I do feel happy with myself and always have. I know who I am and I am really content with me. I find if harder to feel happy with my husband. To me they represent two different feelings. I guess i compartimentlize them. Not sure if that is good or not but how I feel.
I can't seem to find my happy these days. Yes, I can have a smile on my face; yes, I can laugh and go about my day, but deep down I don't feel the happy I used to have. My h says that if I'm not happy then I don't love or trust him. I do love him. Trust...I'm still trying. And I feel that with his job (he travels a lot, works from home while I'm at work) and technology these days (it's so easy to delete texts, have secret phones, etc) that it's too easy to hide things. I may never know if he's cheating again. I didn't know for the longest time. I thought everything was fine.
I wish it were simple and easy to get my happy back. I know it's something that "I" have to do. That he can't make me happy. I have to do it myself. He says I just like drama. Yeah, right. I can do without drama, thank you very much.
Happy is a constant work in progress. Will take any and all tips I can get.
I too didn't know for the longest time. Now the constant vigilance and checking/sleuthing/spying required to alleviate anxiety and make sure I don't "miss something" is exhausting. I'm on the verge of giving that up or at least reducing it so I can live, but the thought of things going on that I don't know about definitely gets in the way of my happiness, but so does the making sure that I know everything.
It is tiring. That is why i stop doing it so. Let God has His own way. If he is yours, then he will be yours...always. if God think he is no longer good for you, how hard is it for God to take his life. I guess the most important is we clean up the mess we might did or do. The rest is up to Him. Revenge is God's ...not ours. If he is back to us then praise God. If he doesnt want to be back, then let him go. Never beg a man to stay. If he stays he stays. If he doesnt, tgen God will give you strenght to endure or maybe He will give you a better one. Women never ever think that they lost their wing when their spouses cheat. Yes, tears will flow like river but never feel you lost your wing. You are ok before you met your husband and if he leaves you, you will be just ok. Just hang on there. If you have kids, pour yout attention to your kids, dont rush taking major decision when your pain is still raw. Dont need to tell everybody about his affair. Pain cant be share. Only God understands. But forum like this is so helpful. Pour your self in this pool. Everybody is the same here tho have different story. Listen to Elle ..she is good. Have a nice day everyone. I do feel your pain.
Happiness does come from within, but sometimes it is really hard for it to survive when threatened from without. I'm thinking of recent behaviour and inteactional 'skills' of my h. His monosyllabic answers/ irrelevant rambling work stories and lack of eye contact would challenge even the Buddha!
Most days I feel happy knowing that what we are building is stronger then what we had before. We do almost everything together. We sit and talk like we used to before our children and granddaughter came into our lives. I learned that I am a lot stronger then I was a year ago.
My husband is an airline pilot. (surely you can fill in the blanks on the infidelities that occurred (5 different flight attendants. Found out all at once 6 months ago). So for me, I've had a hard time finding ways to be happy in both of my "lives". I find it easier to be happy while he's home. I can talk to him, find reassurance when I need it, etc. Harder is taking control of my happiness while he is gone (which is 3-4 days every week). When he's gone, of course there is the anxiety of the fact that he's in a hotel at night with flight attendants and alcohol readily available. But more than that, I miss being able to reach out for reassurance (which he is great about giving freely) or just feel connected. Exercise, finding other things that I enjoy, taking care of me: these are the only things I know to do with this time. It's confusing to me because in the past I never had any issues with his schedule or job. I signed up for this and I actually loved my "me" time before. While it's true I signed up for this, I did not sign up for it under these circumstances. I have to be easier on myself for struggling with his schedule because of that fact. This was a bait-and-switch of sorts. Also, as the shock and most of the crushing anxiety are gone, I have only the very dark, low, depressed feelings that crash over me like waves sometimes. In these moments I hate the entire world. I suddenly see everyone around me as selfish and animalistic. Like people are just bumping into each other in the world trying to get what ever they can from others. Like no one cares about other people at all--which makes me feel very much isolated from the whole world. It's a really strange feeling for someone who always saw the world as a wonderful place full of love and caring. Then the wave will recede. Reading the comments here where women are supporting each other and caring about the pain of others is helping so much with that! I'm looking forward to peeling off this layer of grief, but being patient with myself as I know these feelings are all necessary.
So sorry you are here but it is an amazing and helpful place to be if you need it. I can understand how you feel about your husband's career and scheudle. I think we all have aspects of that. I gave up my career and moved to my husband's home town. I paid for his graduate school and all of our living expenses and to start up his business. I agreed to be the primary caregiver. I did all of this with the understanding we were a team. Which I am sure you felt that way too. It is all so hard.
I agree with you about the outside world. I find myself skeptical of everyone. I feel like I am less forgiving. I see what people's lies do and how they hurt people. Also I think it can start of gradually for people. I know lies my husband's friends tell and he always thought no big deal. He is starting to see how they are not okay. But I feel like what is wrong with people that they feel like they can lie on a daily and weekly basis. In general I feel like so many people are only out for themselves or what they will get out of it without regard for others.
I work in a school, and there are character quotes all over the walls (which literally saved my life in my darker moments with all of this. As I would walk around, I would read them and clear my head). My favorite one speaks to exactly this feeling. It is, "A man (woman) of honor should never forget what he is because he sees what others are."--Baltasar Gracian In my stronger moments, I can take this in and feel OK about the rest of the world. I can only account and be responsible for me.
Oh wow, Ann. If you can truly get that -- that you are only responsible to and accountable for yourself -- then you're ahead of most. That's a liberating place to be.
Ann, (not sure if this is the same Ann who wrote both posts above), What you're describing as you process the pain you're in sounds like you're actually doing great. I know it doesn't feel like that. The crushing anxiety when he's gone, the sadness, the cynicism. But keep going. Peel away layer of layer of the pain and, I suspect, you'll be left with yourself laid bare. Heart open, eyes open. Able to see the world, perhaps, a bit more as it is -- with good and bad, light and dark.
I do feel happy with myself and always have. I know who I am and I am really content with me. I find if harder to feel happy with my husband. To me they represent two different feelings. I guess i compartimentlize them. Not sure if that is good or not but how I feel.
ReplyDeleteI can't seem to find my happy these days. Yes, I can have a smile on my face; yes, I can laugh and go about my day, but deep down I don't feel the happy I used to have. My h says that if I'm not happy then I don't love or trust him. I do love him. Trust...I'm still trying. And I feel that with his job (he travels a lot, works from home while I'm at work) and technology these days (it's so easy to delete texts, have secret phones, etc) that it's too easy to hide things. I may never know if he's cheating again. I didn't know for the longest time. I thought everything was fine.
ReplyDeleteI wish it were simple and easy to get my happy back. I know it's something that "I" have to do. That he can't make me happy. I have to do it myself. He says I just like drama. Yeah, right. I can do without drama, thank you very much.
Happy is a constant work in progress. Will take any and all tips I can get.
I too didn't know for the longest time. Now the constant vigilance and checking/sleuthing/spying required to alleviate anxiety and make sure I don't "miss something" is exhausting. I'm on the verge of giving that up or at least reducing it so I can live, but the thought of things going on that I don't know about definitely gets in the way of my happiness, but so does the making sure that I know everything.
DeleteIt is tiring. That is why i stop doing it so. Let God has His own way. If he is yours, then he will be yours...always. if God think he is no longer good for you, how hard is it for God to take his life. I guess the most important is we clean up the mess we might did or do. The rest is up to Him. Revenge is God's ...not ours. If he is back to us then praise God. If he doesnt want to be back, then let him go. Never beg a man to stay. If he stays he stays. If he doesnt, tgen God will give you strenght to endure or maybe He will give you a better one. Women never ever think that they lost their wing when their spouses cheat. Yes, tears will flow like river but never feel you lost your wing. You are ok before you met your husband and if he leaves you, you will be just ok. Just hang on there. If you have kids, pour yout attention to your kids, dont rush taking major decision when your pain is still raw. Dont need to tell everybody about his affair. Pain cant be share. Only God understands. But forum like this is so helpful. Pour your self in this pool. Everybody is the same here tho have different story. Listen to Elle ..she is good. Have a nice day everyone. I do feel your pain.
DeleteHappiness does come from within, but sometimes it is really hard for it to survive when threatened from without. I'm thinking of recent behaviour and inteactional 'skills' of my h. His monosyllabic answers/ irrelevant rambling work stories and lack of eye contact would challenge even the Buddha!
ReplyDeleteOnce I realized that truth, the sooner I returned to my true self! Good reminder!
ReplyDeleteMost days I feel happy knowing that what we are building is stronger then what we had before. We do almost everything together. We sit and talk like we used to before our children and granddaughter came into our lives. I learned that I am a lot stronger then I was a year ago.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is an airline pilot. (surely you can fill in the blanks on the infidelities that occurred (5 different flight attendants. Found out all at once 6 months ago). So for me, I've had a hard time finding ways to be happy in both of my "lives". I find it easier to be happy while he's home. I can talk to him, find reassurance when I need it, etc. Harder is taking control of my happiness while he is gone (which is 3-4 days every week). When he's gone, of course there is the anxiety of the fact that he's in a hotel at night with flight attendants and alcohol readily available. But more than that, I miss being able to reach out for reassurance (which he is great about giving freely) or just feel connected. Exercise, finding other things that I enjoy, taking care of me: these are the only things I know to do with this time. It's confusing to me because in the past I never had any issues with his schedule or job. I signed up for this and I actually loved my "me" time before. While it's true I signed up for this, I did not sign up for it under these circumstances. I have to be easier on myself for struggling with his schedule because of that fact. This was a bait-and-switch of sorts. Also, as the shock and most of the crushing anxiety are gone, I have only the very dark, low, depressed feelings that crash over me like waves sometimes. In these moments I hate the entire world. I suddenly see everyone around me as selfish and animalistic. Like people are just bumping into each other in the world trying to get what ever they can from others. Like no one cares about other people at all--which makes me feel very much isolated from the whole world. It's a really strange feeling for someone who always saw the world as a wonderful place full of love and caring. Then the wave will recede. Reading the comments here where women are supporting each other and caring about the pain of others is helping so much with that! I'm looking forward to peeling off this layer of grief, but being patient with myself as I know these feelings are all necessary.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you are here but it is an amazing and helpful place to be if you need it. I can understand how you feel about your husband's career and scheudle. I think we all have aspects of that. I gave up my career and moved to my husband's home town. I paid for his graduate school and all of our living expenses and to start up his business. I agreed to be the primary caregiver. I did all of this with the understanding we were a team. Which I am sure you felt that way too. It is all so hard.
DeleteI agree with you about the outside world. I find myself skeptical of everyone. I feel like I am less forgiving. I see what people's lies do and how they hurt people. Also I think it can start of gradually for people. I know lies my husband's friends tell and he always thought no big deal. He is starting to see how they are not okay. But I feel like what is wrong with people that they feel like they can lie on a daily and weekly basis. In general I feel like so many people are only out for themselves or what they will get out of it without regard for others.
I work in a school, and there are character quotes all over the walls (which literally saved my life in my darker moments with all of this. As I would walk around, I would read them and clear my head). My favorite one speaks to exactly this feeling. It is, "A man (woman) of honor should never forget what he is because he sees what others are."--Baltasar Gracian In my stronger moments, I can take this in and feel OK about the rest of the world. I can only account and be responsible for me.
DeleteOh wow, Ann. If you can truly get that -- that you are only responsible to and accountable for yourself -- then you're ahead of most. That's a liberating place to be.
DeleteAnn, (not sure if this is the same Ann who wrote both posts above),
DeleteWhat you're describing as you process the pain you're in sounds like you're actually doing great. I know it doesn't feel like that. The crushing anxiety when he's gone, the sadness, the cynicism. But keep going. Peel away layer of layer of the pain and, I suspect, you'll be left with yourself laid bare. Heart open, eyes open. Able to see the world, perhaps, a bit more as it is -- with good and bad, light and dark.