Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Wednesday Word Hug

by Victoria Safford
Our mission is to plant ourselves at the gates of Hope—
Not the prudent gates of Optimism,
Which are somewhat narrower.
Not the stalwart, boring gates of Common Sense;
Nor the strident gates of Self-Righteousness,
Which creak on shrill and angry hinges
Nor the cheerful, flimsy garden gate of
“Everything is gonna’ be all right.”
But a different, sometimes lonely place,
The place of truth-telling,
About your own soul first of all and its condition.
The place of resistance and defiance,
The piece of ground from which you see the world
Both as it is and as it could be
As it will be;
The place from which you glimpse not only struggle,
But the joy of the struggle.
And we stand there, all of us, beckoning and calling,
Telling people what we are seeing
Asking people what they see.


  1. The place of truth-telling,

    Finally, yes.

    The place of resistance and defiance,

    Yes, and my own power, finally.

    But the joy of the struggle.

    And of realizing I am the heroine, have always been the heroine of my story, who does not need to be rescued. Rather, who has rescued herself. No hair to let down for the prince to climb up, i'm already long gone on my own adventure.

    Telling people what we are seeing
    Asking people what they see.

    because the view out here is pretty freaking amazing.

  2. Beach Girl coming to you live from San Diego. Hope, that is what I have at times and what I want to feel. I have so much hope thanks to this blog and all of you because like so many of us, I am isolated in my pain. I can be so "black and white" in my thinking and if I don't catch myself when I am in that thought process I quickly jump feet first into the cesspool of thoughts. More and more I find myself moving towards jumping back into a new marriage with hope, knowing that I am fully prepared to leave if my husband fails in his commitment to me. That statement in itself reads so much like "black and white" thinking but at this point it is what I need to feel safe to wear my new wedding ring and feel loving thoughts towards my husband. I accept that the marriage I thought I had was an illusion and that while there were some authentic times of life-sharing experiences between my husband and I, he never gave me a vote in his decisions to watch porn and find prostitutes. Those realities make me think I could join the mob and commit unspeakable offenses against him, not them because despite the facts of his life, he always had the choice to make a better decision than he did. When he talks to me now, it sounds like he is very, very clear that he always has a choice of how he will respond/react to triggers and that so far, almost 16 months down the road he has been able to make good choices, tell me about them and accepts/understands my sadness and tears over those events. It just continues to make me so sad knowing that parts of his brain are still hard-wired to things that disgust me. I do love him and have hope that he will stay on this new path. It brings us much happiness and keeps us focused on all that we have to gain in life. Stay strong my secret, supportive and authentic friends. I love you all and need you in my life. Beach Girl

  3. I really feel such an battle inside myself. I feel like I want to jump back into this and trust and move forward. But then I yank myself back to reality. It is so hard as you said Beach Girl not to spiral back into those thoughts. For me it is the intellectual vs emotional battle in my head. I know the reality and what my mind says but those feelings are so raw. I keep thinking and hoping that time will help.

  4. Beach girl
    One day at a time with one foot in front of the other!

  5. The place of truth telling, I keep reading that over and over. The lies that have been said over the last year by our OW. They really bother me especially because I watched her go after my h. I admit that I have a hard time letting her go. I started reading this blog from the beginning in the archives. The letters to the OW and contacting her. I've done both. And I know she lies to cover up her wrong doings. Especially trying to keep things quiet because she doesn't want the fiancé she left to go after my h to find out the truth. He knows because I sent him an email giving him times and dates of emails she sent my h. I also told him that I have all the phone records. I also know that this woman put all the blame on my h and told people he raped her. This small community knows she's a liar because we all watched her at work go after him. She's hung herself but she's to stupid to realize. But how do I get past her. She's even had one of her friends attack me on Social media the closer I got to the truth of what was actually going on and the things she did to try and destroy my family. It took me a year to find out and the more I found out the more I realize that she is nuts. Could you write another piece on the OW and the crazy things they do. Maybe I can get past her finally by reading other people's experiences with thiese crazy, selfish pieces of garbage.

  6. The lies, the "eveything is going to be ok please trust me, i promise i wont speak to her i promise i wont meet her. I want to be with you, i love you........ THIS is what i cannot understand.... the lies the comforting then going back to do the same thing over and over for months, its a case of the W has gone quite now she thinks is over so lets carry on with it. Anon she was sending him photos in various states of undress and he was sending her pictures back after all the times he said it was over. Lies lies lies i dont think i can ever see him and respect him like i used to how can i?? Is that ever possible??? xxx

    1. When I wrote the above statement I was having a really bad morning. I'm wounded but not broken either. I've watched my husband and his struggle and I truly think that he goes through much worse then I do. I've seen him break down and sob for hours over what he's done. That is so hard to watch and not be able to comfort him because of the anger I felt. I know that she sent him pictures too but, he said that they were pictures of her niece that she wanted him to draw. Then I remembered that she had sent me the same pageant pictures she sent him. She played me as much as she did him. One thing that I still have to laugh at because these women that we worked with were so stupid. They gave her sympathy cards for not being able to destroy my family. The one card that she slipped into a box of his things that he had left at the restaurant, that our friend picked up mentioned " when life lemons and you don't feel like making lemonade...blah blah blah. It was addressed to her and him. When I found it, he took it out to the fire pit and burned it. Less then 10 days, was how long this shit show lasted and she was telling him how she was falling in love with him. She had also let slip that she planned the whole thing. I guess one thing that we all should remember is that these women are desperate, have self worth or dignity.

  7. 17mo out ... my H now says he thinks about it everyday, me too i reply noting it no longer consumes my every minute ... its still there everyday. H hoped id say it wasnt daily anymore and how now he thinks evw more how he wishes he could change his choices so that it didn't happen, me too ... huh. And it was at this moment i truly absorb this and i think this means we are still moving forward ... healing? I think to myself sure this,sucks i think about it everyday this happened to me but in this moment i see his struggle as i imagine it might be equal or far worse to think every day i caused this i did this and i cant take it back. One day at a time ... its my choice everyday and my choice is to try to turn lemons into lemonade even though some days not everyday that include adding vodka to the mix. Wounded not broken.

  8. Sorry I meant that they have no self worth or dignity.



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