The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
And back up...and back up...and back up. Isn't that the truth? I come here daily and read a lot, but I've been a bit more quiet lately. Just trying to get back up again and again...and mainly quiet my mind. It's really been hitting me lately that we just have this one life to live...and I get to decide how that goes. I struggle sometimes with choices I have made - boundaries I didn't set or gave up on, or really owning my decision to stay. I'm trying to let that go...today on my husband's birthday - trying to just live, be in the moment and quiet the mind. I did an Enneagram test a while back to find out more about myself and I get daily e-mails to learn about my type and today's really hit where I am... "Type 2 - Today, engage your Thinking Center to develop the inner guidance of a QUIET MIND. This will bring balance to your Feeling Center and your ability to relate effectively to others." This is so me - my mind goes 100 miles an hour, ALL.DAY.LONG. And it is wearing me out. Trying to allow myself more quiet times. Hugs ladies!
Great to have you back Jules, xx
Jules I can relate to the 100 mile an hour mind...mine sometimes runs into the night as well but I’m learning how to do breathing exercises that put me back to sleep...
I agree, we keep getting back up. Each time a little stronger, wiser and more resolute toward what we want.
I hate the rollercoaster of emotions you get even after 2 years. It feels like you are doing great and then something you read hits you in the stomach and it feels like you are starting all over again. Each time you get back up feeling a little stronger. I totally hate the feeling but, I also know that it's temporary and will be better down the road.
I got some bad news from a dear friend today that applies to this hug. My friend just found out she's lost her second baby in a row at 12 weeks. I was honored that she called me first (before her mom even). She did this because I sat with her in her pain last time. Just sat with her without running from it or "fixing". I can only do this because of the pain I've experienced (that she knows nothing about). She will get up again, but she's down right now. I'm grateful I know what to do to assist. One thing about being down... when you're down, face down in the dirt, don't forget to look around and check out the faces of the people down there with you. They are others who have gained (or are gaining) incredible strength that came from terrible pain and they can help you up! For me, those faces include all of you. So thanks!
Ann,I'm so sorry for your friend. But glad that she has you for support. And kudos to you for being able to just be with her in her pain without trying to "fix" it. That's hard to do because it means sitting with our own discomfort and pain too. And that's so true re. seeing those who are down too. It happens to all of us and when we can acknowledge each other and recognize each other's pain, it lifts us all up faster.
Ann, that’s tragic news I’m sorry for your friend. It’s testament to what a good friend you are to have been the first she told. Thinking of you both at this very sad time xx
Hi everyoneLynn here. There are days I wake up asking myself should I stop the divorce proceedings and keep patient despite 2 affairs and his fetish. It seems simpler that way. My family will not isolate me for breaking family tradition of staying married come what may. My son will be happy to see his father daily, us going on holidays and spending weekends together. It has been an extremely lonely and draining journey. There are days I feel I am on top of things but there are days I feel like my life is doomsday. I see couples holding hands: I feel sad. I see family hanging out together: I ache for my son. My son's schoolmates and teachers ask about his father: I feel like the most selfish mum. But I reminded myself I did nothing to deserve his cheatings and fetish. If I could turn back time, I wish I had left before we even got married...
Oh Lynn, I know how hard it is to put a value on your own wants and needs. But here's the thing: Taking care of yourself and living a life that aligned with your values isn't "selfish" at all. It's the only authentic way to live. Sacrificing yourself to make other people comfortable only makes a mockery of the life YOU were given. They get to make their own choices about how they choose to live. They do NOT get to choose for you. Love conditional on you "behaving" isn't love at all. It's control. But yes, I can imagine the pain you have around the impact on your son. Again, try to imagine what you would tell him should he find himself in similar circumstances. Can you imagine telling him that he needs to stay in a marriage that hurts because YOU want him to? Can you imagine telling him to stay because his children want him to? I suspect not. You love your son and that is the most important thing. You will do everything you can to support him as he deals with the pain of his parents' separation. Life is sometimes hard. That's just the truth. But having someone who is modelling how to live with integrity and to live within their own values is powerful. Far better than watching your mother become a shell of who she really is because she's living a lie. Give your son permission to be who he authentically is by showing him how it's done. One final thought: The right thing isn't always the easy thing. I'm not saying one way or the other whether you should stay or go. I am saying that you owe it to yourself to create a life that makes you feel alive.
Lynn I’ve just started divorce proceedings and I question myself daily about whether I am doing the right thing, I guess this is normal given the huge decision we are making. if your h wants this divorce to stop he will do everything in his power to stop it but equally if he doesn’t you know you have made the right decision for you and your son. I have to keep telling myself that we are not right for each other, I try not to hate on him and think of all the things he’s don’t to me in the last 15 years as that gets me no where, I just simply tell myself we are two different people who want different lives. I give myself time to think about it and days when I don’t as it will literally do my head in. Lynn can you talk to a trusted friend? anyone who’s been through a divorce will understand the agony your going through, I’ve told a few people so I alternate between them I always feel a little guilty putting on them but I know I’d do the same for them. To be honest lynn I feel like I’m divorced already just not with the papers, it takes a long time to get to where we are, we’ve tried everything possible and feel like there’s no other option hence why we are going down the divorce route. Your much stronger than you think lynn. Keep coming here for support. Xx
Part 1I go therapy on an as needed basis now, tune-ups. I learned at therapy how I knock myself down so I wanted to share it. She gave me a resentment, avoidance and suffering diary. The big one which I didn't realize was resentment. These are parts of the article from Mark Sichel Resentment refers to the mental process of repetitively replaying a feeling, and the events leading up to it that goads or angers us. We don't replay a cool litany of facts in resentment; we re-experience and relive them in ways that affect us emotionally, physiologically, and spiritually in very destructive ways.Although resentments may be provoked by recent, specific angry conflicts between two people, they usually encapsulate an enmity that goes much further back. Your parent, child, sibling or partner may accuse you of a recent snub or slight but the venom is more than likely fueled by years of other imagined or real episodes of disrespect or disregard. The strong reaction of resentment almost never appears to be warranted by what sets it off. It's always the product of a long history of backed-up unhappiness.What we feel people did to us that was unnecessarily mean, hurtful, and thoughtless. What people in our lives did not do for us that we feel they should have done.When we feel the people in our lives have not done enough for us.Resentments embody a basic choice an unwillingness to let bygones be bygones and bury the hatchet. We review and rehash our painful past, even as we profess to want to let go of it. We do so because we believe the illusion that by belaboring our resentment, we will somehow achieve the justice we believe we are due. We cling to a futile need to be "right," which overrides the capacity to heal and be at peace with ourselves. We hang on to perceived offences because we don't know any other way of coming to grips with painful feelings of hurt, rejection, and abandonmentThe moment you start to resent a person, you become his slave. He controls your dreams, absorbs your digestion, robs you of your peace of mind and goodwill, and takes away the pleasure of your work. He ruins your religion and nullifies your prayers. You cannot take a vacation without his going along. He destroys your freedom of mind and hounds you wherever you go. There is no way to escape the person you resent. He is with you when you are awake. He invades your privacy when you sleep. He is close beside you when you drive your car and when you are on the job. You can never have efficiency or happiness. He influences even the tone of your voice. He requires you to take medicine for indigestion, headaches, and loss of energy. He even steals your last moment of consciousness before you go to sleep. So, if you want to be a slave, harbor your resentments!"
Wow LLP. That's intense. But rings true.It's like my former therapist would remind me: When your response to something seems out of proportion, it's always about old stuff. And, like most things, she was right. Thanks for this!
LLP this is awesome...i am so interested in research that explains naturally what i have come to understand spiritually. What troubled me for so long was how do you let go of your resentments?My preacher said today in church... we must forgive with forgetfulness. That statement really struck me. I realized i am at peace when I forgive with forgetfulness. If I hold onto a memory in my head of what I know happened I am ready to bite his head off at anything I see as inadequate. When I dont dwell in thoughts of the affair... when it is forgotten and i live in the present and not the past, I am happiest and most at peace. The saying "i will forgive but never forget" did not help me... because remembering trapped me in the past. It's not as if memories don't or won't come up... they will... but it's is more like I just toss them out as quick as they come and dont give into tempation to sit with them - i remind myself that they Are forgiven and move on. I'm not perfect obviously and I dwell sometimes but it never turns out good. Never. Forgiving with forgetfulness was what had worked for me... what I heard today just put it perfectly into words that i can now hang onto.Another thing he said today that really struck me was that God has not given us permission to hate. I thought wow. That is true. Then why do I hate? Because I rationalize it. "Well they did this to me so I can hate them"... nope. I will suffer more if I choose this path. The last bit of peace for me came when I realized I could not even hate the OW. That was a shocker. And I came to this idea that I cannot judge another even if they have really hurt me. I cannot. Because, I do not live in that person's head. And I don't know what I would have done if I was in there shoes. This was taught to me by stillstanding1 post about being the cheater... it was like the last piece of my puzzle. We are all imperfect and I want others to forgive me with forgetfulness ( my bad deeds not brought up again and again) and I think it is also best for me if I don't live in resentment and forgive with forgetfulness for others that have hurt me.Lots of love friends.Blindsided.
Wow, LLP. That is intense and rings true for me. I"m going to copy and paste this into my own little reminder. Now, for your next lesson, tell us how to take resentments and throw them into the incinerator. You would make an amazing therapist.
LLP, I think I have become resentful by this explanation. So how do you treat it?
A lot of this resonates with me. Personally I am not a person of faith, church or god. However much of what you talk about reminds me of Gottman's work. So much of what you write about he touches on. I have also been known to say more than once I wish I could erase some of what I know. It is hard. But I find I have to try to forget and focus on the present and future. For me if I think about it then I question why am I with my husband. He even feels the same and will think why would I stay with him. If you think logically it just does not make sense.My husband is a huge proponent of what they call corrective emotional experience. And this is a repeated effort. But especially related to a bad memory. Or say on an anniversary, birthday or holiday. Either go to the same place and talk about what we can do different for say a vacation or for something like an anniversary we now do something totally different. And with repeated replacement we then have a new memory/outlook/perspective. The older bad memories/triggers have faded for me. We do talk about this all a lot. I am very honest with him why something might bother me. It can be very simple but by talking about it then it is out in the open. We then come up with a plan of what to do different. It has helped me/us a lot.
Hopeful 30 I love this idea of corrective emotional experience. Its something I think that really works. You are writing better stuff over the bad stuff. Like when I go places associated with a bad moment or memory, I am reclaiming that place for myself. Example, was my vacation to Maine this past year. We had gone to a lake as a group with his extended family and kids, cousins. The last time we went, his affair at least emotionally was well under way and he was a total ass to me. In hindsight I put this together and felt like the place had been "ruined" for me. But when me and the kids were panning a vacation, they really wanted to go back. And I decided I'd be damned if I was going to let his BS ruin such a great place for me and them. So I found a nicer place to stay, on the other side of the lake and we had an amazing time. The place is 100% mine again. And I started new traditions around the holidays, which includes my dday 1. Its been very empowering to reclaim those days and events. I think in some ways since I am reclaiming these dates and places on my own, I don't have that pain in my face in quite the same way. I suspect it might be harder to reclaim in that way when the bitter sweet reason for doing so is standing there with you. However, this feels to me like it could be both incredibly healing and bonding for you both.
SS1, Yes exactly! I love hearing that is working for you too. I am one that has a strong memory and feel things strongly. I will say it helps since my husband is a huge advocate for this method. He sees this work every day with his patients too. For us we talk about it and what bad feelings there are around an experience or holiday. Or it can be that someone specific, a friend will be around. By talking about it together and being aware at least or having a plan like you said staying somewhere new that has helped us. It adds to that we are on the same team feeling. It has been very powerful!
Wow LLP. That is so true! I don’t want that for me. I don’t want the ow to be that for me! That hit Home hard! I am the one that my ow was my best friend. And yes I was abused as a child and the affair brought up all those horrible feelings about myself! But I am learning to let it all go. I thought I had done that until the affair and then all the resentment and other feelings came full force! Thank you so much for your post! I am learning so much from you wonderful broken amazing women!!!
Browneyed girl, I don't have a good answer. But what I thought were triggers was just resentment. I just realized this makes me miserable carrying around resentments. For me a trigger is directly related to the affair. So I'm trying to give up the resentments, just give them up and lay them down. I think it is hard to come to grips when something terrible happens, then another terrible happens, then another terrible happens. Why wouldn't the natural reaction be to resentful? But I'm trying so hard to keep getting better, stronger in my mind. Time is going by fast, too fast. At this point I don't want to waste a second on resentment that somebody else did something bad or wrong. Why should I waste my time resenting something somebody else did? During my resentment phases this year I said terrible things to my husband. I told him there was a reason why the first two girls he wanted to marry dumped him. What did they see that I didn't? Ok, that is not me to say stuff like that. That is poison to my soul and I need to stop it.
LLP, you speak to my soul. Your post led me to the author's web site and I've spent a little time reading what he wrote. There is so much that lurks beneath the surface of my life experiences and therapy will hopefully address those with talk and EMDR. I clearly have a lot of resentment and maybe all the things I see and hear that are triggers are really deep resentment that my husband, the man I finally trusted with my heart, was nothing more than a broken human being trying to be what he wanted to be while dealing with his own demons. He does not deal well with stress. Sex with himself or anyone else alleviated the stress he could not handle well. Then he hated himself but clearly not enough to talk or tell me until he thought he had AIDS. We are potentially facing some major stressful medical times ahead and even if the things we are aware of turn out not to be major stressors, there will always be something that is a major stress in his/our lives. We talk about that and I've told him that if he finds himself unable to deal with stress in healthier ways, we just need to split up. He believes that now that he is aware of how he dealt with stress he won't do it again. Only time will tell but I do not want to feel this resentment. My chest hurts. My heart aches. I have a long way to go to stand in your shoes, LLP, but that is my goal. I want to reclaim so many things but I'm simply not there yet. I will not give up. I am able to have such good days among the bad. Much love to you LLP. I look forward to getting/receiving a hug from you in person.
llp I’m guilty of saying awful words in moments of resentment, but that doesn’t define who we are. We’re reacting to hurt that has been inflicted upon us. Yes we can learn to react differently because like you said llp the only soul were poisoning is our own.. we are work in progress xx