Monday, May 1, 2017

Control is an illusion: The key is surrender

"The world is a terrifying place. We manage it by believing we can control it. And when it hasn’t been controlled—when it doesn’t bend to our wills—we either look for something to blame, or we surrender."
from the essay SuperBabies Don't Cry, by Heather Kirn Lanier

My daughter had a favorite children's book we read often. Piggie Pie was a hilarious retelling of fairy tales and nursery rhymes. One particular riff on Wizard of Oz had a wicked witch broom-writing above Old MacDonald's farm: Surrender Piggies!
No way were those piggies going to surrender. Not to Gritch the Witch. In fact, they were already disguised. They were undoubtedly going to outsmart the wicked Gritch.
Surrender. It feels a whole lot like failure, doesn't it? Like weakness. Giving up.
Especially in our amped-up fight-like-hell culture.
Indeed, dictionary definitions of surrender focus on defeat. Except for this one: "to yield oneself".
To yield. To make way for something else. To take your foot off the gas pedal and wait. 
In the wake of betrayal, we expect ourselves to act. Faced with our partner's choice, made without our input, beyond our control, we often compel ourselves to take control. And yet, for many of us, never has control felt so elusive.
Not only can't we control whether he continues his affair or not, whether he continues to lie to us or not, whether he stays and fights for us or not, we realize that the control we thought we had all along was an illusion. 
The world is a terrifying place. Ask anyone who's experienced a sudden tragic accident, a life-changing diagnosis, death, assault... And so many of us adopt the illusion of control because the alternative – accepting the randomness, the casual cruelty, the lottery luck of life – is too frightening. 
I did it. 
I believed that, after a chaotic childhood in which I controlled nothing, least of all my parents' addictions and consequent behaviour, I could control my adult life. And, of course, there were things I could control. Where I worked, for instance. Where I lived. Who I spent my time with.
But I bought the fantasy that there was a power that could prevent rejection or loss or failure or betrayal. I convinced myself that if I could unlock the secret formula that created a blissful life, it would be mine too. Perfection, I became certain, was the key.
And perfection was something I could control. It simply meant always looking good, always pleasing, always performing, always improving. It meant ensuring that everyone around me understood their importance, their value. It meant being available to them. It meant being whoever they needed me to be.
It meant sacrificing myself for some fantastical guarantee that they would never abandon me. 
And when it all blew up in my face (it blew up more than once. I'm a slow learner) with my husband's betrayal, I had one more choice to make. Was I going to look around and find someone to blame for what happened? Or was I going to surrender?
I chose blame for a year at least. I blamed my parents at first. My husband's betrayal unearthed some long-buried trauma that I enthusiastically excavated and flung in the faces of my parents who, to their credit, loved me through it. 
I moved onto the Other Woman. This was her fault. Her fault and the fault of every Other Woman who takes what isn't hers.
It was my husband's fault. Him with his missing moral compass. Him with his lies.
And persuasive arguments could be made that the blame for my situation lay at the feet of all of these people. Add in popular culture, add in social media with its click-to-get-laid technology, add in my husband's parents, the list goes on.
Ultimately though where did blame get me?
Absolutely nowhere.
Surrender though? Now we're talking.
Surrender wasn't failure at all. And it certainly wasn't weakness.
Surrender was yielding. Surrender was an acceptance that this was my situation and no amount of mud-slinging was going to change a damn thing. 
In a novel I've been reading, one of the characters gets in a physical fight and remembers something he learned in a martial arts class. Rather than continue to kick and flail when your opponent has you up against a wall, you go limp. You surrender. And in that act, you throw your opponent off. You become dead weight. Your opponent relaxes his grip.
When we surrender to our new reality, we're no longer expending our energy kicking and flailing at the universe, at our fate. When we're not railing against the injustice that this shouldn't have happened to us (and why not? awful things happen to good people all the time), we can focus on our injury. We can begin to heal ourself. 

41 comments:

  1. Control an illusion... perfection overrated and exhausting YES YES YES sitting idle staying leaving or just being all my choice everyday and when the pain was crippling and the cold bathroom floor felt like liquid cement and my heart wounded some much I surely thought the pain would swallow me whole Elle said just show up that's all I'm required to do and the others warriors chanted for me or felt my pain or said ME TOO and suddenly maybe my pain remained but I didn't feel so alone and I learned about self care and just being and it hurt like he'll but the world didn't stop and I found myself again. I'm coming up on 2 years since day work in progress ups down and the pain still remains but the flatness and bathroom floor no longer have me stuck nope I'm walking through it ... wounded not broken.

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    1. Wounded, you gave me chills reading that. So much learning in such a short time. So much growing and shifting. And that's painful stuff. It's like giving birth to someone new. A whole lotta pain but what a beautiful baby!

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  2. This is really my biggest lesson learned on this journey. Surrender. I felt it start to happen right away that night my whole world crashed. That night I found a condom in a suitcase and found myself without a foundation in the same moment. That night was last night exactly one year ago last night. Although I surrendered so much in that terrible moment and in the days that followed, I am still surrendering pieces of all of it daily. I did everything right. Tried to be everything to everybody. This wasn't enough. I wasn't enough to him. 1 whole year later, I can proudly state that he's not the only one who was mistaken (and he WAS mistaken). I didn't think I was enough either. That's why I did all that "extra" stuff. To make me "worth it". My mistake. I'm worthy wether someone else sees it or not. We all are. I do love that part of surrender so much. I don't work nearly as hard, and I get way more out of it. I felt fine on my 1 year yesterday. I did give the anonymous gift card to my MC for another betrayed spouse, and that felt great. Then I had a massage and spent time at the dog park. Surviving a year without murdering any of these people was an accomplishment worth celebrating!

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    1. The dog park! Is there a more healing place in the world than the dog park? Watching dogs play, just drinking in every smell, every butt, every sound -- totally in the moment. Complete lack of self consciousness. Just being.
      I love that you don't "work nearly as hard". Being ourselves shouldn't be work. And if it, that's our first clue that maybe we're doing something wrong. In the immortal words of my mom, "just show up". That's enough. To those for whom it's not enough, that's another clue that they're the wrong person for us.

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  3. Wow Elle - another post that moved me to tears and touched my heart. So much of what you said I was sitting here saying YES! That is me! YES - I have felt that! YES - I thought I was in control. YES - if I could just do this, say this, be this it would keep me from getting hurt! Surrender - what a new concept and one that feels freeing. Feels like where I need to focus. Feels like what I need. It is hard....each day hurts. Some more, some less. But I am learning I have to let go of the anger and blame towards everyone - husband, OW, my parents, his parents, my past, MYSELF. Thank you for this. Thank you for all of this. 13 months out from Dday after husband's long term EA...I had hoped it wouldn't hurt so much. Had hoped I could let go of wanting to hear what OW really had to say to me once she "realized" their relationship was wrong. Had hoped to be more healed over the betrayal and the lies my husband told me over and over. Hindered by them working together still, but not impossible to heal. Surrender...my new favorite word. Surrender...I can do this.

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    1. Trying to Heal,
      Yes you can do this. You owe it to yourself to do this. It's counter intuitive but you can move through the pain more easily when you immerse yourself in it -- when you let yourself feel it. It's like pain unacknowledged is ice. Pain acknowledged is water.
      Surrender to it.

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    2. Elle - thank you so much for your kind words. I've got a question - I've been searching on here some but haven't found much yet, but I admit I haven't read many comments yet - but any others out there who have spouses who still work the the affair partner? I am one year out from dday, although I knew for a long time the EA was going on. I won't type it out but husband and I did decided after many long conversations to have him stay put even if the OW didn't move on. Lately though I'm not sure I can keep healing if they continue to work together. But I worry any resentment I feel about them still working together is far less than resentment husband would feel if he left. Probably irrational fear. But - my question - are there any others on this site who are in a similar position? Feeling lonely sometimes. Thanks so much!

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    3. Trying to Heal,
      My husband's affair was with his assistant and she did stay on for a month or so as the company worked to remove her (luckily she had NOT made friends in head office). So I understand that horrible knot-in-stomach feeling about contact.
      Can you and your husband get on the same "team" around this? Is he able to understand the incredible challenge to you to begin to heal and rebuild a marriage when there's this constant reminder of what he did -- that he revealed himself as someone untrustworthy? Is he willing to begin looking for another job? Could he transfer? Is there some scenario in which he can reduce or eliminate contact with her? I'm proposing that you two view this as a problem to your marriage, not just a problem to you, in order that you can approach it together to come up with a solution. And ask him, outright, regarding your fears of his resentment. One of the important things that needs to come out of this is that couples actually talk about what's on their minds, rather than assuming, or guessing or avoiding. He might not feel that way at all. If he does, then try and discuss that without judgement. The more you two can listen to each other's feelings without trying to change them, or assuming blame for them, or resenting them, the better.

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    4. Oh wow, Elle - such great advice. And you are right - what really needs to happen is we talk. We work on this problem together. We have talked about it off and on for the past year, but it wasn't until about a month ago when I felt he was starting to see the pain I was in with them working together. But about as soon as I felt it, he said something this past week about how he wasn't convinced that if they had stopped working together if I would have truly moved forward, or if I would have still had trouble seeing all the positives he was doing, how he was doing all that he said he would do, etc. I do think that you are right - that all too often we assume or guess or avoid rather than talk, REALLY talk about what we are feeling without judgement. It's frustrating - we have been married 20 years, together 27 and you would think it would be easier, but it's not. He has done everything he said he would do - much has changed, he promises he never forgets what happened, what he did, what he promised, and swears that their interactions are work related only. It's just so hard to let go, to surrender, to trust. Working hard every day. Thanks for the support!

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    5. I think a lot of us discover, after years and decades together, that somewhere in there we stopped talking and started assuming we knew what he/she was thinking. But people change. We change. And it's important to be able to be open to their thoughts without feeling threatened by them -- to really listen to each other.
      Who knows whether you would have "moved forward" without them working together. That's not really the point. The point is it was an additional level of pain, an additional hurdle to try and clear. I can only speak about that one month and it was excruciating. I can't imagine day-after-day routine contact. And that's YOUR experience. He doesn't get to speculate on whether it would have ultimately made a difference in whether you'd be here in your healing or there. His job is to listen to you. To allow you space to voice your experience. Yours is to do the same. Not to talk each other out of it, or discount it, or argue against it.
      I'm glad he doesn't forget. He shouldn't. He's being given the chance to not pay for his transgression with the loss of you and his family. That's a pretty good deal.

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    6. We had different issues but the way I explained it to my husband was I felt like things evolved with us. So what was okay on dday, three months out etc does change. In this case it sounds like you have given it an effort but I think it is totally understandable. And I agree approach this as a marriage issue and it does not have to change tomorrow. But talking it over will help. I make sure to acknowledge what my husband is doing well. But what I have said lately is now more than ever I have high expectations for my marriage and if I am putting in this level of effort and he is too I need to be honest about what I need. And I think it is true with being together for so long it is easy to slip back into old habits of communication.

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    7. I think that's completely fair, Hopeful30. I too have higher expectations. I believe that, given what I was asked to forgive or deal with, then he can certainly step up what he's willing to do for the sake of our marriage, or for me.

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    8. Thanks Hopeful 30. Your comment - "...it sounds like you have given it an effort...approach this as a marriage issues and it does not have to change tomorrow..." That really hit me. I tend to think that things have to change RIGHT NOW and when they don't I struggle. Thank you for reminding me that even if it doesn't immediately change, we need to talk about it. And I also agree, like Elle said, that I have higher expectations now. And that scares me sometimes because I feel more is at stake and I really, really don't want to be hurt in that way again. Like all of us. Thanks for the support!

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  4. Elle
    Your posts are always so spot on and keep me thinking! I appreciate your knowledge and kindness so much! I have an email from John M that he posted in finding out part 4, part three is full. I'm not sure if I can find it in the blog but it left me wondering which one of us he was referring to as I really don't remember anything about us bashing our hate on anyone for very long, just as a means of processing through some of it. So I'm not sure who he's concerned for. I'm hoping you can help him out

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    1. H'mmm...I can't find any post in that section from a John M. How did he e-mail you? And what did he say?
      I think some people's version of "hate" is pure projection. In particular, some OW post on the site about our vitriol re. the role they played and it sounds nothing like what we actually say. So I take a lot of that with a grain of salt. I think there's surprisingly little hate on this site, given how angry a lot of us, particularly in the beginning. Would be happy to help him out if you can direct me to his exact post. Thanks!

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    2. I'm going to see if I can copy and paste it as a reply

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    3. Finding Out, Part 4 (3 is full!!...":
      John M has left a new comment on the post "Share Your Story: Finding Out, Part 4 (3 is full!!...":

      If I may add, as a man that has done what your husband has done (and I don't feel good about it now) I do know a few things about how hatred can take control of your life, how it can drag you down to the lowest point in your life and possibly lower. For yourself and only yourself please try and look at what you are doing with that website, posting all the hatred to that other woman. While you have a right to not like her, I truly think it is slowly killing you. Please try to just take it all down, don't let your hatred to her destroy the beauty you have inside yourself. I don't know what your husband sees in the other woman, maybe it's kinky, I don't know but I do know one thing about you, You are a beautiful person like every other lady on here, Don't let his years of deceit destroy that. John

      Post a comment.
      If I may add, as a man that has done what your husband has done (and I don't feel good about it now) I do know a few things about how hatred can take control of your life, how it can drag you down to the lowest point in your life and possibly lower. For yourself and only yourself please try and look at what you are doing with that website, posting all the hatred to that other woman. While you have a right to not like her, I truly think it is slowly killing you. Please try to just take it all down, don't let your hatred to her destroy the beauty you have inside yourself. I don't know what your husband sees in the other woman, maybe it's kinky, I don't know but I do know one thing about you, You are a beautiful person like every other lady on here, Don't let his years of deceit destroy that. John

      Post a comment. John M has left a new comment on the post "Share Your Story: Finding Out, Part 4 (3 is full!!...":

      If I may add, as a man that has done what your husband has done (and I don't feel good about it now) I do know a few things about how hatred can take control of your life, how it can drag you down to the lowest point in your life and possibly lower. For yourself and only yourself please try and look at what you are doing with that website, posting all the hatred to that other woman. While you have a right to not like her, I truly think it is slowly killing you. Please try to just take it all down, don't let your hatred to her destroy the beauty you have inside yourself. I don't know what your husband sees in the other woman, maybe it's kinky, I don't know but I do know one thing about you, You are a beautiful person like every other lady on here, Don't let his years of deceit destroy that. John

      Post a comment.

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    4. That's the best I could copy and paste it wouldn't copy the header but it is the same as the other notification emails I get from the site! Thanks.

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    5. H'mmm...thanks for posting this. I'm not sure who's he referring to either but I do take some issue with a guy who cheated on his wife lecturing any of us on our hatred. I get (and agree with) what he's saying but seriously? Not to ignore "the beauty inside myself" but I kinda want to punch him in the nose. ;)

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    6. Elle
      I'm with you, I had to let go of the hate/angers for her/him in order to return me to what I believe is how I want to live and yes, I wanted to plant my foot in his crotch and find out how much hate he felt for me! Laughing now!

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  5. Oh my gosh, the yielding, the going limp, the wall--yes yes yes..New homework for me. that is brilliant (ladies if you're brand new to this club, I don't think it's possible, it would not have been for me with my personality, but with all the time i have-we have--oh lucky us! what's to lose?) Beautiful analogy or is it metaphor? Beautiful.

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    1. Yeah, those of us do-ers have a bit of trouble with surrender. Feels like giving in or giving up. Feels like the opposite of doing. But you and I both know it works on a level beneath the doing.

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    2. A bit of trouble with surrender is an understatement. I already went out there and surrendered, let go of control, and gave full complete trust to another human being. Complete vulnerability. And this is where I am. So, I find it counter-intuitive and incredibly difficult to surrender control, or the illusion thereof, if you prefer.

      I am certainly blocking the path toward forgiveness and allowing myself to feel for him again. I truly do not know how to do it. For all the reasons that you say, I even question why I should. I'm not in fear of him doing it again, I simply cannot get past the fact that he did it in the first place. I cannot see around it. I cannot imagine a time when I can think of him as a good man again. When my father died and only my mother and I were there with him and saying goodbye, although he was already gone she said "you were a good man". I stood ther crushed with the grief of losing my father, and crushed again because I didn't know how I could ever say the same thing if it were me and my daughter standing there.

      Surrender is terrifying. If you surrender to rising waters, how can you know if you will drown in them or float away on the current?

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    3. Periwinkle,
      Surrender is terrifying. But what I'm suggesting you surrender to isn't so much the relationship or him, but to the agony of betrayal. I think when we try to contain that pain, it comes out, as it seems to be with you, as a caged fury. And contained within that fury is a whole lot of fear. It's the fear that you need to face head on because you'll discover that you're bigger than it is, that you're smarter than it is.
      It might not be a logical thing. You note that you don't honestly think he'll cheat again. You're furious that he cheated in the first place. And fair enough. I'm with you. I can't tell you how disappointed I am that people aren't who I think they should be. They always ALWAYS disappoint me. And that even goes for my own kids. But I've had to realize that's on me. Needing people to be perfect, to be infallible, to never make mistakes, especially big hurtful ones, is MY problem. It's about my fears.
      And I suspect that's what's behind your resistance to healing. Admitting that your husband made a colossal mistake but that he can still be worthy of your love is a big leap for you.
      And I suspect that leap begins by trying to extend even the teensiest bit of compassion for him. I'm curious too -- are you able to extend compassion to yourself when you screw up? Can you forgive yourself when you say something hurtful or do something stupid or make a mistake? Compassion for ourselves is where we start. And then we extend it outwards. The day I was able to accept that, if I had lived my husband's life, I might have done what he did, was the day our marriage began to heal. The day I was able to accept that the OW wasn't a monster but a screwed up woman willing to sacrifice dignity for attention - in other words, the day I was able to extend a sliver of compassion to her - was the day she lost her power over me.
      Was your father perfect? I doubt it. But that doesn't mean he wasn't a "good man". How your husband responds to this massive mistake he's made will determine, in part, whether he's a "good man". You don't have to stick around for that. Leaving your marriage is a viable option. But if you think it's worth fighting for, if you can imagine that, despite your husband's deep betrayal of you, that he's a "good man", then give it a chance.
      One more thing: It's possible that you're experiencing post-trauma, which is surprisingly common among betrayed spouses. If you're not in therapy, you might want to find someone. I ended up doing something called EMDR (you can read about it on the Web or on this site), which is a post-trauma therapy. It was incredibly helpful.
      And Periwinkle? If you surrender to the rising waters, my guess is you're going to realize you can swim.

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    4. Oh, Elle, thank you so much for that beautiful response! I am working with this concept. I am trying mindfulness meditation and Buddhist philosophy. It is so against my nature, but I am trying. I want to recommend an app to anyone who is interested: Insight meditation. In particular I love the guided meditations given by Sarah Blondin (Live Awake). She is incredible, and her meditations are much like your posts: spot on, and exactly what I need when I need it. Thanks you ❤️

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    5. Elle, your comments above are timely for me today. That feeling of being disappointed by people I expected more from... the tendency to be harder on myself than I need to... the lack of self-compassion. I know for a fact I would never say the things I say to myself to someone else going through this.
      My therapist recommended we try EMDR again to try to extricate myself from some of the triggers and hurt. We had tried it briefly in conjunction with regular session, butI had my first full session of it yesterday. What strikes me most is that so much of my hurt has been tied to my beliefs about what my husband's actions said about me. Even though I know logically that it was his issues and not mine that caused the affair. There's still that deep down belief that I've never been enough and for me it's mainly in regard to physical appearance. With some encouragement, we traced it back to as early as 15 or 16 when I had my first serious boyfriend. I had a vivid memory of a photo of a friend and I at a swimming pool during that time. I remember the smile on my face in the photo, smiling to cover the fact that I hated the way I looked in my bathing suit. I sat in her office and cried yesterday for that young girl who never felt thin enough and for the things I wish she had known. Things I have to work on telling myself now. I'm fine just as I am. Maybe I'm even better than fine.
      It was hard but it was enlightening. I slept well last night for the first time in a long time.

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    6. When u resist the current and waves you tire. When you panic you drowned. Sitting idle being calm you realize even if you can't swim fast you can doggy paddle to a rock or float on your back until you figure it out. PERIWINKLE YOU CAN DO THIS, compassion isn't forgiving it's releasing yourself and compassion can start with something small you don't have to dive in agreed the water can feel cold so dangle your toes in bafirst.grg

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    7. I need to muse for a moment on the meaning of "good man". Of course my father wasn't perfect, but perfection isn't required to be a good person. But he was always dedicated to us with every resource he had, whether his love, encouragement, praise or finances. One of his last acts was to move closer to my family, when he really wanted to go to a retirement type community. He knew my mother wanted to be near us, so at the last minute he changed the plan and bought a house near us, where he died unexpcteslt one month later. I think he felt it coming, and he wanted my mother to have our support. He was a good man. And if my mother who spent 56 years with him could say that at the end, I know it to be true all the more.

      I never asked for my husband to be perfect, nor do I expect that from myself. But I did expect him to be true.

      Where I get stuck is not knowing whether I will fully be able to allow him back into "good man" status. Or whether his only chance at that is to start over with someone else. I don't know the answer to that yet.

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    8. Dandelion, Wow. Now you've got ME crying. So SO often, when our response to a situation seems out of proportion to the situation or when we can't seem to move past a specific pain, it's because we're still holding on to "old" stuff. And those early life experiences have deep roots.
      I think a lot of us had a similar experience. My friend and I used to have this theory (that I haven't thought about in ages) that women are all really just 14 years old when we look in the mirror. I see absolutely gorgeous women who still think of themselves as ugly or awkward or invisible. Similarly I see women who aren't great looking (but who were the popular hot girls in high school) who think they're all that. We should ALL think we're all that -- no matter where we fit on the popular/hot spectrum as teens. I'm glad you gave EMDR a go and hope it dislodges this old pain to make room for healing.

      And Periwinkle, I think there are many women in your situation. Where a partner's betrayal changes how they feel about him permanently. As you note, it's something to think about. But if you decide that you can't or aren't interested in seeing whether he can be a "good man", then you owe it both of you to move on. As we so often say, there isn't a "right" response to this. You, ultimately, live with your choice so it has to feel right for you no matter whether others think you're being too harsh or not harsh enough.

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    9. Periwinkle, every word you wrote echoes every thought and struggle in my own head. I feel all of that right along side of you! I listened to a pod cast on YouTube that was quite eye opening in regards to forgiving infidelity. It was 7 steps to achieve forgiveness. The one that spoke the loudest (more like a trumpet in my eardrum!) was that we may be holding back forgiveness as a means to regain control. All of this horrible experience and aftermath of our husbands decisions are out of our control. And in order for us to regain some control of our lives, we hold onto the forgiveness card. Nail on the head for me! Now, doesn't mean I have been able to move forward with forgiveness, because of course I like having a piece of control. I can at least acknowledge what I am doing. Now, in comes Elle's post...oh so timely as I am trying to release the control in order to reach forgiveness. The finding compassion is also the key to forgiveness as Elle says so eloquently. In my situation, my husband just overcame a serious health issue in which he had a cancer scare and then developed a massive infection from the surgery and was bedridden for a month. At the same time, is OW was being left by her husband and getting a divorce. Even though I am the one who nursed him back to health, she became the one he emotionally leaned on and vice versa. Now, this tastes like vinegar to say, but I can see the perfect storm that led to the affair happening. But sucking it up and extending the compassion is still a struggle for me (circle back to my earlier point about holding control to withhold forgiveness). I am starting to see that this whole healing process is not linear but more my chain links. Each link is a step in the process that you have to work on which takes us to the next link, and each link is dependent on the ones that came before and the links yet to come in order to reach our destination.

      Also, I too have been suffering greatly from PTSD. I have looked into the EMDR, but I also got started on an antidepressant which is helping immensely! Medication is not for everyone, but I am doing much better than a couple weeks ago!

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    10. Fight Like a Girl, It is a process. Your analogy of chain links is apt. I'm glad you reached out and got help for the PTSD. Dealing with post-trauma is almost impossible without help. It's like a huge boulder in our path. Glad you're doing better.

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    11. Dandelion
      I'm not so different from you in regards to 'not good enough'! My mother put that painful idea in my head since I was about 6 years old... but I spent my life over coming that...or so I thought! I was one of those too skinny, too 'mousy' teens until I met my first real boyfriend...the one that became my h five years from the time we met! He's the one that truly helped rebuild my self esteem during the early years of our relationship! I was dealing with being called Olive Oil, in the middle school years and this made me so compassionate towards my best friends at the time, the girls they called 'fatty'...what I've learned from my years of education in psychology, it that I'm no different than the other people who I was studying about! I'm 'human' and so are they...We humans are like that we make mistakes...sometimes we learn from them and sometimes it takes more than one bad choice to really learn. My h is like that...it took many bad choices to find his way back to what he thought he was and should be and like me he too is a work in progress! This betrayal brings back pain from many years ago and makes it feel fresh again until we can process and finally let it go! Hugs. Keep moving forward my brave sister!

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    12. Thanks, Elle and Theresa! It's hard wading through all the stuff that's been pushed down for so long. But honestly, getting it out has been so good for me.

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  6. Hi guys .. not really related to this subject but just wanted to put this out there.. went out for dinner with another couple recently, we haven't seen the couple since d day 2 which was is a year this month.the couple know about what my h did as I told them. Anyhow the affair was brought up by the couple and they both warned my h about how 'lucky' he was to have me and the kids and for having a second chance. Yes my h must have felt like a dick and embarrassed and chose to sit their quiet which is fine but I really do wonder if this man really gets to grip with just how deeply fucking lucky he is, not sure he does or he even understands the depths of his actions.. maybe if he doesn't take it serious it wasn't serious therefore could be tempted to stray again.. I mean people have been murdered for having affairs mostly women as men can't take the fact that women could cheat on them hence why betrayal is so serious. I don't know ladies it baffles me sometimes how understanding I am, we are as women. Anyhow I've decided that if my h really doesn't want another child then I'll either go for a sperm donor which I know he won't like but I want a child and I feel like if he can't/won't give me one he can piss of there are other means.. he went and got what he wanted TWICE he was a selfish basterd now it's my turn to get what I want, what I really want.. so either he partakes or he doesn't his choice I'll just have to look at other options lol.. had a bit of a wake up call today like why the hell am I sitting here and waiting for him to decide whether we have a baby or not .. the story continues I'll keep you informed : ) xx

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    1. Sam A,
      H'mmm...while I completely understand wanting a baby and feeling as though you should damn well get whatever you want after his betrayal, I'm not convinced that bringing a baby into a situation this fraught is the best thing for anyone, especially the baby.
      Are you two in any sort of counselling? Strikes me that there's a lot to unpack in what's happening. His genuine feelings about what he did and why, his thoughts on your marriage now (and yours, too, of course) and what "gratitude" for this second chance means to him. And then, when you two are committed to really shoring up the foundation of your relationship, might be time to talk about a baby. By all means, have a baby on your own if that's more important to you than your marriage -- that's entirely reasonable and your choice. But if your marriage matters to you, I suspect proceeding to get pregnant without your husband's cooperation is tossing something of a grenade into your marriage.

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    2. SamA
      I'm only going to send you a hug and hope that you're in therapy with your h! I'm also sending a prayer for the possible baby! She/he stands to gain a lot of love but it could come with lots more than just love! I'm sure your h being unwilling has to be painful for you!

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    3. I know I'm being unreasonable to some degree and thank you Elle and Theresa for your reply.. made me realise just how angry I was earlier today. I'm ok now I said (by text) what I needed to say Didn't get much of a reply, nothing new there though.. he's probably gonna stay at his own place tonight as it's easier to stay clear whilst the dust settles it's what he does never solves anything. It is painful Theresa sometimes I just want him to be a little more grateful .. thanks xx

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  7. I just founf out Saturday morning. When she showed up at my house to tell me. Trying to make me leave him. And the day before my anniversary. I felt off for the past 2 weeks. I knew something was up. I just never imagined... bit I tried to do more. Control more. I'm trying to surrrender to it. This blog has helped so much. Ever since Saturday when I googled, "how to forgive a cheating husband." Thank you so much.... thank you.

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    1. Oh Anonymous, I'm so sorry. You must still be reeling. The most important thing you can do right now is take care of yourself. Try and eat. Sleep, even if you need to take a melatonin or sleep aid. Find yourself a counsellor who can support you and help you through. I'm so glad you found us. The women here have been where you are, we know your pain and we can promise you that you will get through this.

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    2. Anonymous
      I'm so sorry you had to find us here but I'm glad you did! This is probably the most painful thing anyone if us had to live through! Please take care of you! It's the hardest thing to do! Every time I tried to eat those early months it tasted like cardboard and then nausea would set in! I too found out from his ow but she texted me pretty much that entire day. She had tried to tell me once before when I met her in person while my h was still playing volleyball but all she really said was what a good friend he had been when she was going through her nasty divorce. I'm not about to tell you how to get through the next weeks most likely it will depend upon your h but I can tell you therapy helps when you're ready. For now just take comfort that you're not alone for each of us know what that pain and disappointment feels like and we're here to help you through one day at a time and one hug at a time!

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    3. Anonymous, I am so sorry you have been treated like that. I assume because you googled "how to forgive..." that your CH has ended the A and asked for your forgiveness? You are in a safe place on this blog.

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