We are creatures made, again and again, by what would break us. Yet only if we open to the fullness of the reality of what goes wrong for us, and walk ourselves with and through it, are we able to integrate it into a new kind of wholeness on the other side.
~Krista Tippett, The Pause, Jan. 16, 2021
Ah yes, the "other side". I felt certain that there was a line I would cross, a magical moment in time in which I would be "over this". On the other side. A place where I no longer felt the pain. Where I again felt whole. Normal. A place where I would feel kinda like my old self but somehow renewed.
I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there is an "other side". There is an after, a time when you are not consumed with the affair, when you will go days, weeks, even months without thinking about it at all and if you do think of it, it will not make your stomach clench or your heart hurt.
The bad news is it can take years to get there. And the neither good nor bad news is that it is not some magical moment but a process. You don't get there all at once but in increments. In steps. Sometimes you're aware of these steps, often you're not. Sometimes those steps are forward. Sometimes not.
It's the one thing I wish I'd known when I was in so much pain: This feeling will not last forever.
The other thing I did know instinctually was that nobody was coming to save me from that pain. I was going to have to be my own hero.
It's a tough realization. That he can't save you. That whether he stays or goes has less impact on your healing than the work you do to save yourself. To remake yourself.
We are creatures made, again and again, by what would break us, says Krista Tippett. We know this somehow even as we wish it was different. We know this even as our culture often tells us that pain is to be avoided, that broken people are to be pitied.
Remaking ourselves is the work of a warrior. It is the work of finding our wholeness. On the other side.
Yes. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteYou seem to know what to say at the right time! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way! its been months since I have actually felt emotional to the point of tears but these last two days have been hard for me. It definetly is a process and although i am proud of myself for how far i have come, i know i have a lot of work to do still (him as well). Its a journey thats for sure but it is mine no one else's.
DeleteThank-you, Anonymous. I hear that a lot which tells me we all need to hear, repeatedly, that we are going to be okay, that we are not alone and that we did nothing to deserve this.
DeleteA Woman's World, please please get in the habit of reminding yourself that you should be so proud of yourself. Healing from betrayal is the hardest thing I've done. It takes courage and strength and a willingness to keep your heart soft and open when everything tells you to harden it.
This group has been a godsend for me through all of this. My first anniversary of d-day is coming up (May 13). But the whole period of March 19 (the first day he slept with her in our home) and May 13 when I came home early from work and actually caught them in the act is going to be a challenge for me. The OW works as a postal clerk in the post office three miles from our home. She would come down on her lunch break arriving at 12:10 and leaving at 12:45. The had sex a total of six times during that period, but had been “talking” on and off for three years.
DeleteWe have been in both individual and couples counseling since, and he finally is starting to show that the counseling has sincerely worked. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I did not deserve to be treated like this.
I can’t believe I’ve come this far and this group has been there for me when I needed it. This particular blog spoke so much to me. I even read it to my therapist.
On March 19, I scheduled myself for a massage, on May 13, I’ve scheduled myself for a spa day with haircut, mani, pedi and then a visit with my childhood best friend. I will be with him in the evening and I’m not really sure what I’m going to say yet.
When I reminded him on March 19 that it was the first day he slept with her, he came back with “it’s just another day to me” but added that he was sorry and that he loves me.
So very sorry this is so long....we all will get through each of our heartbreaks in different, yet the same way. We will each find peace. I’m almost there. I don’t know how much longer it will take, but most importantly, I know I will cross that imaginary line and be whole again.
Best wishes and hugs to you all ❤️❤️
SuzyDV1, yes, you will. You are already whole though I know it doesn't yet feel that way. I'm so glad you've taken time to really consider how best to support yourself as you go through a difficult period. We can all learn from you. It's not "just another day", it's a painful reminder to you of the price of his choice.
DeleteBut thank-you for posting and sharing your story. We help each other heal when we show our most tender spots.
New here. Is this site for wives who stay married post adultery? I didn’t read the word
ReplyDelete“divorce” anywhere.
I have found this site to be supportive of any choice a woman makes post infidelity. It’s empowering. Elle, is nothing short of amazing. She has helped so many. Stick around whichever journey you are on (married or divorced). Welcome.
DeleteHi Ann. This is a site for anyone who has been betrayed, divorced or not.
DeleteAnn, this blog is for anyone who has been betrayed by their partner regardless of the outcome. Some of us stayed married and others chose a different path. No stigma regardless of where you are in your life. It is your life and you get to make your own choice without being shamed for it here.
DeleteAnn,
DeleteYou are absolutely welcome her, whether you plan to stay married or not (or remain unsure). Or whether that decision is made for you by your husband.
The goal of Betrayed Wives Club is to provide a welcoming space for anyone who's experienced betrayal. The women (and some men!) are compassionate and warm. They will offer advice if you want it, they will simply read your story and share your pain if that's what you want. It's about giving each other the space to work through the pain, reminding each other that we have value and are worthy of love, and supporting each other in whatever choice we make regarding our marriage.
Welcome to the club none of us ever wanted to join. It's an amazing place.
I believe what triggered my emotions was a dream i had last night. Does anyone else have dreams about infidelity that are absolutely haunting? Mine are so vivid and I cant help but wake up an emotional mess, and i find myself being hostile and distant to my husband. My dreams have almost created ptsd for me. Before i caught my husband being unfaithful i had dreams CONSISTENTLY of my husband cheating, almost as if my dreams were giving me a sign. so now when i have them, it makes me very paranoid. I would appreciate any advice or insight from you ladies that have also had to deal with reoccuring infidelity dreams
ReplyDeleteI too deal with the nightmares. I also had them BEFORE D Day as well. I wish I could give you a quick fix about it but, the fact is that the paranoia is still there for me. With therapy and being willing to talk about these things has made them less frequent however when the moments hit, they HIT HARD. My advice is to tell your spouse what is going on in your head to avoid the division because it sounds like you made the decision to make it work.
DeleteI had a dream a week or so ago that my husband wasn't attracted to me anymore. So vivid. I woke up feeling horrible.
DeleteOur dreams can sometimes be representative of something we're ignoring. But they can also be the wild ramblings of our minds. I wonder if writing them down might help you step back from them -- to you're observing them rather than feeling them (a sort of mindfulness technique).
In any case, I'm sorry you're going through this. The long tail of infidelity...
Wow, this comment about dreams has brought up memories and caught me off guard.
DeleteDays before our first D-day, I had a random vision flash in my mind of my H having sex with the OW (she was a friend). I noticed it, but had no reason (then) to think it was accurate. After the second D-day, when I discovered the YEARS of betrayals and OW, I realized I had actually had visions over the years of him with EVERY OW who I knew. One of them wasn't even someone I'd ever met, but knew they had a friend in common and I had noticed her website in his bookmarks. I never spoke of these visions when they happened.
This is what really makes it challenging, post-betrayal, to discern what my gut is telling me that is accurate, and what is not. I can make myself believe anything, proven true or not. Not helpful I know, and I try my hardest not to go down those mental rabbit holes. Climbing out of them is SO much harder and the trip down only keeps the focus misplaced on HIS actions, instead of my own strength and resilience. Healing after being gas-lit for years is no small feat.
Thanks Elle. When DDay hit I started writing and I stopped. I think i need to pick it back up whether its a good day or bad I believe it could be therapeutic for me and stop my head from being bombarded by thoughts.
DeleteThis is what I needed to hear. I started IC today and I’ve realized how much this has all messed with me. I caught myself in saying I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like myself again and then I said no, I will get through this. It will get better. We are 2 months DDAY and my husband is still confused on what he wants moving forward. I know there is affair fog. It sucks because people make mistakes. This one is just a horrible one that will take a lot to heal from. I needed to read this today.
ReplyDeletesfiguring,
DeleteYes, you will get through this. It will absolutely get better. I hope he pulls his head out of the fog but if he doesn't, you will nonetheless be fine. I'm so glad you have a therapist. You need a safe place to process this pain and figure out your next right step.
Yes, it does take years. You don't want it to but somehow time is stolen away. I'm 8 years out. Can't believe it myself. My H worked his ass off to keep me in the marriage everyday and still does. The only way I got through it was to eventually come to my reality, my marriage was over. I still don't think of myself as married. I don't owe him shit. I'm just not married, I'm still in a relationship. It is incomprehensible to me to consider we are married post affair. It took me 6 years to realize some peace in my soul. Pre-affair was only him. Post-affair - I have many girlfriends, I do community work, I write articles for our local newspaper, I bought a greenhouse and took horse riding lessons. I'm in the process of fencing and buying my own horse. Push back did I get? Hell yes but I ignored it. If I fail it will be on my terms and my decisions. Yet, I'm weak in some areas. When anything takes me back to "that time" I get that familiar pit in my stomach. I start to think about and make myself stop. I get quiet. He gets worried even now. That is ok. He had a dream the other night, I had an affair. He woke up disturbed. I thought you can only imagine if it was real. I still think about the psycho kindergarten teacher when we have sex, still compare but don't beat myself up about it. I still need extra support at times. I still see my therapist as needed. Sorry to tell you it doesn't ever go away. It does get manageable and everyone's way to overcome it is different. I love you all and when I read your comments, I feel so sorry for you. You are in prayers about once a week. You will get through this for better or worse - I mean YOUR better or worse. No one else.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right LLP. It does take years. I'm over 5 years now and divorced. I couldn't have stayed married to that pathetic shit, even though I did everything to try and keep my family together.
DeleteI'm glad you are living your life your way.
I have a girlfriend in her 80s. She was betrayed and divorced over 30 years ago. She said the trauma never leaves, it rarely surfaces, but memories of the betrayal have left deep scars. I get what she means.
Hugs
Gabby xo
Thanks LLP. This feels so familiar, even though I’m just a year and 3 months out since finding out about my husband’s chronic 5 year addiction to porn, massages and prostitutes. Tomorrow is our marriage anniversary and I just don’t want an acknowledgment of the day. I have told him we live together( for the sake of the kids, I need money to survive etc) but I am not married. We do not have a marriage. As time goes on I feel like I see everything from a distance - including his acts. What I can’t get over is him choosing to hurt me, well knowing it would be the end of a lifelong love and friendship. I don’t know this man and haven’t known him for very long. This is not a marriage. (Sorry anniversary is looming and I’m not liking it :( )
ReplyDeleteHi there.
ReplyDeleteI am new to your group. My Dday was February 3, 2020. Found out he had been having an emotional and physical affair with a married woman from the office 20 years younger with young kids since september 2019. Then he revealed just that just before that he had been having a long term on and off with a married woman a coworker also 20 years younger with small kids since June 2012. He said he wanted to try and make it work w us...together 41 years, married in 1988. Marriage counseling both to individual counseling...he then acted out contacting her several times, separated 1st time, begged to come home after three days..No ember 2020...then after I let him return in March he separated for three weeks to see if she was "the real thing"...he then said what an idiot he was, she was not for him...it was always me all along and he pleaded to come home. At week two I had contacted a lawyer to go forward with a divorce. He was so entirely convincing that I let him come back with written rules and agreements in place in april 2021 He wrote an email severing his relationship with the AP. He worked on some of the things, followed the agreed guidelines mostly...but i was still uneasy, easily triggered, he did not feel all in all the time...then this Monday he told me, "I love you but I love her more. Im leaving you and filing for divorce. And left.
Its over for me now, I did my best, trusted him multiple times only to find out all along he was supposed to be no contact he was in contact the entire time.
Advice for next steps, how to stop thinkingv about him w her, how to move forward...how to heal the incredible hurt...your ideas are most welcome. W are in our early 60's with two kids in their twenties who are being v supportive of me. Sorry this intro is so long
but its been a long and complicated 15 months. Thank you in advance!