We're familiar with the five stages of grief and many of us can point to various stages as we recount our experience with D-Day. Shock. Anger. Depression. And a whole lot of us are, in some ways, holding our breath until we're done with this experience. We await the day that it's over, we're healed. We rhapsodize about closure. Closure looks different for some of us but it often includes giving the Other Woman a piece of our mind.
So a whole lot of us are dismayed to discover that, no matter what we try, no matter how far out we are from D-Day, closure seems to elude us. We're never quite there. We never feel "over" betrayal.
To which I say, of course not. Cause I've learned the hard way (is there an easy way through this? Cause I don't know of one...) that closure is a myth. Rather, thanks to the work of Pauline Boss, I've come to understand that, where betrayal is concerned (among other life challenges), it's what she calls "ambiguous loss". And there is rarely closure where ambiguous loss is concerned.
Ambiguous loss, a term Boss coined in the 1970s, refers to loss where what we're losing isn't clear-cut. It's death-like rather than death. A spouse lost to addiction. A refugee fleeing the war-ravaged country they love. A child born with special needs.
Betrayal.
We've lost the marriage we thought we had. We discover a spouse who's different than the one we thought we knew. We even, often, find ourselves capable of feelings we'd never imagined. Rage. Despair. Hatred. We've lost so much but we can't quite put our fingers on what it is.
Our grief is complicated. Our husbands aren't dead. In many cases, our marriages survive.
But everything's changed, hasn't it? We've lost...something. Complicating it further is the silence we frequently adopt. To the world, our lives are intact. There see no signs of loss, ambiguous or otherwise.
Reality itself feels threatened.
And closure is little more than what we can expect from our front door, keeping the world at bay while we wrestle on the inside with our pain.
Part of moving through ambiguous loss – part of moving through life itself – is releasing ourselves of any expectation that things should be different. Ambiguous loss will not deliver closure any time soon. Or at all. Release any expectation of that. Grief is normal, no matter that your loss might not look like loss to anyone but you.
Allow that grief. Invite it in. Move through it. Move through it again, because it will return, each time looking a bit different.
Until the day comes when grief knocks, again, on your door and you recognize it. You again, you think. I know you. And I can handle you. You're not nearly so frightening. I can become your friend.
Grief has much to teach us, if we let it. And its teaching begins the day we accept that closure will continue to elude us because there is no such thing.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
I have found this to be true. For at least the first two years after dday I wanted for this all to be over. I thought I cannot wait until I/we can move on. My husband and I have talked about how we wish we could have memory loss at least in that one area. Over the past two years in year 3 and 4 since dday I have worked hard to realize this is here to stay. My husband and I talk about it openly that this is part of our story. And we are where we are today because of it. We both wish he had not made such horrible decisions but we cannot go back and change it. In a way I think it is a positive to not "forget" it all and move on. For him he has told me he thinks about it every day. He talks of not wasting the second chance I have given him. It took us a while to get to where we are and it is not perfect every day. We both still have triggers and struggle at times. But in an odd way we feel stronger than ever since we have worked through this together. Trying to look at the silver lining and glad we are on the same "team".
ReplyDeleteIt is almost 2 years post dday for me and it still feels like yesterday. My husband had an affair with an ex (30yrs ago ex)
DeleteHe went looking for her and within 2 days of contact there is talk of Still having feelings and living in the past. He even told her he was trying to handle 2 women - if she let him (which she obviously did and encouraged). Everything I had to find out for myself as he just lied and then lied again. I also found out that when they broke up 31yrs ago, he cinti ued to write 5-6 letters a month and ring her up for 10-30mins at a time. This continued after we got together and then fizzled (I did it know this at the time) nor did I k ow about the 2+years of correspondence when our eldest 2 were very young as he hid that too....
All I get is
"I don't know why- I don't love her, I love you, always have etc etc. How am I going to get him to talk and be honest? This whole avoidance tells me he still wants her, always has and I was the unlucky sap that was stupid enough to be available and loyal...
Any ways to cope or understand would be appreciated.
I just left a comment below without really reading anyone’s post just because I’m so desperate, hurt, etc. and need some help with coping. Reading your story sounds so the same as mine. For me it’s been since December 3rd, the day I caught on. The two love birds reconnected November 2nd. Also for me the two of them go back 31 years. Before he met me he was always in and out with this Wh.. because she loved him so much and always available for him. I’m hurting so much. It’s been a while since your post, are you coping any better? And if so what are your ways?
DeleteTrue. No closure on this life event. Just a never ending series of reminders that life isn't fair, never was fair and probably won't be fair in the future but boundaries and communication keep things on an even keel. My husband also tells me he thinks about it every day and feels grateful for the second chance even though he did not deserve it. At least he knows that. I work very hard most days to choose positive things for me. He does the same. It is always interesting and never boring, that is for sure.
ReplyDeleteThis is so true. I always wanted for a closure. We've been separated for 10 months now but he never wanted to admit of his affair. He ignored me and didn't show any concern and treat me as an invisible woman. I feel that it will be easier for me to move on if he told me the truth, be a man. If you have the gut to do it, why you don't have the gut to admit it.
ReplyDeleteI knew that I've lost the marriage, the man that i once love so much and lost all the future that we both plan.
There's always a lot of questions pop out in my mind after reading through all the post here. Why other's H will own up and admit on their affair but not mine? Why they will shoe that they are remorseful but not mine? What is it so different? But later i realize that all these questions no longer important anymore because the reason is he no longer the person i once love. He'd changed- a 360 changed to a total stranger to me.
I allowed myself to feel sad & cry whenever i feel i need to. Moving a step fwd each day. Keep reminding myself that it is his lost to give up on me. I will be a better woman without him.
Lost_AA
I remember my husband telling me how he couldn't wait until we were at past this and back to normal. That normal doesn't exist anymore and the new normal has evolved from it.. When I had contact with the OW she told me that I would never have closure because I would never know the truth of what she did. My h even said that closure probably would never happen. I struggle with this sometimes but I am learning how live with it 3 1/2 years out from dday. Like Hopeful 30 you tend to feel stronger working together.
ReplyDeleteCathy
Our 16th anniversary is next Friday. Our 2 year Anniversary of DD#1 is less than a month away. Lots of dates to trigger from. I dream of "normal" and to be "past this" but know that will never truly happen. And that makes me sad.
ReplyDeleteI have an appointment scheduled with a new therapist next week. I'm terrified. Terrified because I will again have to talk about "it" and every time I've talked about "it" I've felt stupid and inadequate. Stupid because I'm still here almost 2 years later and only slightly better off than I was that day. Inadequate because every time I talk about "it", it always starts with "my 8 year old clued me in." In our consult last night, the therapist asked me if I was getting help for my son and that just added another level of feeling inadequate - because the answer is no.
So many layers of closure that will never occur. But perhaps healing will finally be on the horizon. I vow to get healthy and I vow to find the strength to help my son get healthy too.
Kimberly,
DeleteThinking of you. Our 15 yr is coming up and our anniversaries are huge triggers for me after I found out he was texting her during our date night. :(
Does anyone ever enter the "ok its been long enough, see how much I have changed for you" stage? Yea thats where we are at. And he's right to an extent. He has done a lot of changing. He doesn't guilt trip me anymore if I want to do something, he attempts to listen better about regular issues, he gives me slack in some ways. But I can't have triggers, I can't bring things up without him feeling that I am beating him over the head with it etc etc. UGGGG. I am soo frickin tired. I may not be crying every second of the day like I wanted to in the beginning but damn. I still feel so angry. Is this because I expect some kind of closure? some kind of enlightenment period where I realize I am finally happy? because I am not. I find myself in the same but yet different situations with my H and I am still catering to him and his needs. But now its because I was triggered or I just felt frickin angry for no reason. And now I have to "make it up to him". He finds reasons every single time why I am wrong with me thinking things are coming back full circle in ways. I can't always explain myself rationally when I am an emotional hot mess so it gives him the easy way out. I am too angry (always have been a hot head but I think I do damn good controlling myself until 2 years ago...). I literally just want to give up. and just give in. It isn't worth the fight anymore. Might as well cater to him because its just not worth it to explain the unexplainable to him. He won't understand and he doesn't really want to . all he cares about is if I am nice then he is nice and everything is "nice". Its a waste of tears to cry around him because it has no effect on him whatsoever. He can be so stoic. I am always trying to make everyone happy. But no one does that for me. and that is the ONE thing I was hoping for in all of this. to finally feel like I am being fought for. That I am not 2nd choice. He pursued her, and she said no. so stuck with me and 4 kids (which he totally loves, he is a great father) but I am afraid that if I don't feel like no 1, then I will never fully recover from this. Is this unattainable? is it stupid to rely on him for this? I know that I can't control him and that only I can make myself happy blah blah blah, but I honestly feel like this is the ONE thing I need. And it feels hopeless.
ReplyDeleteTwistwice. I so get how you feel. For a looooooong time my bringing it up created a lot of discomfort for him and I worried about his feelings, not mine. I finally called bullshit on that (fuck this shit Tuesday). That was 2 years go this June. Sounds like your H would like it to all just go away and wash his hands of it and ever having to do the work to help you heal and that's not okay. I lived in the "nice" scenario as well and we just, I'm talking last night, brought up his co-dependency and that it needs to be addressed. He agreed. I personally stopped catering to his needs long ago. I didn't want to keep that behavior alive as it fixes nothing for either of us. It's just not worth it. I also brought up not long ago that he is the one that needs to atone, not me. It was like I kicked him in the nuts when I said that. He got angry but I don't give a shit. He thinks if he is nice everything will be okay. What has helped me with my personal recovery is not putting up with bullshit any more. It's scary at first because I didn't want him to leave, but I'd rather be alone than put up with that behavior. It's not stupid to want to be reassured and feel like you are #1 again. You deserve to feel that way after what he did. I'm reminded of something Elle wrote in one of her posts. She talked about how this time eventually becomes a thread in the tapestry of our lives. During the dark times after D-Day, it's all that life is...sad, devastation, anger, disbelief...It's like a huge black sheet of fabric. Life will never be the same, and in many ways, it's not. But with time and healing, this will become a thread in the tapestry that is our life. Hope I didn't misquote you Elle? I'm 2.5 years out and I’m in limbo. Should I stay or should I go. I have no expectations from him or that this my marriage will last. I'm just not ready to leave the comfort of my home. I'm in that circle as well but growing very weary of it. Try not to sell yourself short for his comfort. He created the shit storm and it’s up to him to fix it. You focus on what makes you truly feel at peace and let him know what is required. You are not alone.
DeleteThis is really ontere6bc recently I have really been struggling with do I:
ReplyDeletea) allow myself to think/feel as the thoughts/feelings come on, or do I
b) make myself push passed them, push them out of my head and move on?
I have opted for b, but they keep coming. The hurt is so bad sometimes and I find I cannot take joy in the little things in life, in my relationship. He will say something sweet and my mind automatically goes to "did he say that to her? What did she respond? How did he make her feel?"
Other times I feel dead inside. I almost don't want to or am afraid to feeling any thing bc it all circles back to her.
Anonymous - I'm the queen of stuffing! And I can tell you that it has not helped at all. Sometimes I think it's hurt me more than I'd like to admit.
DeleteI have to feel ... or if festers. Kind of like if you just put a bandaid over a brutal injury and then later it becomes infected. I'm finding, however, that you have to clean the wound (feel it), then cover it back up for a period (refocus on the now), and then readdress as needed.
Getting stuck in the feeling can be just as harmful as stuffing it.
Anonymous,
DeleteI still do this. 3 years out and I will occasionally have this "voice of descent". I sometimes call it "the prosecution" like I'm suddenly on trial and being cross examined on the stand. My husband says something nice, and a voice in my head tears it apart and questions everything. It doesn't happen nearly as often now, and I no longer let it scare me. I let the thoughts come into my mind, but I regard them as coming from somewhere else (the prosecution). Then I use calm logic with myself. I ask myself questions. What happened here? What are the facts? Is there real cause for immediate concern? Am I scared right now? (Usually that's what's getting that voice going). Then i take some time out to slow down before i speak. If i need to say I'm scared and why to my husband, I will. Usually now I can pinpoint the trigger and reassure myself without even needing to involve him. So I don't advocate stuffing your feelings, but rather dragging them into the light, feeling them, but taking responsibility ultimately for them. You can talk to your husband about them if you want, but you don't always need to if you look underneath them first. You're scared. We're all scared. That voice is trying to protect you, but sometimes it gets things wrong. The only way to find out is to slow down and look at things first. If you need reassurance from your husband, ask for it. It will help quiet that voice. I don't even qualify most of the time now. I just say I want a hug and he gives it. That's usually enough time and reassurance to get me back on track. I felt very dead inside at first (and on occasion I can feel that for a moment still). I think that's a normal response to a traumatic attachment injury, so be patient and kind to yourself.
I'm not quite ready to share everything after reading Elle's wise words and all of your generous support of one another for the past five months, I'm just breaking the ice to introduce myself.
ReplyDeleteA year ago right now, my husband was starting a relationship with someone else. And I had no idea.
Peaceful Warrior,
DeleteWelcome. You will find love and support here. I'm sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us.
Peaceful Warrior - this is HARD and it is long - but you are NOT alone.
DeletePeaceful Warrior, I'm so sorry. I echo others in saying that you are not alone in your pain and I'm glad you found this space. It's been 18 months since my DDay and the BWC has been a life raft, a vital part of my healing journey. It's a long, long road, this healing, but there IS healing.
DeleteI had a shift in a good direction about two weeks ago. He has been sorry for almost 4 years but I realized that he was totally dodging responsibility by claiming he was crazy, out of his mind, and unable to remember details. It was as if the sexual goddess who was his affair partner had cast a spell over him and he was just a helpless zombie. I really needed to hear him take responsibility instead of dodging it with the zombie act. He is a grown man who was careless with my heart and thoughtless about the effects of his actions, who broke promises and cheated — not an incapacitated victim. I was the victim and he had knowingly and deliberately betrayed me and I asked him to reflect on that. He sulked for a morning - a reason I hadn’t asked him about this before - but he came to the right place. And it was a relief for me.
ReplyDeleteYou never get over it, you just learn to live with it. Just like when someone passes away.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteI’ve been married for 31 years. We’ve been through a lot: a chronic illness one son since he was 4, 19now took a lot of my attention. Taking care of my parents that passed. I’m alone. No siblings no family. My husband and I grew apart even if we were always together. In the beginning of our marriage my husband was a lost puppy he went through a lot with his family, so I’m pretty sure he he cheated once or twice I really looked over it because I loved him and I know he loved me.
The last two years we became very distant I was sleeping on the couch a lot, left him alone even tho he would always invite me to be with him and always said that he was alone (true). November 2nd an old friend that he had relations with before me, found his work and called him.
one week passed and he called her again and the next day and that Saturday they met and was with her for about four hours. He called her again the next weekend, I think they saw each other then but he says no Thanksgiving came he was with us. That Saturday he called her. She is married so my H would call and if she could talk she would pick up otherwise he would try again till they could talk. On December 1st he went out, left the house at 6 came home at 2am. On December 3rd I went crazy and told him that i knew he was having an affair. Of course he denied it but then told me and also told me who he was with. We fought and fought he didn’t want to give info out but slowly he started but I think I really don’t know the truth. He says they would just talk but did not sleep together .He hugged her once and the last time they were together she kissed him on the cheek before she left the car. I really think that it’s all bs. He said he made a big mistake and if he knew how I would react he would have never done it..... He enjoyed talking about the friends they both knew. She told him how much she loved him. she really does not love her h and has kids with him. He tells me that it was nothing... he took me to see where she leaves changed his cell number. She text a random picture in January and he text her back not to contact him anymore and he made a big mistake. She replied that she only wanted to say hello an old friend. In April she called him at work with a different number my h heard her voice but he pretended that he couldn’t hear and hung up. He came home and told me and also give me that number.
In a big nutshell this is my story.He’s always telling me he loves me. He’s really trying to prove his love. he tells me to just concentrate on us. It’s us now, he loves me he made a big mistake he felt alone. I really didn’t know if I still wanted him or loved him, that’s why I was pushing him away, but now I’m going crazy with the thoughts of them being together. He put me down by going with her, she now feels like he can’t leave without her that he went back to her. I know it’s his fault. He would say to me that she respected herself she didn’t try anything... she was out with him wasn’t she? Anyway I can’t live anymore. I always cry the only visions I have is of them two together. I can’t do anything anymore I consume my days thinking about this
My h gets upset when I bring it up he says to let the Sh... go and think of us. She’s nothing. He went with her because she was familiar and he took the opportunity to get attention
I’m DIYING INSIDE.How does this story sound?
I know that I still love him very much.
He always told everyone in the past that if he would have traveled the world he would have never found a woman like me. Why did he do this now.I can’t take it.
"How does this story sound?" Stellina, it sounds like so many of our stories. And I know you feel like you're dying inside. Betrayal is devastating. But here's something I want you to know: You can get past this. Your story sounds so familiar. Guy feels neglected. Old flame makes him feel special, wanted, valued. He's a sucker for it. Your marriage was in crisis. Which does NOT mean it's okay that he cheated. It's absolutely NOT okay. But, in people who are hurting, they occasionally do something really stupid. That sounds like your husband.
DeleteAnd now he's sick with remorse. And you're sick with his betrayal of you.
What now? Well...that's up to you. It sounds as though your husband wants to rebuild your marriage. But what do YOU want? That's what you need to get clear about. Getting through betrayal is hard but it's possible. And, hard to believe, but this can create an awakening that produces a richer, deeper marriage.
I would strongly urge you to find a therapist who can help you navigate this. Sick children, difficult teens -- it sounds as though you've had a lot to deal with and you need support. You need help processing all the pain of this so that you can leave it behind.
One more thing: Your husband doesn't get to set the terms for how you respond to this. You are allowed to bring it up as often as you need to. You are allowed to be hurt and angry. You are NOT allowed to name-call and be cruel (as tempting as it is and how often a whole lot of us break that rule). My heartbreak, my rules, is our motto here.
Keep reading here. Keep posting. You'll find an army of incredible wise, compassionate, wonderful women who know exactly what you're going through and can guide you forward. You're going to get through this, Stellina. I promise.
THANK YOU SO MUCH for your response. I’m really not one for therapy so I thought about it but put that thought away.
ReplyDeleteI bring the subject up a lot. I don’t put him down but I do call her names Wh... I feel like he does not think she is. I feel if she wasn’t she would have never went with him and now that he put a stop to it(I think)she’s still trying. She loved him then and told him how she still loves him. That makes me feel sick. I think he likes that. It kills me to know that he would pick her up (in my car) when they went out. Why? Was she so special that he had to treat her like a princess. She leaves close to us. I can’t go down that road anymore because I start to panic. He says she doesn’t own that city. But I think if we go there then he’ll think of her and all the good times he had when he was with her. He told me where he took her (restaurants) and when I drive by those places I feel sick. I don’t know if he’s telling me the truth and made all this up while they were in some hotel room instead. Just last night he told me he can’t do this anymore, we need to stop and go on with our lives. He didn’t F her and doesn’t care about her. It’s easy for him he’s the one that had fun while especially their last Saturday night together I was sick to my stomach and still. The worse part is that she knows more then I do on what happened between them. I know all the times they talked because I checked the phone bill. Their last talk (that I know of, because if she calls his work I can’t see the incoming calls) he told me that he told her not to call anymore and she asked how I found out and he told her I’m not stupid. He says that that’s all he told her but they were on the phone for 17 minutes.. why he doesn’t want me to know? What if he told her to just let me cool down and then they can resume? Is it normal for all my thoughts?
Is it normal for all your thoughts? YES! And so many more too will come.
ReplyDeleteI'm 26 months out. I won't lie. I avoided therapy for myself for a really long time. I thought I needed to save the marriage before I took time for me. Boy ... was I so ever wrong in my thinking! I've found an amazing therapist - after having 1 who was "eh", 1 who was traumatizing in the 1st session and another who was judgy. I only wish I'd started trying for individual therapy sooner ... it really has been a HUGE help in realizing I'm ok ... with or without him!
I'm so sorry you are in this spot. That you're now a part of our sisterhood. But you will make it through this ... and hopefully a much stronger woman than you were before!