So much heartbreak. So much violence. So much divisiveness. So much judgement. So much talking. So little listening.
While I make my home north of the 49th parallel (where we have far fewer guns and in a crazy coincidence far fewer gun deaths), my heart breaks for every life lost in the mass shootings, the police shootings, the police killings, the terrorist attacks. It has been one hell of a summer so far.
And us, with our broken hearts. Shattered from a partner's betrayal but no doubt aching further from all the pain around us. It can feel hopeless.
But while hearts break in so many ways, there is one glue that never ever fails to make them whole again: compassion. When we practice compassion, our hearts get soft. When we practice compassion, the pieces can be melded together. When we practice compassion we have room to acknowledge other pain, not just our own. Compassion reminds us that we're not so different. It reminds us that hurt people hurt people. It tells us that the very least we can do is remain open to another's experience in the world. To not think that our experience is the only one that matters. That ours is the only truth. To know that there are so many ways in which we're shaped, for better or worse.
Does your view of the world have room for others that don't look like you or worship like you or talk like you or love like you? If not, ask yourself what you're afraid of. Nobody hates unless they're also very afraid. And then face down that fear in yourself. Ask yourself what's behind it. And what's behind that.
It's hard work, feeling compassion for people who we think are the opposite of us. For people who vote differently. Think differently. Live differently. For people who screw our husbands. For ourselves.
But I know that it's the only way out of this mess. The one in the larger world and the one in our individual worlds. Compassion can heal us all.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
Elle
ReplyDeleteYes! My heart has always been able to embrace other people no matter what race or religion or gender. I love learning about other cultures! When my h was in his last year of college, I began my life's work with children in the local Baptist church. It was the Mother's Day out and I worked with the babies and toddlers that didn't understand the English language and their mothers worked on crafts and learning how to speak English. I learned that children speak only one language and it's the language of love! As long as their physical needs were met, we had happy laughter and the world was wonderful. I thought I was living the example of tolerance for race and religion by having my child development center be the first in our small town to integrate children of all backgrounds! Other directors and owners told me I will loose my business doing it my way but the truth is I always had a waiting list and a full house of children. I sold my business and moved with my h and our children for a career change for him! We moved back south to the state I was born in and I guess I didn't know how racist this state has become! I'm not sure what if anything I can do about it other than to continue to state my position to anyone that asks and during one conversation with a friend he stated, 'I forgot how liberal a thinker you are'! Well I am who I am and I'm not going to let anyone change my opinion! The world is full of some really bad people but I truly believe that there are many more good people than bad! When the good people come together I believe we will begin to see a different society! How to get the good people moving is the piece of the puzzle that I don't have a clue about where to start! I love and take comfort from your blog!
Theresa,
DeleteI think there are so many of us "liberal thinkers". But love tends to whisper while hate roars.
All we do is keep our own hearts open, challenge others when they express intolerance of anyone based on gender or race or religion or culture and live by example. I've no doubt that the example you set is one that has impacted many more people than you realize.
This so hits home. I have always had compassion for others and mostly for animals . Except of course those people who have done me wrong. lol The best way to deal with them i always thought, was to "feel sorry for you" outloud. Um, yeah, not compassion.
ReplyDeleteSo my compassion towards my H and his SA (sex addiction) is REAL. It really also TERRIFIES Me. I had compassion for his "original" AP too because she thought he was avail and the real deal and that must have been a huge blow to her very young heart.
I'm not sure that a prostitute really liked him this much or can feel pain over something like this, but what do i know? I had compassion for her anyway.
I have recently made a list of people I do not feel compassion for. Micheal Vick, the guy who shot Travon Martin and I am having a hell of a time finding compassion for the Dallas shooter and the officers who killed two black men in cold blood days before. But I am doing what I can do.
In original latin Compassion means "suffer with". I can certainly apply that to my wayward betraying spouse, no matter what else I am feeling.
I'm always awed by people who've been able to forgive those who've done them horrible wrong. A mother able to forgive the drunk driver who killed her child. The father able to forgive the boyfriend who shot his daughter. Blows me away. I'm not there yet...but I want to stay on that path. And, frankly, I don't think there is a "there". I think it's all a process of keeping our hearts soft and open even when the rage comes knocking. To understand that we can feel enormous anger at incredible injustices but use it to fight against hate instead of giving in to hate.
DeleteSo beautiful and so true Elle. I find myself sad and confused of late. Tears and more tears. I've decided to go see a therapist my h and I had seen briefly in the past. Perhaps he and I can shed some light on my deep sadness. And I totally agree with you about compassion - which is typically how I lead my life. Now? Now I can't stop crying long enough ... I do feel off ... chemically ... hormonally ... something is not right.
ReplyDeletePeace & light ladies.
Melissa,
DeleteI hope your therapist can help you excavate the pain deep inside. You have such an incredibly huge heart and an amazing ability to always see the other person's point of view. But I worry that it sometimes gets in the way of you setting your own healthy boundaries. My wish for you is that you're able to figure out how to navigate between your forgiving and loving nature and still holding yourself safe.
Elle good morning! This is a great post. Being from the Dallas area and now being so far away from there and having family there has been hard. I can honestly say having compassion for hatred is very hard. I couldn't do it without the help of God in my heart saying "you know better than this. Don't let there hatred ignite a hatred in you."
ReplyDeleteLove you girls in back to being 1432 miles away from all I knew and loved. Being here this time around has been even harder. I guess it's because I'm 3 years 4 months out from the day I found out and I actually breathe and think straight. It has been totally worth the journey. My husband and I are totally working together on everything finally. I didn't realize how messed up our relationship was before because I thought it was perfect until I was pummeled. He knows now how much I had actually cared about him all along. He came from a family that verbally abused him and his siblings and that could actually disown one another. I came from a family that built us up and truly cared what was happening inside us. When you put those two types of people together the one that was abused usually starts to believe they are unlovable and tends to put strain and even betrays because they cannot believe they are actually truly loved. They are filled with fear and the vary thing they crave "love and support" they hate and walk away out of fear. They hurt what could help them and lift them up. The person who loved them. So out of disbelief the wounded one is pummeled and heart broken, but it's the love that keeps them near.
I'll be honest. In my heart I'm still strained from the hurt but I'm way stronger and there is no way I'm putting up with anything less than the best now. We don't have to accept mediocre. We can choose to make choices and decisions to make change happen. Remember you are loved and one of a kind.
Love you girls - Ann from Texas
Ann from Texas,
DeleteIt must be particularly painful to watch what has happened in your old home. But heartening, I hope, to see the outpouring of support for all who were hurt by this.
Glad to hear that you're moving forward. And so glad to hear that you've got clear boundaries in place about what you expect from your partner.
Thank you Elle for a reminder of how easy it is to only see fear and hate, especially when those things are made front and center in the media. I have been floundering emotionally the last 24 hours and it is fed by poor sleep, stressful events and other unhealthy thoughts. I had to seek wisdom this morning from Pema. It really helps. Since it is early morning and I am out of town with my spouse I will share this link and get on with my day. I am going to be grateful for my insight into what is feeding my pain and be mindful about changing this feeling before the long drive home. Love and Peace, Beach Girl
ReplyDeletehttp://www.lionsroar.com/pema-chodron-what-to-do-when-the-going-gets-rough/?utm_source=Lion%27s+Roar+Newsletter&utm_campaign=50de76dc68-LR_Weekend_Read_July_8_20167_8_2016&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_1988ee44b2-50de76dc68-21815337&goal=0_1988ee44b2-50de76dc68-21815337&mc_cid=50de76dc68&mc_eid=18becc76ba
Pema rules!!
DeleteBeach Girl, Thanks for the link. I have read it and will read it as many times as possible. I hope you are doing better today.
DeleteHello Ann!!! I think of you often and wondered where you had gone. I'm soooo glad you are doing well :-)
ReplyDeleteBeach Girl, thank you - I needed that. (By the way, I'm within walking distance of the beach - come for a visit :-).)
ReplyDeleteOh Melissa, every since I read your comment about "come for a visit" I've had fantasies of doing just that with someone who knows my pain and does not judge my path. Which beach do you live on? (If I might ask, in order to perfect my fantasy world....) Beach Girl
DeleteThank you Elle. I logged on today needing to read words to help me through a rough day and this helped me instantly. I often am so engulfed in my own pain and sorrow, I find myself showing little compassion for my H. Most days I think F him, he doesn't deserve it, but then on clearer brighter days, I realise, as we approach the 1st anti-versary, he has not wavered in his determination to start our marriage again, support me in every way possible and rid of the man who was so egotistical, he didn't think of me or our baby whilst he carried on his affair. This afternoon I had a trigger and told him to leave me alone, to not touch me and that's when I logged on. You are right, hurt people hurt people, but as he heals the hurt he caused and the hurt he caused to himself, I want to be more compassionate towards him and am trying every day. Still taking each day as it come on this long journey. Thank you Elle.
ReplyDeleteCoping,
DeleteIt is SO hard to keep ourselves open when we've been so deeply hurt. And of course there are going to be times when we just can't do it. It's too much. But if we can figure out a way back to that open-heartedness and vulnerability, even if we've chosen to walk away from our marriage, it will serve us in the long run. We can get better...or we can get bitter.
I am going to write that last line down to look at daily - get better or get bitter. So true and I need to remind myself daily! I have days where I worry so much I am becoming bitter - going over and over and over and over everything that happened and all the detail of the A I know....I think 'but this happened, but he said this, the OW said that to me' and I know I have a right to be angry, but I also owe to myself not to become bitter because in the long run that only sets me up for more misery. Thank you Elle.
ReplyDeleteNot to get too specific, I live in South Florida, with miles upon miles of beach all around me. And ... my favorite beach to walk and photograph is my hometown... my favorite beach to spend the day and swim? Our nude beach - there is nothing more relaxing. And yes, to share with someone who truly gets it. Peace & Light Dear (and sunrises, sand and surf :-).)
ReplyDeleteMelissa
DeleteI'll be thinking of you in two weeks from Friday we're heading to Key West with our grandsons to attend our daughters destination fairytale wedding! I'm looking forward to the week of sand and sunshine after so much heart ache! Life is getting better to be in! Hugs!
I love Florida! You are fortunate to have that beautiful water to soothe your mind. I've lived there and have friends there and have dreamed of taking a long birding trip there. On my bucket list. Peace and Love, Beach Girl
DeleteI find when I focus on me and zero in on my world I am at peace. When others enter it or horrible things like all the recent violence happen I struggle. It is hard to see anyone get hurt and such deep pain. There are so many great days and moments but I do still find myself pulling back, protecting myself. There are certain things I still struggle with. One of the biggest is I still hear my husband saying "I'm not in love with you anymore." On dday. And I sort of get it look at the secrets he was keeping and all of his lies for 10+ years. I want to continue to build trust and he is doing a great job yet it is so hard. As we ease into more "normal" I find myself resisting it. He gushes at me which is great but I just keep worrying the bubble will burst. I am in a good spot personally yet guarded.
ReplyDeleteI like the line we can get better or get bitter. It is such a choice. I also love that description of the photograph Steam spoke of a while back. Every day u think I need to live my best life. It is best for me, my kids and anyone else who I chose to be close to.
I'm new here! My husband recently had an affair, I found out two days ago. We've been married 11 years and have two young kids. I'm so ashamed of him. So humiliated. I have so much hatred for the other girl. I want her to feel the pain I feel.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling right now. I'm sorry you had to find this blog but glad that you found it so soon. I was several months down the road when I did, but it has helped me immensely. There are a lot of really strong, compassionate people on this site.
DeleteI understand your feelings and I've felt them too. Take good care of yourself even though that's probably the last thing you're thinking of right now.
Hugs!
Anoymous July 12
DeleteI'm so sorry you had to find this blog, but I'm glad you did! Coming here has been in my opinion, the one thing that began my healing process! I understand your need for the other girl to feel the pain you do but I don't think she can because I bet she knew she was fooling around with a married man! I'm betting he told her all kinds of lies about your marriage to keep her coming back to him! The reason I tell you these things is because it's typical affair style from what I've learned in my two plus years of the aftermath of my h mess. I'm sure it's even harder for you with two young children! I'm going to give you the best advice I have learned from this blog! Take care of you first and then step back and take a deep breath because hon, you are in for a wild ride with the emotions you will feel! It's the most painful heartbreak I've ever lived through! When I first stumbled upon Elle and this blog, I was a basketful of raw emotion! Crying all day one day and hurling cuss words the next! When you get to a clear space in your emotions only then can you begin to repair the damage he's caused to both of you. He has to prove that he's made changes in himself in order to help you heal!! It's a long scary road but it does get better! Time and reading this blog and venting have done wonders for me! I don't try to say it is great every day but slowly but surely it's beginning to at least feel normal again even if I don't know what normal is supposed to be. I took one step forward and then two or three backwards. I'm sure some of the other strong ladies here will give you advice for what helped them and so for now I am sending you hugs for the pain I know so well!
AnonymousJuly12,
DeleteI'm so so sorry for the pain you're in. Sorry you needed to find us...but glad you did.
For now, just focus on getting through the day. Try and sleep (melatonin or Gravol can help), eat what you can (smoothies and toast), and stay focussed only on what you can't avoid -- work, your children. And when you're ready, share your story here. You'll be amazed at how many of us have similar stories. We can listen and we can promise you that you will get through this. Our endings aren't always the same -- some stay married, others don't -- but we can help you heal so that no matter what happens, YOU will be just fine.
Anon - to echo what the ladies above have said, I am truly sorry you are here. However this is the best place you could have found. Elle's blog is a sanctuary, as the ladies on here know exactly how you feel & what you are going through. Listen to the advice above - take care of yourself as best you can, focus on your kids, try not to contact the other woman as in the long run it doesn't usually help and use this forum to talk / let it out / seek advice - we are all here for you.
DeleteTheresa, if you weren't with family I would say we should meet up… and Beach Girl, birding, m that sounds fabulous. Xoxo
ReplyDeleteHopeful, i just wanted to say I hear you...so many good days and yet so many days I withdraw & pull my defences up. It's nearly always as I am reminded of what my H said as well as what he did. He left me a month before I found out about the affair - he ran as he was drowning in his own mess & it was easier to run rather than own up to it all. He told me over and over he was going as he didn't love me anymore. Yesterday was what would have been our wedding anniversary (I don't like the date anymore, don't feel it can be celebrated but hope one day it might be replaced with a new date maybe when he moves back in) but most of it was spent in tears reminding him of all the damaging things he said to me that still cause such pain (too painful a day to show him any compassion I'm afraid!). Today I am determined to have a better day. I hope in time we can both feel less guarded as we are reassured by the new marriage that is being built. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your words. It provides comfort going through this together. I commented on another post that I find it hard due to societies perception of affairs and betrayal. I have made the choice to tell no one. I feel that no one in my life can help me through this any better than I can on my own. (Besides my therapist) so I know I am making that choice. But really people have a messed up view. I did. And before going through this I would think how could someone stay with someone who did this to them. And who knows what else. I honestly really never thought about these things. Betrayal is something that is so far from a part of who I am. I think most people do not give it the time of day or understand it.
DeleteAnniversaries can be so hard. And other dates. Mine is coming up in a little over a month. Last August was a hard month with dday 2 and our anniversary. My daughters bday is soon and he started the affair when I was pregnant with her and maintained that her entire life until last year along with a second affair over those 9-10 years. It is so hard for me to have these dates trigger this all again. I try to focus on the positive and think about living my best life. Best wishes on your journey.
I am just reading this post today after a rather strange and sad twist was introduced to my own story. I have been dealing with the the aftermath of my husband's affair for about 5 months now. I have directed so much of my hurt and anger at the other woman. I told her myself a few times how I hoped her life would be ruined and she could feel the pain I felt. I've really been struggling lately and after a lot of work with my therapist/husband, I finally came to a point where I was ready to forgive her and let her go in peace. Since I had shared so many mean words previously, I sent her a message to let her know that I was sorry about my initial reaction. I told her that I forgave her for her role in all this devastation, that I know she is a good person who made bad choices when she fell in love with the guy at work (who happened to be married with an infant son). I sent these words to her after running into to her at the bank last Friday. There's a lot more to the story, but the point is I really had to dig deep and find the compassion within me to get to this point with her. I know it's never advised that betrayed wives and the other women interact with one another, but I'm so glad that I put those kind words out to her because 6 days later, her little brother was killed in a mysterious hit and run accident in our neighborhood. It turns out, she never saw my message until that day. When she responded to me, she told me what happened. I had to tell my husband too, which was hard, because my husband knew her brother and was very upset to hear of his passing. I don't know how to describe how it feels to have your heart go out to someone you once hated. I've learned in the strangest and saddest ways that compassion is the most powerful gift you can give back to this world. There is no need to wish pain on others, no matter what they've done to you. There is plenty of pain to go around already. I'm not saying that reaching this point with the other woman is easy, even without seeing her go through her own tragedy, but I do think it's worth striving for. It is possible. And in the end, we're all putting a little more love back into this beautiful and agonizing world. Yesterday, I placed flowers on her brother's roadside memorial. I didn't put my name on them and I'm not telling anyone (well, except you guys). I wouldn't say it made me feel better, but it felt like the right thing to do. I cried as I drove away and looked at my own son sleeping in the back seat. Later, I saw a quote by Maya Angelou that summed up my feelings perfectly: "Each of us has lived through some devastation, some loneliness, some weather superstorm or spiritual superstorm. When we look at each other, we must say I understand. I understand how you feel because I have been there myself. We must support each other because each of us is more alike than we are unlike." Elle, as always, your words fit right in to what I'm experiencing right now as well. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteKatie Lucas.. I'm so happy/sad for you, happy you have come to a place in your heart whereby you can give the ow compassion.. That must no doubt help you heal, that really does take a brave woman, not sure I could.. I'm sad you had to go through this situation and still come out the better person.. Your amazing katie, I think each and every woman on this site is extremely brave and compassionate to others.. Otherwise we wouldn't be here.. We would be on the bitter and twisted sites instead..
ReplyDeleteHope you are proud of yourself katie.. You should be... Big hugs xxx
Katie Lucas
ReplyDeleteI read your post and it so brought me back to how I felt when the ow in our situation lost her son. It changed my perception of her completely and I could begin to feel compassion for her and how destroyed her life must be. I'm able now to realize just how broken this person is and I continue to pray for her soul. She continues to reach out to my h periodically but he continued to let the court deal with her. Thank you for your heartfelt words! Hugs