Thank you. Well said. Had a "therapist" tell me to "move on" from the porn when I handed her Means book, "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse". I wanted her to read it if she was going to understand me.
My hubby was there and he could tell I got mad. I never went back to her even though she did give me some good advice, like laying down for a couple of hours or I'll watch Netflix in the afternoon upstairs after homeschooling.
But most "therapist" suck. They are woefully ignorant of how porn destroys a marriage.
This was a big message to my husband early on after dday. He has always wanted to be the fix it guy and solve problems or not have problems at all. But I remember sitting and crying one day when I tried to talk about something and he did not want to talk. I finally told him I need to talk, or get mad or cry sometimes and I need you to say I understand, hug me or just listen. He had to work hard at this but he has come a long way and improved so much in this area. It helps me a ton in working through this. Before I never felt heard or validated. He just wanted me to push through it. Now he makes my feelings and thoughts feel validated.
Hopeful 30, I have had that exact conversation with my husband several times over the past 17 months. He still falls short at times because his pain is deep however when I remind him that "this is not about you and how you feel this is about me and how what you did makes me feel" he is able to provide the support I need and want. Stay strong. My husband wants me to "get over it" and I've told him we will never "get over this" but we will get through it. On the marriage issue I grapple with, a few nights ago when I was ruminating again, he offered this, "Our marriage has holes in it but a lot of it was true" My thoughts now are, "I have my memories and experiences that I can love and savor and it is easier to erase his physical presence from those memories because he was never really there in spirit". I just wonder at times how my adult kids would have fared if they had a present father growing up. Hoping they make their way and become strong on their own.
Bingo, exactly what you are saying. I will get through this but never get over it. I think it would be naiive to get over it and just move on. I think that would be the case even if I left my husband and ended up with someone new. My husband played the part and said all the right things. And he was not present but what is sad is he was more present than any of my friends husbands ever were or are.
I know from many of my friends they have similar feelings in their marriages and as far as I know there is no betrayal. It is hard raising kids, working, staying home, working on a marriage... I know I handled it well and just embraced it. I was so scared to become a mother. It was not anything that came natural to me. He pushed me to have kids. Which is ironic once we had them that is when he struggled. I know no marriage or relationship or person is perfect but I am really trying to wrap my head around our marriage/relationship in a bigger sense. I am sure there is some connection to the betrayal but more than ever I have this deep down feeling of I will not settle and I expect more from our relationship. He wants me to be happy and trust him but I am not sure if he really wants to do what it takes to make me happy on a daily basis. I believe he is being trustworthy and honest now but I am talking about division of labor around the house and those types of things. It almost feels trivial after so many years that this is what I feel stuck on. I usually think this stuff over for a long time and figure a way to explain myself. It takes me a while though to formulate what I want to say so I clearly express my thoughts.
Beach Girl, I too reflect back on my kids and how my husband was for those 10 years. I too wonder would anything be different. Hard to know. My husband has regrets for sure. He knows and acknowledges that he was detached. He is jealous of my relationship with both of our kids. And he cannot undo that. We are lucky since ours are still at home and I know I am glad he is present now. Now that we are in the teenage years it is very helpful that he is a part of our lives more. He will say he cannot make up for all of that lost time but he is determined to be the best husband and father he can for the rest of his life. And I feel glad this came out now. We have not told our kids but I think this experience has shaped me and our discussions. And I think your last sentence says a lot. In the end were are here to guide and help them but they have to make their own way.
It's Aloha Wednesday and can I just say Mahalo (thank you/I love you) for this reminder. My husband says this every time my brain fries and I melt. I just read the post of the Dali Lama and it brought so much more hope to me. God I love you all so much. Going to have a fabulous day and so are you all cause we, all of us, are "getting through it with the help of our friends here"
A very good reminder! One of the family of origin pains for me as my mother was always telling us girls 'just get over it'! Which led me to a major meltdown in the early months with my h! He never has said that again and likely never will!
Thank you. Well said. Had a "therapist" tell me to "move on" from the porn when I handed her Means book, "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse". I wanted her to read it if she was going to understand me.
ReplyDeleteMy hubby was there and he could tell I got mad. I never went back to her even though she did give me some good advice, like laying down for a couple of hours or I'll watch Netflix in the afternoon upstairs after homeschooling.
But most "therapist" suck. They are woefully ignorant of how porn destroys a marriage.
This was a big message to my husband early on after dday. He has always wanted to be the fix it guy and solve problems or not have problems at all. But I remember sitting and crying one day when I tried to talk about something and he did not want to talk. I finally told him I need to talk, or get mad or cry sometimes and I need you to say I understand, hug me or just listen. He had to work hard at this but he has come a long way and improved so much in this area. It helps me a ton in working through this. Before I never felt heard or validated. He just wanted me to push through it. Now he makes my feelings and thoughts feel validated.
ReplyDeleteHopeful 30, I have had that exact conversation with my husband several times over the past 17 months. He still falls short at times because his pain is deep however when I remind him that "this is not about you and how you feel this is about me and how what you did makes me feel" he is able to provide the support I need and want. Stay strong. My husband wants me to "get over it" and I've told him we will never "get over this" but we will get through it. On the marriage issue I grapple with, a few nights ago when I was ruminating again, he offered this, "Our marriage has holes in it but a lot of it was true" My thoughts now are, "I have my memories and experiences that I can love and savor and it is easier to erase his physical presence from those memories because he was never really there in spirit". I just wonder at times how my adult kids would have fared if they had a present father growing up. Hoping they make their way and become strong on their own.
DeleteBingo, exactly what you are saying. I will get through this but never get over it. I think it would be naiive to get over it and just move on. I think that would be the case even if I left my husband and ended up with someone new. My husband played the part and said all the right things. And he was not present but what is sad is he was more present than any of my friends husbands ever were or are.
DeleteI know from many of my friends they have similar feelings in their marriages and as far as I know there is no betrayal. It is hard raising kids, working, staying home, working on a marriage... I know I handled it well and just embraced it. I was so scared to become a mother. It was not anything that came natural to me. He pushed me to have kids. Which is ironic once we had them that is when he struggled. I know no marriage or relationship or person is perfect but I am really trying to wrap my head around our marriage/relationship in a bigger sense. I am sure there is some connection to the betrayal but more than ever I have this deep down feeling of I will not settle and I expect more from our relationship. He wants me to be happy and trust him but I am not sure if he really wants to do what it takes to make me happy on a daily basis. I believe he is being trustworthy and honest now but I am talking about division of labor around the house and those types of things. It almost feels trivial after so many years that this is what I feel stuck on. I usually think this stuff over for a long time and figure a way to explain myself. It takes me a while though to formulate what I want to say so I clearly express my thoughts.
Beach Girl, I too reflect back on my kids and how my husband was for those 10 years. I too wonder would anything be different. Hard to know. My husband has regrets for sure. He knows and acknowledges that he was detached. He is jealous of my relationship with both of our kids. And he cannot undo that. We are lucky since ours are still at home and I know I am glad he is present now. Now that we are in the teenage years it is very helpful that he is a part of our lives more. He will say he cannot make up for all of that lost time but he is determined to be the best husband and father he can for the rest of his life. And I feel glad this came out now. We have not told our kids but I think this experience has shaped me and our discussions. And I think your last sentence says a lot. In the end were are here to guide and help them but they have to make their own way.
DeleteIt's Aloha Wednesday and can I just say Mahalo (thank you/I love you) for this reminder. My husband says this every time my brain fries and I melt. I just read the post of the Dali Lama and it brought so much more hope to me. God I love you all so much. Going to have a fabulous day and so are you all cause we, all of us, are "getting through it with the help of our friends here"
ReplyDeleteThank you to all of you! You are really helping me through it and you know I don't need to "get over" anything to heal, forgive, and move forward.
ReplyDeleteA very good reminder! One of the family of origin pains for me as my mother was always telling us girls 'just get over it'! Which led me to a major meltdown in the early months with my h! He never has said that again and likely never will!
ReplyDelete