I had my first appointment last night with a new therapist. This therapist is a trauma therapist and our next session next week we'll start ART (an accelerated version of EMDR). To say I'm terrified is an understatement.
Last night's session was a getting to know you session. We started with the recent and worked our way back. The further back I got the more shame that started to come up. How have I allowed myself to live like this for 16 years? For the past 21 months? For the last year? Shame that I turned a blind eye out of fear 12 years ago, shame that I failed to stand up for myself when things were rocky, shame that I didn't kick him to the curb when I found out ... or when I suspected he was still involved ... or when I learned he was ... or when I found the next ad ... or when I found he had to be threatened with a protective order to leave her alone ... So many shame moments just around my marriage, little lone around the crappy childhood I endured.
We ended the session with the discussion that I can only see the marriage coming to an end. At this point I just am not seeing any recognition from my WS that he has some issues he cannot handle on his own and the only way I know to gain control of my life is to start putting myself first. But I had to admit that there is the 10% romantic in me that wants more than anything to wake up tomorrow and he suddenly sees through his own shame to come ready to show up.
She ended with a compliment - that despite everything I've had in my life I had the strength to seek help and to continue to function in the world. It wasn't the easiest thing in the world to do ... but I'm done being ashamed of things that were out of my control and refusing to allow shame to keep me grounded in the muck for the things that I could.
Oh Kimberly, You have such courage. And I know it's going to be tough (you're tougher!!) to sift through all that shame but I suspect that when it's pulled into the light of day, it will lose its power over you. This isn't your shame to carry. When we know better, we do better. As for your marriage, you are controlling the only thing you can control, which is you. And you will come to learn that will be enough. I'm so proud of you for doing this.
Kimberly, I am so happy for you. It sounds like a great start with a new therapist. You sound like you are on the right track. For me I would be anxious at times before therapy but I also craved it. Keep us updated!
Kimberly I applaud the fact that you are taking your next right steps... it’s a difficult path but at least you’re making the effort... keep putting that one foot in front of the other and listen to your gut feeling and a little bit at a time clarity will prevail...hugs!
I had my first appointment last night with a new therapist. This therapist is a trauma therapist and our next session next week we'll start ART (an accelerated version of EMDR). To say I'm terrified is an understatement.
ReplyDeleteLast night's session was a getting to know you session. We started with the recent and worked our way back. The further back I got the more shame that started to come up. How have I allowed myself to live like this for 16 years? For the past 21 months? For the last year? Shame that I turned a blind eye out of fear 12 years ago, shame that I failed to stand up for myself when things were rocky, shame that I didn't kick him to the curb when I found out ... or when I suspected he was still involved ... or when I learned he was ... or when I found the next ad ... or when I found he had to be threatened with a protective order to leave her alone ... So many shame moments just around my marriage, little lone around the crappy childhood I endured.
We ended the session with the discussion that I can only see the marriage coming to an end. At this point I just am not seeing any recognition from my WS that he has some issues he cannot handle on his own and the only way I know to gain control of my life is to start putting myself first. But I had to admit that there is the 10% romantic in me that wants more than anything to wake up tomorrow and he suddenly sees through his own shame to come ready to show up.
She ended with a compliment - that despite everything I've had in my life I had the strength to seek help and to continue to function in the world. It wasn't the easiest thing in the world to do ... but I'm done being ashamed of things that were out of my control and refusing to allow shame to keep me grounded in the muck for the things that I could.
Oh Kimberly, You have such courage. And I know it's going to be tough (you're tougher!!) to sift through all that shame but I suspect that when it's pulled into the light of day, it will lose its power over you. This isn't your shame to carry. When we know better, we do better.
DeleteAs for your marriage, you are controlling the only thing you can control, which is you. And you will come to learn that will be enough.
I'm so proud of you for doing this.
Kimberly, I am so happy for you. It sounds like a great start with a new therapist. You sound like you are on the right track. For me I would be anxious at times before therapy but I also craved it. Keep us updated!
DeleteKimberly
ReplyDeleteI applaud the fact that you are taking your next right steps... it’s a difficult path but at least you’re making the effort... keep putting that one foot in front of the other and listen to your gut feeling and a little bit at a time clarity will prevail...hugs!