I found out my husband was having an affair 3and a half weeks ago. It was incredibly shocking as I never in a million years thought he was capable of doing this to me. When I told him I had found text messages, he denied that anything physical happened and stuck with that story until days later when i found proof that it had. I felt like a knife had stabbed me in the heart. What's worse is that he was defensive and mean towards me the entire time after I found out. In the following three weeks, I opened up communication- completely open and without walls. I had an intense need to know every detail. I begged him to tell me the entire truth multiple times. He had so many chances and continued to lie to cover up details of the affair. His defensiveness after each discovery was so hurtful. I believe that he has ended all contact with her but there are some professional boards they sit on together so some contact will be inevitable. He says he wants to work on us, but has not shown me any action where I feel he is being sensitive to my needs and at times is quite mean. I'm definitely leaning towards separation but I have a young child to consider. I am seeing a counsellor this week and I think my focus will be my own healing so I can make an informed choice and at the very least, not hate him. I don't even recognize my husband anymore. It's incredibly painful.
Anoymous July 20 I'm so sorry for the pain I know you are feeling! I know what you mean about not knowing that man you are married to after learning of his poor choice! Three and a half weeks is such a raw spot in the mess that this has caused! It sounds like your h is still in the fog or else just a total ass! I'm so he's treating you mean. You don't have to live like that! Even with a young child you can ask him to leave until he can treat you with respect! I'm glad you are meeting a councilor that will help you with clarity. I'm right there with you on how painful this is for me like watching the death of a loved one! My advice is go slow on long term decisions and with time and therapy perhaps your h will get his big boy pants on and be the man you deserve! Hugs!
So sorry you are here but it is a great resource and place to voice your feelings. That is great you are going to a therapist. My therapist and this website have been the most helpful resources. All I can say is you are so early on in this process. What helped me was to journal and write down questions. I used this to talk in therapy and also my husband set one time a week we would talk about his affairs and our marriage. That was what worked for us and helped me to not focus on it all the time. For me the journaling helped me focus my thoughts. I would see patterns throughout the week as to what was standing out over and over. It was a hard and painful process. I am 15 months past dday one. Dday two was 5 months after dday one with lots of trickle truth in between. And dday two hurt way worse than dday one. What I decided is that I wanted to put forth my full effort to make our marriage work.
Over time I realized I needed to take care of myself first and I was the only one I could control. It took a lot of time and lots of highs and lows. Over time I really improved. For us at least my husband held it all together for that first year. As I finally got to a good place I felt him open up. He had no contact etc but he was doing what he could to help me. Once he saw i was in a better place he started what I would say was his work. It has not been easy but so far it is worth it. I still have hard days and triggers. But I have told my husband I am thankful this came out. Because of this coming out our marriage is stronger than ever. My husband never thought this would be possible after all he did and he thanks me every day. He has made me his number one priority, our marriage and our kids. But it did take a lot of time. For me Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass was the most helpful book for me. Hang in there and be patient with yourself.
Anon: welcome to the crummiest club none of us ever wanted to be part of. Most of us here are very familiar with the complete disorientation that comes with initial discovery. And many of us have experienced defensive husbands who continue to lie until their hand is forced. They even have a name for it--trickle truth--isn't that the cutest little name you ever heard for a habit that just kicks the crap out of you? I'm sorry you find yourself here and feeling this pain. I think counseling is a great start. I'm ten months out from discovery which feels like a lifetime, but is really very little in terms of healing. I share that for two reasons: 1) I can tell you that the pain does lessen. It seems impossible, but it does, and 2) I still struggle and wonder what is right, so I would advise you to give yourself a lot of time before you make any decisions. Don't expect to have a clear head about any of this for some time.
In the meantime, take care of you. As silly as it sounds, it's the best thing you can do for you and your child. Sending big hugs your way.
Anonymous, The incredible BWC warriors here have given you great advice. I'm so sorry you needed to find us...but so glad that you did. Your intention to focus on your own healing is crucial. You cannot control your husband's response to your pain, but you can honour it yourself and work through it. His response to you -- defensiveness, coldness, refusal to hear your pain -- makes me wonder if he's still involved in the affair. The "fog" it's often called and it's when a cheating partner is still convinced that you are the enemy and the affair partner is where true love is. I second the idea of separating until he can come totally clean about everything that happened and offer you up genuine remorse and a deep compassion for the pain he's caused you. Until then, I'm afraid you're fighting a losing battle. Hang in there, Anonymous. You will get through this. Focus on your wonderful child and remind yourself often of your own value -- you were a loyal partner, worthy of respect and honesty and kindness.
I guess my username is evidence that I have one of those blessed hearts! 17 months out I am still here, bending! Bending to ease the pain from triggers! Bending to not let the hate overtake the joy in my life! Bending to to get better, not bitter! Bending to focus on the future! Bending to not let the past harden my heart! Bending to find the silver lining in this shit storm! Bending to extend grace and forgiveness when hate wants to take over! Bending to rebuild a marriage the my WH tried to destroy with his selfishness!! Bending to find my inner strength, daily! Bending to let go of the things I cannot change! Bending to find the courage to change what I can! Bending to make bad days better! Bending to not let this unfair situation define me or my marriage!
It's my prayer for all of you ladies here to find the strength to bend, as we are too strong to be broken!
BNB, Just let yourself take a break now and again. All that bending is gonna hurt. Sometimes you just need to stand strong in your own feelings -- experience them, honour them and trust that you'll find your way through the worst of it.
Time a 4 letter word some days! Bern there defensive... trickle truth ... covering ... mean ... either hes in the fog still or cant bear to face the shame to own up to his wrong doings and be accountable... thats his shit and it took my H months!!! To come clean i obsessed... asked and checked things like it was my full time job. U need details to make sense of course but i will also gently say be weary that u want to know what u are asking ... u cant know things. For me truth that hurt like a bitch was way better than wondering or not as bad as the conclusion i made up myself 3.5 weeks in to raw to decide anything so dont sit idle till it becomes clearler it will but not as quick as we like! His shit true but he needs to own it ... be all in if you arw going to work thru the shitfest. Take care of you... ask away or sit quiet and watch for action. Work on boundries and voices ... uncomfortable i know. Come here so you dont feel so lonely! Wish i wasnt here either but so glad i found these warrior ladies ... god sent truly. Best to you
Cant unknow things is what i meant ... some will burn fire in your heart and others hurt but bring clarity and less obsession thoughts ... id rather be slapped w the truth then kissed with a lie but thats me and 14mo out better but till on that recovery road to healing ... arent we all.
Anonymous, I am so very sorry that you are going through this. The pain can be unspeakable. I congratulate you on the clarity of vision that lets you take care of yourself. Take as much time as you need to figure out the next right step for you. You've found a great bunch of women here who will stand beside you and see your pain and applaud your growth. Much love. Keep breathing.
This is so true. I never felt like I was a strong person until now. But I look back and what I did to hold our marriage together and raise our kids with so little support. It really was hard to see during but looking back wow. My husband acknowledges this often and it is hard for him. He says he can see the bond I have with our kids and he does not have that. A lot has to do with how detached he was for 10 years. Also he seems to have so much respect for me and how i have handled all this. It is hard to find the good in betrayal but I do see myself in a new light which is really powerful.
Anon 5:22am, I'm 31 months on a healing road. I'm no expert but this site is to share our thoughts and experiences. My husband said he was defensive due to trying to justify his choices. It took him a year to say anything negative about her. At the beginning he justified it by saying "she was like crack, fun, attractive, sex was wild, she took his advice, she made him feel important. His story changed in over a years time to "she whined all the time, I got tired of her drama, the sex could have been telephone sex, it was offered, you don't know how many times I refused, I was bored, I lied and to her when I didn't want to come over, her house was dirty and she used me. I'm sure all of it is partially true. Cheaters lie and continue to lie even after being caught. From what I read the majority of cheaters lie, minimize or omit affair information that I craved. The major indicators for a second chance for me was regret and remorse. You need to decide what entitles him to a second chance. Ask him why he is being mean, ask him why he is defensive. What do have to lose? Do not let him blow you off. When you hear the truth from him be prepared to be hurt big time. But it is his perspective which may not be real. My husband lied to himself about our marriage to make him feel entitled to have an affair. His affair lasted 2.5 years. Take your time don't make any decisions until you have the story which you understand. Your emotions are on a roller coaster and may lead to the wrong decision for you if you stay or go. Make your decision for you. He lost his chance. It took me 22 months to decide to stay. This was the right decision for me. He changed then I stayed around to see if it was real. I challenged his integrity constantly. Elle and other helped so much, I'm forever grateful. Take care of you. I feel your anguish and pain. You will find strength, a solid inner core to yourself that got lost or you never realized you had. I kept sharing on this site, the raw truth about how I was feeling. Some of it was x-rated and violent. I was never turned away, made feel to feel unimportant and was never left. You will get through this. Data has your back verify that he is not seeing her. Do you have pass words and is he transparent with emails, phone texts, do you know where he is at all times? Ask him what does work on us mean to him?
Blessed are the hearts that can bend. This got me thinking about what works for me and what didn't. What worked.... Asking questions incessantly, walking my dog, getting angry when I damn well felt like it, posting on BWC, canning vegetables, throwing things, I bought an battery electric girlie chain saw and spend hours in the winter cold cutting vines that were strangling the life out of the trees on the farm, said no a lot to my husband and family, spent money on myself, journaling, listening to meditation at night, not taking out the trash. Anything to do with cold and hunger, that pain felt better than the betrayal pain. Still does at times. Asking him to open my car door, buy flowers or perfume, give me bear hugs until I said to let go, take me out to dinner, him going to therapy, reading betrayal books, buckle the outside of my shoe, zipping my dress and fixing dinner so we could dine on the patio, outside or asking for a surprise date night. Thank goodness for therapy. Confronting the psych kindergarten teacher.
What I couldn't get the hang of was was the rubber band on the wrist, putting up a picture of a baboon called it the OW, mindfulness, trying to think about something else, being by myself, holding my anger inside, going to the places they went to, imaging the affair like fish hook I didn't let myself off, none of the mind games worked. I'm a task oriented and action person so anything I could "do" helped me.
What got my heart out of its stiff contraction of contortion is my H who was an asshole who turned into someone I didn't know could be so kind and caring. Learning so much about myself, good and not so good. So far so good but I still keep one eye on the door, a door which stays open a crack and a small light is still on incase I need to escape. I'm never going to give away that choice. My heart is still bending. I just feel like posting today but I don't mean to take up all the space.
Anon, great advice from all the ladies, Llp has hit the nail on the head, your h is being mean because he's been caught out, his fantasy is over, his secret meetings, dirty sex are all out in the clear light of day.. Not so exciting now, he's gonna likely see the affair for what it was ( dirty sex) and nothing more. It's gonna take some time for him to get his head out of his ass, if he ever does.. he has no right to be mean to you like Llp said pick him up on that make him accountable for his behaviour, if he continues to treat you unkind., then you decide whether he needs to leave. Believe in yourself you have control now, not him, he lost any kind of choice when he went outside the marriage...
Like all the ladies have said time is everything in these situations 3 weeks will turn into 3 months almost instantly and you may feel that nothing much has changed, that's absolutely fine it can take months before you see any changes in yourself let alone your h.. So try not to make any decisions right now other than asking him to leave if he continues to make this any harder than it already is.. Do what's right for you, I know you have a young child so decide whether or not some space would give you some breathing space to concentrate on you and your baby.. For me seeing my h after d day2 felt unbearable especially because he was also being mean he still is to some degree but he's living elsewhere so it doesn't effect me as much as it would if we were under the same roof.. We are 3 months from d day 2. Anon things will get better believe us we know how you are feeling... We got your back girl.. Let us know how you are ... Big big hugs xxx
As I am reading everyone's comments and messages of support to the newest member of this club we never expected or wanted to join, I am overwhelmed by the love, acceptance and support pouring out, the willingness to be present and witness another's grief and the amazingness of you all. In the midst of what is a shitshow, you all are truly a gift. We are a gift to each other in dark and shadow and even light. Thank you all. Much love, SS
I too am so often heartened by the compassion and kindness on this site. You BWC warriors never fail to amaze me with your ability to reach out to someone else, even when you're often in the midst of the worse pain of your life. Thank-you to everyone here who makes this space a safe and welcoming one for those who limp in with their bleeding and battered heart.
Anon, I'm sorry you have to be here, but this is a great place considering. Listen to the ladies here. Do not make major decisions at 3 weeks out. And don't let him be mean to you. You don't deserve to be treated like that!!
I, too, am overwhelmed by the ladies here. You all are amazing. This is a great place to get great advice because NONE of us wanted to ever be in this situation, but sadly we are.
I'm exactly 7 months out from dday. I've learned some things these past months. Some I like, some I don't, but have to deal with them any way. I hate that healing from this heartbreak is so lonely. That I feel like I have no joy or happiness (when will it return???). That my heart and my head often clash. That I have a hard time with what is real and what my head tells me. That I feel like I'm working to heal but that my husband has moved on so quickly saying that the possibility of him being with another woman is the furthest thing from his mind, that it sickens him, that it makes him sad when I bring her up, and says I'm his only love (yet he said in texts he loved the OW). And I'm sure he forgets that the MC said I would need time. That I feel like I reach out to him more than he reaches out to me. That I question, question, question EVERYTHING and then feel guilty for it. That I want him to make me feel special and set up dates, etc. (like he did with the OW) yet knowing it's not going to happen. Well, after re-reading what I've written, I'm not seeing anything positive except for the fact that some days I feel stronger than ever before. Yet on days like today, I wonder how I'll make it through the day.
My husband says he's committed to our marriage and me but in some ways it doesn't feel much different than before -- yet. I think he has a lot of work to do but isn't doing it.
Damn it! This sucks!!!
Thanks for being here and letting me vent. I'm going to take some of the tips from others to get through this.
Feeling lost You echo so many of the things I crave from my h! Our situation is a bit different however as my h was busy dating her through the week and me on the weekends. I guess that was how it was easy for him to keep it from my knowledge during the actual affair but once he ended the affair two and a half years ago, and dday October 2014, I expected him to treat me like I was the most important thing in his life, and he tried but it was not enough in the beginning! I'm not embarrassed to say how needy his betrayal caused me to be! I felt like I needed to hear his voice multiple times a day especially when he was traveling for work in a different state. I expected him to romance me when he came back from those trips and I suppose he tried but for the first year or so not much he did was enough for me! I'd pretty much begun to show signs of PTSD and once I realized that, I began to listen to the advice given to me in therapy all those years and slowly my world settled back to a new normal. I still have the need to hear from him during the work day but if he's busy and he forgets to send me a text message or call, I no longer have the same anxiety I had before. You are so right how this sucks! I'm still a work in progress but one day at a time I'm getting through! This blog and the advice here along with the ability to vent without judgement has helped me tremendously! Hugs!
For me days have felt a lot like the old days. We have been really busy. Normalcy has seemed to return. More of a daily grind. When things get tense or snappy I call my husband on immediately. He owns up to it quickly. But it is happening more. He seems more content that ever and so happy that we have each other. Very attentive etc. Yet I find myself thinking more and more is this it. I am not one to think is the grass greener. I know nothing in life is easy or perfect. But I do wonder are we best for each other. Or are we hanging on because of comfort, familiarity, kids, history etc... Does anyone else ever think about this. I am not golfifying separation or divorce but I feel like I am being inundated with stories of people who divorced and end up finding this person who is such a treasure and more than they could dream of. And these people talk about how hard it was to get to that place. But I don't know is reconciliation best? I know there is no universal answer. But I find myself struggling with the lies and deception that went on for so long. How can someone ever regain trust. I mean can I ever fully trust my husband again? I think he is hoping for total trust over time. I am just not sure I can give that after what he did. Right when I think we have moved past it I sink back into it. Ugh.
I have been having those very thoughts myself. It is awful! My IC has been helping me but I've not been seeing the IC very long. One thing we've discussed is the type of love there is between me and my husband. Is it need love (only there to fulfill basic needs) or being love (based on love and the person). It is so hard to figure all this stuff out. Healing is HARD and I hate that I feel like I have to do it. And I couldn't agree more about the lies and deception and ever trusting again. One thing is to learn to trust ourselves. I'm reading a book called Intimacy after Infidelity (suggested by my IC) and reading it brings up both bad and good things in my mind.
I feel just like you do - just when I think we've moved past something, something else comes up and I sink back down. It is a vicious roller coaster ride that I didn't ever think I'd be on, yet I am so I have to ride it out so to speak.
I'm desperately hoping that our marriage only gets stronger because of this. Next week is our 37th wedding anniversary and it is going to be so damn hard for me. My husband wanted to have a party (everyone asks why 37, why not 40). A vow renewal with close friends and family -- all at my husbands request. I hope I can hold it together. He's been telling me how happy he is now, how stupid it was, how he'll never do it again, etc., etc., you know the lines. I just hope this is all sincere on his part. This is one of those things that goes back to "don't make decisions so early in the process" type thing. I agreed to the party just after MC ended.
Hang in there Hopeful 30. No matter what you decide, just remember you will be okay. Hugs.
Feeling lost, My husband never said he loved the OW but if he did I would wonder as well. There is a forum for Wayward Spouses (WS) or Questions that BW can ask WS. This is in surviving infidelity blog. There was a particular post about this subject in the WS question section. A BS asked the WS, " You said you loved her but did you? As best as I remember 100 percent of the responses were NO. They responded by explaining why they said that to the OW. Most responded it was a control factor not a love factor. Most of the Waywards said they hated the OW now and can't believe they said it. This may help you if you read so many responses with same answer. NO.
I heard the same thing from my husband. He said after the initial thrill of sneaking around wore off he dreaded when he would hear from these women. It was all sporadic with no pattern. It was not as if he depended on them they were a diversion or escape. He says he never said anything to them about love or a future. His women from what he told me did not want that. The one was just in it for a fling. The other I am not sure but she saw him as a friend I guess, the one text I saw was to my long lost friend and nothing affectionate beyond that. I am not sure though he knows what he said. He does not remember what he told me on dday. Looking back he said he was scared and did not know what he thought. I caught him off guard and he decided to come clean. He had drank too much the night before and he was not planning to tell me. He said he hated the one woman but the other I think he had some respect or felt sorry for her since she was a single mom. I think at the time if I had to guess he thought it was attractive that they pursued him and did not stop but now he is disgusted by that. It is obvious to me that he was in a bad place and a messed up person when he did everything he did. The question at least for me is has he done enough work to show he has made the right changes and that he is worth remaining married to and continuing to build a life together.
My h never used the word love but his cow used it like she owned it until I hurt her feelings by telling her she was no more special than the other women in my h past. That was the last text she sent before the police showed up at her door! From the first day she sent the first text to my phone she gushed with how special their relationship was. My h has to explain how he felt about her then and all he could come up with was 'I'm fond of you' was how he spoke to her. When I ask him about how he feels about her now and he feels sorry for her due to the mental issues. He says he knew with in two months she was crazy but he kept trying to get her past crazy. Sadly she just grew progressively unstable but we hope that this past year now that she was reminded to leave us alone that she is finding her way out of the affair fog that kept her obsession with my h!
Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement!! Reading all the comments definitely made me cry - feeling that everything is pretty bleak right now. After I posted my initial blog, my husband went out with a group of friends and got so drunk and ended up in a hotel passed out for the night. I was so disappointed in him that he could continue to make poor choices that affect this entire family. I saw his phone this day also and he had re-added the OW back on his snapchat but put in the name of one of his guy friends. This seemed like the nail in the coffin so to speak. I know that 3.5 weeks out from D day is not much, but how much more is a person expected to take.
Anonymous, No more. You are not expected to take any more. He's behaving in a way that is completely disrespectful and hurtful to you and, of course, incredibly damaging to your marriage. Your absolute priority right now is to keep yourself emotionally and physically safe. And that likely means showing him the door. Whether or not you can rebuild a marriage remains to be seen (and you may not even want to), but at the very least, but he's in self-destruct mode and you don't need to be there to watch. He needs to realize that there are consequences to his choices. I sound like I'm talking about a child...but he's behaving like one. I'm so sorry, Anonymous. But please know you're surrounded by women who know exactly what you're going through and have come out the other side. Whether or not the marriage survives, YOU can, with your self-respect and dignity intact. It's hell, I know. But you are stronger than you realize.
Love it! I chant often im wounded not broken. Xoxox
ReplyDeleteI love that you said wounded not broken. That's the way I feel.
DeleteI found out my husband was having an affair 3and a half weeks ago. It was incredibly shocking as I never in a million years thought he was capable of doing this to me. When I told him I had found text messages, he denied that anything physical happened and stuck with that story until days later when i found proof that it had. I felt like a knife had stabbed me in the heart. What's worse is that he was defensive and mean towards me the entire time after I found out. In the following three weeks, I opened up communication- completely open and without walls. I had an intense need to know every detail. I begged him to tell me the entire truth multiple times. He had so many chances and continued to lie to cover up details of the affair. His defensiveness after each discovery was so hurtful. I believe that he has ended all contact with her but there are some professional boards they sit on together so some contact will be inevitable. He says he wants to work on us, but has not shown me any action where I feel he is being sensitive to my needs and at times is quite mean. I'm definitely leaning towards separation but I have a young child to consider. I am seeing a counsellor this week and I think my focus will be my own healing so I can make an informed choice and at the very least, not hate him. I don't even recognize my husband anymore. It's incredibly painful.
ReplyDeleteAnoymous July 20
DeleteI'm so sorry for the pain I know you are feeling! I know what you mean about not knowing that man you are married to after learning of his poor choice! Three and a half weeks is such a raw spot in the mess that this has caused! It sounds like your h is still in the fog or else just a total ass! I'm so he's treating you mean. You don't have to live like that! Even with a young child you can ask him to leave until he can treat you with respect! I'm glad you are meeting a councilor that will help you with clarity. I'm right there with you on how painful this is for me like watching the death of a loved one! My advice is go slow on long term decisions and with time and therapy perhaps your h will get his big boy pants on and be the man you deserve! Hugs!
So sorry you are here but it is a great resource and place to voice your feelings. That is great you are going to a therapist. My therapist and this website have been the most helpful resources. All I can say is you are so early on in this process. What helped me was to journal and write down questions. I used this to talk in therapy and also my husband set one time a week we would talk about his affairs and our marriage. That was what worked for us and helped me to not focus on it all the time. For me the journaling helped me focus my thoughts. I would see patterns throughout the week as to what was standing out over and over. It was a hard and painful process. I am 15 months past dday one. Dday two was 5 months after dday one with lots of trickle truth in between. And dday two hurt way worse than dday one. What I decided is that I wanted to put forth my full effort to make our marriage work.
DeleteOver time I realized I needed to take care of myself first and I was the only one I could control. It took a lot of time and lots of highs and lows. Over time I really improved. For us at least my husband held it all together for that first year. As I finally got to a good place I felt him open up. He had no contact etc but he was doing what he could to help me. Once he saw i was in a better place he started what I would say was his work. It has not been easy but so far it is worth it. I still have hard days and triggers. But I have told my husband I am thankful this came out. Because of this coming out our marriage is stronger than ever. My husband never thought this would be possible after all he did and he thanks me every day. He has made me his number one priority, our marriage and our kids. But it did take a lot of time. For me Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass was the most helpful book for me. Hang in there and be patient with yourself.
Anon: welcome to the crummiest club none of us ever wanted to be part of. Most of us here are very familiar with the complete disorientation that comes with initial discovery. And many of us have experienced defensive husbands who continue to lie until their hand is forced. They even have a name for it--trickle truth--isn't that the cutest little name you ever heard for a habit that just kicks the crap out of you? I'm sorry you find yourself here and feeling this pain. I think counseling is a great start. I'm ten months out from discovery which feels like a lifetime, but is really very little in terms of healing. I share that for two reasons: 1) I can tell you that the pain does lessen. It seems impossible, but it does, and 2) I still struggle and wonder what is right, so I would advise you to give yourself a lot of time before you make any decisions. Don't expect to have a clear head about any of this for some time.
DeleteIn the meantime, take care of you. As silly as it sounds, it's the best thing you can do for you and your child. Sending big hugs your way.
Anonymous,
DeleteThe incredible BWC warriors here have given you great advice. I'm so sorry you needed to find us...but so glad that you did.
Your intention to focus on your own healing is crucial. You cannot control your husband's response to your pain, but you can honour it yourself and work through it. His response to you -- defensiveness, coldness, refusal to hear your pain -- makes me wonder if he's still involved in the affair. The "fog" it's often called and it's when a cheating partner is still convinced that you are the enemy and the affair partner is where true love is.
I second the idea of separating until he can come totally clean about everything that happened and offer you up genuine remorse and a deep compassion for the pain he's caused you. Until then, I'm afraid you're fighting a losing battle.
Hang in there, Anonymous. You will get through this. Focus on your wonderful child and remind yourself often of your own value -- you were a loyal partner, worthy of respect and honesty and kindness.
I guess my username is evidence that I have one of those blessed hearts! 17 months out I am still here, bending! Bending to ease the pain from triggers! Bending to not let the hate overtake the joy in my life! Bending to to get better, not bitter! Bending to focus on the future! Bending to not let the past harden my heart! Bending to find the silver lining in this shit storm! Bending to extend grace and forgiveness when hate wants to take over! Bending to rebuild a marriage the my WH tried to destroy with his selfishness!! Bending to find my inner strength, daily! Bending to let go of the things I cannot change! Bending to find the courage to change what I can! Bending to make bad days better! Bending to not let this unfair situation define me or my marriage!
ReplyDeleteIt's my prayer for all of you ladies here to find the strength to bend, as we are too strong to be broken!
BNB,
DeleteJust let yourself take a break now and again. All that bending is gonna hurt. Sometimes you just need to stand strong in your own feelings -- experience them, honour them and trust that you'll find your way through the worst of it.
Time a 4 letter word some days! Bern there defensive... trickle truth ... covering ... mean ... either hes in the fog still or cant bear to face the shame to own up to his wrong doings and be accountable... thats his shit and it took my H months!!! To come clean i obsessed... asked and checked things like it was my full time job. U need details to make sense of course but i will also gently say be weary that u want to know what u are asking ... u cant know things. For me truth that hurt like a bitch was way better than wondering or not as bad as the conclusion i made up myself 3.5 weeks in to raw to decide anything so dont sit idle till it becomes clearler it will but not as quick as we like! His shit true but he needs to own it ... be all in if you arw going to work thru the shitfest. Take care of you... ask away or sit quiet and watch for action. Work on boundries and voices ... uncomfortable i know. Come here so you dont feel so lonely! Wish i wasnt here either but so glad i found these warrior ladies ... god sent truly. Best to you
ReplyDeleteCant unknow things is what i meant ... some will burn fire in your heart and others hurt but bring clarity and less obsession thoughts ... id rather be slapped w the truth then kissed with a lie but thats me and 14mo out better but till on that recovery road to healing ... arent we all.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I am so very sorry that you are going through this. The pain can be unspeakable. I congratulate you on the clarity of vision that lets you take care of yourself. Take as much time as you need to figure out the next right step for you. You've found a great bunch of women here who will stand beside you and see your pain and applaud your growth. Much love. Keep breathing.
ReplyDeleteThis is so true. I never felt like I was a strong person until now. But I look back and what I did to hold our marriage together and raise our kids with so little support. It really was hard to see during but looking back wow. My husband acknowledges this often and it is hard for him. He says he can see the bond I have with our kids and he does not have that. A lot has to do with how detached he was for 10 years. Also he seems to have so much respect for me and how i have handled all this. It is hard to find the good in betrayal but I do see myself in a new light which is really powerful.
ReplyDeleteAnon 5:22am, I'm 31 months on a healing road. I'm no expert but this site is to share our thoughts and experiences. My husband said he was defensive due to trying to justify his choices. It took him a year to say anything negative about her. At the beginning he justified it by saying "she was like crack, fun, attractive, sex was wild, she took his advice, she made him feel important. His story changed in over a years time to "she whined all the time, I got tired of her drama, the sex could have been telephone sex, it was offered, you don't know how many times I refused, I was bored, I lied and to her when I didn't want to come over, her house was dirty and she used me. I'm sure all of it is partially true. Cheaters lie and continue to lie even after being caught. From what I read the majority of cheaters lie, minimize or omit affair information that I craved. The major indicators for a second chance for me was regret and remorse. You need to decide what entitles him to a second chance. Ask him why he is being mean, ask him why he is defensive. What do have to lose? Do not let him blow you off. When you hear the truth from him be prepared to be hurt big time. But it is his perspective which may not be real. My husband lied to himself about our marriage to make him feel entitled to have an affair. His affair lasted 2.5 years. Take your time don't make any decisions until you have the story which you understand. Your emotions are on a roller coaster and may lead to the wrong decision for you if you stay or go. Make your decision for you. He lost his chance. It took me 22 months to decide to stay. This was the right decision for me. He changed then I stayed around to see if it was real. I challenged his integrity constantly. Elle and other helped so much, I'm forever grateful. Take care of you. I feel your anguish and pain. You will find strength, a solid inner core to yourself that got lost or you never realized you had. I kept sharing on this site, the raw truth about how I was feeling. Some of it was x-rated and violent. I was never turned away, made feel to feel unimportant and was never left. You will get through this. Data has your back verify that he is not seeing her. Do you have pass words and is he transparent with emails, phone texts, do you know where he is at all times? Ask him what does work on us mean to him?
ReplyDeleteBlessed are the hearts that can bend. This got me thinking about what works for me and what didn't. What worked.... Asking questions incessantly, walking my dog, getting angry when I damn well felt like it, posting on BWC, canning vegetables, throwing things, I bought an battery electric girlie chain saw and spend hours in the winter cold cutting vines that were strangling the life out of the trees on the farm, said no a lot to my husband and family, spent money on myself, journaling, listening to meditation at night, not taking out the trash. Anything to do with cold and hunger, that pain felt better than the betrayal pain. Still does at times. Asking him to open my car door, buy flowers or perfume, give me bear hugs until I said to let go, take me out to dinner, him going to therapy, reading betrayal books, buckle the outside of my shoe, zipping my dress and fixing dinner so we could dine on the patio, outside or asking for a surprise date night. Thank goodness for therapy. Confronting the psych kindergarten teacher.
ReplyDeleteWhat I couldn't get the hang of was was the rubber band on the wrist, putting up a picture of a baboon called it the OW, mindfulness, trying to think about something else, being by myself, holding my anger inside, going to the places they went to, imaging the affair like fish hook I didn't let myself off, none of the mind games worked. I'm a task oriented and action person so anything I could "do" helped me.
What got my heart out of its stiff contraction of contortion is my H who was an asshole who turned into someone I didn't know could be so kind and caring. Learning so much about myself, good and not so good. So far so good but I still keep one eye on the door, a door which stays open a crack and a small light is still on incase I need to escape. I'm never going to give away that choice. My heart is still bending. I just feel like posting today but I don't mean to take up all the space.
Llp post away.. I love reading what you write and learning from your experience... Some great ideas of self care... Thank you xxx
DeleteWow LLP. That was one awesome recovery poem. I think I've read it 20 times. So powerful. Thanks for that.
DeleteAnon, great advice from all the ladies, Llp has hit the nail on the head, your h is being mean because he's been caught out, his fantasy is over, his secret meetings, dirty sex are all out in the clear light of day.. Not so exciting now, he's gonna likely see the affair for what it was ( dirty sex) and nothing more. It's gonna take some time for him to get his head out of his ass, if he ever does.. he has no right to be mean to you like Llp said pick him up on that make him accountable for his behaviour, if he continues to treat you unkind., then you decide whether he needs to leave. Believe in yourself you have control now, not him, he lost any kind of choice when he went outside the marriage...
ReplyDeleteLike all the ladies have said time is everything in these situations 3 weeks will turn into 3 months almost instantly and you may feel that nothing much has changed, that's absolutely fine it can take months before you see any changes in yourself let alone your h.. So try not to make any decisions right now other than asking him to leave if he continues to make this any harder than it already is.. Do what's right for you, I know you have a young child so decide whether or not some space would give you some breathing space to concentrate on you and your baby.. For me seeing my h after d day2 felt unbearable especially because he was also being mean he still is to some degree but he's living elsewhere so it doesn't effect me as much as it would if we were under the same roof.. We are 3 months from d day 2. Anon things will get better believe us we know how you are feeling... We got your back girl.. Let us know how you are ... Big big hugs xxx
As I am reading everyone's comments and messages of support to the newest member of this club we never expected or wanted to join, I am overwhelmed by the love, acceptance and support pouring out, the willingness to be present and witness another's grief and the amazingness of you all. In the midst of what is a shitshow, you all are truly a gift. We are a gift to each other in dark and shadow and even light. Thank you all. Much love, SS
ReplyDeleteI too am so often heartened by the compassion and kindness on this site. You BWC warriors never fail to amaze me with your ability to reach out to someone else, even when you're often in the midst of the worse pain of your life. Thank-you to everyone here who makes this space a safe and welcoming one for those who limp in with their bleeding and battered heart.
DeleteAnon, I'm sorry you have to be here, but this is a great place considering. Listen to the ladies here. Do not make major decisions at 3 weeks out. And don't let him be mean to you. You don't deserve to be treated like that!!
DeleteI, too, am overwhelmed by the ladies here. You all are amazing. This is a great place to get great advice because NONE of us wanted to ever be in this situation, but sadly we are.
I'm exactly 7 months out from dday. I've learned some things these past months. Some I like, some I don't, but have to deal with them any way. I hate that healing from this heartbreak is so lonely. That I feel like I have no joy or happiness (when will it return???). That my heart and my head often clash. That I have a hard time with what is real and what my head tells me. That I feel like I'm working to heal but that my husband has moved on so quickly saying that the possibility of him being with another woman is the furthest thing from his mind, that it sickens him, that it makes him sad when I bring her up, and says I'm his only love (yet he said in texts he loved the OW). And I'm sure he forgets that the MC said I would need time. That I feel like I reach out to him more than he reaches out to me. That I question, question, question EVERYTHING and then feel guilty for it. That I want him to make me feel special and set up dates, etc. (like he did with the OW) yet knowing it's not going to happen. Well, after re-reading what I've written, I'm not seeing anything positive except for the fact that some days I feel stronger than ever before. Yet on days like today, I wonder how I'll make it through the day.
My husband says he's committed to our marriage and me but in some ways it doesn't feel much different than before -- yet. I think he has a lot of work to do but isn't doing it.
Damn it! This sucks!!!
Thanks for being here and letting me vent. I'm going to take some of the tips from others to get through this.
Feeling lost
DeleteYou echo so many of the things I crave from my h! Our situation is a bit different however as my h was busy dating her through the week and me on the weekends. I guess that was how it was easy for him to keep it from my knowledge during the actual affair but once he ended the affair two and a half years ago, and dday October 2014, I expected him to treat me like I was the most important thing in his life, and he tried but it was not enough in the beginning! I'm not embarrassed to say how needy his betrayal caused me to be! I felt like I needed to hear his voice multiple times a day especially when he was traveling for work in a different state. I expected him to romance me when he came back from those trips and I suppose he tried but for the first year or so not much he did was enough for me! I'd pretty much begun to show signs of PTSD and once I realized that, I began to listen to the advice given to me in therapy all those years and slowly my world settled back to a new normal. I still have the need to hear from him during the work day but if he's busy and he forgets to send me a text message or call, I no longer have the same anxiety I had before. You are so right how this sucks! I'm still a work in progress but one day at a time I'm getting through! This blog and the advice here along with the ability to vent without judgement has helped me tremendously! Hugs!
Feeling lost,
DeleteFor me days have felt a lot like the old days. We have been really busy. Normalcy has seemed to return. More of a daily grind. When things get tense or snappy I call my husband on immediately. He owns up to it quickly. But it is happening more. He seems more content that ever and so happy that we have each other. Very attentive etc. Yet I find myself thinking more and more is this it. I am not one to think is the grass greener. I know nothing in life is easy or perfect. But I do wonder are we best for each other. Or are we hanging on because of comfort, familiarity, kids, history etc... Does anyone else ever think about this. I am not golfifying separation or divorce but I feel like I am being inundated with stories of people who divorced and end up finding this person who is such a treasure and more than they could dream of. And these people talk about how hard it was to get to that place. But I don't know is reconciliation best? I know there is no universal answer. But I find myself struggling with the lies and deception that went on for so long. How can someone ever regain trust. I mean can I ever fully trust my husband again? I think he is hoping for total trust over time. I am just not sure I can give that after what he did. Right when I think we have moved past it I sink back into it. Ugh.
Hopeful 30,
DeleteI have been having those very thoughts myself. It is awful! My IC has been helping me but I've not been seeing the IC very long. One thing we've discussed is the type of love there is between me and my husband. Is it need love (only there to fulfill basic needs) or being love (based on love and the person). It is so hard to figure all this stuff out. Healing is HARD and I hate that I feel like I have to do it. And I couldn't agree more about the lies and deception and ever trusting again. One thing is to learn to trust ourselves. I'm reading a book called Intimacy after Infidelity (suggested by my IC) and reading it brings up both bad and good things in my mind.
I feel just like you do - just when I think we've moved past something, something else comes up and I sink back down. It is a vicious roller coaster ride that I didn't ever think I'd be on, yet I am so I have to ride it out so to speak.
I'm desperately hoping that our marriage only gets stronger because of this. Next week is our 37th wedding anniversary and it is going to be so damn hard for me. My husband wanted to have a party (everyone asks why 37, why not 40). A vow renewal with close friends and family -- all at my husbands request. I hope I can hold it together. He's been telling me how happy he is now, how stupid it was, how he'll never do it again, etc., etc., you know the lines. I just hope this is all sincere on his part. This is one of those things that goes back to "don't make decisions so early in the process" type thing. I agreed to the party just after MC ended.
Hang in there Hopeful 30. No matter what you decide, just remember you will be okay. Hugs.
Feeling lost, My husband never said he loved the OW but if he did I would wonder as well. There is a forum for Wayward Spouses (WS) or Questions that BW can ask WS. This is in surviving infidelity blog. There was a particular post about this subject in the WS question section. A BS asked the WS, " You said you loved her but did you? As best as I remember 100 percent of the responses were NO. They responded by explaining why they said that to the OW. Most responded it was a control factor not a love factor. Most of the Waywards said they hated the OW now and can't believe they said it. This may help you if you read so many responses with same answer. NO.
ReplyDeleteLlp,
DeleteI heard the same thing from my husband. He said after the initial thrill of sneaking around wore off he dreaded when he would hear from these women. It was all sporadic with no pattern. It was not as if he depended on them they were a diversion or escape. He says he never said anything to them about love or a future. His women from what he told me did not want that. The one was just in it for a fling. The other I am not sure but she saw him as a friend I guess, the one text I saw was to my long lost friend and nothing affectionate beyond that. I am not sure though he knows what he said. He does not remember what he told me on dday. Looking back he said he was scared and did not know what he thought. I caught him off guard and he decided to come clean. He had drank too much the night before and he was not planning to tell me. He said he hated the one woman but the other I think he had some respect or felt sorry for her since she was a single mom. I think at the time if I had to guess he thought it was attractive that they pursued him and did not stop but now he is disgusted by that. It is obvious to me that he was in a bad place and a messed up person when he did everything he did. The question at least for me is has he done enough work to show he has made the right changes and that he is worth remaining married to and continuing to build a life together.
My h never used the word love but his cow used it like she owned it until I hurt her feelings by telling her she was no more special than the other women in my h past. That was the last text she sent before the police showed up at her door! From the first day she sent the first text to my phone she gushed with how special their relationship was. My h has to explain how he felt about her then and all he could come up with was 'I'm fond of you' was how he spoke to her. When I ask him about how he feels about her now and he feels sorry for her due to the mental issues. He says he knew with in two months she was crazy but he kept trying to get her past crazy. Sadly she just grew progressively unstable but we hope that this past year now that she was reminded to leave us alone that she is finding her way out of the affair fog that kept her obsession with my h!
DeleteThank you everyone for your words of encouragement!! Reading all the comments definitely made me cry - feeling that everything is pretty bleak right now. After I posted my initial blog, my husband went out with a group of friends and got so drunk and ended up in a hotel passed out for the night. I was so disappointed in him that he could continue to make poor choices that affect this entire family. I saw his phone this day also and he had re-added the OW back on his snapchat but put in the name of one of his guy friends. This seemed like the nail in the coffin so to speak. I know that 3.5 weeks out from D day is not much, but how much more is a person expected to take.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteNo more. You are not expected to take any more. He's behaving in a way that is completely disrespectful and hurtful to you and, of course, incredibly damaging to your marriage. Your absolute priority right now is to keep yourself emotionally and physically safe. And that likely means showing him the door. Whether or not you can rebuild a marriage remains to be seen (and you may not even want to), but at the very least, but he's in self-destruct mode and you don't need to be there to watch. He needs to realize that there are consequences to his choices. I sound like I'm talking about a child...but he's behaving like one.
I'm so sorry, Anonymous. But please know you're surrounded by women who know exactly what you're going through and have come out the other side. Whether or not the marriage survives, YOU can, with your self-respect and dignity intact. It's hell, I know. But you are stronger than you realize.