Okay, my wonderful wounded (but healing!!) warriors, let's do this. There's been so many wistful suggestions over the years about how great it would be if we could all gather. Let's figure this out. But I suspect we have different ideas about what we want out of this so I'd like to come up with something of a consensus:
•Do we just want to name a city that's easily accessible and then we can all sort out where we want to stay while we're there or do we all want to stay in the same (affordable) hotel? What's "affordable"? Any suggestions of a major hub that's easy to get to by bus, train or plane?
•What about activities while we're together? If we were to visit NYC, for instance, does everyone want me to try and get theatre tickets? Visit a museum? A bus tour? Or should I just try and book a room where we can all gather to laugh and cry in equal measure?
•I'm thinking fall makes sense, given the logistics in booking flights, etc. Does that sound about right for everyone else?
•Any other thoughts/ideas/suggestions?
Thanks!!
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
HI Elle,
ReplyDeleteI recently discover this blog in an attempt to find guidance with my upward journey from the betrayal aftermath. Thank you and all of the amazing warrior women who contribute here each day. It's been a source of comfort for me.
I think a retreat would be amazing. As someone who has planned this sort of thing (not to your scale, I'm sure, but as an author I've planned and attended writers' retreats), may I suggest holding it outside a major hub rather than in a city. Cities tend to be very expensive to stay and eat. It's also hard (and costly) to find meeting space. For example, instead of NYC, possibly the winery area of Long Island, the Hudson Valley area, or even the Jersey shore (deeply discounted in the fall). Bucks County (PA) is another great location.
Just a suggestion. You rock. Thanks for all that you do. ~SRB
O.M.G.
ReplyDeleteI cannot wait to be with my tribe!
I think if we could all stay in the same hotel that would be great, let’s start by choosing a place first then the hotel then the itinerary .. I’m so excited..
ReplyDeletemy first choice would by nyc, but I’m open to other suggestions xx
Will anyone else be coming from the uk??
ReplyDeleteXx
I might, this would be amazing!
DeleteI agree with SBR. (Experience: Airlines over a million miles, Hotel Platinum for Life - this is nothing to brag about.) A hub gives you quick access for transportation and less expensive. If you are talking NYC, I worked there for 3 years and it is super expensive. I"m thinking Providence, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Kissimme, North Las Vegas, New Orleans. Northern New York state is beautiful in the fall. These are just suggestions. Fall sounds great to me. I would be willing to contribute to one speaker with question and answers. The main thing for me is to share and be with you all who I have known for 3 years told my darkest stories, poured out my heart but I have never really met those to who I'm so close. So in the end I don't care where we are, I'll get there.
ReplyDeleteLOVE this idea so much! I'm in California, but will happily consider any location. Also happy to help coordinate in any way.
ReplyDeletellp I’m super excited like a kid at Christmas time : ) I’m with you don’t care where we meet just As long as we meet. I’ve been on this site pretty much daily for the last 4 1/2 years feel like I know you ladies more than my friends who I see daily xxx
ReplyDeleteI'll be there with bells on. Fells Point in the Baltimore inner harbor is really fun. Not sure how affordable tho. Philadelphia is totally underrated as a city and I'd be feet on the ground nearby to help with planning. Would also love to head south or west or just all meet up in Iceland. I've been seeing some great airline rates. Its a great place to live and work inf you are a women. ;)
ReplyDeleteSS1, I can hardly believe how close we are! (I’m on the Eastern Shore) And I’ve been to Iceland, LOVE IT, and would hop over in a heartbeat to meet with the BWC!!
DeleteOh, Periwinkle! I just got a little smile on my face. We lived on the Eastern Shore for a bit. That’s where my H and I bought our first home together. So many days I regret ever leaving. I’ve never accepted our current location as “home” although my children were born here.
DeleteMy first choice is also NYC area. Or easily accessible from the NYC airports since flying into smaller towns can get expensive if you are not coming from another major hub. Hudson Valley is great. New Jersey or Connecticut area too. Should we create a doodle poll or survey or spreadsheet to organize ideas?
ReplyDeleteHi sisters
ReplyDeleteThis has lifted my spirits.
Here, the West Coast of America would be ideal - guaranteed good weather. Nowhere cold/snowy please....
For my 2 cents worth. Like SS1 said previously
Day 1 - meet and greet and hugs and tears.
If wherever we stay if the hotel would do a package deal- accommodation, breakfast, lunch, dinners etc. Use of a meeting room. Somewhere we could go for walks etc.
Ideas for the "conference/retreat".
I'd be happy to put in for guest speakers.
Opening talk by Elle, other guest speakers, mindfulness session. If any of our sisters have skills, they could run a session, of eg yoga, mindfulness, women's health etc.
Let's finish with a gala night.
Wow. Lots of ideas.
We are meeting for the year aren't we?? LOL
Virtual hugs, until the real hugs
Gabby xo
Any possibility of a more central states location? Would love to participate but being from the Pacific Northwest, NY is a bit of a treck from this side ;)
ReplyDelete:) this makes me smile so much.
ReplyDeleteBlindsided.
I really hope to be able to come. I don’t have a real preference on where. I think it would be great if we were all in the same hotel. Honestly, to just be able to meet each other and talk in person would be great. I’m open to seeing local stuff as a group too. I’m would be coming from the southern-ish part of the States.
ReplyDeleteI think east coast is the best area to accommodate both west coast and UK flyers. We are always willing it seems to at least meet half way. But i only know major cities. I would imagine a large city, more non stops, less fatigue. More time with each other. Less in the air
ReplyDeleteI TOO works be willing to pitch in for a main room-maybe a suite with a lock off bedroom) to act as a meeting area along with my own room (as opposed to a conference room) and bring in a speaker for a day. Maybe if there are people who feel drawn to each other might feel a need to save money and bunk up.
In NYC LAST FALL the minnilial hotel just off Times Square was priced at 162 a night Great location. Great updated rooms . What prices sound expensive to you all? Fly in Thursday night or Friday days. Hang as a group Friday in the group room orvfinner out. . . Free time or speaker Saturday. Dinner sat night. Out Sunday or Monday morning? It’s a lot to pack in for a weekend. But— is that easier than a mid week? I’m willing to work on either!
I would love the opportunity to go, so would it be possible to have a location that's convenient for us from the UK to get to with as few flights as possible? X
ReplyDeleteI don't care where or when and I will be there if I have to walk! I will start putting pennies aside now! I live in Kentucky and land between the lakes has a lodge, camp sites, cottages etc if you want fun and cheap!
ReplyDeleteI suggest Indianapolis. It's centrally located and an awesome city! It's great for meetings and there's a lot to do.
ReplyDeleteElle, I'm not sure where to post this. Please drop it into whatever post you feel might get a reply. I need guidance, I need help.
ReplyDeleteMy posts here tapered off over the last two years because we were moving forward and I was so focused on forgiving and looking forward. Looking back, my posts as "Random Thoughts" and, in the beginning "Legal Lass" started out bleak and desperate. Over the 3 + years they became more hopeful as my husband and I were moving forward. Throughout the last three post affair years he has been everything I ever wanted my husband to be. In October though he completely changed, withdrew and said he was leaving. I had just gone on a trip with my sisters and was anxious about him the whole time leading up to and during the trip. It was the first time we had been apart since the big event three years prior. I never told my family about the incident so I couldn't share my fear with anyone but him. I completely fell apart and got scared about leaving. It brought all of it back again. He said he couldn't stand to see the pain he had caused and he felt I would never fully trust him. So he went out, got a separate bank account, separate phone account and we started the process of separating. I fought it for a few days but finally accepted it as a loss and went along with it. A few days later he said he wanted to try again. I once again went along with it because I am now a go-to. We fell into our daily routine and moved forward. I expressed how hurtful it was that he still had his own phone account and continued to lock his phone. It seemed as if he was keeping one foot out the door. I learned to look past it and chalked it up to one more thing I was willing to give up for the same of our marriage. But it silently ate at me because, though I know he wasn't xgeating, he wasn't willing to lose the argument in order to give me some sense of peace and safety. So we move forward with me losing yet another piece of me.
I mentioned a few days ago that he seems distant and his touch is different. He was silent. I pushed and pushed until he spontaneously announced that he's not sure what he wants and that he's leaving....again. Sigh. He seems so lost. He doesn't seem to know whether he is coming or going. I want to reach out and try to save him from his erratic behavior but I feel I don't have a fight left in me. I think it's finally time to save myself. I'm not fighting it this time. I'm just too damned tired.
We don't earn enough for two residences but he put a deposit down yesterday for an apartment in March. I will stay in our home with our 21 and 24 year olds who are working but barely making their own bills. I'm scared and stressed but accepting that my marriage is over.
Many months ago, we scheduled our 30th anniversary trip to the Carribbean for next month. It will be the only major vacation since our honeymoon 30 years ago. It's paid for and mostly nonrefundable so the plan is to still go. In all honesty, my expenses will be so tight when he leaves, I won't ever have a chance for a vacation like this again. What are your thoughts about this situation and decision?
I was so angry at home yesterday. I said horrible, cruel things. I later apologized and told him I would support his decision to leave and acknowleged that he must be just as scared as I. We settled down, talked, held each other all night. Tonight we are going dancing as we always have. And this morning he baked cookies for me. WTF?
Is it a mistake to stay this close prior to a divorce?
Help.
Random, I wrote a lengthy reply and lost it ... this is a short test
DeleteOk, seems to be working. I have not written or even been reading this blog in a long time. Random, I wanted to respond to you. My husband and I went through a very similar situation, only I believe we went back-and-forth many more times. I, like you, was too tired to fight and agreed to a divorce in November 2016. We went so far as to separate our assets, on paper. We were sleeping in separate bedrooms, beginning to lead separate lives. I made my second visit to the divorce attorney. We then came back together. I am happy ... so this may seem like strange advice… I would suggest that you do not go on the cruise with your husband. Do go on the cruise, perhaps take a friend or family member. If my husband ever again asks for a divorce, I will ask him to leave ASAP, preferably that same day. If we did divorce I would be his friend - he is a great person (albeit a little messed up LOL) yet it would take me a great deal of time to be his friend. I need the distance in order to emotionally separate and become grounded myself. Having said that, the decision as to whether or not to go on this cruise with your husband, is totally yours. As Elle has taught me, “the next right step.” You know what that is. We all make the right decisions. And with those decisions, we learn and grow. Trust yourself.
DeleteHugs, peace and light.
Random Thoughts, your situation is confusing and I'm not sure I have any answers but I wanted to share a few suggestions or things to look at. Just before I found out about the affair I thought my husband and I were struggling in our marriage and we were deciding whether to separate or not. The love and/or expression of it was not there at the time. Fast forward to four years post D-day and a reconciliation but not what I would call a romantic or wholehearted one. Something was still off. He deceived me again about some things and recently began some inappropriate friendships and meetings that may well have led to more. Even though he'd done some reading and a small amount of therapy, we had not got to the heart of why he continued to self-medicate with inappropriate behaviour. We had not identified and dealt with a deep seated depression and self-loathing. We had not broken though BOTH of our lack of trust in the relationship and feelings for each other. We've only begun to do this now through marriage counselling, depression courses, and now individual counselling for him. Perhaps its how you had to summarise your story for the post but the final decision to part seemed sudden. It also seemed rooted in your husband's feeling of total defeat in you ever getting over the affair. It seems a very similar depressive reaction to how my husband handled things, rather than a search for how to make things better. His distance from you re touch etc also suggests something - perhaps depression and hopelessness, or perhaps another dalliance or affair. You say you want to save him from his erratic behaviour but don't have it in you. Have you been to counselling (I avoided it and we tried to sort things ourselves but we were out of our depth and my husband continued to make poor choices and be defeatist. I totally understand where you had to put up with things you didn't want to and 'lost another part' of yourself. Only now, looking back over the last 4 years can I see how I compromised myself and my mental health. I drew a line and would be separating now if my husband had not gone for the help he needed. I will still separate if it does not seem that he can be helped. If you are confident that you have done everything YOU can do, bearing in mind he has his choices to make then you can separate with more peace of mind. Are the cookies and the holding a residue of the good in your marriage that you are leaving behind or an indicator that you are both not done yet? In any case, whatever you decide I don't see why you should not go ahead with the trip. We live in limbo for years, the trip is a pleasant time for you to enjoy once you set any boundaries you need and are comfortable with. I don't see any harm in it, whatever you are deciding. See it as something for yourself.
DeleteThank you Melissa and Fragments of Hope. I'm so confused and lost and scared. I say I don't have another fight in me because he says he is leaving in March and that's final. He says if he leaves he can't hurt me anymore with his inconsistent behavior.
DeleteHis need to flee has been going on since a few months prior to his infidelity. He had turned 50 and changed. He became moody and down. He seemed restless. Searching for something though I don't think he knows what it is. He seems lost and intent upon making himself miserable. I've tried to reach him. I've tried to understand. He's not cheating, at this point that would be the easy problem. I've swallowed my pride and put my pain aside to shower him with love and understanding. I've suggested therapy and also hormone testing as men have imbalances too. Every effort I make pushes him further away from me. I'm watching him suffer in silence and its as though he is slowly dying and there is nothing I can say or do to reach him. He says he cares for me and doesn't want to hurt me but I've never been so hurt in my life, not even after the big screw up.
I have decided to love him over the next two months as much as I can without falling too far in. I don't really talk to him anymore. He holds my while I sleep and he goes to work. I hurt and ache and have to remind myself to eat and drink and stay healthy. I can't afford to fail, I can't fall apart completely because I will lose my job and our home. There is no time or space for me to deal with this other than the hours after work in the evenings. As of now, the February Caribbean beach vacation is still on and we'll celebrate our 30 years and I'll will use that time to find myself and try to heal before beginning the scariest next chapter of my life alone.
I recently read this book based on a recommendation here Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond by Anne Sheffield. While not knowing for sure that your husband is suffering from depression, so much of what you said resonated in the book. The book also helps when the other half won't accept a problem or go for help and helps the spouse move forward out of that situation in a positive way for themselves. Best of luck x
DeleteRandom,
DeleteArgh. I'm so mad at myself for not responding to this. I saw it, was going to come back to it, and well...life. I'm so sorry.
And I'm so sorry you're going through this. My advice to you might feel a bit harsh but I honestly think it's time to just cut this guy loose. And I think the least he can do is give you your Caribbean vacation -- on your own, with friends or with your children or with your sisters. You could go with him but I think he keeps you on a string and I think YOU are going to have to be the one who cuts that string, for your own sake. I don't think he's necessarily doing this intentionally -- he likely is just messed up -- but it's nonetheless cruel to ALWAYS put your own needs ahead of someone you supposedly love. YOU matter, Random. I wonder if you've forgotten that. I wonder if you're so accustomed to bending to everyone else's needs/wants (especially him) that you've forgotten that you matter.
Of course, you got mad at him. That anger is your cue is that you're forgetting yourself in this, that you're not fighting for yourself. Not your marriage, but YOU.
Thanks Elle. I truly have forgotten myself. I've thrown everything I have into this marriage and now I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. How the hell does such an amazing man crumble like this?
DeleteThe truth about the trip is... I never asked him not to go. Up until three months ago he was my best friend through thick and thin. We've never had extra money or nice trips. This was going to be special. I don't want him to miss it. I think he deserves it as much as I do. I don't know how to save him from himself and his strange choices. We will get through the vacation and end our marriage when he leaves in March. I'll be kind to him so I have no regrets and then I will rebuild my life. 6 weeks it's nothing after loving someone for 30 years.
What a waste. We are two people who love each other and fought for each other and now we are nothing because he's giving up.
RT, You're an amazing soul. I'm in awe of your compassion.
DeleteI would love to come too. I read BWC all the time and have gained so many insights and so much perspective, I feel like I know most of the people on here very well. And of course, Elle, is my heroine and savior.
ReplyDeleteThough I don’t post often, I would truly love to join everyone. I, too, am in California but I will gladly go anywhere for the chance to meet up with all you wonderful, amazing and beautiful warrior women.
How about Utah? Its incredibly beautiful and there is so much to do-hiking, outdoor concerts just to name a few. Its also very easy to access.
ReplyDeleteSo happy about the possibility of a retreat. I havn't posted before, but have been following for the last year. Reading other peoples stories has been a great comfort and support to me. I second the NYC area or Philly, but would try to make it to any location. LR
ReplyDeleteI would love to come if finances & childcare allow. I'm based in France (nowhere near a major airport) so cannot commit at this stage.
ReplyDeleteGood idea to have one guest speaker (as well as Elle) & some yoga/reiki/mindfulness. Most important will be for us ladies to meet. Coffee breaks! Walks in nature? A park?
I know a big city might be easier to get to, but feel a lower key setting would be better for all the energy & emotion that are sure to be shared.
This is such a great idea and I hope I can be there with you all.
Does anyone want to take a roll call? What state? Which part of Canada or the UK or world you are in? I think there are quite a few of us outside of the US and Canada.
ReplyDeleteColorado and Utah would be easy for me but if people are coming across the pond that’s a ton of travel.
I’m in California.
Yes a roll call can help with major hubs for uk and West coast as well as us in the east coast that said I have Atlanta or Charlotte on the east coast as major hubs but I know that my h will agree to anything because he knows that what we’ve been through doesn’t compare to my current situation with my mother!!!
DeleteHi guys I’m in the uk
ReplyDeleteI’m in Minnesota.
ReplyDeleteHi everyone! It is exciting to think I might meet my long lost relatives. Depending on the time of year I would be either in Washington, Arizona or Hawaii.
ReplyDeleteThat’s where my son lives! Brrr!
ReplyDeleteOh wow, count me in! I live in Cincinnati and will make this trip happen somehow. The only weekend I cannot attend is the first weekend in October...job commitment that I absolutely cannot get out of.
ReplyDeleteTold my H last night I'm going. I live in Mississippi.
ReplyDeleteIf I can get there, the latter part of September would be better for me.
ReplyDeleteGabby xo
I live in Florida. Though I don't comment much. The Betrayed Wives Club is the most helpful and has been to me. I would LOVE to come!
ReplyDeleteI'm also in Cincinnati, Ohio.
ReplyDeleteI'm in Aus so NY might be out of my budget haha! I'd LOVE to meet others though. So isolating this experience.
ReplyDeleteLike LLP I travel a lot for work and have planned many girls trips with 20 to NYC but I am not a travel agent. The two airports easiest to get to in the USA are Atlanta and NYC (JFK/LGA/NWK) easy for everyone to get to including overseas travelers. NYC would be my first choice because so much to do. Both NYC & ATL are easy for 'excuses' that we are going for work or a girls trip if we want to keep the purpose of our trip to ourselves at home. If NYC just don't stay in mid-town and avoid the busy seasons (Thanksgiving, Christmas, spring/summer breaks) and I think you can find <$150 with easy access to subway. Title it something fun so we retain our BWC anonymity. Plan 2-3 days worth of activities that are all opt-in (ala-cart). Definitely include something physical activity... maybe morning yoga class scheduled at the same time as a morning run so there is something that fits everyone. Time in a secluded space to just have a glass of wine or cup of coffee and sit in a room together and talk. An off-Broadway show can be very good and less expensive than a Broadway show. Maybe a bus tour scheduled at the same time as a walking tour - those can both be cost effective. Ferry to see Lady Liberty - now that is fitting!
ReplyDeleteI like the sound of that brown eyed girl xx
ReplyDeleteI'm in central California and I'd love to meet all of you
ReplyDeleteI've tried posting here with my WordPress user name, but it isn't showing up. Anyway... I have not been one to post or comment often, but have followed this site for 5+ years, and it has been a place of tremendous support, comfort, and insight. I am so interested in a gathering with you ladies! I live in Indiana.
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous, I'm so non-techy, I have no idea how to post with a WordPress user name. Maybe others can help?
DeleteNews about the retreat will be coming soon. Still sorting through details. It's a bigger job than I thought! :)
Thank you Elle... I will stay tuned. (as I always do)
DeleteChicago ...Nashville ... Orlando... lots going on this year would love to see all you warriors in person if i can swing it with $ work childcare you know the drill ... however i believe too the planner is in charge of it all ... if you build it they will come.
ReplyDeleteRandom, I so feel for you - I was in your shoes with a husband who seemingly changed overnight. I too was searching for answers, wanted him to have a physical check up (he did) a hormonal check up (he didn’t) counseling (he did some) ... I kept looking for the why, to save him, save us ... it seems only when I stopped ... did we come back together. I’m not saying this as a strategy, or even knowing if you want to come back together. I do know though that when I chose me ... he slowly came back to himself and then to us. I remember Googling “how to emotionally separate from the one you love” or something like that. I kept fighting because I knew he didn’t intend to hurt me - he was screwed up - my counselor taught me, intent or not, he WAS hurting me and I had to care for myself. I continued to love him and love me ... and whenever I could I read about and meditated on separating emotionally, which often meant self care. This may sound cliche, yet I believe there is a lot of truth ... if you are meant to be together, you will be. Love him if you choose, and more importantly, love you. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be whole.
ReplyDeleteMelissa, Thank you!!!
DeleteI live in Florida. I certainly would hope to come; I do have two other retreats of sorts that I’m going to this year ... so not sure of funds. Many wonderful suggestions here ... my suggestion would be to not over complicate the get together. it Is most important to be together, with space and time to just be.
ReplyDeleteWould love to join! I'm on the east coast but happy to travel. How do I sign up? Been a longtime fan and lurker...
ReplyDeleteDetails to come. Getting some help with a site that will include all the info and allow for registration/payment.
DeleteStay tuned!
Great!
Delete: ) xx
ReplyDelete