 |
| This has nothing to do with questions but black cats are the best. |
However you find yourself here, you want help. The pain feels endless, each excruciating day rolling into another with no discernible hope. He keeps saying stupid hurtful things, or refusing to say anything at all. Your friends, the few whom you've confided in, are growing weary of your need, or they're exasperated that you're not taking their advice to leave, or they're fuelling the drama.
And you've got this nagging fear that's keeping you stuck, this script that won't let up. What if you made the wrong choice? What if he cheats again? What if you're giving up your chance to be happy for the sake of...what exactly? Avoiding conflict? Preserving your family? Fear of the unknown?
I've been there. It has been said that depression is an inability to release the past and anxiety is an inability to release the future. I lived between those two states. Profoundly depressed at how wrong I'd been about my marriage and profoundly anxious about being wrong again. What if...? What if...?What if...?
But most of it boiled down to five questions that I couldn't shake. Questions that woke me up and kept me up. Questions that chased me through my days.
You too? Well...you're not alone.
But here's how to slay those questions and, hopefully, put them to rest for good:
Question #1: Did he cheat because there's something wrong with me?
No, he cheated because there's something wrong with him. Sure there are guys who say they cheated because their wife gained weight. Or lost interest in sex. Or nagged too much. But though they might actually even believe that's true, it's not. Not entirely.
Cause here's the thing. He could have talked to you. He could have shared how he was feeling. Tough? Absolutely. But not nearly as horrible as cheating on someone.
Far more often, though, a guy cheats because he's unhappy with himself. Maybe he's unhappy that he's not more successful at this age. Or because he's getting older. Or because he drinks too much. Or because he knows how resentful his wife is that he's never around. SO MUCH EASIER to blame you for his unhappiness than take responsibility for it.
And, again, if he's truly unhappy with you, with his marriage, then he can share that crucial tidbit of info. And ask for counselling or a divorce. You know...the grown-up way.
Question #2: By staying, aren't I letting him off the hook?
Nope. I hear this one all the time. I FELT this one all the time.
But what, exactly, is "off the hook"? Is it "off the hook" if your husband must attend a 12-step group to deal with his addiction issues? Is it "off the hook" if your husband must hand over any/all passwords, e-mail addresses? Is it "off the hook" if he checks in with you about where he is? By "off the hook", do we mean couples counselling? Reading books about healing from infidelity? Giving up boys' weekends? We don't ask those things of our husbands to punish them for transgressing but to help us heal, to help rebuild trust.
I don't know a single guy who would consider having to look in their wife's eyes and seeing the world of pain there as "off the hook". Rather, by staying and facing the damage caused by cheating, these guys are constantly on the hook. They've chosen that hook, knowing full-well that they put themselves there.
Question #3: What if he cheats again? Or is still cheating?
Well, then, you give some thought to what you'll do if you discover he's still cheating or cheats again in the future. SOME thought. Not daily obsessing. If he cheats again, then I will file for divorce. If he cheats again, I will pack up the children and go to my sister's. Fill it in yourself: If he cheats again, I will... The key is to have your plan in place so that if you discover he's cheating again or still, you don't have to rely on your brain to formulate rational thought. You can rely on your plan. You can even include others in it. Tell your best friend. Your sister. Him. And then do it.
In the meantime, put conditions in place so that he can show you (or not) that he deserves this second chance. And then, as best you can (and I KNOW how hard it is), let it go. You can only control yourself. Not him. Ever.
Question #4: Does staying make me a doormat?
A loud "hell no". Staying requires an incredible amount of courage and faith and hard work and I don't give a shit what our culture says about women who don't kick him out, nor do I give a flying f#%k about the "once a cheater" crowd who shame women who choose to stay.
But.
But if you are staying because you are afraid of rocking the boat or his anger, then you are absolutely NOT a doormat but you are likely in an abusive relationship. You are likely accustomed to settling for crumbs. And it will take a whole lot of healing and tapping into the strength that's there, buried, in order to realize your own worthiness. It's only when we feel worthy of leaving that we can truly choose to stay.
Question #5: Will our marriage ever be the same?
NO!! At least, I sure as hell hope not. Too often we look back at our "old" life through a distorted lens. Our marriage was perfect, we were soul-mates, he was my best friend. While that might be true, to a point, your marriage wasn't what you thought it was. He wasn't who you thought he was. Hell, he probably wasn't even who HE thought he was. And that's kinda scary, huh? That the people we think we know absolutely can turn out to be...kinda strangers. This person you think you know so well, that you could predict everything about him, has facets that you didn't know. Longings you didn't know about. Fears you didn't know about. Darkness you didn't know about.
So...yeah. Scary.
But, also, interesting. Because you probably have longings you don't know about (or haven't shared). Fears you don't know about (or haven't shared). Darkness you don't know about (or haven't shared). And this crisis, this crack in your marriage is an invitation to explore that – for each of you to explore that and talk about it and get to know each other more deeply. It can be horribly uncomfortable. We don't like to look at people's darkness. But a refusal to allow others to be fully themselves is the opposite of love. A resistance to another's full humanity is an act of aggression, of silencing, or erasure.
I remember once lamenting to my therapist that my eldest daughter, who was behaving in ways that I didn't like, "wasn't herself". My therapist called me out on it. Of course she's herself, she told me. Who else is she? She's just not someone I liked very much at that point. She was making choices I didn't want her making. And so I told myself that she wasn't herself. In this case, my daughter became unhappy with her own choices and began to choose differently. But that doesn't mean it wasn't "herself" who made those earlier choices.
Our husbands were themselves when they chose to cheat. And we can (and I sure as hell do) HATE that choice. But that was him. He can choose differently. And I hope he will.
Let us hope that your marriage will never be the same. That you both will continue to grow and shift and share that growth with each other, even when it's uncomfortable and squirmy and makes us want to avert our eyes.
Elle - Once again ... you're speaking directly to me, looking me directly in the eyes ...
ReplyDeleteI needed this today.
Did I ever need to see this today - thank you Elle!
ReplyDeleteAnd you made me laugh about the random black cat photo, you're hilarious xo
Wow. That was so well worded and inspiring. I feel like it should have ended with "Now pick yourself up off that floor and remember what a BAD ASS you are!"
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. Women who have walked through this pain and managed to reach for joy again are the baddest asses around. They are warrior queens.
DeleteQuestion two is very interesting to me because his cow condemned my h for choosing to work on our marriage because in her view, he took the easier route than standing up to me for his own happiness! She was delusional to the end of the relationship with him. I’m convinced that he knows that he’s not taking the easy way and he’s fully aware of how much work marriage is and he has been working hard on a daily basis!
ReplyDeleteQuestion 4, The first week or so I may have felt like a doormat but I became stronger and realized that I was worth fighting for and that he was worth the effort on my part. We’re better together and we are working hard daily! It takes two to stay together following betrayal! Question 5, no I don’t want that marriage back it was full of mistakes on both of us but I do love the relationship we have now because communication has never been this open for us! We can literally talk about anything now!
Your OW sounds like ours and she is a nut job. But I think our OW was delusional from the start. After sleeping with him 2 times she was going to marry him, have his baby and they were going to be together for ever and ever. Her words to me.
DeleteI think for a whole lot of these OW, they can only justify what they're doing by convincing themselves that these men are miserable in their marriages. They imagine us as sexless hags. It's just too uncomfortable to admit to themselves that they're being used or are contributing in the betrayal of someone who's actually a nice albeit oblivious person.
DeleteAnd I'm glad you fought against that doormat myth. It's bullshit.
Elle, you have been long past your horror, nightmare, pain but you write as if it were just yesterday. I don't know how you take yourself there again. It is almost healing magical. You addressed the questions that matter, that most women ask themselves. It has been a tough weekend because my daughter-in-laws brothers wife, found out she had been betrayed by her husband. He didn't come home so she went looking for him. She saw him in his car with a woman following him. At some point the OW got out of the car and proceeded to tell the wife, she should be ashamed of herself. This wife, is the sweetest person, athletic, pretty, good body (she used to be on the swim team in college). She is sincerely very nice. Her H is from a very broken home, binge drinks, had no father but he is a rocket scientist, kid you not. He came on to me one night after he was so drunk. He came up to my H and apologized. He promises to go to counseling as of this morning. This woman has put up with unbelieving shit from him. He treats her like dirt, says demeaning things. I really don't like to be around him. I want to call her, she knows me. My daughter-in-law says no you don't need to call her. My daughter-in-law knows if they separate, her brother will crash and binge drink himself to death. His wife was the only thing keeping him from going off the deep end. I feel so bad for her. I want to rush in and give her support. So if my daughter-in-law said no, I respect that I guess?I made a FB account with my name of LLP. I ask her to be my friend. Do you think I just need to keep out of it? Or go around my daughter-in-law?
ReplyDeleteLLP - what would you have wanted someone to do for you in those crucial hours after DDay?
DeleteI stretched my hand out to a person I found out through the avenues who was another betrayed ... her spouse left her when she was 8 weeks pregnant. I just let her know I was a "me too" and that if she needed someone to talk to who got it I was there. I've not heard anything more from her since her response. But I know that I gave her the lifeline that I wish that someone would have given me.
LLP,
DeleteSometimes it's hard to "go there". It's like poking a long ago wound, like arthritis when it rains. But it also helps me to realize what's changed, what still needs examining. And I take a whole lot of joy in having transformed what happened to me into something that helps others.
Re. this poor girl: Did you outline to your daughter-in-law the pain so many of us experience when this happens because we feel so isolated and ashamed and alone? What is her resistance to you getting in touch? I would ask her one more time, assuring her that you will respect her request but asking her to consider it through your/her eyes: That by reaching out to her, you're inviting her into a sisterhood that she might not even know about. That you want to use your pain to do some good for another.
If not, maybe send her a link to this site?
Honestly...I think this guy's problem is less to do with cheating than with addiction. Deal with the addiction effectively and the cheating will likely never occur again. But there's a lot of overlap between wives of addicts and wives of cheaters.
Thank you Elle and Kim, I will do this and let you know what happens. Thank you so much
DeleteElle and Kim a big shout out to you. Great advice. My daughter-in-law said she didn't want to seem like she was gossiping, it wasn't her story to tell me. I reminder her of the pain, loneliness, shame. I told her I wanted my pain to mean something to do help someone. We worked out a plan. She is going to tell her, I'm a betrayed wife also and if she would like to talk call me. I said it was OK to call me to talk. She is also going to give her this site. I explained how this site is everything a women or man needs. Help, rant, advice, no you are not crazy. Very upbeat honest group of women who understand. I will also recommend your book Elle. Also just my opinion but the book picture needs to larger in the web page. It just gets kind of lost on this page. I would put more than one comment as well so there are several perspectives. Thank you for the great advice that worked. I'll keep you updated.
DeleteThat's good to hear, LLP. I'm glad you reached out again.
DeleteRe. The picture: I'll try to redesign. I don't have so many options in this blog platform.
This is a great post. I find it really boils down the critical aspects of betrayal.
ReplyDelete1. This took a while for me to realize this was not true. I think all I knew is what society says about betrayal. I had to educate myself. My view on this has evolved. I think it has helped that my husband has 100% owned this and said it was his fault from the beginning.
2. I think this is a huge misunderstanding/myth in society. I 100% think it is more work to stay together. I think that it is critical to put boundaries in place. And I think it takes a level of strength and bravery from both the betrayed and wayward to commit to working through this. The wayward is at fault but this is not easy for either person if you are really working to create a new and better marriage.
3. For me the still cheating thing was laid out as a non negotiable. That was the number one boundary. I felt support from this site and my therapist to confirm this was acceptable. As far as cheating again I put the boundaries in place. And as my therapist said I had to give him enough rope and space after setting the boundaries to see if his actions matched his words. In the end I realized I could only tell him my expectations and needs then it was up to him. He had to prove himself.
4. Again I felt stupid and dumb for staying. Look what happened in my marriage right under my roof for over 10 years. I mean how stupid could I be. It took therapy, my husband, this site and time to work through this. In the end he worked really hard to lie to my face and do what he did. I was here for both of us willing to work on our marriage, support him and work on myself. He was the issue.
5. No and I agree I do not want the same marriage. We both hate this happened but I am not sure without taking everything to the brink if my husband would be who he is today. It sucks it had to happen this way but it did. Had we not had our history and kids together I am not sure I could have gone through this. Saying that we are in an amazing place. I struggle most with reminiscing with our kids, family and friends about our marriage and how we met and our marriage. Everyone glorifies it. It gives me an icky feeling. In the end we are both really proud we have stuck this out and worked together to get to where we are. It will be something we will face our entire lives. I knew that early on it would be part of our story whether we stayed together or divorced. That was a big motivator to work through this if possible.
Thank you Elle for providing great information that is thought provoking. I also find it helpful no matter where we are in this process/journey.
Elle. My book has arrived!! Looking so forward to reading...I am trying to hold off until when the retreat is on, so I can "feel" to be part of it. So sad to be missing it. :(
ReplyDeleteQ1 above had me in a bit of a mess the last couple of days. Just feeling very tired and depressed and having huge triggers...which is really annoying me, being now 1 year into our final separation. I know it's all on him, but when you have those thoughts as to why weren't the kids and I enough to fight for?, it does play on your mind. According to the kids, he hasn't changed, so in that regard, glad I'm away from him and his pathetic existence.
Q3 - ...about telling people. I bumped into one of his best friends a while ago, who knew we separated, but not why. She was horrified, to say the least, when I told her he had been cheating. I often wondered what he was telling people. Seems we just "grew apart". As I told this person..."it's a bit hard to grow a marriage when there's 3, or 4 and many others hanging around".
My kids have been a tower of strength to me the last couple of days, and I am so thankful to have them in my life.
Today is such a nice day, I wish I was out horse riding, having that freedom, but got a ton of things to do.
Hugs
Gabby xo
Oh Gabby, I'm sorry this sent you into a spiral. I can't say it enough: His inability to value you and the kids is about HIM not about you. I've said it before, someone's inability to recognize a diamond doesn't make the diamond any less valuable. It just makes the person who doesn't recognize it an idiot.
DeleteI'm glad your kids give you so much joy.
And I'm delighted your book arrived. You'll be with us in spirit.
Thanks Elle
DeleteNo need for you to be sorry. It's something I have to do, to get the chatter out of my head.
Hugs
Gabby xo
Nicely written. Thank you
ReplyDeleteAfter 2 years... the OW still keeps trying to reach out to my husband. After he blocked her from everything.
ReplyDeleteChanged her phone number, email address, etc. Blocked again. Divorced her husband, moved with 18 miles of our home. Posts pictures of her parked outside our home on social media. Sent a passive agressive christmas card. Writes love stories about them on her word press and posts on her social media! This realation lasted 4 months. Involed 3 sexual encounters. He ended all contact on DD. She then started sending emails to his work. Ranting. This almost destroyed me. I worked through affair healing with Tim Tedder.
Id had finally had enough of her trying to get back in.. so i texted her. I told her if she had proof there was something going(including frendship)on.. he was all hers. Otherwise leave us alone. I no longer feared her! After a few days the nut texted me back... she didnt take any thing that belonged to me. What???? I had no idea that the sex didnt belong to me! They both took my trust. Ive had to start a file on her.. incase we need to file a restraining order. Now she lives in our community, frequents places we go to. My husband and I have worked hard to repair the damage. But she wont go away! Thanks for letting me vent.
NMC,
DeleteUgh. She's clearly got issues. Unfortunately, she's making them your issues.
I'm glad you're keeping a file. I'd be inclined to speak with law enforcement at this stage -- show them what you've got, explain how destabilizing it is. They might have a suggestion, they might now. But at least you'd know. I hope she moves on soon, though I pity the next fool who gets involved with her.
Not my circus, not my monkees
DeleteWe also had a crazy ow...my h had to have a judge charge her with harassment in order for us to have peace from her. She eventually reached out again when her son died and again about three months after that and she had to be told again by the judge to leave us alone or go to jail for contempt of court. This is the third year that we are finally free of her meddling in our marriage...I suggest that you at least file a report at the local police station! These women are delusional!