It's been four years and I still haven't healed. The conflict with myself has destroyed me. My husband had an affair for a couple of months and decided to end our relationship to pursue this new adventure. I will note that he is an alcoholic. Two weeks later calls me and says he thinks he made the worst mistake of his life. So I tell him if he wants to work things out he has to go to recovery and get sober and he did. The problem was that the OW called me at work when he told her it was over and she proceeded to tell me everything that she knew about my marriage and our daughter and how he was this wonderful father(which he wasn't) and all my deficiency as a wife. How he never had anything nice to say about me and what a lazy,fat,disgusting person I was. He never denied any of these things and just said he " Played her". Needless to say, I can't get over how he shared our personal life with this horrible human and all these devastating comments about how he felt about me and yet came back to me. I have fallen into a depression that I have yet to pull out of. Full of self shame. And I feel the only reason he came back was to save face and do the right thing(in his mind).
Oh sweetheart, I ache for your pain. I ache that you believe all those lies she told you about yourself. What a sad shell of a woman that she had to transmit her own pain and put it on you. You are worth a thousand hers, a million hers. She is a wounded soul wounding others. And, honestly, your husband needs to do a helluva lot better than "I played her", though it seems that, in fact, he did that. (Hardly makes him a hero, right?) That he gave this woman the opportunity to have your and your daughter's names in her mouth is a colossal failure on his part. You should have been protected from someone like her and instead he invited her in. But here's the thing, Anonymous, you must fight for yourself. You must fight because you are worth fighting for. If you are not already in therapy, then please, get yourself there asap. You need someone to support you as process the pain of not only your husband's betrayal of you but, even more importantly, your betrayal of yourself. Because that's where the pain resides. That this woman spoke despicable things about you isn't the problem. That you believe them, that you let them live in your mind and your heart...that's the problem. You're letting the thoughts of someone who you would never ask for life advice...to tell you who you are. No, no, no, Anonymous. Nope. She is not worth your time. She is not worth your mental energy. And so she must be exorcised from your brain. She must be cast out like a demon. And you must replace her words with your own words of compassion and love. You must model this because you have a daughter who will likely grow to also say horrible things to herself about who she is. So many of us women do. We believe ourselves deficient. Ugly. Fat. Stupid. Not worth love. Not worth belonging. And it is all a lie. And we must replace those lies with the truth. That we are lovable. That we are fine just the way we are. You, Anonymous, are beautiful and kind and so worthy, despite how you've been treated by other (another's inability to love us is on them, not us). But you must tell yourself that until you recognize it as truth. It would also be nice if your husband apologized -- truly and sincerely apologized -- for what he did. But don't wait for him. Find yourself again, Anonymous. And when you do, remind her just how incredible she is. And then get her a good therapist. Please. She deserves to stop hurting.
It's been four years and I still haven't healed. The conflict with myself has destroyed me. My husband had an affair for a couple of months and decided to end our relationship to pursue this new adventure. I will note that he is an alcoholic. Two weeks later calls me and says he thinks he made the worst mistake of his life. So I tell him if he wants to work things out he has to go to recovery and get sober and he did. The problem was that the OW called me at work when he told her it was over and she proceeded to tell me everything that she knew about my marriage and our daughter and how he was this wonderful father(which he wasn't) and all my deficiency as a wife. How he never had anything nice to say about me and what a lazy,fat,disgusting person I was. He never denied any of these things and just said he " Played her". Needless to say, I can't get over how he shared our personal life with this horrible human and all these devastating comments about how he felt about me and yet came back to me. I have fallen into a depression that I have yet to pull out of. Full of self shame. And I feel the only reason he came back was to save face and do the right thing(in his mind).
ReplyDeleteOh sweetheart, I ache for your pain. I ache that you believe all those lies she told you about yourself. What a sad shell of a woman that she had to transmit her own pain and put it on you. You are worth a thousand hers, a million hers. She is a wounded soul wounding others.
DeleteAnd, honestly, your husband needs to do a helluva lot better than "I played her", though it seems that, in fact, he did that. (Hardly makes him a hero, right?)
That he gave this woman the opportunity to have your and your daughter's names in her mouth is a colossal failure on his part. You should have been protected from someone like her and instead he invited her in.
But here's the thing, Anonymous, you must fight for yourself. You must fight because you are worth fighting for. If you are not already in therapy, then please, get yourself there asap. You need someone to support you as process the pain of not only your husband's betrayal of you but, even more importantly, your betrayal of yourself. Because that's where the pain resides. That this woman spoke despicable things about you isn't the problem. That you believe them, that you let them live in your mind and your heart...that's the problem. You're letting the thoughts of someone who you would never ask for life advice...to tell you who you are. No, no, no, Anonymous. Nope. She is not worth your time. She is not worth your mental energy.
And so she must be exorcised from your brain. She must be cast out like a demon. And you must replace her words with your own words of compassion and love. You must model this because you have a daughter who will likely grow to also say horrible things to herself about who she is. So many of us women do. We believe ourselves deficient. Ugly. Fat. Stupid. Not worth love. Not worth belonging. And it is all a lie. And we must replace those lies with the truth. That we are lovable. That we are fine just the way we are. You, Anonymous, are beautiful and kind and so worthy, despite how you've been treated by other (another's inability to love us is on them, not us). But you must tell yourself that until you recognize it as truth.
It would also be nice if your husband apologized -- truly and sincerely apologized -- for what he did.
But don't wait for him. Find yourself again, Anonymous. And when you do, remind her just how incredible she is. And then get her a good therapist. Please. She deserves to stop hurting.