Thursday's Thought

 

Wednesday Word Hug: Resilience

Tribute to Elizabeth Edwards: Betrayed Wife

I never knew Elizabeth Edwards personally though many of us who've known betrayal feel as if we did. We certainly knew much of her pain.
And so many of us couldn't imagine how her pain was compounded. She'd already buried a son. Was battling cancer. And then to be so publicly betrayed. It all seemed far more than I could handle.
But she did handle it. Whatever her private battles, publicly she displayed grace and dignity. And by so doing, showed all of us what we, too, might be capable of.
If I had met her, I would have loved to have told her – on behalf of myself and so many betrayed wives who have abandoned hope – "thank-you."
Her last words were about hope and resilience. In a Facebook posting on December 6, 2010, she wrote:

I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces, my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope.... These graces have carried me through difficult times and they have brought more joy to the good times than I ever could have imagined. The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered...

There is little doubt that is her legacy to those who knew her intimately. And those of us who only felt as if we did.

Rest in peace, Elizabeth Edwards.

How Much More Can ANY of Us Take? The Infidelity Epidemic...

Bonnie Fuller, who has carved a career out of dumbing down magazines and saturating the newsstands with gossip, is calling on Sandra Bullock to "stop hiding" and "get sweet revenge." While I appreciate the sentiment ("you go, girl! We've got your back now!"), I object to the relentless "advice" publicly betrayed wives must endure. The recent People mag, featuring a beleaguered but determined looking Elizabeth Edwards, and with a cover line that reads "How much more can she take?" strikes me as far more supportive than calls to "get even" or "show him what he's missing," however well-intentioned these comments are.
Unless you've experienced betrayal, getting dolled up and smiling for the cameras can seem like an awesome idea. Flirt with some good-looking guy. Get photographed getting cosy and looking hot... Great plan. Except...it's not.
Putting on lipstick can seem like a Herculean task in the days following betrayal. Those who've been there know how bewildering the world seems. "You want me to get out of bed? And eat breakfast? And who are these kids and why are they calling me 'mom'?" You live in a world of sand and fog where nothing seems solid or safe, nor ever will be again. You hesitate before answering the phone. Or opening an e-mail, for fear of another disclosure.
So, please, give the girl a break. Give them all a break. And ourselves a break, while we're at it. Let Sandra and all the members of the Betrayed Wives' Club do whatever necessary to just get through the day. We'll get our groove back in our own sweet time.

Betrayed wife: Victim or Co-conspirator

Ruth Bettelheim wrote in The Huffington Post that referring to betrayed wives as "victims" of infidelity is dishonest, specifically noting Hillary Clinton, Jenny Sanford, Silda Spitzer and Elizabeth Edwards. She notes that any time a spouse is feeling abandoned, lonely or sexually ungratified, the chances are high that the other spouse feels the same way. In that way, she writes, both spouses have betrayed their marriage vows to "love, honor and cherish."
While I appreciate her point – that there are inevitably problems in a marriage that can leave a spouse (or both) vulnerable to an affair AND I, too, object to the term "victim"– I nonetheless disagree that betrayal doesn't render the betrayed spouse completely blindsided and crippled. Sure, in hindsight, I can see that there was plenty of writing on the wall. And sure, we'd both been ignoring marital issues for too long. But infidelity is a game-changer, and frequently, a deal-breaker. It takes a problem and turns it into a crisis. A hurdle becomes a brick wall, which must then be taken down a brick at a time.
So while I loathe the term "victim", the last thing a betrayed spouse needs is to feel complicit in her spouse's infidelity. We'll get to the point where we can accept responsibility for our role in the marriage breakdown. But never should a betrayed spouse feel as if she drove anyone to cheat...or that her behavior left her spouse little choice.
Victim? No. Co-conspirator? Definitely not. I'll settle for survivor...

Why do men cheat? The media tells us why...

Of course, it's not just the media who blames wives: for getting fat, for getting old, for nagging at their husbands to pick up their dirty underwear, for any number of reasons that others tell themselves (and the world) in order to delude themselves into thinking this particular hell couldn't possibly happen to them.

Problem is, they're almost always wrong. Even if the husbands themselves believe they're cheating because their wife isn't as sexy as she used to be, or as fun as she used to be, or as (fill in blank here) as she used to be, the reality is that he's cheating because something is missing in him. Something he thinks he'll find in another relationship or in a distraction.

But whatever he thinks he's doing -- or why -- don't fall into the trap of taking responsibility. If you want to make changes to feel better about yourself, that's great. But far too many of us change out of some misguided belief that if we were smarter/prettier/skinnier/fill in adjective here, then he wouldn't have cheated.

Me? I started dressing like a geriatric Britney Spears in a misguided attempt to feel sexy. Some even go so far as to undergo plastic surgery -- neither cheap nor painless. But when the scars healed, they were still themselves (albeit not quite so tired looking) and they still had to heal their hearts.

My advice: Focus on getting strong. Being kind to yourself. And treating yourself with respect.

It might be harder than surgery. But the effects will last a lifetime.