I just finished responding to Phoenix and Still Standing over on the Separating or Divorcing (Part 2) page. There's so much pain there as these incredible women come to terms with a loss they hadn't predicted. But there's hella resilience too.
There's also much gratitude for this site as a place where women feel supported, no matter what they're going through and how things are unfolding. While I created this site to make me less lonely as I worked to rebuild my marriage (and to assure myself that I wasn't a complete doofus to believe that it was possible to rebuild a marriage after betrayal), I didn't intend it to be only for reconciliation. For one thing, I wasn't sure just where my marriage was going to end up. I had one foot out the door for a long time. Besides, however things turn out, we're not so different. It's the experience of betrayal that marks us. And the women on this site, without fail, have responded to that most painful of experiences by reaching out to others and lifting them up.
It's incredible, really. To think that, at our lowest point, we are still able to acknowledge pain in others and reach out. It speaks to the courage of all of you here. It speaks to the depth of your compassion, the reservoir of kindness that you each still have, even when life has served up betrayal and cruelty.
I'm convinced though that it's in that reaching out, that lifting up of others, that ability to take in another's pain and hold it for them, that opens the path to our own healing. In keeping our hearts open to others, we keep them open to our own lives.
In feeling each other's pain, we are able to process our own.
We heal together, bound by compassionate hearts.
Our healing won't take us all to the same place. Some of us will rebuild marriages, others will dissolve theirs. But as long as we're able to see in each other the beauty, the strength, the courage and the integrity with which we're responding to our hearts shattering, then we can acknowledge it in ourselves. And that mark of betrayal will become a badge of honor for having not only survived but having kept our hearts open to the suffering of others.
There are days that what I'm saying will seem impossible. Days when it's all we can do to breathe in, breathe out, when we need to put our hearts under glass. Those are the days when others can remind you that you will survive this. That there are days for giving and days for receiving.
That the grace we show each other isn't a zero sum game.
And that ability to offer or receive grace, to experience a life-changing kindness, is no small thing.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
No truer word's have been written.The betrayal of an affair left me feeling so isolated and utterly alone.This site and you ladies were like a beam of light in the darkest night.I suddenly realized that I was not alone...I found hope and inspiration...to say thank-you doesn't seem like enough..but for lack of better words THANK God for you all
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. Its good to be reminded that it is ok for me to just receive right now, when I am fighting to find the strength to shower daily, let alone put meals on the table, or sleep or hope. I find hope here. The amazing women who remind me that I am amazing too. I have felt so much despair and fear, I fight to not get washed away. But every time I read a comment of love and compassion I feel just a little bit uplifted. Love you all.
ReplyDeleteI'm still not sure why we're the ones that feel like a doofus as Elle says but I remember thinking I must be crazy for staying with a man who trampled all over my faith in men in general and him in particular! I'm like Gage, forever thankful for finding the blog and so many warm loving women!
ReplyDeleteSo well said Elle, the women who share on this site are amazing - the courage and compassion is inspiring! I was so alone and crushed in the early days and this site was such a life line for me. And now that I can actually breath a little it is such a huge source of strength and inspiration. I have actually done a google search to gather up post from some of the ladies here and have them ready for 3 am when I needed them the most.
ReplyDeleteElle, thank you for your dedication and hard work on this site. Sisters, thank you for your love and support. I am eternally grateful to both!
Becky
Grace and love. We are all here out of sadness, but we find compassion and companionship here too. Thank you all. Thank you, Elle.
ReplyDeleteBecause of everyone here I feel understood and supported. I have only posted a couple times but feel a part of the strong sisterhood.here. I am 15 mos out from d-day and 8 mos out from the last TT. I finally found an excellent IC and my husband is doing everything he needs to be doing to heal our relationship. I feel hopeful most days but also still have the hopeless feeling days too. Thank you all for the support even when I was watching from the shadows. ❤️
ReplyDeleteSo true, Elle. I have found support in many places over the last year, and I'm grateful to have people who love me. But nowhere is there understanding like there is here. This is a place where I can share my pain, my fear, and my anger, and everyone knows exactly where I'm coming from . And it is also a place where I can give back the support and comfort, a place where my experiences actually make me, sometimes, of use to someone else. Hugs, Sisters.
ReplyDeleteI am so encouraged by the words I read here. Less than a year from my Dday, I am hopeful but very cautious about my marriage and its future. I am learning to do what I know is right and let go of the outcome. Just knowing that others have traveled this road and survived (thrived!) whether or not their marriage did is extremely helpful. When I see the compassion shown here to women in pain no matter what they choose in this terrible situation, my faith in humans is restored one post at a time. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteFriends and relatives don't understand that still after 15 months i am struggling with what happened, they have moved on .... what still struggling with that,that was ages ago... I know that everyone on here understands that 15 months after d/day is nothing. This blog and everyone on it has been my lifeline too. The understanding is immense, its true you wouldn't get this support and love from people who have never experienced the sadness and pain of infidelity. Thank you too to all who have helped me xxx
ReplyDeleteI do not post much but do visit often. I am eternally grateful for all of you even though I wish none of us had to experience betrayal. I feel sad that there are so many of us that have had to travel on this journey. It is bittersweet for me. I see and feel everyone's hurt but I have learned that it did not destroy me (I will not allow that) but it did damage what I call my marriage (us). Everyone needs to figure it out in there own way. Stay or Go. Everyone's story is different and yet the same at times. I am grateful to Elle and all of you. You all are amazing. I have been given encouragement, compassion and hope from this sight . Words are not enough to express how each and every one of you have kept me "sane". Just being able to come here and have support is a lifesaver. A long and difficult journey. A roller coaster ride at times but one that I have survived so far. Just wish we did not have to meet under these circumstances.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that any of us ever had a reason to seek out this community, but I'm very glad that we have it. You ladies have helped me so much. There were days when I honestly felt I couldn't go on, and I've come here and heard from women farther along that path than I am tell me that it will get better, and it's given me the strength to keep going. Thank you all! I can only hope that my words have helped others as well.
ReplyDeleteNo truer words have I read lately. I found this site early on and it has helped me from not only hurting myself but saying and doing hurtful things that I later on would have regretted. This has been the one place where I can go where I know everyone knows exactly what I've been through, how badly I was hurt, and what I need to do to heal. I've been so very thankful for all the words of advice and have learned so much from everyone here.
ReplyDeleteI'm 10 mos. out. This is the time when h was deep into his affair so I know it's going to be a difficult holiday season. I'm wondering if I'll always dread the holidays or will someday look forward to them like I used to. My discovery day was Dec. 20 -- five days before Christmas. We were in counseling the day after Christmas. So damn hard to think of last year, but looking forward. H has done all the right things, said all the right things, says he is the happiest he's been in a long time. We're planning a little 2-day get-away for after Christmas, just the two of us - and it was his idea!! It made me happy to think that he was thinking of us. This will be much better than what we did last year! :)
Thank you all for your support and understanding. I'm not sure where I'd be today without you all.
Feeling lost
DeleteI'm glad your h is making the effort. That's what keeps me going day to day...seeing him put me/us first each and everyday. He's taking us on two occasions this year and spends each day making me feel safe and loved as I thought I was. Yes it turned our world upside down but I must say we're getting better together one day at a time! Hugs!
Feeling Lost,
DeleteI'm so sorry that your pain was so deep that you were tempted to hurt yourself though I understand the impulse. And I'm glad we played a role in helping you move past that and into a healthier place of healing.
As for holidays, stay tuned. I'm working on a piece about how, post-infidelity, we need to reimagine our lives, which includes holidays.
Feeling Lost, I also struggle with Xmas big time. For the last 3 years I have not put up a tree. M therapist said it is ok, to take a long time to get over Xmas. She said just change one thing every year. That is what I have done. I explained to my kids why we go out of town. Year one we went to Minnesota it was really the first Xmas by ourselves. Year two we rented a house in Florida. Year three we are going on a Christmas cruise. I told my kids next year would be Christmas at home. It is ok don't feel bad about it. There are many good byes and many hellos. I'm not rushing it. It is when I feel like it.
DeleteI agree with everyone here. This website has been the one constant that has helped me when I needed it the most. Everyone is right no one gets it unless you have been through it. And to have a place you can come to when you need it, comment when you need to, read when you need to and feel among others in the same place is beyond words helpful. Thank you to everyone!
ReplyDeleteTo every single BWC sister out there, whether you have a name I have come to know well or not - thank you. I am humbled each time I enter this community. The way each one of you offers kindness and support, be it through active commenting or silent validation, is extraordinary. I feel uplifted by each and every one of you. I honestly don't know what I would do without you all. Thank you for caring. Thank you for sharing your stories. Big hugs!! You are all in my thoughts, always.
ReplyDeleteHey, I was thinking yesterday. My situation, for those who are separated or just found out and in either case hopeful of saving their marriage, must be punch in the gut trigger city. I know how I felt in limbo and hearing about the Love Warrior book, how hey fought through it and STILL are ending the marriage. I avoided reading because so not what I wanted. So I know my story as it is unfolding will be terrifying to some of you.
ReplyDeleteAnd that I why I wanted to acknowledge the outpouring of love and support. Its so easy to turn away from the things that scare us. And I'm pretty freakin scary right now. I scare myself sometimes, the depth of my despair, the amount of tears, the fear, the tired, empty rage. There was even a split second last week where an early death would have been welcome. So again, thank you to all the support and love. What an amazing group of human beings. I'm grateful to be standing among you.
Oh my gosh Still Standing!
ReplyDeleteYou are right -- I almost never look at the Separated/Divorcing threads because, as you say, it is easy to turn away from the things that scare us.
But I actually did just this morning (one of those days), and I was unexpectedly overwhelmed with HOPE, not despair. I wish you could hear that in yourself! I certainly know the despair is there -- I'm not minimizing your very real pain in any way at all -- but I want you to know that I read your stories and I can see that no matter what happens with my marriage, I will eventually be okay. There may be things coming my way that I can't control, and that I don't want, but I'm learning that I can go thru them with integrity and a resilient capacity for kindness and love -- your stories are showing me the way. Thank you so much for sharing -- your words speak straight to my heart.
I wish I could comfort you. At the least, know that you are an inspiration.
I haven't commented in a while but I just wanted to thank you Elle and all you wonderful amazing supportive ladies, for being there when I have needed it most. Being there when I desperately needed to hear from someone who knows exactly how I am feeling and understands every twist and turn of this rollercoaster. My husband has recently moved back in after almost a year of seperation and i like to refer to us a 'work in progress' on this long & bumpy road. I feel like you ladies definitely provide me with fuel for my journey - everyday. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteCoping!!!! So good to see you!! More please. Mine is coming back wedenday after 5+months. I feel like I will have a hard time giving up my new found alone space, despite the fact that I do want him back to try again. But I would love to know what your reentry was like. Hugs girl!!
ReplyDelete