A perfect description of me post-Dday! Only women reading this here will truly understand, as we've all been there. Bless us all with strength to grow. Carol the First
I feel like this describes my husband exactly. He is the one who had to do a 180 and change virtually every aspect of his life. He had to make the changes. I am sure his friends have wondered what has happened. My friends have questioned me it is that obvious.
I feel like this quote describes both me and my husband right now, as both individuals and a couple. My name is Katie and I'm 5 months out from d-day. When I found out that my husband had been having an affair for over a year-and-a-half while I was struggling as a working new mom, I was completely shattered. I knew we had issues, but this absolutely blind-sided me. I've been through plenty of shit already in my short 31 years on this earth, but nothing has ever hurt so me badly. Whether they intended to or not, what the 2 of them did to me ripped me wide open; and along with it, every wound and scar that I was poorly covering within myself was ripped open too. After the initial shock and outrage of finding out, I began to see that my husband, too, was a shattered mess. When I realized that we were both hurting so deeply over what happened, that's when I think we started to take our first steps towards reconciliation. Over the last 5 months, we have both gone to individual and couples therapy in order to begin rebuilding both ourselves and our marriage. It hasn't been easy by any means... facing ourselves, each other, working towards acceptance, and the rebuilding of a relationship that almost feels brand new, even though we have been together for almost 12 years. From the very beginning of all this, I have been determined to not allow my negative emotions to consume me. I don't just want to survive either. I want to come out in the end as a better person... A more confident, wise, loving, trusting, forgiving version of myself. (The women on this site have been largely responsible for inspiring this determination. I find you all so beautiful.)
Going to couples therapy has been very beneficial for my husband and I, but I think the really tough work in individual therapy and facing so many of our unresolved issues has been life-changing. Given everything I've already been through in my life before this affair, I should have been in therapy decades ago. I'm sorry about the way I finally arrived at this point, but I'm so glad I'm here. I'm taking care of myself first now. There's something empowering about owning your story and fighting to rise above all the bullshit that's found it's way to you. Good things can come out of bad situations. You just need to be willing to see them and that takes time (and a lot insight). I can see that beautiful things have already grown from the ripped-open mess of a seed that became my life and marriage. I may just be looking at the first sprouts of a new plant (and some of pieces of the seed are definitely still lingering around), but I am hopeful that these new roots will grow into something very beautiful.
Katie W I'm so sorry you had to arrive here but so glad you did! My goodness how brave and strong you sound! I'm glad you are in therapy! What an amazing inspirational young woman you are! Most of us are barely where you are in your journey! Your story is similar to all in regards to the pain and how completely it shatters our world! How remarkable you've handled yourself is to be admired! Keep walking forward and by all means keep posting here because your story will give so many others hope in such a 'hopeless feeling' place! Thanks for posting this!
Katie W, I am blown away by your words when you are only at 5 months. Please know you are amazing and your words have me feel strong and positive today, the day after a huge trigger related melt down. Your words have reminded me just how hopeful and positive that something beautiful will grow from the mess too. Thank you.
I agree thank you for your words. It always helps me to come here and to read other posts. I find comfort when I can relate and also get a boost from others positive posts.
So I don't know how many of you are familiar with Glennon Doyle Melton, author of "Carry On, Warrior." I loved her first book and was so excited when I found out she had a second book coming out this September all about her marriage (it is revealed in her first book that her husband was unfaithful). She is so wise and I have been so looking forward to hearing more about her marriage and their reconciliation because so much of her first book spoke to me after my own D-Day. So today I looked at her blog and she has just announced that she and her husband are separating. While I respect her decision as being what's best for her, I can't help but feel betrayed almost and heartbroken that this book I have looked forward to as a how-to survive this horrible mess will read so much differently now that I know their marriage did not survive. I am in such a funk today after that news.
I hear your disappointment Grace. But I guess I have moved on from desperately wanting my marriage to work out. And I think that is her lesson in her book and all her writings. I think her stuff goes way beyond that. It is lessons on how to make ourselves whole, capable of loving ourselves and loving another. I never imagined that it had anything to do with fixing a marriage. I too felt sadness, but her post on her blog reminded me that my first and foremost commitment is to myself. Whether our marraiges survive, well, we can't control that. And I don't think any book can promise that. We can only be true to ourselves and that is the real healing. I won't give up that lesson just to have an intact marriage. And the thing is, a good marriage, depends on us being mostly whole people anyway. So you got to do that work, either way. Ella, I am sorry to hear about your divorce. Even if it is the right thing in the end, it is painful. I don't know of any blogs but I think the wisdom found here applies to all of us. I do know there are divorce care groups but I don't know about blogs. Good Luck.
Me too, Grace! I've been waiting patiently for my copy of her book to arrive. When I saw that post show up in my FB feed, it was like I felt deflated. My heart hurts for her and, honestly, it made me fearful for my own marriage. I'm trying to just stay in the moment and focus on what I can do today to continue healing.
Fearful indeed ... its our choice everyday and theirs to be an active participant in trying to wade the bullshit and come out on the otherside. Heartbreaking yes about anyones whos unity ended but wholeheartedly sadden by the words she feels like she no longer fits and that my friend is what scares me from time to time ... do people fall out of love ... grow apart or do they just lose the drive to stop trying? Staying in the day eases this ... makes being and digesting and giving my all more attainable. Interesting enough i just talked about this w my H stating love isnt a feeling no its an action and a commitment to choose to love someone everyday. I think in the same instance its not only about them but also loving ourselves everyday and i try to remain hopful, wounded and not broken im almost 15mo out its been a wild ride and sea of emotions change and just deep thought. The pain was excuritaing the deceit lies and money breathtaking but we are all still here .. standing and choosing our next right step and no matter what that next step is, different for all of us, we are all warriors in different shoes but similar paths. Im thankful for all of you.
Wounded, you are so right. It's a choice every day. And, yes, love is an action. The aftermath of the affair was gut wrenching and I think both of us found ourselves completely exposed. All our issues were out there and they had to be dealt with. There was no running from them anymore. We are almost 14 months later, taking the time we need to heal and rebuild. Like you said, making the choice day by day. We had a conversation the other day and he commented about how we talk about things now, put effort into our marriage. It's a huge change. I struggle still with loving myself but I am continuing to work on it. I've started working out again. I journal here and there. I work really hard at shifting my focus when I know I'm headed in an unhealthy direction. I took Brene Brown's online course in self-compassion and that has really helped me to recognize what I'm feeling, to be mindful. Some days staying in the moment is harder than others.
So we ended in divorce.....and now I really don't know where to find support. I don't want any man hater blogs. I want help me find myself and recover blogs. Any suggestions from anyone???
You are strong, look around you. There is support maybe you just aren't seeing it? It was hard for me to ask for help. It maybe a soft whisper. This has several forums for divorced woman. The site is survivinginfidelity.com.
A perfect description of me post-Dday! Only women reading this here will truly understand, as we've all been there. Bless us all with strength to grow.
ReplyDeleteCarol the First
I feel like this describes my husband exactly. He is the one who had to do a 180 and change virtually every aspect of his life. He had to make the changes. I am sure his friends have wondered what has happened. My friends have questioned me it is that obvious.
ReplyDeleteI feel like this quote describes both me and my husband right now, as both individuals and a couple. My name is Katie and I'm 5 months out from d-day. When I found out that my husband had been having an affair for over a year-and-a-half while I was struggling as a working new mom, I was completely shattered. I knew we had issues, but this absolutely blind-sided me. I've been through plenty of shit already in my short 31 years on this earth, but nothing has ever hurt so me badly. Whether they intended to or not, what the 2 of them did to me ripped me wide open; and along with it, every wound and scar that I was poorly covering within myself was ripped open too. After the initial shock and outrage of finding out, I began to see that my husband, too, was a shattered mess. When I realized that we were both hurting so deeply over what happened, that's when I think we started to take our first steps towards reconciliation. Over the last 5 months, we have both gone to individual and couples therapy in order to begin rebuilding both ourselves and our marriage. It hasn't been easy by any means... facing ourselves, each other, working towards acceptance, and the rebuilding of a relationship that almost feels brand new, even though we have been together for almost 12 years. From the very beginning of all this, I have been determined to not allow my negative emotions to consume me. I don't just want to survive either. I want to come out in the end as a better person... A more confident, wise, loving, trusting, forgiving version of myself. (The women on this site have been largely responsible for inspiring this determination. I find you all so beautiful.)
ReplyDeleteGoing to couples therapy has been very beneficial for my husband and I, but I think the really tough work in individual therapy and facing so many of our unresolved issues has been life-changing. Given everything I've already been through in my life before this affair, I should have been in therapy decades ago. I'm sorry about the way I finally arrived at this point, but I'm so glad I'm here. I'm taking care of myself first now. There's something empowering about owning your story and fighting to rise above all the bullshit that's found it's way to you. Good things can come out of bad situations. You just need to be willing to see them and that takes time (and a lot insight). I can see that beautiful things have already grown from the ripped-open mess of a seed that became my life and marriage. I may just be looking at the first sprouts of a new plant (and some of pieces of the seed are definitely still lingering around), but I am hopeful that these new roots will grow into something very beautiful.
~Katie W.
Katie W
DeleteI'm so sorry you had to arrive here but so glad you did! My goodness how brave and strong you sound! I'm glad you are in therapy! What an amazing inspirational young woman you are! Most of us are barely where you are in your journey! Your story is similar to all in regards to the pain and how completely it shatters our world! How remarkable you've handled yourself is to be admired! Keep walking forward and by all means keep posting here because your story will give so many others hope in such a 'hopeless feeling' place! Thanks for posting this!
That was beautiful, Katie! So well said.
DeleteKatie W, I am blown away by your words when you are only at 5 months. Please know you are amazing and your words have me feel strong and positive today, the day after a huge trigger related melt down. Your words have reminded me just how hopeful and positive that something beautiful will grow from the mess too. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteKatie,
ReplyDeleteI agree thank you for your words. It always helps me to come here and to read other posts. I find comfort when I can relate and also get a boost from others positive posts.
Thank you!
Wow. You're truly amazing. I'm 1 month out from Dday and this is truly inspirational. I wish you all the best in this journey.
ReplyDeleteSo I don't know how many of you are familiar with Glennon Doyle Melton, author of "Carry On, Warrior." I loved her first book and was so excited when I found out she had a second book coming out this September all about her marriage (it is revealed in her first book that her husband was unfaithful). She is so wise and I have been so looking forward to hearing more about her marriage and their reconciliation because so much of her first book spoke to me after my own D-Day. So today I looked at her blog and she has just announced that she and her husband are separating. While I respect her decision as being what's best for her, I can't help but feel betrayed almost and heartbroken that this book I have looked forward to as a how-to survive this horrible mess will read so much differently now that I know their marriage did not survive. I am in such a funk today after that news.
ReplyDeleteI hear your disappointment Grace. But I guess I have moved on from desperately wanting my marriage to work out. And I think that is her lesson in her book and all her writings. I think her stuff goes way beyond that. It is lessons on how to make ourselves whole, capable of loving ourselves and loving another. I never imagined that it had anything to do with fixing a marriage.
DeleteI too felt sadness, but her post on her blog reminded me that my first and foremost commitment is to myself. Whether our marraiges survive, well, we can't control that. And I don't think any book can promise that. We can only be true to ourselves and that is the real healing. I won't give up that lesson just to have an intact marriage. And the thing is, a good marriage, depends on us being mostly whole people anyway. So you got to do that work, either way.
Ella, I am sorry to hear about your divorce. Even if it is the right thing in the end, it is painful. I don't know of any blogs but I think the wisdom found here applies to all of us. I do know there are divorce care groups but I don't know about blogs. Good Luck.
Me too, Grace! I've been waiting patiently for my copy of her book to arrive. When I saw that post show up in my FB feed, it was like I felt deflated. My heart hurts for her and, honestly, it made me fearful for my own marriage. I'm trying to just stay in the moment and focus on what I can do today to continue healing.
DeleteFearful indeed ... its our choice everyday and theirs to be an active participant in trying to wade the bullshit and come out on the otherside. Heartbreaking yes about anyones whos unity ended but wholeheartedly sadden by the words she feels like she no longer fits and that my friend is what scares me from time to time ... do people fall out of love ... grow apart or do they just lose the drive to stop trying? Staying in the day eases this ... makes being and digesting and giving my all more attainable. Interesting enough i just talked about this w my H stating love isnt a feeling no its an action and a commitment to choose to love someone everyday. I think in the same instance its not only about them but also loving ourselves everyday and i try to remain hopful, wounded and not broken im almost 15mo out its been a wild ride and sea of emotions change and just deep thought. The pain was excuritaing the deceit lies and money breathtaking but we are all still here .. standing and choosing our next right step and no matter what that next step is, different for all of us, we are all warriors in different shoes but similar paths. Im thankful for all of you.
DeleteWounded, you are so right. It's a choice every day. And, yes, love is an action. The aftermath of the affair was gut wrenching and I think both of us found ourselves completely exposed. All our issues were out there and they had to be dealt with. There was no running from them anymore. We are almost 14 months later, taking the time we need to heal and rebuild. Like you said, making the choice day by day. We had a conversation the other day and he commented about how we talk about things now, put effort into our marriage. It's a huge change. I struggle still with loving myself but I am continuing to work on it. I've started working out again. I journal here and there. I work really hard at shifting my focus when I know I'm headed in an unhealthy direction. I took Brene Brown's online course in self-compassion and that has really helped me to recognize what I'm feeling, to be mindful. Some days staying in the moment is harder than others.
DeleteSo we ended in divorce.....and now I really don't know where to find support. I don't want any man hater blogs. I want help me find myself and recover blogs. Any suggestions from anyone???
ReplyDeleteYou are strong, look around you. There is support maybe you just aren't seeing it? It was hard for me to ask for help. It maybe a soft whisper. This has several forums for divorced woman. The site is survivinginfidelity.com.
ReplyDelete