When the Other Woman (Sorta) Attacks

Just when I think mankind can't sink any lower, I'm given evidence that it's slipped another notch...or two.

The most recent for me (though it's old news by gossip mag standards) was a letter that Jesse James' alleged second mistress faxed to Sandra Bullock, offering up the usual blend of self-absorption, oblique apology and high-school "can't-we-be-friends-now" offer of resolution.

It's surprisingly common. Way back when I was coping with the breakup of me and my first serious boyfriend (and he was sleeping with my former best friend – FBF), I received a letter from FBF filled with recriminations, blame-shifting and spelling mistakes. I was incredulous. I was the injured party, I sputtered. She (and he) had hurt me!

Well...maybe. But that's only in the grown-up world where people accept responsibility for their actions and choices. Certainly not in the fantasy world of "but-we-couldn't-help-ourselves-we-were-meant-for-each-other" cheating.

BWC Member Erica found out about her husband's affair when the Other Woman sent her an e-mail outlining their relationship and adding that Erica's husband thought his wife was a "bitch". Ouch! And did I mention that Erica was nine months pregnant at the time of this little letter-bomb? I honestly can't hazard a guess why someone would want to hurt another in such a profound way. I imagine it goes back to the truth of "hurt people hurt people".

But while you can't stop some wacked-out OW from contacting you (though if it's consistent, you might want to seek legal advice), you can control your own actions in response to it.

1) For starters, DO NOT ENGAGE. These women (see Exhibit A, letter to Sandra Bullock) are generally attention-hounds. They love the drama. The spotlight. Take it away and watch them wither. They might ramp it up in the short-term...but they'll eventually make a mess elsewhere in their lives that will pull their attention away from you. In the meantime, put the focus back on you and your healing...where it belongs.

2) Don't step on their crazy train. The reason these women are involved with a married man at all is often because their low self-esteem is matched only by their competitive drive to "win". Oh yeah – and they're crazy. Remember Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction? Keep that bunny boiling image in mind any time you're tempted to retaliate, threaten or respond in any way that doesn't sound like: "Please don't contact me again."

 3) If you're trying to put your marriage back together, your husband must also cease and desist re. any contact with the Other Woman. A carefully worded, emotionless "no contact" letter should be sent by registered mail, insisting that the relationship was a mistake for both of them and that there will be no contact from this date forward. No reminiscing. No "last good-byes". Just No Contact from this day forward. Then he needs to honor that, even if the OW doesn't.

As for any invitation from the OW that you become friends? Bonded over mutual heartbreak courtesy of the man you both love? Uh...no. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Infidelity in the Public Eye: When Society Plays Judge and Jury

Though statistics about adultery vary widely, even conservative estimates put one in four marriages as victim. Some go so far as to say 60% of marriages are subject to infidelity. But even one in four means that most of us know plenty of others who are in the same situation as we are. But do we know them? While we might be aware of a few friends' marriages that fell apart due to cheating, there are likely plenty more that stayed intact and in which the partners kept the infidelity under wraps. Which means there's a lot of us invisibly wounded listening to all the commentary about various public infidelities – Tiger, John Edwards, Jesse James – and feeling a wee bit uncomfortable.
With Tiger's return to the golf course yesterday, I was subject to plenty of discussion regarding his addiction ("addiction -- ha!" scoffed many), his wife's actions ("she should just take his money and find a decent man!") and Tiger as role model (no less than Augusta chair Billy Payne noted that Tiger has disappointed all of us...and our children). While I simply repeated the fact that he's a golfer, not the Dalai Lama, and if we're idiotic enough to set up men who are paid enormous amounts of money to play a game as role models, then we have no-one but ourselves to blame when it turns out their moral compass doesn't always point true north.
But regardless, it puts us in an uncomfortable position. If these men are scum, then what does that make our spouses (scum, in some cases...but certainly not all). And if the women who stay are doormats, what does that say about us? If those who leave are champions of wives everywhere, what does that say about us?
The thing is we live in a world that loves things to be black and white, evil and good, wrong and right. And yet...lives are inevitably shaded in grey. I, for example, do a lot of work around environmental issues. A wealthy woman I know recently bought herself a tiny Smart car, a symbol of environmental responsibility. Of course, she also has an Escalade. An enormous house. And a boat. So...what does that make her purchase of a Smart car, which was bought more as a status symbol than in a desire to reduce fossil fuel consumption? Does it make it right (she's now burning considerably less fuel as she drives around)? Or wrong (it nonetheless takes resources to produce any item, whether "green" or otherwise and she could use her feet or a bike. Or sell her Escalade and donate the money to the Sierra Club)? The thing is, it's not black or white. As my husband pointed out to me, doing the right thing (a more fuel-efficient car) for the wrong reason (status) is still the right thing.
Which is a long way of saying that none of us should really stand in judgement of anyone else. While we love to call cheaters cads and scumbags, it's not always that simple. And women who stay aren't necessarily doormats and those who leave aren't necessarily champions.
So please, all you judges of morality. Stop broadcasting your opinions of every public figure that cheats. Given the one in four statistic, methinks you doth protest too much.

How Much More Can ANY of Us Take? The Infidelity Epidemic...

Bonnie Fuller, who has carved a career out of dumbing down magazines and saturating the newsstands with gossip, is calling on Sandra Bullock to "stop hiding" and "get sweet revenge." While I appreciate the sentiment ("you go, girl! We've got your back now!"), I object to the relentless "advice" publicly betrayed wives must endure. The recent People mag, featuring a beleaguered but determined looking Elizabeth Edwards, and with a cover line that reads "How much more can she take?" strikes me as far more supportive than calls to "get even" or "show him what he's missing," however well-intentioned these comments are.
Unless you've experienced betrayal, getting dolled up and smiling for the cameras can seem like an awesome idea. Flirt with some good-looking guy. Get photographed getting cosy and looking hot... Great plan. Except...it's not.
Putting on lipstick can seem like a Herculean task in the days following betrayal. Those who've been there know how bewildering the world seems. "You want me to get out of bed? And eat breakfast? And who are these kids and why are they calling me 'mom'?" You live in a world of sand and fog where nothing seems solid or safe, nor ever will be again. You hesitate before answering the phone. Or opening an e-mail, for fear of another disclosure.
So, please, give the girl a break. Give them all a break. And ourselves a break, while we're at it. Let Sandra and all the members of the Betrayed Wives' Club do whatever necessary to just get through the day. We'll get our groove back in our own sweet time.

Sandra Bullock Betrayed: Another Heart Broken...Publicly

I've never been much of a celeb-watcher, except for a regrettable period during my third child's infancy. She nursed nightly from 7 - 8 p.m. and I developed the habit of watching Entertainment Tonight. When I realized that I actually cared about J Lo and Ben Affleck's on-again/off-again relationship as if I actually knew them, I realized it was time to...get a life.
That said, since my own D-Day, I tend to hang on celeb's infidelity woes as if they're happening to a close friend. Perhaps it's because so few people in my real life know the truth about my marriage so we don't talk about infidelity. Perhaps it's because misery loves company. Most likely it's because, having become acquainted with the pain of betrayal all too well, it's hard to watch another go through it without wanting to reach out a hand to help them along.
The latest casualty is one of the most surprising, given her beautiful Oscar speech and equally heartfelt Barbara Walter's interview. Sandra Bullock has reportedly moved out of her home with Jesse James, following allegations of his infidelity. He's pleading "privacy for my family" but will admit that there's no-one to blame for the hurt his family his going through except himself.
Betrayal is painful, whether suffered privately or publicly. And James is right. There is no else to blame.