This darkness is not a dead end. It's a hallway.
Keep going.
It can be easy for me to forget the darkness. It was a long time ago. And though there has been darkness since, different darkness involving children and disease, the other feels almost like another lifetime. A dream. A nightmare.
At the time, however, it felt like my life. My forever life. Darkness then didn't feel like a passage, it felt like my new reality. Though I was masterful at pretending I saw light, I didn't.
For some of us, that darkness – and our inability to believe it's temporary – is evidence of depression. The clinical kind. The kind that could benefit from pharmaceuticals. I fought against that. My mother had spent much of my life popping pills and I'd be damned if I was going to be like her. But when my patient and saintly therapist, also a medical doctor, drew me a picture of my brain with Pacmen-type receptors and neutrons and I can't remember what else and explained to me that trauma and stress literally changes our brains, I agreed to give these hated pills a try.
Within 48 hours, it was like the clouds lifted slightly. A few more days and the heavy blanket of my pain felt less heavy.
These pills didn't work miracles. I still felt sad more often than not sad. I still fretted about what I was going to do regarding my marriage. But I could cope. What's more, I could spot a tiny bit of light up ahead. I was in a hallway, not a cell.
I bet it feels dark for you too right now. Betrayal turns out the lights for us. It leaves us isolated and terrified.
But please know too that this is a hallway. It is temporary. Keep going.
Focus on your next right step. Prioritize your healing. Practise radical self-care. Remind yourself (or teach yourself) that you are worthy of love and honesty and loyalty, no matter how untrue that feels right now.
I often say that if this website assures readers of anything, I hope it is these two things: (1) You are not alone in your pain and (2) You will get through this. Both are things I know to be true. Both are things I didn't believe when I was in my own darkness.But now, it's clear. That darkness was a hallway. I needed help finding my way out of that hallway. Not just anti-depressants but this blog. The books I read. My mother. The friends who sat with me in my pain offering not answers but acceptance.
Keep going, my secret sisters. The light awaits.
Yes to Radical Self Care! I think of it as emergency medicine for myself. No one else was going to do it for me. [though my experience with pharmaceuticals were not great so I hope that people take some time to evaluate the pros and cons for themselves.] Right now I am finding myself feeling hopeless again. Not necessarily from betrayal (though the trauma of it all still lives in me). Starting to reach out for help and support because I can't do it alone...
ReplyDeleteI've been feeling hopeless too MBS but I'm realizing it's largely because I'm spending too much time listening to the news, which is soul-crushing, and the weather, which has been rain, rain and more rain. It helps me to pay attention to what's getting me down whether external stuff or that voice in my head that's narrating everything ("god, this day sucks. I can barely fit into my pants and I want to ride my bike but I can't because it's pouring outside, and I'm just getting fatter" etc. etc.) None of us can do it alone. A friend of mine, a few years ago, began a project where, each day, she looked for "loveliness". And, looking for it, of course she found it. In a neighbour's flower garden, in a child's red balloon, in a cat washing its face, in a bowl of soup... We should all look for loveliness in our days. An antidote to misery and despair.
DeleteYes, the news is getting me down. I also have know for a long time that I need a career change and I am getting anxious about making it happen. Finally, I don't think the shock and trauma of being treated poorly by my husband has worn off. Listening to Brene Brown was definitely super helpful. I don't know if it is her but something recently reminded me that life is supposed to be hard and many things will feel wrong, hard, or unrewarding. And extrapolating from what Brene says, I have to accept that you get out of life what you put in to it and that comes with alot of failure. Somehow that helps me feel better :) Atleast I know that I am not doing it wrong. Cheers?! everyone.
DeleteUnknown, I hope you will shake things up a bit. Sounds like you know what needs changing, the trouble is finding the courage to make the changes. But that's where so much of what Brené Brown writes about really resonates with me. That whole vulnerability thing, which is really really hard. But, as she says, it's the only way to achieve open-hearted living, which is what we all really want.
DeleteI hope you'll maybe take a step or two in the direction you want. And share with us here. We're right with you!
"The story I tell myself....." Just watched Brene Browne on her Netflix special last night with my husband. A few days ago we had another one of our "hard but necessary for me to heal" conversations in bed. This is getting so much easier as time passes. (Close to 4 years since D-day for those who are curious.) The title of this post really hit home after watching her special. Toward the end of the special she talks about communication between her and her husband and she uses the introductory statement, "The story I tell myself..." Wow, you just have to watch this wonderful lecture to see for yourself how powerful this statement is. I won't go as far as saying this statement is "an antidote to misery and despair" however it goes a long, long way and gets me closer to living a full life despite the things that happened to me along my path.
ReplyDeleteI watched that too (with my husband, who fell asleep, which tells you pretty much all you need to know about my husband) and I thought that was such a valuable tool re. "hard" conversations. For those who haven't seen it, please do. It's on Netflix. In a nutshell, Brown and her husband now preface a lot of their hard conversations (in which they're annoyed/hurt/angry/whatever with each other) by framing it as "The story I'm telling myself about..." About you ignoring me at the party. About you forgetting my birthday. About your mother's remark at dinner. It's about owning the reality that we only know our subjective truth, not Truth. And it's giving the partner the chance to understand what lens we're seeing through while giving them the space to offer up their point of view. Really valuable.
DeleteI watched the Brene Brown show the other week. Wow. So powerful. So much on the show just hit home. I told my husband immediately about it. So far we have not watched it together. I think he feels he needs to prepare since he thinks he will cry and laugh. The part you are talking about really was so relatable. My husband and I have always talked about looking at what our "reality" is on a personal level. It is so easy to tell ourselves stories or see it from only one perspective. I did watch it with one of my kids and they said it was life changing. It was a great conversation starter for sure.
DeleteYes, I'm going to ask my kids to watch it too. My daughter was asked the other day, at a job interview, the best life advice she's been given. She said she was about to say "just show up" (which longtime readers know is my signature advice, courtesy of my own mom) but she thought that, perhaps, wasn't the best thing to say at a job interview. :)
DeleteI watched i liked it ... the stories we tell ourselves.... true so true
DeleteI like that...the story I tell myself...although right now a year after my world very publicly imploded while I suffered from moderately severe insomnia and sleep apnea...it's still a scary, mostly blank note pad....my husband still works with the woman I warned him he was getting too close to before the affair started. He's 2 years away from retirement and she is the establishment's executive secretary. In hind sight he told me he didn't think I cared deeply anymore beast because I didn't throw a huge fit when I warned him. Today he chastised me for texting her to refrain from leaving him candy in his work cubby...a thank you to his co-worker friendly ecard to her because her heroin addicted brother had been arrested again. I told him both actions inappropriate. He doesn't see why...geez, what an am I to do?
ReplyDeleteThis weekend, yet Mothers day weekend marks 4 years since Dday. That hallway was dark and long so fucking long and at times i return to that hallway though maybe i have navigated some night vision skills so that i can find the light a little quicker or just dont feel so damn scared. We still have ups and downs. Joy has returned. I can smile again hell even laugh outloud at times. I still think about it but it doesnt consume me nor does it send me into a hot sweat or ball of tears. Often the darkness is not fear or anger based but heavy or a frustration when things get busy or he feels unsatisfied with our relations which puts me in a rut of sighhh why cant u be happy? Will i ever be enough? Like he ruined himself with a whore that had no limits to get more time or money. Thats not reality. When we are on i feel great when we stumble i tell myself stories as does he we need to work on communication and still are finding our way. Selfcare in check which im currently getting back on and feeling the weeks i did not. I try to stay in the day. Im much better but still have a ways to go. BWC was my lifeline for a longtime and now a daily or weekly reminder im not alone. You get me and the awesome insight or refresher keeps me grounded. Im.wounded not broken. Happy Mothers Day to all my warrior sisters.
ReplyDeleteIt always feels bittersweet when I hear that a secret sister needs us less and less. And, occasionally, I'm aware that I no longer hear from various women who were active here, which means they no longer need us. Which is wonderful, of course. And I'm glad you're needing us less and less. It means you're moving forward, armed with everything you've gained through this -- including a secret group of incredible women.
DeleteI was an OW. At first I didn't know until we had physical contact. I was really depressed because I was married and divorcing. So he was an OM?? And he was a police officer who responded to a call and HE pursued me weeks later. Yeah, I didn't know who he was and didn't even remember his name.
ReplyDeleteWith that said I:
Asked if he had ever cheated? He quickly shook his head "yes". I found out in 25 years I was affair at least number 4.
Asked why: His answer was he never should have married his wife and she was the opposite of him. Ok well I was in his home and had later talked to her. He was the opposite. He was tattooed, liked metal music, played guitar, and not a good little boy and had some really odd sexual fetishes (blood and he liked being a sub) and she was a teacher helper who collected teddy bears. Me? I was a metal head, I had two more degrees than she, I played guitar and I didn't mind at all fulfilling his sexual needs.
He then started to sleep with me in her bed. And laughed about not changing the sheets. OK, even as an OW I put my foot down and said no. But we did have sex several times in her bed while she worked. Then, he became so obsessed and abusive to me I felt like a wife!
He also ended up in court with an EPO the wife dropped.
I figured out he was a personality disordered man, he abused me for over a year, mental abuse I kept the messages, tried to kill himself and finally I said I couldn't take it any more. Of course he had to act like he broke it off because he can't handle rejection but OK. The wife, after I refused to partner with her to purposefully set him up became as crazy as him and his adult son told me he blames himself and has anxiety disorders due to those two staying married for his sake. He also seems to attract abusive women, and also seems to act just like his father at times and can be very self centered.
As an OW at one time I thought he was nice and like me, wanted out. After he became abusive I did what a lot of wives do to the OW. "Lady, if your old ass (she was almost 20 years older than me) wants that crazy man you take him on and be miserable." She acted like I was going to take him away. He wasn't leaving, because not many women would let him wipe his feet on them or drop an EPO. I wouldn't. So I think a lot of cheaters are a type B personality and I look at a wife as crap if she wants to fight for a piece of garbage. And if the OW wants an abusive man she's dumb too.
She literally accused me of trying to ruin HER pension (his police pension) when I reported he was suicidal. Some wives just want money. She was willing to let a suicidal cop run around so as long as he didn't lose his job. Well, he screwed me on duty in his car idk how many times so he was already putting her or his pension in jeopardy. God forbid he shoot himself or someone else because he's mental! Say bye to the pension and your house and everything.
In a way, and this is what his supervisor told me, I was really a true friend at least or that I must have cared. Because when I told them about his suicide attempt they asked if we had sex on duty and I refused to answer. They knew. And they said after the way he abused me most "OW" especially would be out for blood. And I said no, I don't want to hurt a career or his wife. Just get him help.
So, not all affairs are the same. I could have said no when I found out he was married. And he didn't lie that his marriage was terrible. Even his wife said she wished she'd never married him. He just led me to think he was getting a divorce and that is why I stayed. Because I WAS getting one.
Hey OW. Take responsibility for yourself and the messed up situation you got yourself into. There is a lot of rationalization in your post and most of it doesn't make sense. Get some help. I am about supporting women, even OWs. Get some help and stop blaming other people.
DeleteAnonymous - there are a few of us BSs on here who were once the OW. This can be a friendly place.
DeleteI think what you say certainly sheds light on how our spouses may have interacted with the OWs and how they may have justified what was happening as a result of it. I can only imagine the story my WH spun to his AP about his bitchy, sexless wife. I'm certain he thought they would just ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after. Their affair ended with the OW hiring an attorney to send him a "leave me the fuck alone" letter. So obviously it wasn't sunshine and rainbows for her either.
Broken people ... they're everywhere. It looks like you're owning your part in the brokenness and we cannot do anything but commend you for doing so.
I think there are multiple sides to every story. My husband has opened up that he told himself whatever he had to in the moment and during the affair years. He said it was the only way he could get up, make it through is day and fall asleep. If he told himself the truth he would not want to live. We all can feel, change or whatever you call it but in my opinion we should each be an adult and not live your life as a total lie. And in general I really take whatever anyone says with a grain of salt. I was that way before dday and I am more that way than ever now.
DeleteOW,
DeleteThis guy is toxic. You say "not all affairs are the same" but, honestly, the one sounds pretty much like every affair I hear about. Guy goes outside his marriage -- it's all sunshine and roses. Affair goes from being exciting to being shitty. Turns out guy has serious problems.
I'm not sure what it is you're hoping for but, in any case, I'm with MBS. I hope you'll seek help for your own pain in this wreck of a relationship so that next time, you'll better recognize someone this toxic.
That sounds helpful about the video and I see it all the time how our lens can make us anything from relaxed, to mildly irritated to angry as hell about the very same situation or comment. Great news as we really can change how we perceive things. Rick Hanson's online wellbeing course has been invaluable in helping me 'grow the good', really focus on and absorb the wonderful things around me or about myself or the world at large and to nudge me away from those downer thoughts that come with hearing bad news or the weather or fatigue or triggers or old critical automatic thoughts. Just as old patterns are always near so are lots of wonderful things to admire and be grateful for. Re: self-care I know so many of us are shocked and immobile after discovering an affair, in a similar way to how grief hits (my sister took meds after the sudden death of her 12 year old son just to keep going). We are so busy trying to make sense of things, focussing on our spouse and what they are doing, what the OW is doing , what other people will think, how to protect our children that we don’t even consider putting on our emergency mask first and looking after ourselves in order to face the shock. I remember when I first heard from my husband about the OW, I did make myself a cup of sweet tea as I was in physical shock. But after that I was caught in the flow of all the head wrecking events of the ‘affair fog’ , revelations and repeated transgressions. I reacted rather than acted with the sort of clarity that Mindfulness training aims to give – a little space to restore, revive and respond. If I had one piece of advice for newly betrayed (or newly discovering) it would be to agree with that Radical Self-Care, sleep or rest, food, friendship, spa, massage, bath, ready meals – tell friends you’re having a hard time even if you can’t reveal what it is and you’d appreciate support. When you are further down the line (and this is still advice to myself) try to re-find yourself, take part in the things you loved to do in your younger or single days, music, dancing, travel, social events, creative pursuits. Mix things up and make things new in your head. Make yourself knew. Therapy and analysis is good but, speaking personally new situations and challenges are fantastic for building confidence, rewiring the sad and helpless signals in the brain to feelings of competence and efficacy and power. I’ve just started a full-time library job after 18 years minding kids in the home – a radical change that is bound to show so many sides to me. Instead of being the sad, depressed put upon wife and mother, I’m a competent worker, a friendly co-worker and helpful librarian, I’m well-dressed, well-organised and have lots of new experiences and tales to make life at home and with the children more vibrant. This is a big example but I’ve also done a couch to 5k fitness challenge and set out to go to many more events in our local theatre. I’ve filled my brain with new enthusiasm, experiences and competence which helps me to feel that I can do anything with or without my spouse if his shenanigans prove too much to live with. Betrayal takes so much from us, our self-assurance, our ‘reality’ in some cases, our self-esteem and confidence. While we are dealing what is usually a long haul of repeated transgressions or defensiveness or revelations, we need to build up our strength and resilience to deal with all the mind games and other challenges by reinforcing our sense of self.
ReplyDeleteI don't know where else to post this - so Elle I'm putting it here.
ReplyDeleteI landed on this podcast yesterday. And this episode is a really good one!
https://www.betrayedaddictedexpert.com/podcast/episode/74c8c1b6/ep-1-how-do-i-know-i-am-an-addict-or-have-betrayal-trauma