Thursday, May 24, 2018

How our childhood survival strategies can get in the way


  1. These days, I zombied through my life. My son is the only human capable of eliciting true emotions from me. Sincere and deep love I have for my son. For the others, even my own siblings, it is more of obligation.

    This post speaks of me. There are many days I question God for putting me through not 1 but 2 betrayals. I start all over again going down. Screaming it is unfair! There is so much I can stomach. I deserve freedom and happiness. Yes, my brisk walk and meditation help but I am far from rebirth.
    Sad but true, I entertain lots of thoughts about H being dead so I get my closure and be released from the shackles and imprisonment. At least with him dead, my son will truly accept it is just the 2 of us.
    Then I get reminded of a prayer: Trust God. He will be with the patient and every trial is to strengthen you.
    So...I choose rebirth. My happiness is my own. Do not let anyone rain on my parade, ANYMORE.


    1. Hi Lynn
      I think all us BW have had thoughts of wishing our husbands would drop off the face of this earth, I know I certainly have.
      I just don't get how my h can be still breathing and here on this earth when there are so many good people being taken. I have a few good friends who have cancer, and I question all the time how this can happen to them, to good people, yet asshole h just gets to sail through life inflicting damage and not caring and not being accountable for it.
      I'm glad with your rebirth and ensuring you have your happiness - you are so deserving of that....and yes. Our children are deserving of true deep love that all of us selfless mums give to them, and it's so nice having that love given back by our kids.
      The true joy in my life. My children.
      Gabby xo

    2. Lynn,
      I spent a lot of months just wishing my husband had died. It felt so much neater than the messiness of infidelity. And then he wound up in the hospital which what they thought was a heart attack -- turned out to be an infection around his heart. And I began just listening to his heart beat at night when he was sleeping, so grateful to still have him. The universe called my bluff. ;)

  2. Lynn I remember a few months ago asking god to help me to get me out of this mess I Am in with my h, take him away from me.. a few months later I filed for divorce and I’m weeks away from it being finalised. Looking back I don’t know where I got the strength from to take that step but I’m pretty sure god heard me and gave me the strength to do it and he’s continued to walk by my side every day since. I truly believe god knows best and when the time is right you will remove them shackles And you will be free, please believe me when I say that. There comes a time in every body’s life that we draw a line, we say enough is enough and we take hold of our life’s because we matter, we deserve peace. I pray you get your peace lynn, you and your son together. Thinking of you xxx

  3. I love Brene Brown. Her wisdom is amazing. Lynn I had to turn everything over to God as did my h after his suicide attempt. He went through a lot of counseling too. We ended up moving across the country to start over but believe me it wasn't easy. I ended up in a job where the women were just as bad if not worse then what I had experienced with with the OW and her friends. I walked all the time, my h and I started hiking in the mountains here. I did guided meditations and read. Peace after almost three years is slowly coming back and its getting better each day. Sometimes this site can be a godsend but other times I feel like it can also throw you back into the pain that you are trying to escape and then you have to look deeper into yourself to find the answers you are looking for. My h isn't a sex addict, or has had multiple affairs. He was on medication that messed up his brain and had no sleep for almost two weeks straight. How he survived driving an hour and a half from job to job and and just being able to function I will never know. I think God protected him that way. I remember sitting up all night long after I kicked him out, knowing he was with her, sitting on the stairs staring out the window, asking God to bring him back home. He came home the next day asking for forgiveness, crying and not sure how the hell this all happened. He too had been up all night wondering what the hell he had done to his family. In the mean time she was posting on Facebook how she had a new boyfriend and described my husband. He found out later when he told her that he had nothing to offer her, never wanted this, didn't understand how it all happened, she told him that she planned the whole thing and shrugged it off like it was nothing. My h had to threaten her with a restraining order to get rid of her so that we could move on and heal. Their affair was at the most 10 days long but she had been planning this, with the help of her friends, from the start of when we started all working together which was about 3 1/2 months. In time you too will find the peace you are looking for. God has different plans for all of us. One thing that I did do through all of this once I got to NM. I started listening to Joel Osteen. I know he may not be everyone's cup of tea but, his messages seemed to help me. I listened to him everyday when I was walking my dog. I hope you find what you are looking for in terms of helping you become a better you. This was just my experience with betrayal and how I coped and started to heal.

  4. Love is a choice to make every day. It is not a requirement or a given even, unconditional has limitation that you can set. Im just over the 3 year mark and this summer i can finally say something has shifted its still there sure but not front and center i deserve happiness and i can make each day what i want and i days it creeps back in i can now sit with it and then do again what i want this is first time in years i dont feel im just doing bare minimum i just got house in order, spent days tending my yard and let the fam know this summer i have plans to finally try and enjoy and relax ... whatever that means to me. My self care if front and center and staying in the present helps a great deal ... the past i cant change and the future is not truly in our control so why not just stay in today and make the most of it ... doing what i want to and even feeling some happy along the way ...i hope to pass some happy onto everyone of my warrior sisters you deserve it ... we all do.

    1. Wounded,
      That is such great news! I'm so glad that you've arrived in that place where your prioritizing your own joy. Self-care is crucial.



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