If I had to point to one moment when I understood that my husband truly "got it" – really understood the pain he'd caused and felt genuine remorse about causing it – it was the day I told him that I would leave him and then, I practically spat the words, "you don't have to bother with therapy and 12-step groups." I knew he didn't like either the therapy or the 12-step groups. But what I didn't understand was that, even more than he detested those, he detested what he'd done. And so he responded to me that, whether or not I remained in the marriage, he nonetheless would continue to work on himself. "I don't want to be that guy anymore," he said.
Good news, of course, because I didn't want him to be "that guy anymore" either. I hated that guy. I wanted a new guy. One who also hated "that guy".
So, I guess, that makes me kinda lucky.
Because I know a whole lot of you struggle with a husband who maybe hates what he did but who has a really hard time admitting that. Or who maybe hates what he did but still kinda also blames you for what he did. Or at least doesn't fully blame himself.
And that makes the choice of whether to stay and rebuild your marriage or cut your losses and leave even harder.
But maybe Liz Gilbert puts it as clearly as we need to hear it: Your husband shows himself worthy of a second chance when he's as sick as you are of his own bullshit.
That's not to say he doesn't have legitimate grievances. A marriage involves two people, of course, and one of those people might be justifiably frustrated or hurt. By bullshit, I mean cheating. By bullshit, I mean deception and gaslighting and rewriting history. By bullshit, I mean making excuses, silencing us our in our pain, refusing to do the hard work of becoming a better man.
It's become cliché but it remains true. We're each responsible for how we show up in our marriage. But it is the cheater who is solely responsible for that choice.
And that choice, if he even wants us to consider giving him a second chance, must be acknowledged to be bullshit. And he must be sick of it.
I woke up with a major trigger this morning. All because I saw something that reminded me of a card that the OW had put in box of my h things he left at this restaurant. Who the hell gets sympathy letters for not being able to destroy a marriage. Then I realize that I'm not alone with bullshit like this.
ReplyDeleteMy h has put in so much work into restoring our marriage I hated bringing this up. But I had to get it off my chest. He understood the feelings I was dealing with and kept hugging me. After 4 years I asked him again what the relationship really was between them and why she thought that she was going to be married to him and have his baby. This affair lasted 10 days at the most and she had been planning her wedding to him before they even got together. His answer was then and is now, I don't know. I never gave her any encouragement, she put this all in her own head. She had told people the story she told herself over and over. Living in some fantasy world. I got physically ill thinking about it. But again my h hugs me, tells me he loves me, that he's sorry I am going through this. I know how much work he puts into helping me, he shows me every day that I feel guilty sometimes bringing it back up. Enough rambling just writing all of this made me feel better.
I'm often amazed at how good it feels to put something down on paper. It becomes less like a ball of fury in my brain.
DeleteI suspect it might have also helped you see clearly that this woman was unbalanced.
I hope you can get past feeling guilty about bringing up your feelings. It's a huge compliment to him that you feel safe enough doing so.
My husband is trying, he hates his past behavior. I'm in a weird situation in which I think I was the other woman. When my husband and I first met, he had been in a 3 yr relationship with another woman. I didn't know at the time that she even existed. We had a great relationship while dating, or so I thought. He apparently was still sleeping with her, taking her to family functions, etc. All the while we were beginning a relationship. He was still in love with her.
ReplyDeleteAlmost a year in and I find the text messages between them. He left their conversation open on his laptop, I went to use it and viola. All their sexting, conversations, pics. You name it. I confronted him and he lied of course, saying they were joking and that they were just friends. He promised to break off the relationship but he didn't. I found out again and left for a while. We got back together. He said he ended it, it was over between them. Come to find out, she knew about me. She chose to ignore it.she didn't want details. She threatened suicide a couple times prior when he tried to break it off. It wasn't until I left where he decided he was in love with me and no longer her. That ended. We dated a couple more years.
We eventually got married, but I still haven't forgiven him. I hesitated on getting married and I thought maybe it would get better if we got married. It didn't. Not because he hasn't changed, but I have. I still don't fully trust him, I don't think I want to.
I know it's a little late. I shouldn't of married him in the first place. I did love him and when everything was drama free it was AMAZING. He changed for the better and so have I. I'm beginning to think I just don't want to forgive him. We've done almost a year of counseling, we fight less but I can't let go of the lies he told me. Maybe I don't want to. I'm just not the same person anymore and this person doesn't want to forgive him.
Anonymous,
DeleteYes, forgiveness is a choice. I really like what Beach Girl has written to you (below). If you want to leave, you don't need an excuse. It's enough to simply want out.
Hi Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteIt's never too late to start over again. If you can't forgive him, forgive yourself for thinking you could forgive him if you just gave it some time. If you don't want to forgive him you don't have to use his past infidelity as a "reason or excuse" to leave your marriage. You do not need anyone elses permission or approval to make this decision. I do not know how old you are or what your circumstances are but honestly, if you are not happy in your marriage and you have exhausted reasonable efforts in counseling to save your marriage you can opt out. None of us are ever the same as we were before knew what our spouses choose to do while married to us. I'll never trust my husband 100 percent again even though it sure looks like he won't ever stray again. It was his betrayal that caused me to look at him the way I do now. I just don't know if that would hold up in ever situation he might find himself in and neither does he although he is adamant that nothing would ever cause him to cheat or hurt me again. So don't keep beating yourself up about this and know that you are stronger than you think. You get to choose what you want to do. I've read so many blogs in the past almost four years and it is clear that many spouses decide divorce. You deserve to experience happiness and joy again.
You are so early on in your marriage, and there is so much life ahead for the both of you. My observation is that what needs to happen is individual therapy for him. Intensive looking at how it was that he became a person who believed that the solution for his dilemma was to deceive women who loved him. That issue, rather than why the cheating, should be the question guiding his work. He can't be a person who believes that when emotional situations get tough that deception is the preferable option. That is a coping mechanism that often begins in childhood and will infect everything you face as a couple. I know, because it has been the marriage I lived in for a very long time. Until my H was forced to look at why his conflict avoidance and ability to compartmentalize led him to make horrific choices he continued to live in a world that included hurting me. And him saying he wouldn't do it again because it hurt me isn't enough. I have required that he do his own emotional work as a hard boundary around living with me again. Otherwise he just isn't a safe person for me, and I suspect that your H won't be a safe person for you until you see that work being done.
ReplyDeleteYep. Very good points!
DeleteAnon 11:52 There is a reality in which, even if you WANT to forgive him, you just can't. the reality for me is that I do not forgive my husband and yet, I am in love with him and I have said this often, I do not hold an active grudge about it or towards him.
ReplyDeleteMy H is a sex addict who has not acted out in almost three years (next week). I found a d-day 1 in 2013 and a 2nd in 2016. LOTS of therapy, together and for myself, solo, 12 step for him (he also deals with alcoholism). I don't hate him, I don't hold it over him, but I don't forgive him nor will I ever trust him the way i did for 13 years.
I know there are others who cannot forgive and never let their partner forget it, no matter what it is. In instances like that, my opinion is that it's best to part instead of you both living in a tense and bitter house that is tearing you apart.
.. There's a whole lot of talk about forgiveness being the gift that sets YOURSELF free, but I don't feel enchained or enslaved at all. I hardly think about it actively although sometimes need to dig to see what is bothering me below the surface.
In Elle's book Encyclopedia of the Betrayed(which i highly recommend) she mentions that maybe forgiveness of another person is something GRANTED to you. Maybe we dont all get it. I know I have put a lot of work into forgiveness and it's just not coming. So I wait for this blessing. But if it never comes, I am still ok. The biggest problem of course is, deciding what is best for you because its rare that anyone else can give you that answer. Keep posting though, so often just in writing you will find some answers that you need.
Loner, thank you so much for what you wrote. You said some words that I needed to hear and be reminded of. Again. "And him saying he wouldn't do it again because it hurt me isn't enough. I have required that he do his own emotional work as a hard boundary around living with me again." This applies to my situation right now. Not with my ex husband, but with the man I have been dating. He showed up at my house drunk, having driven 40 minutes to get there. He apologized for scaring me and said he won't do it again when I spoke to him about it later. But. It changed things for me. I no longer feel safe in this relationship. And when I shared that with him and asked if he had ever considered that it was an issue and getting help I got a flat refusal. And now, a couple weeks later he is acting as if nothing is wrong. I have been waffling but the fact is, I don't think he's ready to deal with it and that doesn't work for me. I'm struggling with ending the relationship because he's acting like everything is fine and I'm wondering "have you not heard anything I've said to you?" gah. I have been so stressed and sad, and hurt and angry. I think I just need to take an open ended break from this relationship. Blech. But. I wanted to thank you for your words, because they remind me that a drinking issue is a hard no from me and that is OK even if he doesn't agree he has an issue. Boundaries. XOXO Loner.
ReplyDeleteYou are wiser and braver than I, SSI, but I wanted to let you know how sorry I am to hear that a relationship that brought you light early on has become a source of pain. I so wish that making ourselves vulnerable didn't mean that we often end up hurt or saddened. I know you will take the steps you need to navigate this situation, but just wanted you to know that it hurts my heart to hear you say it was making you feel unsafe. I am thinking of you and all of your strength- which has always impressed me so much.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate all the posts. Everyone offers a different perspective and you have no idea how much that means to me. I'm holding on for now and am continuing some one on one counseling. I'm going to give it my honest to goodness best and go from there. I just don't want to feel this heaviness in my heart anymore. I feel like I'm mourning a dead relationship. I don't want to be unhappy forever. Thanks everyone.
ReplyDelete