But it's no exaggeration to say that reading has changed my life. From the first book about growing up with an alcoholic that I tentatively pulled from the shelf of a bookstore near my office when I was in my mid-20s, to Melody Beattie's Co-Dependent No More, which got me out of a toxic relationship, to Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life by Amy Krouse Rosenthal, which finally FINALLY gave me the blueprint I was searching for to write my own book about healing from betrayal...
So, in that books-can-change-your-life spirit, let me share the rest of my bedside table (and please, share your own in the comments). These aren't necessarily books about healing from betrayal. You can find more of those here. But they are about living life with hope and humor and humility and an open heart:
Each Day a New Beginning: My mother gave me this, which was her own bible in AA recovery. It has become my own. I don't struggle with addiction but the meditations in here work for anyone just trying to get through life.
The Impossible Will Take a Little While by Paul Rogat Loeb: This is a collection of essays about "perseverance and hope in troubled times". It features such writers as Maya Angelou, Marian Wright Edelman, Tony Kushner, Mary Pipher, Alice Walker and the amazing list goes on. Dive in and feel restored.
Leaving My Father's House by Marion Woodman: This revered feminist and Jungian will change how you view your place in this world, both historically and now. I also love the companion book of meditations.
Rising Strong by Brené Brown: Is there another writer who has done more to help me understand boundaries, vulnerability, shame? I think not.
The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron: I don't know a single creator who hasn't read this book and been inspired by it. But it's not just for those of us who make a living creating but for anyone. It's a meditation not only on art but on the art of living.
The Marrow Thieves by Cherie Dimaline: I was lucky enough to hear this brilliant Indigenous woman speak recently and I wished I could sit at her feet and soak in her wisdom. She has a way of threading together historic wrongs with hope. She's also an incredible writer and this book is Exhibit A.
Get Out of My Life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall? by Anthony E. Wolf: I have teenagers. This is the best book out there to keep me sane.
This is just the beginning, kids. More to come...
Thank you Elle : )
ReplyDeleteI might go read some of my Brene Brown. I'm tired of adulting. I just spent two hours on the phone with my daughter (who is bipolar) and having a huge anxiety because she thinks her boyfriend is cheating on her. This is immediately after my ex told me he's dating someone. He told me so I would not hear it as gossip since he plans to introduce her to neighbors. Same neighbors who did not want to meet the guy I'm dating because "they weren't ready" fuck those people. Fuck everyone. I wish I didn't care.
ReplyDeleteI swear to god, there are different rules for men than women. Women are expected to be pure and loyal and somehow unsullied by infidelity. Men, well, men are men so, sure, why not meet his new girlfriend?
DeleteI'm with you. Fuck those people and their hypocrisy.
And I'm so sorry re. your daughter. Is her bipolar effectively treated? I ask because last year my daughter's bipolar (before it was being effectively treated) led her to believe her boyfriend was cheating when it was nothing of the sort. But she was so paranoid, which is often an indication of early psychosis.
Hi SS1
DeleteThese neighbors... THEY'RE not ready??!!! Who's relationship is this anyway? Who was the one that was cheated on?
I'm with you Elle and SS1 - Fuck them!
SS1 - I'd be walking up and down the street with new guy and stopping to smooch right out the front of their house.
Hugs
Gabby xo
Gabby, you are awesome! Thank you for that. :)
DeleteI'm a little better today after a good long run in the snow. I'm letting myself be sad, but also not running away with stories about my ex or his new girlfriend. I know my own trials with dating and he, with his various ahem, coping strategies, isn't likely to fare much better. It just brings up old stuff, like how people I love never fight for me or choose me yada yada. So that is mine to sort out. Him dating just is a sign that he might be healing and I'm not ready for that or I'm sad it wasn't soon enough for him and me or whatever is all wrapped up in that for me.
ANYwho. I'm doing OK. And I know I'll be fine and I had a great call with my financial advisor and I am doing all the things I should be. So. I'll rumble a couple of days and move on from this latest thing.
All
ReplyDeleteI’m just so omg! I’m waiting for my adult son to find health care insurance so he can get his thyroid condition checked which throws all hormones out of right and meanwy he spoke of being a burden and thinks that the world would be better off without him...well we sent our daughter and grand daughter to lift him up and it helped but the current event of health care is the on going problem for him and many Americans! That said I feel your pain and I have to also deal with my mother and her end of life while dealing with my h and his current health issues I’m sorry but he now just has to wait his turn!!!
I am a librarian, so this post got me for sure. I will be checking out several of these I haven't read. I love books, and have always been an avid reader. Since d day, I've read lots of non fiction. I have had an issue finishing fiction books since dday though (which is new for me). Not sure why... it's like I can't kid myself anymore, and only want the truth. I love stories, but only if they're real. Brene Brown, Option B, and the Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck have been my favorites. Also the "affair books" we all read (Love Warrior, Hold Me Tight, Not Just Friends...)
ReplyDeleteInterestingly, a fiction book was involved on my dday. My H came home grumpy, distant (again) from a trip. I'd had enough and made the statement that I did not do anything to deserve this treatment. He launched into all the things that were wrong with me (I was too fat, too old-acting (whatever that means), I never want to do anything fun...) None of it was true. I instinctively stopped the conversation. I told him we could talk on another day and that we would need counseling if he wanted to stay married. I spent 2 days pondering his behavior and reached for a book I had loved years before because I kept remembering a quote I loved. "You know before you know, of course. You are bending over the dryer, pulling out the still-warm sheets, and the knowledge walks up your backbone. You stare at the man you love and you are staring at nothing: he is gone before he is gone." (Elizabeth Berg, Open House). I read it several times and the thought occurred to me to search his suitcase. I found a condom under the zipper liner. The rest is history. Books are everything!!! I have no idea what made me know what was going on, but that book was part of my ability to see what was happening to me because I "saw" it happen to this book character 10 years prior.
Wow, ann. What a story! "knowledge walks up your backbone". It was exactly like that for me. I had climbed into bed, exhausted after a HUGE weekend for me in which something I'd worked on for months had come to fruition. Husband had left earlier in the day for a business trip (ha!). And I just knew. The "knowledge walked up my backbone".
DeleteI have a half-dozen other books that I didn't include. White Teeth by Zadie Smith (which includes infidelity but she's so bloody funny). Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng. And a bookshelf FULL of books that I picked up at second-hand stores, bazaars, etc. (Margaret Atwood Year of the Flood, Katherine Boo's Behind the Beautiful Forevers...the list goes on and on). I swear I have a problem. I'm like a book junkie.
I love books but found I had a hard time reading after Dday. I lost a lot of myself on that day from reading to cooking and baking which I love to do. I remember walking the dog and listening to books on youtube or other spiritual things because I could never concentrate on reading. But I did read the Brene Brown book above about 4 months ago and then past it on to my daughter. Little by little my passions have come back and I'm starting to enjoy those things again.
ReplyDeleteI had that problem too. The only books I even wanted to read were about how to deal with infidelity. I was desperate to find a way through this. Audiobooks are a good idea, though. A way to distract yourself as you walk or run or drive.
DeleteThis resonates with me! D day was 7 years ago and it was just this past summer that I was able to read again for pleasure. Baking has still not returned. I did lose a major piece of myself.
DeleteYou forgot to include your book! I go and read it over and over! I can’t believe that I lived through most of the alphabet! And survived!
ReplyDelete"lived thru most of the alphabet and survived" :) Love that Theresa!
DeleteI am so interested to read about everyone else's experience with reading. I'm so glad it is not just me. After dday I could only read non fiction self help stuff or stuff about recovering from affairs etc. And only things that were predictable and safe (like books I had read before) So I was reading agatha christie, I read Watership Down a couple of times and an old children's series from when I was @12 called Trixie Belden (like Nancy Drew but set in upstate NY in the 1950s. No one is really ever in danger and all is solved in the end.) I still find I can't read like I used to, which was voraciously and for long periods of time. I have only recently been able to get back to Georgette Heyer because the romance made me so sad. And even now, as a huge Jane Austen fan, I don't experience or enjoy her books in quite the same way. And I'm still pretty fragile about what I do read.
ReplyDeleteAnd gardening hasn't been the same for me. I really used to love it, especially my flower beds. Now I'm just not into it. Maybe because my home won't be my home "forever" as in I know there's an end point. But it is not the same. Same with baking and cooking. Like I tried so hard for so long with that stuff and now I just dont care.
But now I paint. And I love it. I don't like missing class. I volunteer with new friends. I run. I do crossfit and that I really really love. So maybe I'm just changed.
Looking for some guidance... one of the women I gave a gift card to through my therapist for running shoes has written me the nicest note and requested to meet me. From her note, I can tell her H left and offers her no details about his affair. I'm inclined to agree to meet her to waive her in from the shore where I stand, but I'm aware that she's in a vulnerable place right now and that our stories might be different enough (I'm still with my H) that I may not be as helpful to her as I want. Do I agree to meet her? If so, do I meet on my own or pay the therapist to help? What do I say or not say? My gut tells me to hold her, let her cry, and tell her she has so much worth. That's what I wanted someone to do for me...
ReplyDeleteOh ann, You are such a kind soul. I think it's really up to you, of course, whether you meet her or not. If you choose to, I would meet her in a public place (quiet coffee shop perhaps)? I don't think your stories need to mesh perfectly. As you note, I suspect she just needs someone to listen to her story, hear her pain and remind her of her own strength and that she will get through this. That's all any of us really wanted, isn't it? None of us ever had any guarantees that things would turn out the way we wanted them to. We just needed to share our stories without judgement, without shame or blame, without expecting answers.
DeleteBut...you are not a therapist so be careful of her expectations of you. Keep your own boundaries clear.
Hi ann
DeleteWhat does your therapist say?
Sometimes it can be too personal as you get too involved.
If meeting, you'll obviously need to meet away from your home and somewhere public.
Perhaps if you are wanting to help, see about making a group meet up like (??) is doing in Texas (??) at a community house/church hall etc.
I remember what it was like. You just want to connect with other women who are going through what you are going through, to have that feeling of not being alone and so alienated from life.
As to what to say to her. Probably not much the first time. She will probably pour her heart out to you, and even though you may be on different paths, you are a compassionate person with a wealth of knowledge from being on this site (check out separated/divorced posts).
Hugs
Gabby xo