The mess behind her was ugly and hurtful but the possibilities which laid before her were beautiful and full of hope. I saw this on instagram and thought it was beautiful.
I sure feel like a mess. My life is more put-together then it ever has been (husband, kids, job, money, house, car) but I still feel like a mess.
WHY?
Its the dinners he made her; the offer to babysit her kids; the renos he helped her with; the dates on the hiking trails; the cuddles on the couch; the messages when he was away from her; the meeting up in our own city and not just hers; the phone call to end it, that wasn't sincere; the lies that he hasn't spoken to her; the leaving us early to be with her; the goofy pictures he sent her; the searching her on social media; the not coming home just to be with her; the Christmas gifts he gave her and none for me; the fact that he wanted to protect her from getting hurt even when she threw him under the bus; the utter refusal to say anything negative about her but just to continue to say he loves me.
So that's it. Life is good, I'm still not - and probably never will be.
I just found out too that I may loose my eye sight. Blah hahah! That will take Blindsided to a whole new meaning! Huge amounts of stress & antidepressants may have contributed to glaucoma I was unaware I had - my eyes are closing with pressure @ just over 30 years of age. Fun stuff.
Buuuut I could still get cancer, my kids could be sick, I could loose my job, I could loose my parents early, my house could burn down ... So many things can go wrong in this life. Where is the happy ending for any of us?? There is none. Its tragic and sad and depressing.
If previous medication may have contributed to any eye degeneration, please check out what dietary recommendations there are for eye health. Your body is strong and will respond. It might slow down or stop the progression. (I have a family history of eye trouble, but am no medical expert.)
Oh Blindsided, My mother almost lost her sight because of glaucoma and I get tested every two years. My mom had to put drops in her eyes, which kept the pressure under control. I hope the doctor's are able to manage your glaucoma. From what I understand, as long as they catch it BEFORE you lose sight, they can usually keep it at bay. But, it sounds as though you need to focus intensely on your health and your stress level. I'm sorry that you're still in the muck of the things he has said. Blindsided, for your sake, since you say "life is good", can you work to let go of who he was and focus on who he is? Can you see change that warrants the second chance you're giving him? Is he gaining any insight into why he made such awful choices, into why he protected her at your expense? I'm glad you're able to see the glass as half-full, even as you're dealing with a medical crisis. And yes, things could be worse. None of us every knows what's coming down the pike. But it's just as possible that good is coming. Betrayal too often conditions us to anticipate bad -- it's the post-trauma part of the betrayal, that keeps us ever vigilant to being blindsided again. And that's where our work lies. To treat that post-trauma. To, as best we can, focus on the now. Right now, you are okay. Right now, your kids are healthy. It's all any of us ever have. Expectations of a "happy ending" are always fantasy.
He won't talk about it and doesn't remember anything - so he says. He answers I dont know without thought to my questions. He loved her and he refuses to even tell me that. He knew she loved him and he refuses to tell me that. He refuses without constant harping and leading to tell me anything truthful. He is a scared pathetic stupid boy.
I bet my 5 foot self could probably beat up his 6 foot body that's how weak he feels to me. I'm surprised he can stand on his own two feet. I'm a big bully I know. I'm not prund. I want him to go. I think I do anyways.
BLINDSIDE, I felt the very same way for a long time. To this day he really can't explain why he did. He felt sorry for her. The stress of betrayal will eventually show up somewhere. Mine was high blood pressure. I always ran low. I still feel hurt when I read your post. When my health was at risk, I decided to try to let things go. Tell us what actions he does that shows you he is trying to change. For awhile I a negative filter. No matter what came in positive - I turned it into negative. That was hard to stop. He brought me flowers - well he brought them to her too. I didn't look at the fact he did something good, I turned it into negative. He is not helping you heal. Does he even say why he stayed? He is weak because he has not owned his shit and figure out why he did what he did. That really sucks. My husband said the I don't know and I think that is total BS. But I can't make him talk. That is frustrating. I don't believe in the "affair fog". it diminishes bad behavior like it is normal. Like this should be expected. I call BS. Give yourself credit for overcoming trauma. You seem to use these hard lessons to give you meaning to all that you've been though. That is what I see in some of your posts. You have gained something that balances out the loss. The most frustrating part I hear from you is you are trying to make sense out of all the general information, it is the lack of specifics and tangibles you want to hear from him. Tell him you can't sort through a quagmire of contradicting information. He needs to help you heal in this area but he needs to realize how important this is to you. Your needs should come first.
Blindsided and all you dedicated wife/moms out there..
Please prioritize yourself first and take care of your health. Get second opinion as needed. Ask for help as needed from your H.
Talk to your doctors on options and evaluate. My father in law had glaucoma as well after the drops didn't work. I learned a lot taking his parents to so many specialists/tests with eye and heart problems. I was also extremely stressed out from work and taking care of the family plus in-laws. Working in the wee hours to make deadline. I thought that's OK because that what we do as family until I found out he was taking time off to see strippers while I run a round like a headless chicken!! After that I told him he need to take time off for his parents and our kids appointments plus taking the kids to events. He can share the stress and understand what it's like to do make up time for work and worry about the family.
Treat yourself better and spend whatever to get yourself better. The little ones need you and you need to be healthy to care for your family. Take yourself to see a counselor as well.
I used to prioritize myself last and was frugal on a lot of things including medical. No longer now as I see how much he spent on the stripper..expenses on Rent, car, phone, restaurant, cable plus very nice trips and yes the the Victoria Secret bills..some months the bill can feed a a small family for a month. Here I am clipping coupons and shop on double coupon days and stocks up package panties from Walmart in August because it's cheaper so we can save for our kids tuition and a worry free retirement. He asked me about a medical bill for a couple thousand last night. I said that was a test to make sure I am OK and that's all I left at it..no apologies needed to pay for the best because I am important.
Some days I wish that I wasn’t a feeling person. I used to say my best trait was I could find the good in everyone. Damn. That isn’t a very good trait when you’re dealing with betrayal. (Yes - I know it really can be when you’re trying to reconcile but I often feel like it skews my judgment.)
I want to just not give a fuck. To not care if what I say might trigger him to remember her. To not care if seeing my hurt flairs his anxiety. To not care if I’m angry and it reminds him of his childhood. I don’t want to give a shit about the OW’s beautiful daughter who reminds me so if my own and is the ONLY reason I haven’t told her husband. I don’t want to give a shot about how his friends perceive him because he pushed away the greatest part of himself to feel like a man. I just want ...
But really what it all boils down to is that to want him to feel like I do. To give a damn about my feelings. To feel the hurt that radiates from my heart.
Indeed. ❤️
ReplyDeleteThe mess behind her was ugly and hurtful but the possibilities which laid before her were beautiful and full of hope. I saw this on instagram and thought it was beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI sure feel like a mess. My life is more put-together then it ever has been (husband, kids, job, money, house, car) but I still feel like a mess.
ReplyDeleteWHY?
Its the dinners he made her; the offer to babysit her kids; the renos he helped her with; the dates on the hiking trails; the cuddles on the couch; the messages when he was away from her; the meeting up in our own city and not just hers; the phone call to end it, that wasn't sincere; the lies that he hasn't spoken to her; the leaving us early to be with her; the goofy pictures he sent her; the searching her on social media; the not coming home just to be with her; the Christmas gifts he gave her and none for me; the fact that he wanted to protect her from getting hurt even when she threw him under the bus; the utter refusal to say anything negative about her but just to continue to say he loves me.
So that's it. Life is good, I'm still not - and probably never will be.
I just found out too that I may loose my eye sight. Blah hahah! That will take Blindsided to a whole new meaning! Huge amounts of stress & antidepressants may have contributed to glaucoma I was unaware I had - my eyes are closing with pressure @ just over 30 years of age. Fun stuff.
Buuuut I could still get cancer, my kids could be sick, I could loose my job, I could loose my parents early, my house could burn down ... So many things can go wrong in this life. Where is the happy ending for any of us?? There is none. Its tragic and sad and depressing.
Blind(almost)sided.
That sounds terrifying, dear Blindsided.
DeleteIf previous medication may have contributed to any eye degeneration, please check out what dietary recommendations there are for eye health. Your body is strong and will respond. It might slow down or stop the progression. (I have a family history of eye trouble, but am no medical expert.)
Wishing you so much support and love.
Oh Blindsided,
DeleteMy mother almost lost her sight because of glaucoma and I get tested every two years. My mom had to put drops in her eyes, which kept the pressure under control. I hope the doctor's are able to manage your glaucoma. From what I understand, as long as they catch it BEFORE you lose sight, they can usually keep it at bay. But, it sounds as though you need to focus intensely on your health and your stress level.
I'm sorry that you're still in the muck of the things he has said. Blindsided, for your sake, since you say "life is good", can you work to let go of who he was and focus on who he is? Can you see change that warrants the second chance you're giving him? Is he gaining any insight into why he made such awful choices, into why he protected her at your expense?
I'm glad you're able to see the glass as half-full, even as you're dealing with a medical crisis. And yes, things could be worse. None of us every knows what's coming down the pike. But it's just as possible that good is coming. Betrayal too often conditions us to anticipate bad -- it's the post-trauma part of the betrayal, that keeps us ever vigilant to being blindsided again. And that's where our work lies. To treat that post-trauma. To, as best we can, focus on the now. Right now, you are okay. Right now, your kids are healthy. It's all any of us ever have. Expectations of a "happy ending" are always fantasy.
He won't talk about it and doesn't remember anything - so he says. He answers I dont know without thought to my questions. He loved her and he refuses to even tell me that. He knew she loved him and he refuses to tell me that. He refuses without constant harping and leading to tell me anything truthful. He is a scared pathetic stupid boy.
DeleteI bet my 5 foot self could probably beat up his 6 foot body that's how weak he feels to me. I'm surprised he can stand on his own two feet. I'm a big bully I know. I'm not prund. I want him to go. I think I do anyways.
Blindsided
BLINDSIDE, I felt the very same way for a long time. To this day he really can't explain why he did. He felt sorry for her. The stress of betrayal will eventually show up somewhere. Mine was high blood pressure. I always ran low. I still feel hurt when I read your post. When my health was at risk, I decided to try to let things go. Tell us what actions he does that shows you he is trying to change. For awhile I a negative filter. No matter what came in positive - I turned it into negative. That was hard to stop. He brought me flowers - well he brought them to her too. I didn't look at the fact he did something good, I turned it into negative. He is not helping you heal. Does he even say why he stayed? He is weak because he has not owned his shit and figure out why he did what he did. That really sucks. My husband said the I don't know and I think that is total BS. But I can't make him talk. That is frustrating. I don't believe in the "affair fog". it diminishes bad behavior like it is normal. Like this should be expected. I call BS. Give yourself credit for overcoming trauma. You seem to use these hard lessons to give you meaning to all that you've been though. That is what I see in some of your posts. You have gained something that balances out the loss. The most frustrating part I hear from you is you are trying to make sense out of all the general information, it is the lack of specifics and tangibles you want to hear from him. Tell him you can't sort through a quagmire of contradicting information. He needs to help you heal in this area but he needs to realize how important this is to you. Your needs should come first.
DeleteBlindsided and all you dedicated wife/moms out there..
ReplyDeletePlease prioritize yourself first and take care of your health. Get second opinion as needed. Ask for help as needed from your H.
Talk to your doctors on options and evaluate. My father in law had glaucoma as well after the drops didn't work. I learned a lot taking his parents to so many specialists/tests with eye and heart problems. I was also extremely stressed out from work and taking care of the family plus in-laws. Working in the wee hours to make deadline. I thought that's OK because that what we do as family until I found out he was taking time off to see strippers while I run a round like a headless chicken!! After that I told him he need to take time off for his parents and our kids appointments plus taking the kids to events. He can share the stress and understand what it's like to do make up time for work and worry about the family.
Treat yourself better and spend whatever to get yourself better. The little ones need you and you need to be healthy to care for your family. Take yourself to see a counselor as well.
I used to prioritize myself last and was frugal on a lot of things including medical. No longer now as I see how much he spent on the stripper..expenses on Rent, car, phone, restaurant, cable plus very nice trips and yes the the Victoria Secret bills..some months the bill can feed a a small family for a month. Here I am clipping coupons and shop on double coupon days and stocks up package panties from Walmart in August because it's cheaper so we can save for our kids tuition and a worry free retirement.
He asked me about a medical bill for a couple thousand last night. I said that was a test to make sure I am OK and that's all I left at it..no apologies needed to pay for the best because I am important.
FedUp
Some days I wish that I wasn’t a feeling person. I used to say my best trait was I could find the good in everyone. Damn. That isn’t a very good trait when you’re dealing with betrayal. (Yes - I know it really can be when you’re trying to reconcile but I often feel like it skews my judgment.)
ReplyDeleteI want to just not give a fuck. To not care if what I say might trigger him to remember her. To not care if seeing my hurt flairs his anxiety. To not care if I’m angry and it reminds him of his childhood. I don’t want to give a shit about the OW’s beautiful daughter who reminds me so if my own and is the ONLY reason I haven’t told her husband. I don’t want to give a shot about how his friends perceive him because he pushed away the greatest part of himself to feel like a man. I just want ...
But really what it all boils down to is that to want him to feel like I do. To give a damn about my feelings. To feel the hurt that radiates from my heart.