Dear Ladies. I'm sure we have been swept up in the same storm. This storm is relentless and is not abating. Just when I think there may be a ray of sunshine, another storm front appears. This storm has sent my head in one direction and tossed my heart in another. My emotions are all over the place, hate, anger, sadness, numbness... The list is endless. My d day is 17th Nov 2015, 7 1/2 months ago, and it's not getting any easier. Husband and I have been together for 29 years, 20 of them married and we have 4 beautiful children, from young to teenagers. So I have their well being to consider also. (shame he didn't consider our kids when he indulged in his selfish fantasies.)
We went to MC twice before Christmas which was not productive, as husband was in denial he did anything wrong!!! He has yet to express to me remorse or ask for forgiveness. He has had a few affairs, but the last has gone on for over a year. She has since moved interstate, just before Christmas as husband put her in our business, that husband has with his brother interstate. I was not aware of this until d day. All my part in the business was to sign for bank funds. So last year the MC and I told him to call it off with her and work on his marriage which he said he will do. Yet. When we get back from Christmas holidays, I find a bank statement showing purchase from a pyjama shop, that was not from me. He couldn't deny this and eventually told me "yes I did buy them and sent them to her". He denies any contact with her. He wont go to MC as he wants to move forward and not look back. But. I see him always texting on his phone, hiding it in bed when I come back in the bedroom, and just a week ago I came up behind him and he was texting on his phone. As soon as he realised it was me, he turned the phone off and put it down. So - not half obvious. Also, I have since found out he speaks to her regularly morning and night and when the kids and I are out of the house. So during our fight, I asked him I reckon 50 times "tell me the truth. are you in contact with her?" To which he denied anything!!!! So the lies and secrecy are still continuing. The only good thing to come out of our fight is he agreed to go to MC, which we did 3 days ago. I came out of MC feeling good. That didn't last long, and all the doubts blew into my mind. I have decided I'm giving this one last chance with MC this time around hoping he will confess all, if someone else can help open him up and sort out this narcissistic man. I don't know if he has the guts to be honest and truthful, and I don't want to stay with a constant liar...but then my heart says what about the kids, the life that he's robbed from me..all the questions I know you ladies have had. I have been seeing an IC and she is fantastic. She said we'll work together on whatever I decide to do. Sometimes I wish I had the strength to kick him out, then I crumble. He's been my life for more than 1/2 mine and hell yes. I'm scared to be on my own with what would be having to deal with my emotions and our children's on my own. He has said he will always be in the children's lives...which is bull because he will only be there for the fun sporting stuff etc, who knows where he will go and what he will do. I would love your advise. Gabby xo
Gabby Take your time making a decision for forever. Concentrating on your children and your own needs. It sounds like your h is still in the fog of the affair and he's not ready to make the commitment to your marriage. Repairing a marriage after the affair takes work from both of you! One partner can't do the work if both are not willing to look at the why'd it happen and how to keep it from continuing. Keep going to mc watch how your h responds and set some boundaries for the use of the phone. This was one of the first things my h had to allow. He used to have a locked phone and yes just like your h, mine would quickly close his phone during the last year of his affair. Once he came clean of the details of the affair, we then could begin working on repairs to our relationship. Almost two years and we still have some tough times but we are pulling together and learning together how to deal with triggers and returning anger/hurt feelings. I'm so sorry you are living through the pain I know so well! Hugs!
Gabby I'm so sorry for what your going through, you pretty much have the evidence that he is still in touch with the ow, regardless of whether she has moved away he is still disrespecting you and your marriage by staying in touch. He is clearly still in the affair fog, ending an affair can take time to fizzle out, although if you agree on no contact then no contact is what it should be.
There must be some consequence for him staying in touch with her, that consequence is your choice and you should follow it through to gain some control back. I suppose there are a few options, could he sleep in another room or on the couch? Or at his relatives or friends... Gabby it will feel tough asking him to leave, but at least it will give you the time and space to decide where you go from here with the help of your Ic and if he agrees mc... Right now your kids will be picking up on the atmosphere, if they are anything like mine. Your kids will be fine with whatever you decide gabby... right now you need to take care of you gabby. That means putting your needs first... Figure out what it is you want and ask for it... I hope he understands how lucky he is to be having this chance... Please take care and let us know how you get on... Big hugs xxx
Gabby, I have to agree with what Sam has said. My husband was partially found out and then resumed the affair. It took him being completely found out to realize the damage he had done, recognize that he was about to lose his marriage and to pull his head out of his ass. I told him that night that he had a choice to make. He decided he wanted to work on rebuilding our marriage but doing that involved 100% transparency and absolutely no contact with her. We went to counseling together and while it's been a rough road, we are still together over a year out. You can offer him the opportunity to try to rebuild your marriage but it will take both of your efforts. My husband had years of selfish behavior prior to the affair and he had to spend a lot of time looking at his own issues and figuring out why he behaved the way he did. It's hard work, but it can be done. I'm sorry for the pain you feel right now. I know it's hard to believe when people tell you it will not last forever, but it is true. Hugs!
Dandelion--did you just copy a post of mine? Sadly, this sounds virtually the same as my own story though we are now 3 years past d-day #1 and I would say about a year down the road of real healing.
Anyway, Gabby- the best thing I could do to get myself and my relationship back on track was to stand up for myself, work on getting clear on my boundaries, and refuse to back down in the face of his selfish behavior. I had to get to the point of being willing to walk away if he wasn't going to respect me and treat me as I deserved. Not something one can do in one swoop--it is hard work, takes time, and can be done step-by-step.
Gabby I am All for "forgiveness" which I have not mastered. But there must be REMORSE on the cheaters end. For sure he's lying. My h hid a phone so well for a year and a half (prostitutes ) I had NO IDEA until d-day number 2 last month. This time I kicked him out. And feel 2000 percent better focusing on me. One person cannot rebuild a marriage. And your marriage cannot be rebuilt with a3rd person on the side. He has to stop it. He needs to be sorry but he needs to stop. If he won't. You have an answer. I'm sorry for this effing pain. It's awful he's willing to throw it all away for a something that odds are ENTIRELY against. Hang in there gabby. Work with your MC on boundaries. They saved my sanity.
I hope this does not repeat what failed to post just now on my side.
I am so sorry you are going through this. My circumstances were slightly different as they all are but I had so many of the same feelings. I found it so important to trust my gut. My husband had cut everything off before dday but I found he was guarded to protect himself and me. It was messed up but I do not think even after dday and no contact he was thinking right.
I knew for me I wanted to try my hardest to make things work like you very much for my kids. I got to the point quickly that I realized I had no control over him. I knew I needed to make myself the best version of me and help to heal me no matter what he decided. He had already taken away enough. My the roast was great. He helped me so much. Once we were past two ddays and the worst of the hurt and pain what was most effective was setting boundaries. Elle has said it on here that boundaries are in place to make you feel safe not control anyone. I just have always blindly trusted people would do what I would well now I know better.
The phone was a huge issue since I knew this is how he connected with his ap. What I did was I collected 18 months of cell phone use for both of us and most months his was 10x's mine. And yes many are group texts from friends and he has shown me the only contact from the ap and we decided together what to do. We decided his phone needs to be charging, off or in do not disturb except when he is on call or if needing it on for one of the kids to reach him. This has helped a ton. I had to explain how that is a trigger regarding his affairs since that is how they communicated. I told him I am not going to be a detective and I also know if he wanted to he could get a throw away phone or contact them from work. But it is so easy to detach with electronics. Other boundaries we set were related to time with friends, guys trips, golf, watching games with friends, drinking, how late he stays out etc. It was hard but my therapist said he lost his freedom and this is what he needs to do to make me feel safe then that is what he needs to do. And he might not get to do what he wants. He already did for 10+ years. That helped me a ton I felt like between Elle and my therapist it made a huge difference.
Make sure to take care of yourself, once I moved past the most hurt my husband showed major remorse. I do think you need to address no contact and/or ending the affair. My husband claimed the affairs did not last that long since he only "counted" the physical affair. That was something I would not give on it was them or me not both. And any contact was not acceptable. I am so glad you have a great individual therapist that is so important.
Gabby ... the fog is a terrible place to be dealing with my h fell back into the affair 2mo+ past dday one last romp in the hay phone calls and some money ... devastating but the rock bottem my h needed apparently now that the secret was out the sex wasnt all that amazing anymore and when i found out i went ape shit give a shit about me and this marriage or lose it all! After that boundaries, transparency and lots of talking before that trickle truth hurt and blank stares after that truth and confirmation that made my head spin! But after i had a story that made sense a better grasp of what it was and a h finally getting his head out of his ass we could begin to try and sort this shit storm out ... true you both have got to be in it an army of one will surely fall flat. Give yourself time if not to work together at the moment to practice self care ... find joy in your kids or frankly sit idle till it becomes clearler. Im 14mo out and while the hurt remains im no longer lying on the bathroom floor sobbing. The feeling is not that burning i cant breath burn but now an ache. I still have my moments but my choice is to try evetyday and love is not a given but a contant choice to love everyday. Hang in there till you know what you want to do for you ....
There would not be a rainbow without the storm. Peace and love, Beach Girl
ReplyDeleteDear Ladies. I'm sure we have been swept up in the same storm. This storm is relentless and is not abating. Just when I think there may be a ray of sunshine, another storm front appears. This storm has sent my head in one direction and tossed my heart in another. My emotions are all over the place, hate, anger, sadness, numbness... The list is endless.
ReplyDeleteMy d day is 17th Nov 2015, 7 1/2 months ago, and it's not getting any easier.
Husband and I have been together for 29 years, 20 of them married and we have 4 beautiful children, from young to teenagers. So I have their well being to consider also. (shame he didn't consider our kids when he indulged in his selfish fantasies.)
We went to MC twice before Christmas which was not productive, as husband was in denial he did anything wrong!!!
He has yet to express to me remorse or ask for forgiveness.
He has had a few affairs, but the last has gone on for over a year. She has since moved interstate, just before Christmas as husband put her in our business, that husband has with his brother interstate. I was not aware of this until d day. All my part in the business was to sign for bank funds. So last year the MC and I told him to call it off with her and work on his marriage which he said he will do.
Yet. When we get back from Christmas holidays, I find a bank statement showing purchase from a pyjama shop, that was not from me. He couldn't deny this and eventually told me "yes I did buy them and sent them to her".
He denies any contact with her. He wont go to MC as he wants to move forward and not look back. But. I see him always texting on his phone, hiding it in bed when I come back in the bedroom, and just a week ago I came up behind him and he was texting on his phone. As soon as he realised it was me, he turned the phone off and put it down. So - not half obvious. Also, I have since found out he speaks to her regularly morning and night and when the kids and I are out of the house.
So during our fight, I asked him I reckon 50 times "tell me the truth. are you in contact with her?" To which he denied anything!!!! So the lies and secrecy are still continuing.
The only good thing to come out of our fight is he agreed to go to MC, which we did 3 days ago. I came out of MC feeling good. That didn't last long, and all the doubts blew into my mind. I have decided I'm giving this one last chance with MC this time around hoping he will confess all, if someone else can help open him up and sort out this narcissistic man. I don't know if he has the guts to be honest and truthful, and I don't want to stay with a constant liar...but then my heart says what about the kids, the life that he's robbed from me..all the questions I know you ladies have had.
I have been seeing an IC and she is fantastic. She said we'll work together on whatever I decide to do.
Sometimes I wish I had the strength to kick him out, then I crumble. He's been my life for more than 1/2 mine and hell yes. I'm scared to be on my own with what would be having to deal with my emotions and our children's on my own. He has said he will always be in the children's lives...which is bull because he will only be there for the fun sporting stuff etc, who knows where he will go and what he will do.
I would love your advise.
Gabby xo
Gabby
DeleteTake your time making a decision for forever. Concentrating on your children and your own needs. It sounds like your h is still in the fog of the affair and he's not ready to make the commitment to your marriage. Repairing a marriage after the affair takes work from both of you! One partner can't do the work if both are not willing to look at the why'd it happen and how to keep it from continuing. Keep going to mc watch how your h responds and set some boundaries for the use of the phone. This was one of the first things my h had to allow. He used to have a locked phone and yes just like your h, mine would quickly close his phone during the last year of his affair. Once he came clean of the details of the affair, we then could begin working on repairs to our relationship. Almost two years and we still have some tough times but we are pulling together and learning together how to deal with triggers and returning anger/hurt feelings. I'm so sorry you are living through the pain I know so well! Hugs!
Gabby I'm so sorry for what your going through, you pretty much have the evidence that he is still in touch with the ow, regardless of whether she has moved away he is still disrespecting you and your marriage by staying in touch. He is clearly still in the affair fog, ending an affair can take time to fizzle out, although if you agree on no contact then no contact is what it should be.
ReplyDeleteThere must be some consequence for him staying in touch with her, that consequence is your choice and you should follow it through to gain some control back. I suppose there are a few options, could he sleep in another room or on the couch? Or at his relatives or friends... Gabby it will feel tough asking him to leave, but at least it will give you the time and space to decide where you go from here with the help of your Ic and if he agrees mc... Right now your kids will be picking up on the atmosphere, if they are anything like mine. Your kids will be fine with whatever you decide gabby... right now you need to take care of you gabby. That means putting your needs first... Figure out what it is you want and ask for it... I hope he understands how lucky he is to be having this chance... Please take care and let us know how you get on... Big hugs xxx
Gabby, I have to agree with what Sam has said. My husband was partially found out and then resumed the affair. It took him being completely found out to realize the damage he had done, recognize that he was about to lose his marriage and to pull his head out of his ass. I told him that night that he had a choice to make. He decided he wanted to work on rebuilding our marriage but doing that involved 100% transparency and absolutely no contact with her. We went to counseling together and while it's been a rough road, we are still together over a year out.
ReplyDeleteYou can offer him the opportunity to try to rebuild your marriage but it will take both of your efforts. My husband had years of selfish behavior prior to the affair and he had to spend a lot of time looking at his own issues and figuring out why he behaved the way he did. It's hard work, but it can be done.
I'm sorry for the pain you feel right now. I know it's hard to believe when people tell you it will not last forever, but it is true.
Hugs!
Dandelion--did you just copy a post of mine? Sadly, this sounds virtually the same as my own story though we are now 3 years past d-day #1 and I would say about a year down the road of real healing.
DeleteAnyway, Gabby- the best thing I could do to get myself and my relationship back on track was to stand up for myself, work on getting clear on my boundaries, and refuse to back down in the face of his selfish behavior. I had to get to the point of being willing to walk away if he wasn't going to respect me and treat me as I deserved. Not something one can do in one swoop--it is hard work, takes time, and can be done step-by-step.
Gabby I am
ReplyDeleteAll for "forgiveness" which I have not mastered. But there must be REMORSE on the cheaters end. For sure he's lying. My h hid a phone so well for a year and a half (prostitutes ) I had NO IDEA until d-day number 2 last month. This time I kicked him out. And feel 2000 percent better focusing on me. One person cannot rebuild a marriage. And your marriage cannot be rebuilt with a3rd person on the side. He has to stop it. He needs to be sorry but he needs to stop. If he won't. You have an answer. I'm sorry for this effing pain. It's awful he's willing to throw it all away for a something that odds are ENTIRELY against. Hang in there gabby. Work with your MC on boundaries. They saved my sanity.
Gabby,
ReplyDeleteI hope this does not repeat what failed to post just now on my side.
I am so sorry you are going through this. My circumstances were slightly different as they all are but I had so many of the same feelings. I found it so important to trust my gut. My husband had cut everything off before dday but I found he was guarded to protect himself and me. It was messed up but I do not think even after dday and no contact he was thinking right.
I knew for me I wanted to try my hardest to make things work like you very much for my kids. I got to the point quickly that I realized I had no control over him. I knew I needed to make myself the best version of me and help to heal me no matter what he decided. He had already taken away enough. My the roast was great. He helped me so much. Once we were past two ddays and the worst of the hurt and pain what was most effective was setting boundaries. Elle has said it on here that boundaries are in place to make you feel safe not control anyone. I just have always blindly trusted people would do what I would well now I know better.
The phone was a huge issue since I knew this is how he connected with his ap. What I did was I collected 18 months of cell phone use for both of us and most months his was 10x's mine. And yes many are group texts from friends and he has shown me the only contact from the ap and we decided together what to do. We decided his phone needs to be charging, off or in do not disturb except when he is on call or if needing it on for one of the kids to reach him. This has helped a ton. I had to explain how that is a trigger regarding his affairs since that is how they communicated. I told him I am not going to be a detective and I also know if he wanted to he could get a throw away phone or contact them from work. But it is so easy to detach with electronics. Other boundaries we set were related to time with friends, guys trips, golf, watching games with friends, drinking, how late he stays out etc. It was hard but my therapist said he lost his freedom and this is what he needs to do to make me feel safe then that is what he needs to do. And he might not get to do what he wants. He already did for 10+ years. That helped me a ton I felt like between Elle and my therapist it made a huge difference.
Make sure to take care of yourself, once I moved past the most hurt my husband showed major remorse. I do think you need to address no contact and/or ending the affair. My husband claimed the affairs did not last that long since he only "counted" the physical affair. That was something I would not give on it was them or me not both. And any contact was not acceptable. I am so glad you have a great individual therapist that is so important.
Gabby ... the fog is a terrible place to be dealing with my h fell back into the affair 2mo+ past dday one last romp in the hay phone calls and some money ... devastating but the rock bottem my h needed apparently now that the secret was out the sex wasnt all that amazing anymore and when i found out i went ape shit give a shit about me and this marriage or lose it all! After that boundaries, transparency and lots of talking before that trickle truth hurt and blank stares after that truth and confirmation that made my head spin! But after i had a story that made sense a better grasp of what it was and a h finally getting his head out of his ass we could begin to try and sort this shit storm out ... true you both have got to be in it an army of one will surely fall flat. Give yourself time if not to work together at the moment to practice self care ... find joy in your kids or frankly sit idle till it becomes clearler. Im 14mo out and while the hurt remains im no longer lying on the bathroom floor sobbing. The feeling is not that burning i cant breath burn but now an ache. I still have my moments but my choice is to try evetyday and love is not a given but a contant choice to love everyday. Hang in there till you know what you want to do for you ....
ReplyDelete