Wednesday, May 9, 2018

Wednesday Word Hug: Rock Bottom


  1. I really missed everyone. I was taking a bucket trip for a month with the internet coming and going. I did journal and think about everyone here, how they were doing and I missed everyone. Rock bottom is what happened to me. On rebuilding my life I wished I had done a few things differently, looking back. In hindsight - I wished would have given my H 2 months to turn around. Two solid months without justifications. Two months of no lapses of gaslighting. Two months no lapses of lies. Two months for full disclosure. I often jumped at the least little bit of encouragement from him that he was remorseful. I wish hadn’t jumped. This shows consistency and the ability to change quickly. I wish made it clear If he could not stick to these things then chances are slim for a true marriage recovery.

    I wished I had not given a damn if I made him angry. Scared he would leave me. A remorseful cheater isn’t going to leave me just because he caught me snooping or doing something he doesn’t feel like is necessary for me to heal. When he still was lying he would get all up in arms, get really defensive, raise his voice. I wished I bought a book on how to tell when someone is lying.

    I wish I had decided my boundaries and made it clear. I thought I decided my minimum boundaries but I really didn’t and I didn’t stick to it. I had a lot of needs and wants but those weren’t minimum boundaries. No wishy-washy. Minimums were no contact. Transparency. Therapy. No lies. Full disclosure. I caved in on lies and full disclosure. When I found out he lied big time. I called a divorce attorney. My therapist was pro marriage so she talked me out of it, because honestly I knew I would not be happy without him looking five years out.

    I wish I had gotten ready to fight. Don’t mess around. If I needed antidepressants get them. If I needed a tummy tuck get one. If I need to update my wardrobe do it. Can’t sleep Igot sleep aids. Hell yes do whatever you need. You are at war for your marriage. Don't mambey-pambey, wished-washey around. Vent away.

    When I kicked him out, I wish I stuck to it. I wish I hadn’t text him to get my fix. To check up on him. I wish I had been stronger. I’m not here to make his life easier. I’m not going to pick up the emotional slack.

    When I wish I turned on the defogger full blast, if he hadn’t turned around then I should have filed for divorce.

  2. Rock bottom everything. Someone ask is porn harmful. Here was the reply. Pornography is an AP in itself. You are sharing sexually with someone that isn't your spouse. That is infidelity. You promised to remain monogamous with your spouse, that means sharing yourself only with your spouse. When you look at pornography, you are looking at other naked women. This will leave your wife feeling violated. When she married you, she expected you would only be looking at her body. Only, this AP is always available. This AP never goes away. This AP is ready when you are. You can't send a NC letter to this AP. This AP will follow you everywhere you go. You can't escape it. And everywhere your spouse looks, society has placed your AP on a pedestal, one that your wife will have to face every day. Wondering why she wasn't good enough. Why her body can't be enough for you. Why you would choose another woman over her. Porn is not harmless. Porn is infidelity. In my mind, this is a wayward husband.

  3. One last one, Is the AP a bad person? Remember H you were an AP too. If I was walking down a street and I noticed a house that had the front door open, would it be OK for me to walk in and use the bathroom, make myself a meal, take a shower, take a nap, put on some clothes, as long as the homeowner did not catch me? I mean, the door was open - that means it’s OK to walk in their home, right? No, I would be trespassing into some family’s home and life. That is the OW.

    I learned the comparison with the OW is a rigged game I can never win. She accepted the very worst parts of my H. His actions are lower than low, but that’s okay with her. She’s accepts a deceitful liar, because she is trash. She took so much from me but NEVER got all of his heart, all of his time, his ring on her finger or his children.

    I have to keep reminding myself, I look great. I can be fun. I can be sexy. I can remember asking my sister, Am I a good person? I have to stop comparing me to the OW who is separated and selfish. I’m better than that. If my H doesn’t love me because I let myself go for many valid reasons, what a shallow asshole I married. He didn’t appreciate on the other hand; I didn’t run up credit cards, I contributed to our income, I am a good mother, I wasn’t an alcoholic. I didn’t compromise my morals. That is his loss.

    Don’t compare, he affaired down. Way down. Subterranean type down.

    And guess who was a sobbing pile of snot, begging for forgiveness, telling me he was going to kill himself, willing to do anything so I wouldn’t leave? Yes my ass hole of the universe. ME, the nagging, no sex, let yourself go, you don’t appreciate me, you don’t care about me, your hypercritical wife.

    Let me count the ways.....

    Messy - check
    Liar - check
    Crouch hound - check
    Dim bulb -check
    Looking for the next shot between her legs - check Con-faker - check
    Psycho - check
    Shoplifter - check
    On line man shopper - check
    Family disowned her - check
    Dirty house - check
    STD - check
    Friends with Benefits - check

    The way he talked, I thought she would look beautiful, sexy,alluring but she is more like a cross between Rhea Pearlman, Janet Rheno and Camilla Parker-Bowles - DOUBLE AFFAIR DOWN CHECK.

    1. LLP.
      Your top paragraph, the analogy of the other women and breaking and entering, is spot on.
      And you are right - they are just trash.
      Gabby xo

  4. It will be two years next month and I don't think there was a rock bottom. There were very low moments, deep depression, triggers that still come out of nowhere. Then there are moments of regeneration, happiness and strength I never knew was possible. But thankfully most days I am able to go about my business without feeling like a crazy person.

    I have scheduled the Dday anniversary as a day off from work. Not to cry or rage, it is just that nothing good happens on that day. On my way to work last year, I was hit from behind at a red light. I guess my house could collapse on me, but I can have a day just to myself and my dogs.

  5. I’m done with rock bottom! I’m finally after all this time beginning to feel normal again and I’m more capable of explaining what I’m feeling and for sure what I’m expecting from my h!

  6. llp looooooooooool ..I’ve missed you so much!!!! When I’m feeling blue I’m gonna come back and read this I literally laughed my ass off : ) xx



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