If trying to find a way when you don't even know you can get there isn't a small miracle; then I don't know what is. ~Rachel Joyce, author
Today is my husband's and my anniversary. Twenty-four years ago we stood in front of family and friends and promised to be each other's one and only. We promised kindness and respect. To stick with each other through "good times and bad."
There was a lot of bad.
I didn't know just how bad it was but it was bad.
And when I discovered how bad it was, I reeled. I cried. I curled up in a ball on my bathroom floor many many nights and sobbed into my dog's neck. I could see nothing but the bad. I couldn't conceive of my marriage ever being anything but bad ever again.
And yet I stayed. I stayed because I was afraid to leave. Afraid to disrupt my young children's lives. Afraid of what my husband might do if I left. Besides, I was exhausted. I could barely get through a day let alone find the energy to kick him out, or leave myself. And so I waited. I waited until I felt strong enough to leave. I made my expectations clear – no cheating, no lying, full disclosure. If he stepped outside the line, even the slightest bit, I was gone. He knew that. He went to therapy. He attended 12-step meetings.
For strength. For a sign from the universe. For my kids to get older. For myself to get clearer.
It was never so much about if I'd leave but when, though I held out faint hope that my feelings for him might return. That I might love him again as I had that day twenty-four years ago.
And here we are.
It has not been easy. It has, in fact, been extremely hard. (I was going to write the "hardest thing I've ever done" but that would be untrue. Since that horrible time, I have had to commit my daughter to a psychiatric ward and that, my friends, is the hardest thing I've ever done. I have had to bury my mother, which was another very hard thing.)
But the thing with infidelity is that the pain eclipses every other thing. It blocks out the light. It leaves us squinting in the dark with no expectation of light ever again. This, we are certain, is our life. Not just for today but tomorrow. And forever.
The pain is excruciating. I know. But it passes. Not today. Not even soon. But eventually. And though I wish I could tell you differently, the truth is that it takes a long time to pass. And that there are no shortcuts. I don't think it hurts less to leave. I don't think it hurts less to find someone else. I don't think it hurts less in a short marriage than a long one. It just hurts. And it hurts so so much.
And then, one day, I realized it hurt a little less. And then less still. And so on until I'm celebrating my 24th wedding anniversary and I realize it hasn't hurt at all for a long time. And that we are exactly where we want to be and with exactly who we want to be with. He has changed over the years and not just grayer hair and a wider waist. I have changed a lot too. WE know each other much more deeply than we did that day 24 years ago. I have seen him at his absolute worst. I have decided that he is more than that. We have been with each other to bury our mothers. We have been with each other to get our daughter the help she needed. We have grown together and through.
And here we are. Okay. More than okay. Beyond all expectations. Happy.
I can’t ever imagine being there. But I guess I look on the old anniversary date as the old stupid me believing in happy ever after . And now I know that can’t be I do not need to celebrate or honour a certain date. Live for today and only today what was before has gone and what lies ahead and with who I don’t yet know
ReplyDeleteI haven't celebrated my anniversary since I found out about the infidelity in 2012. Although I am not in pain, it is just not something I have wanted to do. Still mixed feelings about that date after 8 years.
ReplyDeleteIt will perhaps always be a day that that brings back memories, and not good ones. I can't think of that day without also knowing that my expectations were not realized. But I have yet to meet anyone long married whose life has turned out exactly as they expected. I have chosen to acknowledge the pain embedded in my anniversary without letting it eclipse the happiness. You, of course, get to make your own choices about whether or how to acknowledge your anniversary. You could change the date to acknowledge the date when you felt "re"married to the same man. I didn't acknowledge my own anniversary for quite a few years -- can't recall exact number. But then, at some point, I began again.
DeleteHello, any updates? How did you find happiness again? Thanks for sharing
DeleteHello? How did you find happiness again? Thanks for sharing
DeleteI came to this site after 'the wasband' was found out. I wrote my story and got a response that was almost shocking. She told me that I was teaching him how to treat me, and that he's a narcissist and he's been gas lighting me. After I looked them all up I schooled myself on all of the above and grew stronger and stronger (as I downed a bottle of wine through my heartbreak). That was over five years ago and now I'm happily ever after living my best life on a lake in retirement with my Shiloh cat (who is the only male I will ever again give my heart to...ha). I haven't been back since then, but now I'm suggesting this for another woman I know. THANK YOU!
DeleteThank you for this! Two years out with my 25th anniversary next month. I still struggle with celebrating it, while I also struggle with ignoring it. I am slowly getting to the place of acceptance that although my marriage wasn’t as pure as I had hoped or thought, it was real... a lot was accomplished, experienced, and love was always shared. His cheating was a side act that was about him, not me, not our family, and not even “us”. Therefore. The 25 years deserves to be honored somehow. The man and my marriage was greater than his cheating years. Logically I know this to be true. Most days my emotions are onboard as well. Sometimes, it’s still a work in process.
ReplyDeleteSv, I think you put that perfectly. And that's where I ended up too, though it took me longer than a year or two to get there. But I did get there. Where I could see my marriage not as one colossal mistake but a relationship in which there were ups as well as the horrible downs.
Delete@Sv...... thank you thank you fir your reply. I am in this marriage of 39 yrs. The way you put this is how I think I feel. This was his side act. The rest was shared, memorable,worthwhile. I could just hug you right now!
DeleteCrying a bit reading this. I only found out about a month ago about a year+ long affair and I am so struggling. I love my husband but I hate this act!! We were the perfect couple that everyone envied and I had complete faith in my husband that something like this was no where in my thought process. I want to rebuild; but it is also hard to imagine a strong relationship with the images and hatred I can now have in my head. I feel bipolar with emotions that go back and forth between love and happiness to complete anger and rage. How cold this happen to me? to us? It is clear I am not alone...... but that does not make it any less painful. Today is my anniversary. We were in Hawaii a year ago celebrating our 25th year anniversary and he had already started a relationship with her and was also looking forward to hitting back to be with her. We have such great love and always have and he says he would never leave me and he has regrets.... but it makes our anniversary, especially a huge one feel like nothing...... grieving a huge loss today.
DeleteI'm so sorry you're going through this. Everything you describe is "normal", under the circumstances. Be gentle with yourself. And yes, grieve. I promise you will get through this.
DeleteI agree it would be hard to celebrate an anniversary but I guess like Elle said it could be like a rebirth that your celebrating. I just wanted to ask aswell lately I feel as though my partner is back to his old ways just doing the bare minimum when he first wanted me back he promised me the world things are going to change I’m going to put in more and the last few weeks I feel like he is done reassuring me, we had an argument last night abe of course I through the affair back in his face which I hate doing but I’m only 7 months in so I feel like it’s still fresh. He says how can you love me and still be hurt at the same time. I said I do love you but I’m still grieving I’m still sad and wounded from your betrayal. We’ve got a long way ahead of us and he says he’s tired of having to keep reassuring me and feels like I don’t put in enough and always revert back to the past and dwell on it. I don’t no what I should do?
ReplyDeleteBingo, Your husband has a really distorted idea of how people heal from infidelity trauma. Seven months out is still incredibly raw. Would he expect you to be over a death? An accident? We grieve after infidelity and the timeline varies for each of us for any number of reasons, none of which are "right" or "wrong". I think it's time for a candid discussion with him of what his expectations are vs. reality. As for loving him and being hurt...we don't get hurt if we don't care about someone. The more we care, the deeper the wound. Loving someone doesn't mean accepting their hurtful behaviour without feeling hurt. That makes zero sense. Just as we know it's possible to love someone and behave in extremely hurtful ways.
DeleteIs he in any sort of counselling? It sounds as though he'd really benefit from an objective voice challenging him on a lot of his thinking. Including his idea that once he's won you back, he can go back to being thoughtless and you'll completely forget everything. Nope. Doesn't work that way.
Blessings to you, your daughter, and your marriage, Elle. My daughter is also receiving psychiatric care and my thoughts are with you. My anniversary is next month, along with her birthday. I stopped celebrating the annivesary 7 years ago but my H does send me a text on that day. But when we got married, I had great anxiety and trepidation, even though we were together for 7 years. After d-day, I realized that it was because I was picking up on his slippery, immature, irresponsible ways. I didn't realize it then but it all clicked. So remembering my wedding day doesn't bring me joy. And anyway, our first marriage license was voided because of state regulations at the time so we had to get a new one in a different state 6 months later so legally, we weren't even married then !!!
ReplyDeleteMBS, Thank-you. And I'm sorry about your daughter. I hope she finds the help she needs and deserves.
DeleteAs someone who is still reeling from the pain of betrayal, I truly understand. Not knowing when or if it will end is at times unbearable. Having chosen to attempt to mend things I am currently always in a state of wonder. Wondering if I made the right decision, wondering if she is as re-committed as I am, wondering if in all the work she realizes I'm not what she wants/needs. In the time since the discovery, I feel we have grown so much. Some of that growth came through pain and things that were difficult for both of us to hear but, still growth. We actually have an anniversary coming up soon as well as scheduled trip, both of which are triggers to our situation. My mindset is that if I continue to grow and provide her with what she needs emotionally, including celebration of our union, I will be able to stand tall when the dust settles. By that I mean, if I put in the necessary changes and work but still end up without her I can be at peace. That's NOT how I want this book to end I just know that my positivity must be tempered with some reality. So here is an early toast to 24 years for us as well and hopefully many more.
ReplyDeleteThat's the way to live, Unknown. Stand in your own self-respect, be the person you want to be and then...accept what comes. We cannot make someone love us or want to be with us. We can only be ourselves and know that is enough.
DeleteHappy anniversary, Elle. Thank you for sharing your journey with the rest of us. And for writing with such hope. No matter the outcome of our marriages, you write with such hope.
ReplyDeleteThanks Jana. I am an unapologetic optimist. And, mostly, it works for me. Hope isn't just crossing our fingers. It's about creating the world I want and then, hard as it is, accepting that sometimes life has different plans.
DeleteVery nice piece Elle and Happy Anniversary. I too put my daughter in a mental hospital. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was just a few months after my husbands affair. We had celebrated our 25 wedding anniversary 6 weeks after Dday. I remember thinking about her the whole time.
ReplyDeleteThis October we celebrate 30 years together and the feeling is totally different. I don't watch the other woman, have no contact with her. We live in a new state and I have a job I love. Even during the Pandemic. My husband and I are closer than we have ever been before, which makes it nice.
It took a long time for the pain to be minimized. I'm not sure that's totally gone. But I'm in a way better place than I was 5 years ago. This month is hard because it is Dday month and the month my mother died. I've learned that the good out ways the bad. I try to live in the moment not the past. I know that I still have a way to go but, it's easier every day.
This blog was my life line at that time. I barely come here anymore but, felt a pull to be here today.
I just want other women to know that happiness is around the corner. It doesn't happen overnight but it does happen.
Stay strong, open minded and vigilant on your healing.
Thank-you for that. And I'm so glad to hear that you're in a much different place. And glad you checked in to share your experience. This is how we guide each other forward, inch by inch.
DeleteI also choose not to celebrate my 40th wedding anniversary this past july. At this point that day means absolutely nothing to me and I feel it never will. My husband stepped out of this marriage more than once but this last time almost completely destroyed me (he's alays as far as i know only slept with prostitutes).He is this time working very hard to change and I do see that happening. I'm still processing and in therapy so I can't say whether I'll stay or go. I would like to ask anyone who might have some tips or advice for me on how you got thru your "1" year anniversary of DDay? Mine is in 3 days and I'm sick too my stomach just thinking about it. For the most part I'm doing better but still have days that take me to my knees. Thank you to all you brave folks for your posts. They have gotten me thru some of the darkest days.
ReplyDeleteUnknown, How to get through? However you can. Take some time to consider what you need. Solitude? Escape? Time as a couple? And then take steps to make it happen. This is about self-care. And it's crucial. Do you need a spa day? A long hike in the woods? To be engrossed in a good novel? Give it some thought.
DeleteAnd remember this too, Unknown. It's just a day. The only power it has it what we give it. Anniversaries affect, absolutely, even subconsciously. But do what you can to not give into that. Consider it 24 hours to practice radical self-care.
A pedicure, A starbucks with whip cream and a long walk with a good cry. Pretty toes help! Laying in bed the whole day would certainly be approved too. Whatever you decide make it about you! Wounded not broken...
DeleteUnknown, you are still so raw. My 41st anniversary was in January. My D-day was June 2015. My husband, like yours, spend years paying strangers for sex. Young Asian prostitutes. I wouldn't say we celebrate anything although I think he does in his head/heart. He celebrates his new life and the fact that I stayed because he changed. We go away because I don't want to be around anyone who wants to talk about how "wonderful" our marriage is because to the outside world it looks solid and great. This year I just quietly celebrated the fact that I made it through some really tough times like many married people. However, along with that came extreme internal stress, high blood pressure and a trip to the ER thinking I was having a heart attack. I know I need to do something to manage the feelings/nightmares and thoughts I have leading up to our anniversary but Covid has prevented that. I do think he is not willing to do anything to rock this boat because we plugged all the holes he drilled and he doesn't want to sink again. I accept that he did all this because of his own emotional immaturity and deficits. I will never understand it because I am not an addict. Best wishes to you.
DeleteThank you for sharing your insight. Reading comments such as yours does indeed help me on a profound level. I'm certain everyone here agrees, this was not a "club" we chose to be a member of.
DeleteNot the club we wanted be a part of, exactly! What makes it worse, is that I had a strong conviction that we made everything right starting from dating to marriage to having a child. Turns out that was not enough. And it begs the question, what is enough then if you've done everything you know to be right???
DeleteMy 39 anniversary is tomorrow my 56 at the time year old husband had an affair with a 30 yr old girl. His only response to why is I didn’t feel like me. In the almost 5 yrs since it came out all the sordid details sex photos etc that is all he says. Yes he is sorry for what he did to me our family and also his reputation. I stayed but still dream of leaving affairs are so so destructive the damage goes way beyond anything you can imagine unless you live it for real. Tomorrow will be so hard for me but I won’t tell him that I will just carry on like any other day but inside I will mourn for everything I lost. I visit this site most days and sometimes find peace for it but also so much sadness at what we have all been through. I salute you all x
ReplyDeleteWe have similar stories. My SO was 53 when he started an affair with a 21 y/o coworker. I found out by accident when I got an STD. I'm 4 months post DD. My 35th anniversary is tomorrow. I take 1 day at a time.
DeleteMy wedding anniversary was on august 25th, and I found out about his affair 2 weeks prior. I still don't know what I'm going to do, I have too much resentment and anger to see my feelings with clarity. Right now, I feel like Indon't love him anymore. I obviously didn't want to celebrate. We have a 6 yo daughter, and she knows nothing at all, she hasn't even noticed the coldness between us. I haven't kicked him out because of her and the Covid lockdown in my country. But it is so hard to feel so lonely in my own home. I wish all of it didn't happen, but it did... I've decided to wait for a while before making any decision, to try therapy seperately, and eventually together, to see if there is anything there to salvage. I spent the first week crying, depressed, making sure he knew how much he hurt me, until I realised I was hurting myself even more than he did. So I decided to stop, to be happy with myself and my little daughter. If by that, I am making his life easier, then so be it, but I decide to be happy for selfish reasons, not for him, not because I forfive him, but for me, because I deserve it. We all do... and it's such a liberating feeling...
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous,
DeleteNot sure if you’ll see this being that it’s now 9/1/21.
Today is our wedding anniversary after finding out this last Valentine’s Day weekend that he had a two year affair! Was very depressed today on our anniversary and he didn’t bring it up because he didn’t know how and is very remorseful and sorry for what he has done. I was super depressed and angry at him since he didn’t even have the thought to say he was sorry he ruined his day and that he loves me ??!! I told him that was common sense but instead he ignored it afraid that he would trigger me more. When cheated He went through a depression stage and selfishness. I’m strong heart broken I can’t believe he did this to me we’ve been married 20 years, three kids, known each other since kindergarten as friends! I hope your relationship has grown stronger?! And I just wanted to tell you that the end of your comment is very helpful to me and others regarding the part that you made the decision to be happy for selfish reasons for yourself and your daughter not for excusing him! I think that is the hard part for us to be happy as we feel like we’re excusing them or they’re getting away with it? But you saying it in those terms helps us see that it can be liberating to do something selfish for yourself and for your well-being. prayers and take care and thank you!
I can remember saying I live with a man who doesn’t feel like my husband
ReplyDeleteIn a house that doesn’t feel like my home
And I look in the mirror and don’t recognise myself
Five years on I have changed beyond my wildest dreams
We have moved house every piece of furniture has been replaced
But I still struggle at times to show affection to this man
Wow, The thought of finding other wives who have been through what I went through just popped in my head and I am so glad it did. I thought I was being negative for not wanting to celebrate my wedding anniversary in two days. Although I still love him, I would much rather be attending his funeral. I am so angry I ache!!! Not that the betrayal wasnt bad enough he made me feel like I was crazy for believing what my gut was telling me...He denied it until my grown son (his step son) told me all about it. It seems my husband was sleeping with the girlfriend of one of my sons acquaintances . A girl who has been to my home more then once. This girl has also been with both of my husbands sisters......Yes...I hate him. We have two wonderful children together that deserve both parents but I cant stand to look at him. I know it is not healthy.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, hate and live are such close feelings. I can't beat if I love my husband right now or not, I wish I knew how to tell, I don't want to hold on just because it hurts too much to let go. If you know what I mean
DeleteTomorrow is our 21st anniversary and I am dreading it.We celebrated 20 yrs last year and it was amazing but a month later my H cheated w/ a prostitute(which he calls a stripper). I later discovered this wasn't the first. I was blindsided devastated and traumatized!! He did some counseling alone but continues to show dishonesty. I am still deeply hurt but have come a long way. I no longer resent him to the degree I did before. I was able to let go of the resentment after I forgave him. Although I have forgiven him, I've yet to decide whether or not to remain in the relationship. I feel that the marriage is dissolved.I have not worn my ring since the betrayal and at this time have no desire to acknowledge or celebrate this day.Im certain he's planning to celebrate and carry on tomorrow like nothing has ever happened but I can't and will not participate.
ReplyDeleteI'm soon going to be facing just this on October 7th. He's been talking to a mutual friend and supporting her through her relationship problems and has developed "feelings" for her. He's a texter and although I have known this recent situation puts me is a spot I've never been in before. My children all know which makes me feel like a giant fool. It's currently a confusing place to be. So much to say I really need to talk to someone, I called counseling is out of the question, I can't afgord it and he won't pay. :/
ReplyDeleteI stumbled across this website while searching' how to celebrate anniversary with infidel partner. Its my 20th anniversary in the next 3 weeks. My wife has cheated and planned a secret life with her "future husband" as she called him in the numerous text messages. This relationship, as I discovered, was going on for years. I discovered I am married to a person that never loved me, only loved what I can provide. I feel like I have been scammed in this never ending nightmare I called a marriage. However, I decided to to keep things together for the sake of my children. But this is so humiliating. Now, my anniversary is coming up and I am numb. Since I discovered this, I have never shown any interest in celebrating anniversaries. Now, with this milestone anniversary, I dread to notion of celebrating it. Do I tell her how I feel? What do you advise?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I am so sorry for what you're going through. Please know that you're welcome here to share your thoughts and your pain. You will find a warm, welcoming group who know what you're going through.
DeleteAs for your anniversary, you'll notice the tagline of this blog is "My heartbreak, my rules". Which means exactly that. YOU get to decide how you respond to this. You get to decide what you will and won't "celebrate" or acknowledge. Betrayal is excruciating and your feelings matter. I hope you have support as you navigate this. A good therapist, good friends... But, again, you will find this site a safe place to share.
My 11th anniversary is in a couple days. We've been together for 16 years. Today was Valentine's day and I was so triggered reading cards prior. I felt naive and stupid for believing in the love I was reading in the cards. I didn't even buy a card specifically for "husband" but one that said there is always love in this world to be thankful for. Now I'm nervous celebrating our anniversary. I just never thought about it. But being in the time after he cheated makes me feel unsafe with my heart to celebrate. I know this post is older. But thank you for writing it. I felt seen, and felt some hope also.
ReplyDeleteHi Kimberlee, That is one of the biggest challenges, I think. How to move forward with a heart full of fear, with a heart that feels stupid for having let itself love freely. But that's what I hope you got from my post. You get to define what an "anniversary" looks like for you. I do hope the day will come when your wide open heart feels free again. When you realize that there was nothing stupid or naive about loving someone. That his betrayal is his failure, not yours. In the meantime, please know that lots of us who know how you feel are sending you all the strength you need to move forward. You are amazing, Kimberlee. Don't ever let anyone make you feel otherwise.
DeleteSearching for answers because truthfully every single day it hurts. And I don't want to celebrate our anniversary.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this because this is the hope I need. I'm so afraid the pain won't go away
If you don't want to celebrate your anniversary, then don't. "My heartbreak, my rules" is our motto here. But do know that the day will come that the pain dissipates. Pay attention to those tiny moments -- when you smile unexpectedly, when something makes you laugh. Those are the openings that will grow bigger. Pay attention to your pain and tend to it (a therapist is key, I think) but don't feed the pain. You will be happy again.
DeleteI am having such a hard time "celebrating" a lie. Tomorrow is 18 years. It's not the 5 years of cheating for me.... It's the 3 years of lies and me having to become a detective after the discovery that I have a problem with. I haven't wanted this marriage for many years yet he begs me to stay and I cannot figure out why. We are like room mates. We get along great and have fun together but I no longer see him as husband material. So.... our anniversary is just to painful for me to deal with anymore. Cheating....OK whatever. 8 partners that I found...Not ok. 3 years of lies makes 8 years of cheating in my eyes. I feel sad and hopeless
ReplyDeleteIn our therapy, we have learned that the betrayed partner did have a role in why an affair took place. It doesn’t make the affair right! But understanding the why helps especially if moving forward. 46 years of marriage, 43.5 completely faithful, and then an affair occurred. Over 2 years of therapy we have learned what happened to us. So we know now and have corrected the flaws, but it still is the worst thing that has happened to us and we have buried family members and had other traumas as well.
ReplyDelete