The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
More days than not now I feel like my life is centered on what it should be and not my h's affairs. When I get knocked off balance, it surprises me and takes me a bit to figure out what happened. Some triggers are obvious, but others take me a while to figure out. I had some worries/anxieties/"what if" thoughts this last week that kind of came out of the blue. After sitting with them and trying to pick apart what happened, it was that one of the OW got married this weekend. I'm not sure why that's a bad thing... I mean, let her be married and not single and looking, right? Let her have a wonderful happy marriage and keep her far away! My H doesn't know she got married, so it's not like he told me or that he cares in the slightest (one night stand)... It was just knowing something about her I guess. The fact that she's not worried in the slightest about what I'm doing and likely had one of "the best days of her life"... The thought of commitments/covenants/public promises made and her in the same sentence... It doesn't make sense when you lay it out, but that doesn't keep me from reacting to it. I've progressed in that I can have these moments where I get knocked off balance and get curious about how it happened. It may take a few days and lots of soul-searching, but I can put it back where it belongs and not let it sit in the driver's seat anymore. While it's happening I am usually thinking about how tired I am of getting taken off course (yet again) by something in my own head. Since it's been happening for so long, and I hear the stories from all of you, I am pretty sure it's all here to stay. The good news is that I think I can handle it. After the initial shock of Dday was over and I was healing, I wasn't sure I could handle a life where I had this dull pain in the background that would occasionally turn sharp. At least so far (and on most days), I think I can do this.
Ann, again, you are able to articulate so much of what runs in my head. It sounds like you've taken the same mindfulness classes I did but have been much more successful at utilizing the tools of self-compassion and just figuring out why you are experiencing those reactions. I'm getting better but need to really go back and re-read and practice those tools again. Even when I have those "thoughts" or have a script running in my head it can take me days to stop thinking about it which robs me of the present time. The best ways I've found is to see one of my grandkids and totally focus on them. Otherwise, the background negative noise just continues to loop. Ugh. I'm learning so much about myself and my mind. I'm not sure I will ever know what "healing" means with regard to this kind of betrayal trauma but I'm keeping an open mind.
ElleWhat a meaningful quote for me to see this morning! I've spent the past week with my mother first in the ICU for an emergency pacemaker, and the past 6 days on the floor. I'm not sure if I gave any thoughts to my h or the trauma of his betrayal as I was pulled into the fight for my mother to live. In the ICU while wearing a temporary pacemaker, she was scheduled for a permanent pacemaker and before her surgery, she told the dr that just saved her life that if her heart stops during the surgery, she didn't want to be resuscitated nor have a tube down her throat. They asked her to sign a dnr form but she couldn't see it so she told them I would sign it for her. Well damn! If you didn't want to live why'd you call me and ask for the ambulance? I'm guessing she doesn't really understand how she was able to wake up in the hospital because most of the night is fuzzy for her. Basically she's glad to be alive but she doesn't want to have a tube down her throat keeping her alive. Today I was signing her into a rehabilitation center to build her strength up and hopefully return her back to her home and somewhat miserable life, and when the director asked if she had a dnr order I said she would have to sign a living will as I will not be responsible for that again. These are the choices she is making and I try to follow her wishes. So with the new issues she's dealing with medically, I no longer have the time to think about his mistakes and the hurt he caused. I'm sure it will return from time to time but I've learned that the busier I am with day to day challenges, my h and the past fades just enough for me to function. I'm forever grateful for this blog because I continue to read but I don't have as much time to reply! Just wanted you to know this touched me in a good way today!
Theresa, you are doing the right thing now that your mother has regained her decision making capacity she should document her wishes and you should have comfort in following them. Hopefully she will get stronger and regain some of her independence. One day we all will reach the end of our life on earth. As the surrogate, don't put the burden of 'making' the decision on yourself - instead 'speak on her behalf' and ask yourself this question: "if my mom could sit up in this bed and tell the nurses & doctors what she wanted I believe she would say ___" you know her values best, follow that instinct and be at peace when the time comes. I hope it will be a long time form today.
Hi Theresa sorry to hear about your mother, it's hard going looking after a poorly relative especially when you have no one else to share responsibilities..make sure your looking after you the best you can in these circumstances get h to help out when he can.. thinking about you .. take good care of yourself xxx
Brown eyed girl and Sam AThanks for your support. I am taking care of myself now that the crisis is somewhat past. My h has stepped up his help in this trying time. He did most of the laundry last weekend, kept me and my sister fed when we were at the hospital almost around the clock. The thing is, my h had already been taking care of my mothers yard work for the past ten years even during the time of his affair. Very puzzling for me as he was taking care of her, I was put in his 'safe box'. This has somehow bought my h closer to understanding my complicated relationship that I have with this stubborn woman that gave me birth! Thanks my friends!
Elle your post is perfect. It is exactly how it feels 4 years later...... Thank you for being there for me when I first found out af for letting post my pain in way that helped me to deal with my overwhelming loss of love..... For letting me admit I lost me temper and Fifa second decided to forgo being a "lady" and drop kicked my purse across the room over my husband's head when he said he didn't like that I was too nice..... Now it seems ages ago and I'm so thankful to you for your help. Love you girls and praying you through also. Stay strong and know you are loved - Ann from Texas
Ann from Texas!!! You are a BWC hero for me!!! So many of your posts were so meaningful to me 1.5 years ago when I first found this group and was spending a lot of time on the bathroom floor. I have thought of you often and your wise words helped along this journey! Thank youLove and support sisters Becky
Love this quote! This is the mountain I am trying to conquer right now... not letting it ruin my life and rob me of happiness. I felt like if I was happy then my husband would be getting off the hook, or that I wasn't giving my betrayal it's due justice (which probably sounds stupid but was a real emotion),etc. Now I am working on giving myself permission to be happy, permission to love my husband again, and permission to move forward as a survivor versus stuck as a victim. I am using Lynn Less Pain's vision of a drunk driver hitting his victim every time I have hateful thoughts toward my husband in order to develop some empathy about his pain and see him from a different light. I can't tell you how much that has helped! I am also getting back to things I used to do that brought me joy. It's slow but at least there is progress.