I ran into a friend today. Once upon a time we were close friends. She was a bridesmaid at my wedding; I was MC at hers. Now we're "it's-great-to-see-you-how're-the-kids" kinda friends.
She married a guy I can only barely stand. He's a small "m" misogynist. He works for a company that builds army machinery. I'm a feminist and a pacifist. We tend to disagree. A lot.
Yet there was my friend. Still happily married, or so it appears. And there stood I. Pieced back together after betrayal and though the cracks might not be as apparent as they once were, I suspect anyone who looked closely could see them.
And I was so jealous I was almost choking on it.
Not that I would wish betrayal on anyone. But why, when my husband was such a good guy, did it happen to me? It wasn't supposed to happen to me. I chose so carefully – someone who treated people, especially me, well. Who seemed so principled. Who shared my pacifist and feminist leanings.
And my jealousy and subsequent short-lived fury at my husband made me realize – yet again – that betrayal changes everything. I will never be the carefree wife who laughed at the mere notion that my husband could cheat. He just...wouldn't. Or so I thought.
That person is gone. And she bears little resemblance to me, who still struggles to trust that anyone can be true to their word.
Sure, I have my good days. When I can appreciate the silver lining of being dragged behind the betrayal truck until I'm raw and broken. The silver lining that reminds me that I'm stronger. And that my marriage has more honesty (not sure it could have less...). And that my husband is a better and happier man who's faced his demons and is evicting them one by one.
But I also have those days when I hate that this happened. When I seethe with jealousy at women whose lives haven't been gutted by their spouse's secret. Who can still look at their husband and believe. What I wouldn't give to still be one of them...
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
Betrayal does change everything. It taints every memory, it cheapens everything, I would rather that he robbed banks than did this to me.
ReplyDeleteI used to feel this way, that now, all the sudden, any ones marriage was better than mine-after my husband cheated!
ReplyDeleteBut, I am letting those thoughts go, they are not healthy and they are not true!
The marriage I have now IS THE ONE I ALWAYS DREAMED ABOUT!
The marriage I had before, I couldnt stand! It was only a matter of time, till we divorced!
THERES NOTHING LIKE LOSING WHAT YOU HAD, TO REALIZE JUST HOW GOOD IT WAS!!!
And, nothing better than, rediscovering each other and reviving something that was dead, into something too beautiful for words!
Dont sell your marriages short laides!
Marriages that suffer the tragedies ours suffers, only become stronger and better! And only when you realize what you have, do you cherish it!
Yes it sucks it happened this way,-bUT, THIS IS THE FIRSTIME IN MY MARRIAGE I CAN HONESTLY SAY I TRUST MY HUSBAND NEVER TO CHEAT AGAIN!
I wonder if your happy friend is just blissfully unaware of any shortcomings in her marriage, or is just smiling at you and silently dealing with a similar situation? I find myself looking at other relationships now with rose glasses. It happened to me, and I chose to deal with his betrayal and keep smiling at everyone, all the other ladies I know could be doing the same thing... ?
ReplyDeleteYes, you could be right. Like you, I began to look at every marriage I knew as potentially a total fraud. I'm now at a point where I realize that some are worse than they appear and some are probably better. In the end, it's none of my business. I want my friends to be happy...but every marriage has its peaks and valleys.
ReplyDelete