My kids go back to school tomorrow – I'm trying not to cheer too loud in case they can hear – and I promise I will be more present on this site. Thank you to so many of you incredible betrayed warriors who've stepped up and offered comfort and compassion and wisdom to each other, even as you still struggle through your own pain. Every single day I am grateful for this community of women (and the occasional man) who show me what real strength looks like: Just showing up for each other.
Love this thought!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Elle, for keeping this space for us! So grateful for all my warrior sisters here! Thank you for showing me every day how women can support one another despite what they are experiencing personally.
Hugs!
It's back to school for me too. It's my one safe place without triggers. We went to a family bbq sun and everything was fine at first. I got glutened which is a whole different issue. I have celiacs.
ReplyDeleteAnyway we met a few new people. We get home and hubby says did you catch what J's wife name is? I said no. It turns out it was affair partner number ones name which is a very uncommon one. I tried to play it off but it completely triggered me. I've been so strong and communicating my needs well.
How does a name ruin months of forward progress? Between that and my daughter turning 1 I'm a hot mess over here. Should I mention that it was a trigger? This person anywhere so I can't go screaming and running away when someone calls her.
Nw
I have the same thing happen. It is so dumb but my daughter got a new stuffed animal and wanted to name it one of the ow names. And it is a very uncommon name. I said to her she had to choose a different name. She asked why several times and I just told her she needed to choose a new name. Luckily she dropped it. But I totally understand where you are coming from. If I see either of their names I have a physical reaction. I hope with time this will lessen but it sucks really.
DeleteNw
DeleteYes I understand how a name can trigger you back to that scary place but it doesn't have to mean that it's ruined all progress. Progress is slow for lots of us here and I can only speak for myself with regard to the triggers. In the beginning I would try to hide my feelings when I triggered but my h could always tell when something was wrong. Now we discuss the triggers and he helps me move past it more quickly than before but I know that the triggers will still occasionally pop up with no warning and him not around but I know that if I can't get myself through one, I can call him or send a text that I need to hear his voice and that's what it takes for me sometimes. I wish I could tell you a magic trick to make them easier but all I can say is it just takes time! Hugs! By the way my h cow is one of the most common names and I've had many times triggering from it being in a song or a tv commercial! Hugs! I know how hard this is!
The ow has uncommon name here too that seems to pop up more than ever .. waitress, customer's name, and so on ... is it as uncommon as i think or is it infact just more in my face now. It used to send me in a hot sweat now its a look at my husband sigh r u fucking kidding me or an eye roll. Theres a show w her name i used to not be able to watch it but now i can. Id mention it the fact ur husband did to you is hopful that you guys are communicating hopfully he asked vs sinking in his chair like oh no ... turning 1 and a hot mess would be hand in hand even without betrayal in the mix ... be gentle with yourself.
DeleteI'm so sorry. Yes, there is so much power in a name, and the fact that my husband had casual sex with someone who share's my name makes me crazy if I let it. And I did let it for some time. Look at it this way, if it helps - every time you deal with a trigger, you disarm it. It will cease to hurt you. Maybe not as quickly as we'd like, but it will happen.
DeleteNW that's just RUDE of your husband to even bring that up. What in the world? It would trigger me too. In my H's last round of screwing around we had a client with the same name as his "go to ho" Lets just say Jenny---I cannot believe how many times I would say "oh JEnny called" and he would say "WHO?" It's only looking back that I can see it--the slight panic. Also one of my best friends got a new dog and unbeknownst to any of us the dogs name is that same as the "ho" who set him off on his 18 months of insanity. a very unusual name. I bet it triggers HIM now that he's coming to his senses. I would mention to your husband that YOU can be the one who brings up the subject for a while if that's how you feel. He doesnt need to point on the damn specifics. How utterly rude. no reason for him to blindside you like that.
DeleteBreathe. You'll get past it. In my case, the OW has a very common name, and it still bugs me. It's my stepsister's name. It's the name of the character my daughter played in last year's Christmas pageant - that was fun. It's the name of a woman in my divorce recovery group. I get triggered by the name of her town, where he used to see her, and name of the famous race track where they worked together. Mostly these days I react mildly, but still, the constant reminders suck.
DeleteThis too shall pass. This will get easier. The poison will eventually work its way out of our system, and these selfish, deceitful women will lose the significance they never should have had in the first place.
Yes, I promise you all that it will pass. And I have a different take on your husband pointing it out to you. I think that's actually a good thing. That he's not dodging and weaving. That he's willing to talk about it. I think,perhaps, the missing piece is his recognition that it would blindside you -- that it's great he's willing to bring this stuff up and be on "your side" but that he needs to realize just how devastating these triggers are and be prepared to support you, along the lines of "can you believe that XX's wife has the same F$#@&ng name? I am so sorry you had to be reminded of the fact that your husband is an idiot who doesn't deserve you."
DeleteIn the meantime, it can help to almost saturate yourself with triggers that you can't avoid -- like a certain song, or a location or a name. Listen to it, write it down over and over, drive past the location until it begins to become background noise. It will lose some of its power.
Elle
ReplyDeleteI don't think I ever hid my joy of the first day of school other than kindergarten and I cried like a baby when that day came! Thing is I was a lucky mother as my kids were always just as happy when school started back after a long fun summer! I'm feeling so blessed to have adult children that are enjoying their work career because they are just as passionate about the choice for work as both their parents are! Now I get to set back and enjoy the grandkids just like my wonderful grandparents did with me! Still marching forward one day at a time!
Your life sounds rather heavenly, Theresa. Bet you never thought you'd hear that, huh?
DeleteElle
DeleteThere are many parts of my life that are heavenly but just as many parts that still hurt like hell! My h is still being stalked by the ow even though the restraining order is in place and when we're reminded of this it triggers both of us and simply ruins a perfect evening. She rides by our house about once a month and looks him up on linked in just to see his face. Two years later she still thinks that he wants her instead of our marriage. We're trying not to let it get to us but it sure messed up our yesterday! Thanks for your encouragement! I'm walking slowly this morning and I'm hopeful that we're going to be able to talk about this without the drama of the affair.
The first day of school is always bittersweet for me. I love having my kids at home but I love seeing them work through life and school. I miss them all day long when they are gone. But the reward is them coming home and talking my ear off. I love that time of day so much. It has been an issue with our recovery as I basically had to give up my career to live where we do for my husband. The trade off is I am the primary caregiver with no nanny or babysitter. My husband says I am lucky since I have such a strong connection with our kids. And it is true our connection is like no other, but it is still hard. Anytime you give us something for yourself when you think you are part of a team but you find out the other person is just selfish and self centered is hard.
ReplyDeleteElle I look forward to your posts and comments!
Hopeful30,
DeleteI'm like you. I'm aware that I've had something of a privilege of working part-time from home and being able to spend a lot of time with my kids as they've grown up. But that doesn't mean I'm not also aware that I've paid a price in terms of where I am in my career. There is no perfect choice necessarily.
Love this! Thank you for sharing. This being said, a bit off topic from back to school, my 16 year wedding anniversary is the 30th of this month. I found out about DDay May 8th. It has only been a couple of months. I feel like our wedding anniversary is nothing to celebrate now. We are doing well in our relationship since DDay, but any advice or ideas on how to do this anniversary since it is the 1st one since Dday would be appreciated. I feel like we should ignore it forever, or he should make a renewed vow grand gesture. Then I think, what would new vows mean when they already were so easily broken. The wind has changed. Now how to adjust the sail for this life event......
ReplyDeleteI hear you on this anniversary stuff. Our 20th anniversary was 5 months after dday 1. It was a hard 5 months for me as my husband had made some major changes but i knew things did not add up. My husband planned a trip for our anniversary so we could get away. I looked at it as time we needed together. Really we needed time without work, kids, parents, life. It was a great opportunity for us. Until he dumped some major information he had been holding back. So basically our anniversary trip turned into dday 2. It was really bad mostly since I had questioned him for those 5 months and he kept telling me it was just in my head. But he confirmed that I knew things did not add up. It was worse than dday 1 for sure. Just the weekend before we had attended a wedding and had an amazing weekend and some in depth talks. So it felt like even deeper betrayal. It was the most painful time for me. On our actual anniversary my husband was very thoughtful. I did not want gifts, vow renewal or anything. He gave me a card with a poem he wrote and we went out to dinner together. I was honestly still in a fragile state.
DeleteThis year now 17 months past dday our anniversary was totally different. But we have gone through and worked through a lot. I still struggle and we are working through things. For me and us I feel like a pivotal point was the one year anniversary of dday 1. This was really when i was able to reflect on where we had been and the changes he had made and that our marriage had undergone all for the better. It became a time where I saw my husband turn from worrying about me and really looking at himself more.
As far as vow renewal, rings and all of that I think it is such a personal decision. As of now I feel like none of that means anything. The only thing that matters is my husband's actions, words and follow through. He knows my boundaries and expectations. We might get to the point of renewing our vows but I am not sure about that.
One tip is if you feel you want to go out to dinner, a night away, a gift, a card let him know what you expect. I think at least for my husband it is hard for him to know what I want or expect or hope for.
Thank you for sharing. It helps tremendously.
DeleteWe are doing very, very well in our recovery 18 months out, but this is the one area that bothers me daily. I don't wear a wedding ring. I shredded our wedding photos. I don't feel about my marriage the way I used to, and it makes me sad that I can't get interested in some kind of recommitment ceremony. Romance is dead. Sex is great, but ironically, there's no real connection for me. I mourn for my happily ever after.
DeleteI think anniversaries and how we handle them is something we each need to think through for ourselves. I still have a hard time with them and we've mostly settled on celebrating them just enough so that our kids recognize that it's something to acknowledge. We will cook a nice meal or go out for dinner but that's about it. This year was our 20th. We had a rough summer (more on that to come) and I really didn't want to celebrate much at all beyond the usual. My husband had different ideas and was quite hurt by my metaphoric shrug about 20 years. I will post a blog about the work we've been doing lately but ultimately I don't think it's a right or wrong. Take the time to consider what you need and then create the conditions for it. The marriage vow has been broken so it's important to evaluate what that means for you two as a couple.
DeleteDandelion posted a loping to an article which helped me tremendously. She posted in the Aug 24th section. It helped me adjust my sails on how could he do this? The military has to justify to the troops it is ok to kill another person. The soldier knows it is wrong but when it is justified in their mind it is ok. So it was easy for my husband to justify the affair. He was trained that way. He justified his actions to distort in his mind that having a relationship out of his marriage was ok. "I deserve to be appreciated." Then I noticed how much he justifies in other areas of our life. He justifies vacations, spending money. Me, I couldn't justify an affair in my mind. It wasn't that he loved me less than I love him. It is just he can justify easier than I.
ReplyDeleteSecond is morals. We are both selfish in general. Selfish is normal. To dump your moral code is choosing to be selfish over what is right. He caved in to be selfish after he justified in his mind that the relationship with the OW was ok.
I notice he cleans up his language about his relationship outside our marriage. He had to clean it up when thinking about it in his mind. "It was just sex" instead of "I went to bed with a woman sucked her tits, rubbed her pussy, kissed her with passion. We were naked in bed enjoying each other bodies until we both came." OR "She meant nothing." Rather than I used a woman for my sexual pleasure and I didn't care who got hurt.". OR "I never thought you would find out." Rather than "I lied to you for over 2 years so you wouldn't find out". OR "I felt sorry for her she had Parkinson's." Rather than "She has Parkinson's but I never saw her use a walker and she worked everyday during our relationship." I saw her and she doesn't even park in the handicapped space.
He says he put the relationship in two compartments. The secrecy didn't make it visual to the him. Which again fools himself into saying my actions are ok. If The OW and I were standing together and he was looking at us both, then he might feel differently. If we all went out to dinner or we ran into her at the grocery store together. The secrecy allowed him to keep us separate. That is why H go to great lengths so the OW and wife don't run into each other.
He says he's thought I would divorce him without a thought. So during the relationship he didn't see me as his wife. It was easier for him not thinking of me as a wife, person or mother of his children. That way no matter how much I tried to get his attention in desperate ways, embarrassing ways, really it didn't matter. He didn't see me as his wife, a lifetime partner or a person who he was hurting. Again just like military makes the enemy less human or bad so they can injure the enemy.
Regardless we both are responsible for our sucky marriage. He didn't see me as his partner in life and acted like it outside of our marriage with no regard to outcome of his actions. He finally saw me as his partner in life and I hope acts according to his morals. It is still his choice and there isn't a damn thing I can do if he sees me as the enemy.
LLP, I've noticed the same thing about my H's use of language. Lots of euphemisms, when he even talks about it at all. (more in the early days when they went no contact and he was trying to get his head on straight, less so as the contact resumed and he distanced himself again - dumbass) When he references the problems in our marriage heretofore he talks about "leakage" which I can only assume is a veiled reference to his use of porn and massage parlors to bleed off energy and intimacy from our relationship, rather than dealing with it or risk being vulnerable. And. I believe he is still very much clinging to the idea that his thing with the OW was something "special" otherwise how justify hurting the people you profess to love? How else justify using another person to fill up the holes inside you? The only thing special about her was that he didn't have to pay her in cash. Ouch. I just said that. I still get angry. Mostly because we are in this limbo, this grace period I've agreed to so he can try and sort his shit out. I've admitted and accepted my part in what was wrong with our marriage and even worked on the things he complained to me about, in the immediate days following dday. But what I've come to realize is that he saddled me with all the responsibility for the sexual dysfunction between us. Now I recognize that as codependent bullshit. No wonder I couldn't fix it. Nothing I did stopped his "leakage" and so I never felt safe or cherished. And without those things it is awfully hard to be open to sexy fun times without feeling like a disposable (or interchangeable) object. And honestly, I was never OK with being an object, even when I did put up with it. If he wants to come home, this will have to change for sure. I have boundaries now and criteria for my own safety which includes no more porn, which includes me being allowed to say no or not right now without it becoming me being selfish or frigid etc etc. And hey guess what, through therapy I've learned that there is nothing wrong with my sex drive. And that my reaction to his sex addiction is smack in the middle of normal. Wow. So that was an unexpected side road. Just been on my mind I guess. To circle back to LLP, cleaned up language is another form of compartmentalization. It sections it off into a cleaner space. Eventually, if/when we reconcile, we are going to have to talk for reals about it. Good thing is I beleive we have an MC with the chops to handle it. She's both marriage/relationships and certified sex therapist. Actually kind of looking forward to the homework, when we get there. ;)
DeleteAbsolutely. It's like sterilizing what they did so that it feels somehow apart from them, or like a procedure and not a choice. A big part of taking responsibility for the pain created by the betrayal is really using honest language. Our words are tremendously powerful in how they shape our reality.
DeleteLLP ... amazing truly amazing post. To you too Elle this one i might have to hang on my fridge ... show up and adjust my sails! Yes!!! Yesss yesss
ReplyDeleteIn response to the OW name thing. The OW's name is "Cindy" only spelled differently. I wasn't aware that EVERYONE and their mother is named Cindy. Following DDay, per my request, my husband's massage therapist (Cindy) was referred to as C-I-N-D-Y - we spelled out her name rather than saying it. I am now able to say her name in conversation - it took some time. Funny story - at least now that I look back at it - one day I had a new client, in the town where the OW lived - a town I never had reason to go to. I was not looking forward to going there, yet I had to for this new client. So, keeping myself together, I go. On the way there I swear I am surrounded by Jeeps (her type of car - and you guessed it) and when I finally get to the client - ah, safe now, right? I meet the client's daughter in law. Her name? You guessed it ... "Nice to meet you Cindy."
ReplyDeleteAhhhhhhh !!!!!! I truly can laugh about it now. In time you simply become desensitized to the triggers. It is the same way we get over phobias - continual exposure desensitizes you to an irrationally perceived threat. It takes time and you will conquer your triggers. You will.
SS this might feel like a long way around to get to my thoughts--- but on social media there was this stupid campaign about making baggy pants illegal. That led to a "conversation" about why "these people" get shot, because of how they dress. (good lord--the lengths people will go to justify something unjustifiable) One guy chimed in with the perfect question "then why were 9 people killed in south carolina AT church, probably in their sunday best?"
ReplyDeleteA very right on post--which brings me to this, which we all do and you said it
"I've admitted and accepted my part in what was wrong with our marriage and even worked on the things he complained to me about, in the immediate days following dday. But what I've come to realize is that he saddled me with all the responsibility for the sexual dysfunction between us. Now I recognize that as codependent bullshit. No wonder I couldn't fix it. Nothing I did stopped his "leakage"
and that brings me to this, which we all know. and if we dont, should learn it quick, no matter what we did, what we lacked, we sure as hell did not force them into doing what they did. they have a different as hell mindset than we do. You could have been, we all could have been in our sunday best, and at our sunday best every day of the week, and it would not have stopped them from doing what they did. We are enough, and although we can change and grow and become some of the strongest people we know--and it does not guarantee they will be faithful, but it sure helps us know OURSELVES and our strenghts so much better. Hugs.
Steam, you are so right. Very early post dday, I was fully into the pick me dance. Making sure I wore makeup and was dressed nicely when he came home from work. Doing even more aroudn the house, cooking fabulous dinners, leaving notes of support and love, trying to initiate sex (even though he rejected them), getting my hair and toes done regularly, botox, laser hair removal, exercise and weight loss. honest to God, you name it, I tried it. Luckily, I found this blog and some good books that helped me realize that his cheating was ultimately not about me. That people in bad marriages can be faithful and people in great ones and where the sex is plentiful can cheat. So really in the end about what was broken and what he broke in myself. Luckily, some of the stuff I was doing during the pick me phase was also good for me. So the ones I liked, I kept but for my own sake. (Not having to shave my armpits or bikini line anymore is kind of freaking awesome). The healthy weight and exercise, especially strength training has been a life saver. And though I circle around it from time to time, I try really hard not to make myself responsible for his crappy coping mechanisms. And it is a super soft, soft spot for me. I've always felt I was responsible for other people's feelings and whether or not they are OK. Giving that back, letting it go, not picking it up in the first place is something I work on, on the daily. All I know is that when the shit hit the fan, and everything I thought I knew about myself, my life and what I thought kept me safe was striped away, I was faced with a choice. I could collapse into a heap, give up and do more harm to myself in the process or I could become a person I was proud of, I could be the hero of my own story. And I do feel that way now. I'm forgiving of myself, kind and compassionate to me, no matter what kind of day I am having and recognize that I have tremendous value, an enormous capacity for love and am one amazing, powerful human being. That I deserve and have good things in my life.
DeleteAn even now, I struggle with the separation and his ongoing ambivalence (sometimes, not all the time) because now I know how awesome I am, the little girl in me doesn't understand why choosing me is such a difficult thing. But here's the reality check. This has always been my narrative. My mother chose alcohol over me. I never felt like my dad chose me (emotionally absent). And for most of my adult/romantic relationships felt like I was always waiting for the people I loved to love me enough. In learning to love and accept myself, I've come to realize that no one can love me "enough" until I do. (And if all the OW figured this out, there would be no OW). I tell myself daily that today I am OK, today I am safe, today I am exactly where I need to be. As long as I am still growing, I can be sure I am on the right path.
Correction to typos above ; that it was about what was broken and what he broke in HIMself (not myself). Big difference.
DeleteWow SS, I think you and I are living parallel lives. I too grew up with a alcoholic mother, an emotionally childlike father and spent a lifetime trying to be perfect so that nobody would abandon me (which, surprise!!, never quite worked). But as we so often say on this site, while betrayal sucks big time and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, it often reveals the holes in us too. Holes that we weren't filling with affairs but were often filling with perfectionism, over-functioning, food, exercise, etc. etc. And so we can use this healing from betrayal to heal all those old wounds too. You're doing exactly that. It's a long process, of course. But when we even get closer to it, we experience that same glee you have. We're just fine!! We're awesome, in fact. Our husbands cheated because they had their own holes to fill (this metaphor is getting pretty brutal, I know!! A bit too...literal...perhaps???).
DeleteYou are so right. Love your post.
ReplyDeleteSS, write on my friend. An inspiration to all. Beach Girl
ReplyDeleteI have been standing in the storm all week as this is the second year since my sister went to heaven. I'm adjusting my sails and I'm still standing. The sadness doesn't over take me as it did that first month but I have come a long way from that point! Not only did I have to grieve that loss but I had to grieve the loss of my marriage a few weeks after her funeral. I did the motions of life that first year and looking back I can't believe how both of those losses have made me stronger and more capable of taking care of me. This feels like the most selfish thing I could say about myself but the truth sets us free. I'm sitting here hopeful for the friends I have met here to join me in celebration of taking back my life and my happiness by finally just taking time for me!
ReplyDeleteTheresa,
DeleteMy mom passed away three weeks after D-Day #2 so my grief about my loss of her is tangled up in my grief around realizing my husband was a stranger in many ways and always had been.
But what I've found as I've worked through the pain of betrayal is that the grief around my mom has become...purer. And it feels less about pain and more about gratitude. It's not the least bit selfish to realize that surviving your sister's loss has made you stronger. I suspect she would be glad to have played in a role in that. It doesn't change that you miss her. It just means you've accepted that loss and can value the time you had.
Still Standing, that post is fabulous! And uplifting! Thank you.
ReplyDeleteElle,
ReplyDeleteThose are valid points. I'm in the process of becoming a teacher so I go to school full time. The girl with the same name as ow1 is my class so I will hear it twice a week for the next four months.
I don't think my husband even realized how it made me feel until he saw the look on my face. I honestly don't think he thinks before he says most things. Right now I'm at the point where I'm preparing myself to be financially independent and take the necessary steps to divorce.
Nothing is the same. He cheated the entire time we were married which will be 3 years in a few weeks except for a total of 10 months. It's not the same and I don't feel the same. It's like nothing has happened in his mind. He's been more supportive and has been completely transparent but it's strange. I feel as if how could you cheat twice and didn't think how it affected your children?
I feel like I'm mourning a relationship because the marriage doesn't exist to me.. The vows were never honored. He literally waited 8 and a half years in the relationship to cheat and rinse and repeat after I gave birth to the youngest.
NW
NW,
DeleteYou are mourning a relationship. You're mourning what you thought you had. You're mourning a future that won't happen in the way you thought it would. You're mourning the family you were creating. It's important to mourn. To acknowledge the grief and wade through it.
I hope, for your children's sake at least, that he gets help for himself. And whether you choose ultimately to stay or go, I hope you'll urge him to seek help in order to be the best father he can be to them, if not husband to you.