Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Grappling with Grief

...what you actually lost was your innocence. Letting yourself grieve that loss is the only way to get to the other side of the trauma... Grief happens in spasms. It's like giving birth: You're giving birth to a new self. At the height of labor, you'll have 90 seconds of agony followed by 30 seconds of relief. Interestingly they call that period transition. That's what you're going through...
~Martha Beck, from May 2019 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine

When I first read mention of betrayal as trauma, I was surprised, even as it rang true for me. Trauma felt so dramatic. What I was experiencing, I thought, was a story as old as time. A philanderer for a husband. Weren't women supposed to either kick him out, if they were renegades, or suck it up, if they were doormats? I had put myself in that latter category. Though not so much pathetic as exhausted. Too exhausted to make a choice. And, I was beginning to allow myself to believe, too traumatized. 
Seeing betrayal through the lens of trauma helped me make sense of so much of what I was experiencing. It explained why I had to fight the desire, biking along city streets, to turn my wheel into traffic. It explained the heart-pounding terror when my husband was even five minutes later than I expected him home. It explained the hands shaking, the vision blurring, all these extreme physical symptoms of...what exactly? Why was this pain so visceral? Trauma. That's why. Trauma
Reframing my betrayal as trauma also gave me something else. Permission to be gentle with myself. An understanding that I hadn't asked for any of this, that I didn't deserve this pain. I was experiencing trauma, I would remind myself, when I couldn't muster the strength to go the grocery store. I was grappling with trauma, I told myself, when I finally caved to my therapist's urging to try anti-anxiety medication. 
And within that understanding, I could begin to grieve, which, as Martha Beck points out, is the only way to the other side of trauma.
I wish I could tell you there is a shortcut. But the only shortcut I know is to walk through the fire. Trying to go around it just prolongs the pain or pushes it underground. The only way out is through. 
Martha Beck is right. You are giving birth. To a new you. To a new reality. And birth is a painful beautiful process. Brutiful, as Glennon Doyle calls  it. The brutal transforms the beautiful, she says, and the beautiful transforms the brutal. 
A whole lot of us feel stuck in the brutal right now. The beautiful shimmers like a mirage. We don't trust it to be real, whether in the past or the future.
But on the other side of grief, beyond the trauma, the beautiful exists. Not exclusively, of course. The rest of your life will never be all good, or all bad, all beautiful, or all brutal. It will, like any life, be a mix. But beauty will be a part of it. Not in spite of what you've gone through but because of it.


15 comments:

  1. I didn’t really believe that 4+ years ago but sure enough...I trudged through that burning rage and now I’m able to look back at how far I am from that broken mess I was...thankful for the beautiful ladies here that helped me through!

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    1. Theresa, You are a force. You have worked incredibly hard to get where you are. And you are always ALWAYS here to light the way for those finding themselves in the darkness.

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  2. "But beauty will be a part of it. Not in spite of what you've gone through but because of it."

    Elle, reading your posts is like stumbling through a black night, then looking up to see a zillion stars.

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    1. Thank-you Chinook. That's a beautiful image and I feel delighted to think of this blog as a zillion stars in a dark night. One for each of the women here who shares their pain and then uses their broken heart to hold others.

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    2. I can not agree more with Chinooks statement,Elle. Your blog, and all the beautiful souls on here, got me through my toughest times, and continue to do so now that life isn't so tough. After D-day 2, 12/16, I never thought I'd feel peace or joy in my life, but now seldom is there a day I don't wake up feeling peaceful or grateful. The shit storm has truly been a transformative time for me and you all have been a blessing in the process. Thank you

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    3. Michelle, That is such great news. I love that you're waking up feeling peaceful and grateful. We should all be so lucky. You've worked hard for that. And yes, the women here are incredible. Stars lighting up a dark sky.

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  3. Great post Elle. I thought for the longest time, trauma was burning house, hurricane, tornado or other words something horrifically bad. I thought PTSD was for soldiers during the wars or rape when the woman relives the nightmare. I never thought of betrayal as trauma or I could have PTSD. Me? I didn't deserve to think this was trauma. I changed my mind about a year into healing. What you said above is so true and I know it will help many BW or BH today.

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    1. I read this today and WOW! We should all read it: https://crooked.com/articles/five-lies-trauma-ptsd/

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  4. I shared my story awhile back, about my husband having an EA with someone. It shook me to my core. I had vested everything I had into him, never believing for a 2nd that he would be the "type" of husband who cheats. But I stayed. I felt I owed it to our marriage (I kept out vows...) and to our family. He put in the work. Made changes, cared about my triggers etc.. or so I thought. Then my world was flipped upside down once again 3 years later (one month ago to be exact) and over the course of light being shed, he admitted to TWO full on physical affairs (sex 2-3 times per woman) over the past year.... Talk about being blindsided. Its weird how our minds handle the pains of trauma isn't it? I sobbed uncontrollably for about 3 min, then turned it off and became utterly numb. Over the course of the next few weeks, I barely teared up. This time because of circumstances and the fact that I kicked him out this time while I took time to decide my next course of action, EVERYONE knows. Family, friends, the TOWN we work in. I am currently in the state of in between. He of course is being the perfect husband. Answering all questions even if they hurt. I asked him why he decided to come clean (because he could've lied and I probably never would've know about the sex just texts that were sent) and he said he couldn't lie anymore. I don't understand how after the last destruction he caused, why would he not only do it again, but multiply it by a million and stab me with it? I really do feel as though I have lost a piece of me. A large piece of me. That says no one is trustworthy. The grief/ numbness I have can be debilitating to say the least. I am just so exhausted from the emotional roller coaster I have been on. I am tired..

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    1. TwinsTwice,
      I'm so sorry. There's no words for the pain you're in. I remember that tiredness. That numbness. The sense of walking through wet cement. What support do you have right now? Help with kids? Therapy to help you process all this? And what's HE doing to get his own head on straight?
      Please just know that you will get through this. I wouldn't have believed it. But I hope you will. It's the absolute truth. Just focus on you -- what you need, what you want. And remember that we're all here, rooting for you.

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    2. TwinsTwice - my therapist has assured me I will NEVER know everything. Sex addicts - and let's face it ... even undiagnosed that's what we're dealing with here - will only come clean about a portion of their doings. The hard part she says is deciding to deal with the known facts and figuring out if I can live with it.

      I'll be honest - I'm finding that I can't live with it. So EMDR it's been ... and today I have an appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss meds.

      My point ... it's time to focus on TwinsTwice ... put the work into yourself that you put into the marriage before. You deserve it!

      Giant hugs my friend. My heart aches for you!

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  5. Not in spite of it but because of it .. I literally burt into tears at the close of this read .. Elle does it again .. Cheers to all your brutiful ladies you are all princess warriors badass inside and out. Over 4 years out ... still standing ... wounded not broken.

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  6. I'm still trying to define what grief is for me. What is it that I'm really grieving. Is it the marriage? Is it the man who I thought I married? Is it the betrayal that he laid at my feet? Is it the betrayal I laid at my own feet by the actions I took after I found out?

    It's overwhelming at times. And I have to remind myself to just breathe.

    Elle (and so many others) kept recommending therapy -- and I resisted for so many reasons. I would finally get up the courage to go find someone and that person would let me down - or worse, traumatize me worse. But I kept searching and finally I've found someone to sit with me in this situation and to help me move forward.

    I guess I'm just posting this to anyone who might be thinking they could, should, etc. be able to handle this on your own. Maybe you can ... but you don't have to! Find someone to invest in your healing. You deserve it!

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    1. Good for you that you kept trying and you found someone that is working for you now. It is so hard after going what we have been through. I feel grief from all of those things and more. What is interesting is my husband is glad everything is out in the open but he feels grief that he did this to me and put this on me. He looks at me and sees a lot of what he felt during the "affair years". Where for him dday was a release from everything he felt every day. He said he thought it would all end and when I agreed to try to work things out he had never felt better. It is so odd. It is like he has a new lease on life and I have his 10 years of burden on me now.

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