My friend Jamie found rebirth in the water. As her marriage fell apart in the wake of her husband's affair, she swam. And in the pool, with rhythmic strokes, she found herself again, along with the strength to walk away.
Scabs, who hosts the Love Rice podcasts, found it playing with her dogs. Tossing a ball, watching them leap and run, tails wagging, tongues hanging, she tapped into a dormant joy that gave her the strength to keep fighting for herself.
Others of you have written of running, of yoga, of shooting hoops, of writing and knitting. Of healing by rediscovering something that we love, that nourishes us, that reminds us that we are not what he did.
Longtime BWC sisters know that I'm a huge fan of therapy. I can't imagine how I would have walked out of the darkness without my therapist helping me navigate my way. But therapy isn't always what happens inside of office walls. And sometimes, walking away from a therapist who isn't helping us, who seems to have his or her own agenda, is the wisest choice we can make.
We know what's best for ourselves. Even when we think we don't. It's there, sometimes so deeply buried that we'll have to dig.
But it's there. And sometimes we can access it in the swimming pool. Or on the running path. Or with the click, click, click of knitting needles as background music.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
This site has been a huge therapy for me. My IC has helped immensely. Our MC didn’t work for us, as much as she was lovely…Lovely doesn’t fix things and our MC just wasn’t strong enough to deal with my husband who was constantly lying. So with the lying from him I felt this MC didn’t work so stopped, and now our separation, haven’t even bothered to think about MC. My husband has way too many issues of his own that need fixing before there’s any thought of us, if ever, going to MC again.
ReplyDeleteSo how am I to deal with all this? When the kids were little, we used to always walk in the park. And it was a walk of discovery, whether it be looking at the different shapes of the leaves, picking up different size sticks etc. My walks now a days have been more for exercise, power walking. My distraction from all this shit has always been throwing myself into my kids (which won’t change) and helping other people. But whilst this is a distraction, it hasn’t really been for me. For healing me. I’ve decided to find my something for “me”. Walking is it. And not walking for exercise, just walking for enjoyment. Where you can also breathe deeply when need to, or if my mind is being over active, put on some music or meditation music and just walk.
So, a bit like when you introduce your baby to a new vegetable, you have to allow 3 weeks for them to appreciate it. I will give myself 3 weeks, a 3 week consistency to take even just 10minutes a day to walk just for me. 10 minutes during a lunch break, longer when I can on weekends.
Sam A. I was having a giggle to myself with your skinny dipping!! You go girl. I admire your courage. I think I’ll just stick to my walk in the park……
Hugs to you all
Gabby xo
Sam went skinny-dipping? How did I miss this? Go Sam!!!
DeleteAnon, your walking sounds wonderful, and so relaxing.
Walking away from a couples therapist was my first step in connecting with my truth and stopping from relying on others more than myself. I now have a great individual therapist whose main message to me is to recognize and accept my truth, even if I might be wrong. The true healing comes from finding your voice inside. Good therapy/yoga/reading/writing/listening to my body/listening to my heart/being still/being with my kids/talking with other women/dance/inspiring podcasts and websites (this one and Dear Sugar) all remind me to heal from within.
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ReplyDeleteI can only imagine how the feelings can flood back. It happens less at 18 months but it still feels like yesterday at times. And sometimes new hurt can feel even worse. I cannot imagine watching a child deal with this. It would be very hard. I feel like affairs and divorce are happening all around me. Not sure if I notice it more or if it is our age/time in our lives right now. My husband said he feels the same. I have two girls and we are just entering the teen years. We have talked a lot about relationships with friends and boys. I try to in a way share lessons I have learned from all of this without instilling any fear in them. I know if my parents knew about this at all they would flip out. It is really hard to deal with and I feel like as time goes on it almost gets harder. I feel like I should get better right but not really. Will it ever get better, not sure. Yes our marriage has improved and my husband is the happiest he has ever been but it is hard living this way. He does not and will not ever feel this unless i were to leave him and even then it would ultimately be due to his decisions and actions.
DeleteHey Pilot's Wife. I can only imagine how this new betrayal must feel for you. Of course it brings up your own stuff from the past. Of course you are angry with your SIL for hurting your lovely girl. How dare he? How dare any of them? She deserves better. We all deserve better. And yet, her choice is her choice, her path is her path. She walks it to learn something, about herself, her strengths, her boundaries, and so much more, as you know first hand. Can you sit with her and witness her grief, be present for her and honor her choices? I think yes. Do you still rage about the harm to her, the utter selfish ridiculousness of his broken choices? Yes. At some point, if he does the work, he will figure out why he did this. He will try to make amends. Will try to be a better human. Maybe then you won't hate him forever. Your allowed to hate what he's done. Yes a thousand times yes. I know you will do right by your daughter, as you say, you will support her choice. But goddamn, its hard to watch. Its hard not to break a two by four over his face. Sending love and stamina and hope to you and your daughter.
DeleteStill Standing,
DeleteThanks for your reply! Lots of good things to think about like watching my daughter walk her path. This is her story not mine but I fell like I modeled poor choices and feel guilty that she is staying cause that's what I did. In fact she said, she might as well stay cause her dad cheated she'd probably just pick another cheater. Some truth in that I'm afraid. But she'll either make this work or she won't. The SIL is a tag along guy, not much depth into sorting outing his feelings cause he likes to do things to show. He's the ultimate actor, emotional manipulator. Life is fluid so we have to adjust and hope for the best. But I sure wish we didn't know many details!
Or learning to play the piano, which my therapist says can help mimic the effects of EMDR. Running, strength training, especially upper body, to release angst and anxiety and pain and grief. And reaching out to friends and meditating and for me my reiki with Master Bob.
ReplyDeleteI agree. The one time I am happiest or happy at all is with my kids. And not necessarily taking care of them. But spending time with them. Laying on the couch just laughing, listening to music, making food together, walking the dog. For me that was a huge shift. I was so in the mode of doing everything for them I did not enjoy our time together. But I was also doing 99% of all the care giving. Now that my husband has stepped up I am able to enjoy our time together more.
ReplyDeleteWhat I enjoy most for me is working out, cooking, yard work, walking, reading, listening to music. I really have not had the desire to pick up a new hobby. Just not give up what I want to do. I used to not work out because I had to take care of something. Where now I get my workout in at all costs. And for me it is not just the physical health but the mental benefit is what I notice most. I will say it feels good that my husband recognizes how he leaned on me too much. It created a lack of time in my life. Now there is a lot more balance and it is nice to hear him ask me what I want to do or what do I need time to do or how can he help me.
For me, quilting, painting, walking my dog, music, going to the gym, spending time with our grandsons, just basically finally the everyday living that seemed to stand still for such a long time! It feels wonderful when I have the good times!
ReplyDeleteGabby I'm glad I made you giggle : )....hugs xxx
ReplyDeleteFirst-time poster here today, I'm almost a year past D-Day, and a month past finding out my husband is a sex addict. He seems to be working a program so I'm going to give him time to tend to his roots. It's hard though.
ReplyDeleteI've had many hobbies through the years, but I found strengthening my faith to be the most therapeutic of all. I started Bible journaling/doodling and after I drop off my kids from school I sit in my car, trim my split ends an absorb the warmth of the Sun while I think and pray. This is extremely therapeutic as one of my biggest trauma symptoms have been loss of body heat and shivers. The hair trimming is part therapeutic, part addiction and part self care as my body has taken a beating these last 12 months.
Other than my therapist who opened up a world to me I didn't know existed, my dog was my therapist. He is a chocolate lab who never refused to walk me. He never refused to let me kiss and hug on him. He licked the tears off my face. He never refused to lay with me out in the yard in the cold as I howled like a wounded animal. He never refused to spoon with me at night. In the middle of the night, when I got up, he got up. Men aren't dogs, dogs are loyal. He loved me in his doggy way. I talked his ears off and he just listened, not distracted just focused on me.
ReplyDeleteTo my betrayed sisters who have kids, my heart goes out to your kids. I grew up in an affair home for 7 years of my life. It was traumatic because my parents did not control themselves or emotions in front of my sister and I. The OW had 7 kids and my mom told her, "You will get him but that is all your going to get (money). I saw the OW's husband miss hitting my dad and hit my sister. My parents reconciled. The OW called our house and when dad wouldn't leave me then the OW committed suicide the next day. There are other dramatic events between my mom and the OW and her husband and my dad, too many to tell. I offer insight from my experiences. My parents never talked about what they were going through to me or my sister. It would have helped if they would have explained calmly they just weren't getting along, This proves a stable reference point, none of us like to be blindsided or in an home where your trying to figure out as a kid what the hell is going on. It would have helped to be consistent in our "kid" schedules. When you never know what is going to happen next, I went into being fearful all the time and I learned in an unhealthy way how to protect myself. I carried this sense of constant threats into my adulthood. My parents after reconciling were never really happy. I begged my mom at 13 years old to not go back, she wouldn't be happy. Believe me she wasn't, my dad paid dearly everyday of his life for his mistake. It was painful to witness her revenge tactics everyday. She got her justice but it made us all miserable until the day she died. She allowed the pain to turn her into a monster. I ended up hating her even though my dad made the mistake. Neither one of them had the courage to do what they really wanted. My dad never missed her after she died. What a legacy to be the one wronged and end up being so bitter that your own kids just wanted to get away from her. I don't miss her at all. There were years I tried to please her but nothing would please her. She enveloped hersolf in her pain and anger and never let go of it. My sister and I talk frequently about her before the affair and after. Explain how you feel to your kids, age appropriate. They still need to feel safe. If they see you cry but know why they can understand and not feel threatened. I was a wild child in high school and college all due to how my mom set the tone of our existence. Tr
Hopeful, I agree about the kids! Quality time with my girls makes me feel so happy and content. It is the best thing in my life.
ReplyDeleteI really wish I could get motivated to work out. I need to, badly, but I lack the real desire to do it, and I let my busy schedule get in the way.
For me, it's music - listening and singing - theatre, my kids, prayer, reading, my pets, work, and this blog. And writing.
The truth is, after 30 years of battling depression, I have sort of become my own therapist. I am good st recognizing the monstrous delusions and the negative self talk I''m used to waiting out the overwhelming feelings of sadness and hopelessness.
But, even with that, we all need someone to talk to sometimes. Parents, friends, support group, blog. Find someone to talk to, at least every now and then.
The best advice [for me] came on a Facebook post which simply said 'Time heals nothing but allows you to learn, in that time, to cope'. Perhaps over simplified but for me, true. I will never forget the betrayal but via therapy and time, I have moved on. It's my life and I am happy! Peace Sisters.
ReplyDeleteLlp I totally agree with telling the kids (age appropriate) as hard as it is my 12 yr old appeared relieved when I explained why his dad and I had separated.. he did take my side because he knew I'd done nothing wrong and saw me hurting.. my son was hurting too we were each there for one another when we needed a shoulder.. I don't regret telling my son, life's bloody tough out there and as much as we try to protect our children we can also give them a disservice by keeping the truth from them . We must keep communication open with our children I too was brought up in a very dysfunctional family having to hear fighting, screaming and shouting I thought at the time it was my fault.. needless to say I was so happy when my parents separated we y siblings and my mum had such a better more quality of life away from my dad.. I loved my dad but hated his behaviour .. a lot like my son And his father.. thanks for listening ladies 😘😘
ReplyDeleteI tried therapy and I didn't like it. My husband went and so did my daughter. I found that writing and walking/hiking helped me the most. When I have a bad day I journal them on the computer and then I erase them. I find this very therapeutic. I also have a couple of people I can talk to about how I'm feeling. I've dealt with the ow's friend many times lately. These two are cowards and try to cover up what they have done in trying and destroy my marriage. I have caught them in so many lies. I never knew how strong I was until I had to deal with this mess. It's been a year this past September and the pain isn't raw anymore but there is still an ache sometimes. My friend who went through this too is going on 8 years of therapy. I didn't want that to be me.
ReplyDeleteSuch brilliance. Be it through pain or victories of reflections and recognizing. How th hell could be be betrayed. ? It goes to show whi the cracked and broken people are. They are NOT here. We are not broken. We FEEL broken but they are the broken ones. Elle. Thank you for such a timely and beautifully written piece.
ReplyDeleteI don't know where to begin. My husband's affairs started 29 years ago. His infidelity started with my sister. I had no proof at that time. I was pregnant with our first. Many years later I brought it to the table. He blamed me for having her in our home so much. Since then he has continued with pornography and emotional affairs with co workers. I feel in my heart it has gone much deeper than that but he refuses to come clean. I'm stuck in a whirlwind of bitter emotions and trying to hold it together. Fact is I'm scared and utterly dying inside.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad I found this site. I just woke up this am and after my mind was enveloped by all the pain I reached for my phone and typed the words that lead me to this site. I'm confused and afraid. Afraid of living with the torment for the rest of my life. After all I have lived with it for 29 years already. Why when I thoroughly trusted him did he do this to me and why did I stay????
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