He cheated on you. Maybe you found out via an errant text message. Maybe you got a phone call from his recently dumped OW. Maybe that nagging fear finally coaxed you to check his e-mails or his texts and – whoa! – guess what you found. Or maybe, like me, you asked. And he answered.
I was in a state of shock when I finally confronted my husband and got the answer I sorta kinda expected but was desperately hoping I wouldn't get.
And in my state of shock was one looming question: Now what?
What was I supposed to do with the knowledge that my husband had cheated on me? What was I supposed to tell my children, if anything? Where was I supposed to go?
There is no playbook for betrayed wives (though Encyclopedia for the Betrayed is my best attempt to give you 182 pages of playbook). On soap operas and in bad movies and in country songs, the cheated wife responds with fury. She dumps his belongings in to a pile onto which she pours gasoline and tosses a lit match. Or she slashes his tires. Or she confronts the Other Woman, leaving her with no question about who truly rules.
It all seems so satisfying.
And then, we imagine, the betrayed wife walks into her future on kickass stiletto heels. Often there's a handsome new guy waiting for her. Insert eyeroll here, amirite?
We're rarely offered the image of a woman shattered, in a ratty bathrobe and staring into space. Awake a 3 a.m., eyes red from crying, wondering, again, 'why?'. Desperate to leave but paralyzed. Desperate to stay but for what?
I couldn't sit still. I walked my house like a ghost, heavy with chains of dread. And through it all – the weeks of fury, the months of sadness – hung a question: Now what?
What did I want?
What did I need?
How could I be sure?
What if it happens again?
How did I miss it?
And, of course, that perennial Why? Why me? Why him? Why her? Why?
I can't answer your questions. Only you can. And, likely, only with time.
But I can tell you how I found my own answer to Now what?
It began when I finally quieted that voice in my head that screamed like my mother on a bender and rediscovered what Glennon Doyle calls "the Knowing". That deep voice that put me on solid ground, the one that said "you are not what happened to you", the one that promised me I had a well of strength to get through this. But perhaps the most important thing that deep voice told me was that "now what?" wasn't permanent. That it was okay to not know what was next, that I could take my time to process this pain before reacting to it. And, in fact, if I took that time, I wouldn't so much react as respond. I could plan. I could choose.
We forget that, don't we? That we have a choice. We're often so humiliated and crippled by betrayal that we feel stripped of any power we might have. But, as I was reminded on Twitter the other day, when our husbands are asking us for a second chance – whether explicitly or by assumption – we have the most power. Not to change them. That's always on them. But to insist upon what we want. That is not, of course, to say that we will get exactly what we want. They might choose the OW. They might choose to leave. But by treating ourselves with respect, by demanding to be treated by them with respect, we can't lose. We might lose them, sure. But is it really a loss to no longer have a cheater who doesn't respect you in your life? You might not see it now, but that sounds like a win to me.
Doyle puts it this way: "I can't imagine a greater tragedy than remaining forever unknown to myself. That would be the ultimate self-abandonment. So I have become unafraid of my own feelings."
Your feelings are your guide. They are prophets, pointing the way forward. Sit with them. You will not drown. Pay attention to them. Learn to discern your deep-down voice from the noise of the critics. You know the ones – that tell you what you "should" do, how you "should" feel. There is no "should", there is only you and what you want in service of your self-respect.
You have been betrayed by the person you must trusted. But perhaps that was our first mistake. The first person we should always trust is ourself. Don't betray her again.
What did I want?
What did I need?
How could I be sure?
What if it happens again?
How did I miss it?
And, of course, that perennial Why? Why me? Why him? Why her? Why?
I can't answer your questions. Only you can. And, likely, only with time.
But I can tell you how I found my own answer to Now what?
It began when I finally quieted that voice in my head that screamed like my mother on a bender and rediscovered what Glennon Doyle calls "the Knowing". That deep voice that put me on solid ground, the one that said "you are not what happened to you", the one that promised me I had a well of strength to get through this. But perhaps the most important thing that deep voice told me was that "now what?" wasn't permanent. That it was okay to not know what was next, that I could take my time to process this pain before reacting to it. And, in fact, if I took that time, I wouldn't so much react as respond. I could plan. I could choose.
We forget that, don't we? That we have a choice. We're often so humiliated and crippled by betrayal that we feel stripped of any power we might have. But, as I was reminded on Twitter the other day, when our husbands are asking us for a second chance – whether explicitly or by assumption – we have the most power. Not to change them. That's always on them. But to insist upon what we want. That is not, of course, to say that we will get exactly what we want. They might choose the OW. They might choose to leave. But by treating ourselves with respect, by demanding to be treated by them with respect, we can't lose. We might lose them, sure. But is it really a loss to no longer have a cheater who doesn't respect you in your life? You might not see it now, but that sounds like a win to me.
Doyle puts it this way: "I can't imagine a greater tragedy than remaining forever unknown to myself. That would be the ultimate self-abandonment. So I have become unafraid of my own feelings."
Your feelings are your guide. They are prophets, pointing the way forward. Sit with them. You will not drown. Pay attention to them. Learn to discern your deep-down voice from the noise of the critics. You know the ones – that tell you what you "should" do, how you "should" feel. There is no "should", there is only you and what you want in service of your self-respect.
You have been betrayed by the person you must trusted. But perhaps that was our first mistake. The first person we should always trust is ourself. Don't betray her again.
I found out Christmas 19, a message on FB from the OW. Things had been difficult for a while, had a gut feeling something was wrong. When questioned he would blame work, stress - basically gaslight me. He was like 2 different people, and would flip so easily. He seemed distant, could be verbally abusive and looking back it was obvious really. He worked away a lot so I was used to time on my own, did most of the parenting and household stuff plus had a career. I trusted him. On D-Day - got the standard trickle truth, just friends- just kissed etc. I couldn’t believe it, he came from a broken home and always said he would never put his kids through the same. We have been together 30 years. Turns out it was a full on physical A, long distance, on and off but lasted 18 months. He had ended it a couple of months before but she was always threatening to tell. No safe sex and couldn’t get it up at first so had to take viagra!!!!??? WTF? Never had a problem with me. She used to work with him, several years older and looked it, not the standard MLA? She was single and twice divorced- apparently she was very persistent. He knocked her back the first few times but then gave in!!! Gave in - �� I am struggling and stuck in lockdown with him. He is desperate for a second chance. Says it was a big mistake, he had a ‘gun’ to his head and tried to end it many times. I feel dead inside - don’t know what to do? How could he love me yet do this- no respect.
ReplyDeleteHow could he do this? He lied to himself about your marriage. He twisted the way he thought so he gave himself permission. Also it is the standard, I thought you would never find out. For one thing, don't believe much of what he says. He will lie to save his ass. It is so bad when the OW tells you instead of him. She sounds like he affaired down. They all affair down Older, divorced twice and persistent because she is sick in the head slut. All she had was a vagina. This is not your fault. This is not his mistake, it was his choice. Now it is your turn, take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to get through the day. I can't imagine being locked down, that makes it so much worse. While you are stuck at home, look at bank records, telephone numbers. I printed out a calendar and tried to piece it together because he lied for a year. Are you sure it was only long distance. Get test for the full panel of STD. I got vaginal herpes. He can write out a timeline for you because the truth needs to come out. You will find it all out soon or later. The OW might call you because she was dumped. You don't know what lies he told her. I was 59 years old when I found out much like you. It is harder when you consider you have a shorter timeline to recover. Read this site. Order Elle's book which is great. I'm so sorry this happened to you. My heart goes out to you. Your on the roller coaster of emotions. It is ok to feel dead. It is your mind and body's way of coping with catastrophe. You will get through this, hour by hour right now. You are stronger than what you know. Most of all take care of yourself. Get sleep aid, if that is what it takes. I took sleep aids at the time that would now lay me flat out. You lean on whatever you need right now. Sisterly love to you. Keep in touch, Elle got me through my house of horrors and all the women here can help you.
DeleteLLP thank you for your kind reply. Although it’s nearly 5 months since DD I still wake up in complete disbelief he would even do this. I have only confided in 2 friends and my parents and they were completely shocked. Unfortunately my children know ( all teenagers) due to harassment from the OW. She wouldn’t go quietly and even turned up at my husbands work. We are all devastated by his actions and whilst he is remorseful I am not sure I can get over this. It’s not just the cheating it’s the awful things he said during the time. His gaslighting and stonewalling has really affected my self esteem. My whole life feels like a lie and everything we worked so hard for is shattered. Our children tell me I deserve so much more- maybe they are right. Problem is how do you switch of that love you had for them. I know he is not the man I married. We were happy until he started his new job and she started throwing herself at him. In fact 3 months before we had a dream holiday and looking at the photos and how happy we were is so bitter sweet. It’s like his whole moral compass shifted, he says it was like she put a spell in him. I am going to give it till lockdown is over then get back into IC and see how I feel. So glad to have found this site and whilst it’s not a club I ever wanted to join, I feel better to know I am not alone. Much love to you all.
DeleteAnonymous,
DeleteWhat LLP wrote is the truth. Your story sounds like so many others here, including mine. The crazy thing is, he didn't cheat because the marriage was bad, or he didn't love you, or she was just too sexy to resist. He cheated because something broke inside him. He cheated because it distracted him from his own pain. He cheated because he was lonely, confused, whatever... I know that feeling of everything being a lie. It wasn't. As crazy as it sounds, his cheating had nothing to do with you. Imagine he was a closet drug user -- we would see it as a response to pain, an attempt to medicate. Sex/affairs are essentially the same thing. Our culture just trains us to think it's about sexy-ness, attraction.
You get to decide what happens next. You are not alone. As you've no doubt discovered, women on this site have stayed, have left, have separated and reconciled. There is no "right" way through this, there is only what feels right to you.
Take time to consider it. But start from a place of recognizing that his affair was never an indictment of you or your marriage. He clearly has issues that he needs to work through in order to understand why he jeopardized everything that mattered to him for someone who didn't.
Thank you for all your posts which I receive as email. Today is the 1st anniversary of DDay. I did stay, and have triumphed over the greatest sadness of my life. I stayed in my marriage, took time to think and calm down and so far things are ok. Downside, kids will not forgive and don’t come to my house anymore. But I meet them or go to them. It’s not all a fairytale ending, but at this stage in my life , one year on , I’m feeling positive and dare I say it happy!
ReplyDeleteDee,
DeleteCongratulations. You've done an incredible thing -- respected yourself while learning how to forgive someone who hurt you.
I'm sorry re. your kids. I hope they can find their own path toward forgiveness.
Thank you for this, Elle. It is exactly what I needed today, which is 53 days post d-day for me. And thank you to all of the fierce and ferociously honest and generous BWC members. You all have been right here with me on this lonely excruciating journey, holding my hand, guiding me, reassuring me, bringing me laughter, and the strength to wipe my own tears. One of the suggestions that was the most helpful for me was to refocus on myself and begin a personal inventory. Working on this has been nothing short of transformational for me. When I started it, it was simple and focused mainly on who am I, want do I want, what do I value, what do I want for myself for the future. And then something was triggered for me - ME was triggered for me. My need for myself, my truths, my history, my life. And so I went all the way back to the beginning of me. And then even a little further back. At 51 years of age I am finally finding myself. I am finally focusing on me. And for that, I owe a huge debt of gratitude to this community. D-day's shattering under COVID has been more traumatic than anything I have been through to date (and I've been through a lot of trauma in my life). You all reminded me just how resilient I am, and how very much I am worth fighting for.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteI am so heartened to read this. That's exactly what happened for me too. I would never wish this on anyone. But, the silver lining for me was that it forced me to re-examine everything I'd come to believe about myself and to essentially rebuild myself and my life in a way that feels far more honest. My insides and my outsides are much more aligned.
Today, May 5 is my 5 year D day anniversary. A lot has changed since that day. A lot more good than bad and believe me I thought I would NEVER say that. I still harbor some pain and resentment. I still have brief periods of time of sadness ( but at least it is no longer days and hours). I still question my choice to stay. I struggle with the magnitude of deceit but I think I have made the right choice in staying. This whole thing has made me see my own strengths and my weaknesses. I am stronger because I learned like you say, that I can truly only trust myself and that is the biggest lesson of all of this. There are so many lessons to learn in life and it just so happens this one cuts you to the core, spits you out, and leaves you on the side of the road for dead. Its gift is that it forces you to re-examine all that you hold near and dear. My marriage was flawed before his affair but I never thought infidelity was a possibility. I will not take responsibility for his cheating but I will take responsibility for not making some hard choices throughout my marriage. Thank you Elle.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, I echo your sentiment exactly. "I will take responsibility for not making some hard choices throughout my marriage." I always put my children's best interest ahead of mine. They thrived and I shriveled. I also have times of sadness and question my choice to stay and that decision to stay is still based on the relationship my children have with their father. Just because my life got screwed up because of him doesn't mean I need to screw up their lives.
DeleteAnonymous,
DeleteAmazing!! I am consistently amazed and awed by the strength and compassion and kindness and courage I see here every single day. I take such delight in knowing how many women have come here and been guided, by other incredible women, toward a place of self-respect and genuine transformation.
Great post for sure. I will hit the 5 year D-day in mid June. I am still with my husband and the reasons I stayed have truly changed over the past almost five years. They have changed as I have changed because of his awful behavior and actions over a 35+ year marriage prior to D-day. I still have the power. He lets me know that all the time. He still thanks me for giving him a chance and for giving him the opportunity to let him prove he can be a better man. He wanted to be a better man but was unable to do so for any number of reasons that are his but none that I find excusable. I feel a lot happier now than I've felt in a very long time including the two decades prior to his disclosure when my life was just not happy. The only thing that governs my life now is this awful Covid19. I'm in my 70th year. I live with a recovering sex addict. I miss my kids and I feel like everyone I love is still in "time-out" but I still know this deep in my heart. If my husband chooses to do anything remotely close to cheating or disrespecting me and our marriage again, he has chosen to leave the marriage and I will be fine. I know this is very hard, almost unbearable to all of you who are new to this web site and the pain and heartbreak of infidelity. Trust yourself to be strong when you need to be. Believe that you will thrive and survive even if your life turns out to be very different from how you once thought it was. I once thought I had a fairy tale marriage to prince charming. That was just a fantasy but I have three great adult kids and six wonderful grand children whom I love unconditionally. I don't love my husband unconditionally anymore. He screwed that up and he lives with the consequences. I am fine. You will be too because this too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteBrava Beach Girl, You are, indeed, "fine". And yes, this pandemic has left a lot of us missing our nearest (or not-so-nearest) and dearest. A challenge for so many...
DeleteBeach girl, I learn from your wisdom yet again today! That is a shift I made but did not name or fully own: I no longer love my husband unconditionally either. And that is a good and appropriate change. I actually used your words when I wrote up the minimal conditions for me to continue to interact with him during this d-day under pandemic, and the consequences if he fails to meet any of them. If he chooses to wade back into the cesspools, he is choosing to leave the marriage. And I know I will be fine, even a mere 53 days post d-day I know I will be better than fine. I am not the one who created a life worthy of a Jerry Springer episode. Which by the way is an episode I would not be part of; that was his doing and his alone. Meema
ReplyDelete👏👏👏
DeleteI am so glad I found this community. I recently found out about my husband's second indiscretion after giving him a second chance and I am beyond shattered. Although he is begging that I give him another chance to fix things, I feel stuck and hopeless in this union. Why am I always the one having to forgive and accept his choices by forgiving? I told him the last time that if ever something like this happened again the marriage was over, he agreed to that....but still chose to go back to the ow after a year of breaking things off with her. Since he could not keep his own end of our agreement, I have decided to end this marriage; however I am concerned about the impact this separation will have on my 3 young kids. Stuck in the same house under this current covid pandemic doesn't help issues too. I can't function and I hate that he would do this to me after seeing how this affected me the last time. Infidelity is the last thing I ever thought I would be dealing with in my marriage. I am so broken and more!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Anonymous. This is excruciating for you. You absolutely do not have to forgive him. Not now, now ever. If you've decided to leave, then let that be your choice without regret. Your children will find it painful but that's okay -- life can be painful and you and (hopefully) your ex can find ways to remind them that they are loved and strong enough to move through this. I would urge you to find counselling for them too as they adjust -- a safe place to share their feelings and work through them.
DeleteAnd I hope you will too. You feel broken, I know. But you will put yourself back together and be strong.
Thankyou for these posts and the comments. The wisdom I find here is far more than what I get anywhere else including at my therapist. So really Thankyou for that.
ReplyDeleteSo for now I’m staying. I’m about 5 months since d-day and it’s reality the two steps forward 1 step back story. While I can still get over the sex, the act, and the filling a need that comes with sex addiction, how do I deal with the morals involved? I’m not saying that cheating is fine in any manner, but when your husband chooses to visit massage parlors and invites prostitutes to his hotel room while traveling for over 4 years(the total numbers are ridiculous and I don’t even think he remembers how many!), how do you move on from knowing that he is not a nice human being? That this is the father of your daughter, who chose to pay young, poor Asian girls money to hold his dick? I can forgive my husband for many a things but how do I overcome this big question... who is this person? How can I respect him ever again? How do I get past how terrible a human he is? I’d really love some insight from the women who’ve dealt with porn and sex addiction on here please. Thankyou x
Natanangel, you are still in the crush and shock stage of what your husband's past choices have been. He is a sick man and he needs help but if he doesn't see it that way, he won't change. It took ma awhile to really understand this through my therapist. People only change because they want to change. They have to recognize that what they have been doing is not congruent with who they want to be or who they think they are. My husband did the same things your husband did and more for years. Many of us here have/had husbands like yours. My husband's persona was like our VP, Mike P*nce. "Mr. Clean, Mr. Moral, Mr. Holier than Thou", Mr. Perfect". Well he wasn't . After he disclosed to me he thought he had AIDS from sex with prostitutes my internal life fell apart but I told nobody except my therapist. I thought he was a disgusting piece of shit and spent the better part of a year or more telling him that on my bad days. He hated himself and the things he did and he did a lot of work around it many months later when he was ready to tell me the truth about his life, a truth he never talked about or admitted to anyone including himself. It took many months of me screaming "why?" "why?" did you do this? What is wrong with you, you disgusting POS dog. One of our daughters is Chinese and he was having sex with girls much younger than her by far. He kept saying, "I don't know" I accused him of being a pedophile and asked him to buy a gun and go kill himself. My rage was uncontrollable. Our kids and grand kids adored him and I was paralyzed emotionally for the longest time. I just didn't know what to do and thanks to Elle I just did nothing except set boundaries. I told my husband if he couldn't stop all his porn and paid sex we were done. We got tested for STD's which was humiliating. He never thought about that at all. He went to counseling and began meditation classes and started reading books on sex addiction. He confronted his past and all the lies he told himself. Like Elle says, "hurt people hurt people". He was hurt many times as a young boy and he never confronted that or admitted that to himself and it finally ended when he told me about his fear of having AIDS. It has been a very long almost 5 years. I gave him a year to get his shit together which he did. I do believe he has not had any slip ups although the early nightmares of porn were tough. We have a much better relationship now and although I still look at him at times and wonder "Who are you?" I accept that he is really a good man who did horrible and disgusting things. He has to live with that till he dies. He knows how much he hurt me and made me suffer. He is grateful for this second chance. Our lives are very different now. Welcome to the club nobody wanted to join.
DeleteHi Natanangel
DeleteThere isn't an easy route out from the shock, hurt, and fear of living with a sex addict I have found. I have cycled through various emotions countless times since my H admitted the most recent affairs, and we finally confronted the fact he was a sex addict. That was almost 3 years ago now and just last night I sat with him and told him I'm not sure I love him, that I'm only here for the kids. Yet roll back to Jan, and I was so certain we were ok and I did love him, and the addiction no longer controlled us or affected me.
I think that 5 months is far, far too early to understand how you are going to feel, and I hope you are able to get yourself some counselling, and in time you may need some couples therapy.... but first, your H HAS to confront the addiction. Yours sounds like he has.
Mine has stopped the affairs and porn, though he didn't manage it easily. The affairs carried on a few months, the porn wasn't stopped until maybe 6 or 9 months ago. He still uses masturbation daily if he is stressed. And so I'm really not happy with where we are, as my H has NOT turned his life around how I had hoped. He isn't the man I thought I married or want him to be. He suffers crushing black depression which means me and the kids spend days at a time dealing with his anger or the fact he can't communicate, or just lies in bed.
I think, may be at 12 months, I started to know how I felt. But as I say, even then, I have months of just "being" - life carrying on with the relationship just being there in the background, there are the weeks when I'm so certain I can't do this, then H pulls his socks up and there are glimpses of the H I married, and it's enough to keep me going.
I'm a massive fan of The Gottman Institute work for looking at the relationship, once H is on steady ground and you are both ready to work on one another.
Depending on how you found out, you may have a lot of trauma to process (so often the wives of sex addicts are drip fed truth, or are told "it was the last time, I'll never do it again", only for another confession in the future). I'm sure Elle has written before that it was maybe 5 years before she knew her decision to stay was right for her. I still haven't decided at 3 years. I'm torn between not wanting to throw away 17 years marriage and hurt two young children, versus not wanting to waste a life in an unhappy marriage.
I'm not sure how or when I will know....last night I was only here for the children, today I have one foot back in the door with a small vestige of hope for us as a couple.
Natanangel, I agree with what the others have said. Five months is baby steps. It sucks to hear that, I know. But you have a lot more processing to do.
DeleteBut here's how I worked through the pain of my husband's sex addiction and my disgust with his lack of morals/ethics. I needed to see that he really examined his own belief system that allowed him to behave that way. I needed to hear him talk about how disgusted he was himself with how he objectified these people -- they weren't human to him, they were sex toys. And once he admitted that and allowed himself to work through the shame of that, I could see that he changed. I couldn't have stayed married to the man he was. But I was able to give the man he was becoming time to show me that he wanted to be better. In many ways, my husband was a "good" man. But he was raised in our culture where many men (not just sex addicts) see women as bodies, as tools for sexual gratification. Factor in porn and sex addiction and it's the perfect storm to objectify and dehumanize. Is he seeking treatment? Is he in a 12-step group? Those will help him work through the ways in which he lied to himself and abandoned his own value system. They will help him recalibrate and live a life aligned with the principles he wants to live by. You do not have to decide anything right now. You can watch and see if he becomes worthy of you.
The roller coaster of emotions is what gets me! I don't know why I can't just decide already if I am mad at him or at myself. And H refuses to see things my way - always making me feel guilty for trying to process my grief the only way I can ( which is passive aggressively since open communication on the subject is basically banned). I wish I had the courage to either walk or clearly lay out my terms for staying in this sham of a marriage but I doubt myself, I doubt my instincts and I doubt I would be able to survive without him.
DeleteThanks Beach Girl, for sharing what sounds like a terrible many years! It’s so unfair that we have to bear the burden and sadness of something we had nothing to do with. Made no choice to be a part of, and yet we are here today. My husband is also committed to becoming a “better man”, “the man he was” and works continuously with his SLA group and therapist. He is trying hard at home with the kids etc too (which he always did, only I didn’t realize there was another side to him).
ReplyDeleteIt’s just me. I can’t imagine being stuck with someone like him - right now it’s for the kids and financial backing but is that a life to lead? I often wonder if I even love him? As you said, I’m just going to do nothing for sometime and see how it goes. I read somewhere on this site that your worst fears have already happened, and that was so empowering. Thank you again for your kind words and support - they mean the world to me!
Natanangel, I understand completely your comment "I can't imagine being stuck with someone like him" and the reasons you list. I felt that way for at least three years and the financial piece was a huge one for me because we have substantial assets that I was damned if I would split with him and let him share with anyone else. I wanted that for me and my kids. I didn't want him using a single penny on another woman/prostitute or whatever. I have continued to read and educate myself about childhood trauma and the long term effects of that on both men and women. I do believe that people can change and that addicts change if they want to. I've know many people in my 70 years who are reformed addicts of all kinds. I know they deeply regret their past actions and decisions. I believe that my husband is one of them. That doesn't change anything he chose to do, how it endangered my life/health and the effects it carries on my long term marriage. Given all that I continue to work hard to look at him as the person he is now, his actions and behavior as well as his words. He knows I may never trust him again and he doesn't blame me for that. He just wants me to see who he is now and that if he could go back and change his life he would do that in a heartbeat. I am very slowly allowing myself to feel the love for him I had when we were dating. I let him into my heart at times and then I am fearful and shut off my feelings but he is still stable and committed to being the man he wants to be. He tells me all the time that if feels so good to be honest and transparent in the way he lives. He doesn't have to hide anything. He is just being an open and honest man. We have deep conversations about everything now and that really leads me to believe that he is very honest with me. Even when we have hard conversations about triggers which I still sometimes experience, he is mostly able to listen and be supportive. Doing nothing and living my own authentic life has helped both of us too. Big hug, just breathe and stay true to yourself. You can only take care of you and your heart at a time like this.
DeleteNatanangel- I am in a similar position. It’s been 2.5 years since D-Day and my main reason for staying right now is for the kids and financial backing. 8 months after D-Day we quit our jobs and moved away from everyone and everything we loved. The OW was someone we both worked with. I couldn’t stand seeing her every day. I hated remaining professional every time she smiled or said hello, acting like she did nothing wrong. During that time I was desperate to hold onto my marriage and I thought the only way to do that was to start over, away from all the triggers. Every day I regret running away. Now that we’re here I can’t stand the thought of failing in my marriage after taking my kids away from everything they had ever known. So I stay. I have told my husband that I love him, but I’m not in love with him. On the surface we are great. We both go to counseling, we have set boundaries, our co-parenting/family relationship is solid, our kids are happy. Those things might not be good reasons for others to stay, but for now it’s enough for me to stay and continue trying. I question every day if there’s enough room in my heart for forgiveness and a second chance. Giving someone a second chance who is capable of such betrayal goes against so much of who I thought I was as a strong woman. My therapist continues to remind me not to put a time limit on my feelings. That there’s nothing wrong with staying and continuing to try until I know in my heart that I can’t try anymore. I don’t think that you are doing nothing. You are giving yourself time and grace to figure out what’s truly in your heart. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI agree with your therapist. You do not have to make a final decision right now, or next month, or next year. You get to decide what you want and how to achieve it. Nobody needs to stay in a marriage that deadens them.
DeleteSo...rest. You sound exhausted. You also sound extremely hard on yourself. You made a decision that you regret. That's okay. Let yourself off the hook. You were doing the best you could under horrific circumstances.
Again...rest. Continue to take care of yourself, to get to yourself again, to work through the pain and figure out your next right step. You don't need to make huge decisions, you can make small decisions each day that take you closer toward the life you want.
Thankyou Beach Girl. There’s so much here that resonates the way my husband speaks. I almost get irritated thinking he’s using therapy and SLAA language on me. I do have a long way to go and will keep coming back here for wise words such as these. Thankyou!
ReplyDeleteHi Rose! It sounds like an incredibly hard journey. Having to make decisions for no fault of your own, and forever living with that feeling of ‘OMG, he did this?’. It takes tremendous courage and grace to reach out and help someone in a similar situation so thank you for that. Waiting and watching is no bad thing, just wish the hurting would stop :( take care!
ReplyDeletePart 1
ReplyDeleteI am sitting at this crossroads.
I am recovering after finding out Friday (now early Monday hours) that my husband of 5 years together/2 married has cheated on me yet again, for the 3rd time in 10 months. I say recover because he tried to kill himself after I confronted him, he has spent 72 hours in a mental institution, and moves in with his mother tomorrow if he gets out. We have a 2 year old, and I’m doing everything to keep it together.
I managed everything. I got him into therapy and psychiatry. I made sure he took his medicine and kept notes for his doctors. I worked two full-time jobs in teaching to allow us the ability to live in a comfortable home close to both our families. I took the brunt of all housework. I took the brunt of care for our amazing 2 year old. I sacrificed myself for 5 years to allow him time and resources to deal with his suicidal bipolar depression, and he thanks me by fucking a bank teller.
I spent hours this evening articulating a 5-page, single spaced letter detailing and venting all the ways he did me wrong. I laid out my expectations and conditions for a year-long separation. How I want our time with our son, our money, our responsibilities to split. How he has to learn to take care and seek help for his mental health without me as a crutch. How if he can’t do that, he might as well consider this the beginning of the end.
How, if by some miracle he does change for the better, what my expectations would be in starting a new relationship with him. Starting from scratch, divorcing this version of him and swearing I’d never accept less than what I deserved. Stating how little faith I had in him to change, because he disappointed me every other time.
Telling him that I loved him enough to not pull the divorce trigger yet. Telling him I loved him enough to be stupid and possibly give him the umpteenth chance to prove himself. Telling him that I’ll always love him, but I’m done taking his shit.
Then I read the emails.
Part 2
ReplyDeleteI finally force myself to read them. And it shifts me into a completely different place. I told him I would read them after picking up his millionth call from the hospital phone. He told me our marriage would for sure be over if I read them. And he may be right. I don’t know how he can expect me to ever believe he loved or wanted me after seeing what he said and did with/to another woman. A woman who lacks in literally every department compared to me.
I may be vain, but I’ll openly say to anyone that I’m prettier, I’m smarter, I have a bachelors and masters in education, she has nothing. She’s married to a man who threatened to kill my husband after finding out about their affair, and she’s constantly offering to dump her twin girls on her mom or husband to try and hook up with my husband. As the only sane person in my situation, it’s abundantly clear that if they ever start a real public relationship, she’ll begin to cheat on him the moment she realizes what a piece of shit he is. I am a better woman, wife and mother in every imaginable facet, and I have to know that my husband has chosen her for 3 different periods of time over me.
I know it’s not me, I know there is no redemption in this if there is no change. He claims to recognize that and acknowledge that change is needed. Has offered to give up all technology, to rely on his mothers landline and the phone at work while we separate for a year. To give up his computer, or only use it if being monitored by his mother. To go into a weeks long intensive outpatient treatment program and to do what is necessary to get better. To learn how to accept and own up for his actions, and to face-to-face apologize to my entire family. To tell her mother and husband what was going on and to basically rat her out to her entire family. To do anything necessary to ruin and permanently sever that line of communication. To quit his job and find a job elsewhere. To go with literally whatever I want in return for giving him a chance. Anytime I question his motives or the cycle and repeat pattern of behavior or that I’ve heard all this bullshit promised before I’m met with “I completely understand what you are saying, I know I have given you no reason to trust me, but leave it up to me. I will do what is necessary to build that trust. I know you are worried about my loyalty, but I’m not”
Part 3
ReplyDeleteI want him to change. I want him to grow and learn and change in all the ways I need while I spend the year pulling myself off the back burner and learning to never accept more than I deserve. I want him to stay away from me and let me heal, I want him to go away until he’s a new man. If he can’t I want him to go away forever. The unknown is gnawing at me. The questioning myself and going back and forth with my decisions and not knowing which way is up. Right after reading those emails, I took the 5-page letter I wrote him and penned a big “F you, have fun ruining your live. Peace out”. I texted my mom and said I’m done and this is over and I’m filing for divorce ASAP. I sent texts to his phone I know he won’t receive until he’s out of the hospital, about how he chose that thing over me. How he would have to spend his life watching me find love with another man who would take care of me the way I deserved, and he would be left to suffer while watching from afar and knowing what he gave up to date an uneducated bank teller. I ripped him from one end to the other. I texted his mom and told her to have him call me tomorrow, so I can do it over the phone and ruin him.
I want this version of him to die. I want it to die and never come back. I want to stop feeling like I’m wasting my time. I want to move on with my life. I want to know what I’m supposed to do so I can just do it. I know this journey isn’t for my own personal growth. I’m confident and successful and sure of who I am. I know what I want out of life and that I deserve better than this shit. I knew I wasn’t going to change him, but I hoped to be the motivation that got him there. I want to be rid of this struggle and be allowed to live and love my life. But I want it with a healthy, trustworthy and new version of my husband. I hate this crossroads.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It is hell. And here you are, still standing. You are incredibly strong and brave. And I know much of that is mother-warrior, but still... I hope you can recognize that in yourself.
DeletePlease know that what you read in those e-mails is a fantasy. It is fiction. It is two unhealthy messed up people role playing.
That's the thing with affairs -- our culture tells us they're about sex and desire and attraction, when the truth is they are about escape and pretend and avoiding hard feelings. Ask anyone who works with people in affairs and they will tell you that, SO often, the affair-partner was less attractive, less interesting, less everything than the spouse. But they often something the spouse can't -- escape. A chance to reinvent. To be someone else. Affairs are cowardice and avoidance. There is little sexy or interesting about them. They are clichés.
You'll come to understand this.
But...for now, continue to focus on you and what you need. I hope you're in therapy too to help you process this pain but also to figure out why you agreed to a partnership that was so one-sided. My guess is this has been a pattern with you. Were your parents healthy or did you parent them? What about other relationships? There's a reason you stayed when it was clear he wasn't an equal partner. Taht needs to change, of course. You see that.
You are not wasting your time if you spend it getting to know yourself again. Discovering what you will and will not tolerate. Learning healthy boundaries. And the beauty of this work you're doing is that you'll be able to teach your child when he/she is older. You will be able to create a dynamic that, perhaps, didn't exist for you.
You'll be okay. I promise you will. This absolutely sucks. But you are discovering a strength and a resilience and a power that will serve you well.
I'm new here. Found this site via an article. I just found out yesterday evening that my BF of 9 years cheated 2 yrs ago. I never go thru his phone and last night, while trying to help him fix a WiFi issue on his old phone (he plays a couple games on it), I was drawn to look at the texts. First messages were from 'Andrew', but we're explicit, had pictures of them having sex and such and he was having a combo w her about life, etc. We were experiencing a big change. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. I haven't worked since 2017 and in 2018, when this message set was from, I wasn't having sex w him at a level that we once maintained. He told me he felt unwanted and rejected and made a mistake. I understand we all have needs. I've been thru a lot of therapy from my depression, anxiety and such and I know my lack of interest played a part. We have always tried to be open with each other, and I had even thought, to myself, when we stopped being intimate, maybe I could let him get some action elsewhere so I didn't feel the pressure. I never talked with him about those feelings and I always thought maybe something was going on, but I never acted until yesterday. I really want us to work this out. I know that for sure. He says he does too, and that he ashamed and so very sorry for doing this to me. I just hope I'm getting the truth. Idk how to believe anything he says at this point. Does that get better? I want to be smart about this and I am so glad I found this place. I feel like I will be able talk freely here and I'm so grateful for that opportunity.
ReplyDeleteWicked13,
DeleteI'm glad you found us too. And yes, talk freely. The women here are incredible -- smart and compassionate and we know your pain.
I'm sorry for everything you've gone through re. your health issues. That sucks. And yes, I suspect your boyfriend used someone else as an outlet not just for sex but to escape the fear and anxiety that he undoubtedly felt around your diagnosis. That's the thing with cheating -- it generally has less to do with actual sex than with escape. With pretending that things are different than they actually are, even for a brief time.
I don't doubt that you two can learn from this and establish a more honest, deeper relationship. You both want that. And yes, it will hurt for a long time. Betrayal is excruciating. I hope he realized just how deeply he hurt you.
Right now, you can't believe him. He has to earn that trust back. At first, by giving you access to his phone/computer/whatever. By telling you if he's tempted to cheat. By sharing his own pain around your health issues and trusting that you can hear them without taking the blame for them. This is not your fault. But it affects both of you.
Therapy would be great for both of you -- as a couple but perhaps also individually. Please continue to share here too. You are among friends.
Hi Elle and Ali,
ReplyDeleteThankyou for taking the time out to explain the unexplainable. I’m sure it must be hard bringing up old memories - but do know that the words and support mean a LOT to me at this stage! Yes, he’s doing plenty to change but I don’t feel it will ever be enough (if that makes any sense?). I also have a nagging feeling that I may not know everything, even though there’s no proof of that. I’ll be sticking around for as much wisdom as I can glean from here. As for staying in the marriage I feel zero love and I wonder if that will ever change xx
Natanangel, One of the most surprising (and good!) discoveries for me is that it doesn't hurt anymore. I can speak clearly and openly about what happened with ZERO pain. I never would have believed that when I was going through it. I never dared imagine a day that I wasn't consumed with pain. And yet...here I am. It's not hard to write about, it's not hard to talk about. You will get there too if you prioritize your healing and restore your sense of self. Whether or not you stay will not determine your happiness if you refuse to tolerate anything that isn't making your life better. He either steps up and becomes the man you deserve or you walk. Either way, you win.
DeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteThe post i originally wrote was way too long for this blog so I have to give a succinct version. I found this oasis by reading an article on repairing a relationship after cheating. My BF of 4yrs cheated twice that I can prove and have called him on and I suspect there's more times because I know he's not coming completely clean. I gotta say it's quite a story how I found out both times but character limits prevent me from telling. I caught him end of January because I found a video in his phone after he acted suspiciously. He was getting a BJ from a jumpoff (Google if u don't know what it is). Video cut off b4 they got to the main event. He made the video in Dec but I found out end of Jan. Ultimately I decided to move forward with the relationship. But I kinda blew off the issue he had with me regarding our relationship. No its no excuse for cheating and he acknowledged this, but relationship issues need to be addressed. In May, after i went thru his phone again after he was gone too long, I found 2 strange #s, basically interrogated him without letting on i went thru his phone, his timeline didn't add up so he confessed to cheating again with the same tacky ass jumpoff. Again, I was willing to try and salvage the relationship. We don't have kids but I have cosigned on his car so there is a financial connection. I did tell him he needs to refinance and get me off there. Our relationship had issues. I'm dealing with depression and anxiety since late 2017, I'm not my best self but I told him over a yr ago he could go with no hard feelings. He chose to stay. Yes I'm working on wellness but I've had several meds since 2017 and started another one in Jan. Feelin a lil better. He accepts that he was wrong, that i don't deserve this but he still hasn't given the entire truth. I watched the video again after I caught him in May and observed that he complimented the ho and they were havin a grand ole time. He doesn't do this with me. So I concluded he's more sexually attracted to her than me despite she's a hump, and I told him so via text. He needs to know how this makes me feel, the damage he's done to an already fragile person. I told him he needs to be mature enough to determine his wants and needs and be able to communicate them to his partner if he wants to move forward as I need to do as well. And I sent the link for Relationship repair to him because its very enlightening. He said he was tired of being dishonest to not hurt me (like cheating isn't painful,ugh) and he was gonna be brutally honest regardless if it hurts him or me. He said he loved me and mentioned all the good shit about me. He said we're gonna talk later. This was 11am on 5/14. Its now 9:15 and hes on the sofa (his current bed) watching ESPN. So I'm gonna force the issue and hold him to his word. I'm scared of this conversation too but we have to lay everything out,cheating, lying, intimacy issues, communication issues, whatever else if we stand a chance of moving forward. Ugh...I'll post the update after the Come To Jesus convo.
Char, I am so sorry for what you're going through. He's clearly got a lot of issues that need addressing. And here's the thing: You're taking responsibility for your mental health and being accountable. He is not. You are being mature and honest. He is not. That, clearly, has to change. What also needs to change is you consistently letting him off the hook for behaviour that is unacceptable. I suspect that will come as you work on self-respect. You have depression and anxiety -- so do a TON of people. There is no shame in that so please don't beat yourself up. Yes it can complicate relationships. But so can lots of things. (Incidentally, two of my three children have anxiety, one has OCD and the other bipolar, so I completely get how mental health issues can get in the way). Do you also have a therapist/counsellor to help you? If not, I hope you'll find someone. You deserve to feel worthy of love and kindness and honesty and respect. You are enough, just as you are. What he has done is not about you at all -- it is about HIS brokenness. It is about HIS inability to be honest with you, to have a mature relationship. As you noted, you've given him plenty of opportunities to choose differently.
DeleteSo...it sounds as though communication is a challenge for both of you. I would also urge you to seek out a couples counsellor who can help you work through this. Whether or not you stay together or not, it's crucial to be able to have difficult conversations with a partner. That is a skill that will serve you well no matter what.
Char...he didn't cheat because of you. That's the crazy thing about affairs. They aren't about what's wrong with you, they're about what's wrong with him. And he needs to address that with the same maturity and responsibility that you are addressing your own mental health issues.
I am completely lost... I have learned a lot of things that have completely turned my life upside down. One of my friends, hit on my husband twice, and he never told me about (until..) Last year was the absolute worst... I have always got real upset if we went too long without sex and begging and crying never worked. The only time I really "felt love" is when we were together. I have always wanted more than he would give, and has not in over a year initiated it, and rarely did prior. It had been 5 months, and he was so disconnected and did not seem to care at all about me or us and it was clear there was a major issue. It was clear when I found him sleeping at her place, or passed out there snoring in her bed. Crying and pleading with him, never phased him. Our two best friends, when I was totally unfunctionable trying to find out what was going on with my husband, all they did was lie to me and never even hinted that they were hiding a secret relationship with my husband and one of our friends. They hung out and went out, the four of them, together. After one of my complete breakdowns, after his best friend told me he does not know what he wants... I lost it, I could not comprehend that, he has a wife and kids, what did that mean. That evening he finally told me did not know what he wanted and that he was not attracted to me anymore. My life as I knew it ended. Fast forward, he was having an emotional affair with this supposed friend of ours. I believed him when he took his vows. Over the next few months I began to find out so many lies (I will never know everything), seeing his truck in her driveway then coming home and lying to me about where was, how our best friends knew and never hinted anything to me and lied to my face many, many times, all the time they were spending together and how often they talked on the phone (multiple times every single day- which he deleted off his log, along with the texts).
ReplyDeletepart one....
ReplyDeleteI am completely lost... I have learned a lot of things that have completely turned my life upside down. One of my friends, hit on my husband twice, and he never told me about (until..) Last year was the absolute worst... I have always got real upset if we went too long without sex and begging and crying never worked. The only time I really "felt love" is when we were together. I have always wanted more than he would give, and has not in over a year initiated it, and rarely did prior. It had been 5 months, and he was so disconnected and did not seem to care at all about me or us and it was clear there was a major issue. It was clear when I found him sleeping at her place, or passed out there snoring in her bed. Crying and pleading with him, never phased him. Our two best friends, when I was totally unfunctionable trying to find out what was going on with my husband, all they did was lie to me and never even hinted that they were hiding a secret relationship with my husband and one of our friends. They hung out and went out, the four of them, together. After one of my complete breakdowns, after his best friend told me he does not know what he wants... I lost it, I could not comprehend that, he has a wife and kids, what did that mean. That evening he finally told me did not know what he wanted and that he was not attracted to me anymore. My life as I knew it ended. Fast forward, he was having an emotional affair with this supposed friend of ours. I believed him when he took his vows. Over the next few months I began to find out so many lies (I will never know everything), seeing his truck in her driveway then coming home and lying to me about where was, how our best friends knew and never hinted anything to me and lied to my face many, many times, all the time they were spending together and how often they talked on the phone (multiple times every single day- which he deleted off his log, along with the texts).
part 2
ReplyDeleteNow I could go on and on, but to get to the point. I am the only initiator of sex and most of the time, about 99% I get rejected. I am totally chasing him, wanting to be with him, telling him what I want and how I feel, and no matter what nothing changes his behavior or actions his affection, appreciation, or attention toward me. When I bring things up, defenses go up, he gets upset. Just relax, why can't you keep stop bringing up the past, just when things are good you ruin it... I have been a researcher for years to learn why, what to do, how to fix, etc. And I am chasing him... I cannot even remember in the last 15 years, when I felt chased... I have always been the chaser... I NEED YOUR HELP
He has not seen or talked to her since Jan, has recently cut off visits to the unsupportive best friends which I plead with him to cut ties with, and only in the last few months have I felt more secure that he wants to be married to me, but still intimacy is a major issue... I continue to ask and hint for him to be intimate or demonstrate affection or interest in me, and it just causes problems. He does not think about it as much as I do, I am told. He will say things to put me off for a "very" short time, but still nothing. I know that when there is a lack of intimacy, some partners will go and look for it. I know that when one is unhappy, they will go and look for happiness. I will not cheat on my husband and no desire to be with anyone but him, and want no one to love me but him. It is just not actively reciprocated, and I am made to feel like I am crazy if I question any lack of what I ask for.
Thank god, he did not sleep with her. I have asked if he slept with her or kissed her or touched her in anyway, he denies it all. But has told me he was attracted to her. I do not think I will ever be told the truth, I believe him, but there are so many insecure untrusting feelings about everything.
part 3
ReplyDeleteI am just so angry that he betrayed me and even for a moment (three months) looked to another woman for anything... and thought about ending our marriage without any warning to me, sharing of his feelings with me, or even trying to fix what he had an issue with that caused him to turn away from me and our children. Giving me the impression and ensuring with his words that he would never leave or divorce me our entire relationship. He and I have both prided each other in our claim for loyalty and faithfulness and he has let me down in ways I truly struggle with daily. I try so hard to not bring up what happened, and he gets to defensive and angry when I do, but I still do not feel like he has proven his devotion to me (us). He says he will never leave me, but he kinda did, and then came back. He told me he would never cheat on me, but he did, he had an emotional affair. He tells me he loves me (all the time) but only verbal words. I have been begging for him to show me for a decade, and he continues to deny me sex and affection. I tell him I wish he would say nice things to me and compliment me, but he DOES NOT, EVER. In 20 years, I believe he has complimented less than 10 times without provoking the idea to him.
I struggle because my whole world has been turned upside down, cannot comprehend the things that have happened, and I feel broken. The man I looked to for safety and connection is now a source of uncertainty, fear, and doubt.
He often says I always turn things into something negative. Why is it I always point out the negative, like
“but you did this… or you said this… “. Something that justifies why I can continue to feel the way I do… I do not want to do that anymore, and sometimes I stop myself, but the thought is in my head.
I just do not know what to do, how to feel, how to act, what to say, how to make it better, how to get him to desire me, how to get him to open up to me (like he could with her)…. I just cry, hoping it will help. I write, so that my mouth stays shut. I read books and articles, to try and find answers.
After reading posts here, I feel like I should be grateful that my situation is not as betraying... but please understand I had faith in him and in our marriage, and he hurt me in ways I swore I would never be hurt by again.
My oldest child's sperm donor was the devil, words cannot begin to describe the damage he cause myself and my child.
His abuse and repeated sexual affairs and I just do not want to even think about him. Thank god I never married him, and I regret ever telling me he got me pregnant after pretty much raping me.. but I was a very young co-dependent scared girl. I thought my marriage would be free of unfaithfulness and repeated lying and so much pain.
I could go on and on about the pains of my past and false beliefs that I was going to be ok "now" and have a good life... Tears just flow...
Please help me!
I'm so sorry I'm just seeing this post now. I hope you've been reading the site and finding some measure of comfort from the many many women who know your pain.
DeleteI hope you have a counsellor/therapist to help you through this. You are experiencing trauma and you need help to move through it. You need someone to make it clear to you that you did NOTHING to deserve this. To help you determine if your marriage is worth rebuilding.
I suspect, too, that you have untreated trauma from earlier relationships (you mention the "sperm donor") and I wonder too if you have childhood trauma. There is a reason we tolerate such cruelty from others and it's often because we've been taught to accept it from childhood.
In any case, you will get through this but you absolutely must prioritize your healing. If your husband has any interest in saving the marriage, he, too, needs to get into treatment. Please respond and let us know how you're doing.
I am so lost right now, I don't know what to do. I am only 1 month past d-day. My husband of 15 years had been having an affair with a coworker for almost 6 months. While I was at work and our children were at daycare. I had no idea. I never thought he was this type of person. The reality of what happened feels like it hitting me like a truck daily. What confuses me most about the whole thing is that I was already so unhappy in our marriage. I was contemplating ending it before I found out about the affair, but I was too scared to try to make it on my own. We had become like strangers in the same house. He is a combat veteran and at one time many years ago sought treatment and was improving. Over time he gave up treatment, insisting to me that he was fine. It was a slow decline. All these years he responded to my concerns with denial and my pleas for attention and an involved partner in our marriage with rejection. So eventually I pretty much checked out and focused on the kids. Looking back the decline was much steeper this past year. Now that all of this is out in the open, he says he has been severely depressed and suicidal. He has sought treatment again, and he is sharing all of his feelings, good and bad with me. He really is putting every effort into making our marriage work. And I am so torn. I feel like there is so much I need to get past. The affair and the lies that went along with it. The years of feeling disregarded and rejected. The lies that he told me about his mental health, and his overall inability to tell me the truth about how he was feeling about himself, me and our marriage. And even though I am so upset about everything, I still worry so much about him and I want him to be healthy. I don't know the real reasons I am staying but for now I am choosing to stay. It's just so hard.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteLike you, I stayed. Like yours, my husband was essentially having a breakdown. I stayed to be a friend to him, because I wanted my children to have a functional healthy father. And then, when I watched how hard he worked to become a better person, to deal with his demons, I began to respect him again. Here we are, 13 years later, still together.
Like your marriage, ours was falling apart and I just didn't understand why. I tried at first, and then, like you, I began to accept that "good enough" was fine. But it wasn't. For either of us. He was acting out sexually and I was feeling neglected and emotionally starved. Part of the bombshell of infidelity is that it can create such destruction that the only option is to rebuild, whether together or apart. You get to decide. Take your time. You can decide tomorrow or five years from no. But do not compromise what you need in order to stay. Never put your needs aside for the comfort of anyone else. This is your wake-up call to start paying attention to yourself and what you need to feel alive.