:) this is why sharing your struggles here works. We bond through similar struggles and have the compassion to offer assistance to those that are new to the journey.
I hesitated to post this but I thought some woman can look at this as a religious thing or if your not religious look at as historical writings. Regardless it made me feel good.
Proverbs: Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day’s work for her servant girls. She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy. She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothes. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise. That is US.
OW from Proverbs - For a prostitute is a deep pit and a wayward wife is a narrow well. Like a bandit she lies in wait, and multiplies the unfaithful among us. The words of another man's wife may seem sweet as honey; they may be as smooth as olive oil. But in the end she will bring you sorrow, causing you pain like a two-edged sword.She is on the way to death; her steps are headed straight to the grave.She gives little thought to life. She doesn't even know that her ways are wrong. Now, my sons, listen to me, and don't ignore what I say. Stay away from such a woman. Don't even go near the door of her house or you will give your riches to others, and the best years of your life will be given to someone cruel. This is the way of an adulterous woman: she eats and wipes her mouth and says, I have done no wickedness.
I hope I didn't offend anyone and I'm not preaching or suggesting anything. This just simply made me feel good today, nothing more.
Isn't it interesting that there isn't a section warning wives about cheating or adulterous husbands though! I suppose we don't need the obvious pointed out to us the way that some men seem to...
Over the years I have read these Proverbs often. I also know that "when she eats and wipes her mouth" it means she has enjoyable sex with someone else's H. (I tend to take things literally!)
Bahahah thanks for the laugh. You are so right. They are clueless. Beyond clueless. But they have to be to get up and live in their own skin. I couldn't look myself in the mirror. Hopefully one day they will get it however... because then they have to live in their own minds and understand the kind of person they are... which would be the best poisin for them. That and maybe a really disgusting case of uncurable genital warts. Blindsided.
And after what we experienced it makes sense why God allows for divorce in cases of adultery. Until I experienced infidelity the magnitude of why He gives divorce grace under these circumstances could never be understood.
I’ve started to post a few times since Tuesday evening and have stopped. I know that aside from my husband and my therapist that this is a place where I am safe. I can share with you all what’s going on with no fear of judgement. I found out Tuesday that the OW is divorcing her husband... the husband I never told about the affair. She has, fortunately, stayed away since d-day. April will be three years. She tried to stay visible through mutual friend on social media for about half of that but has never contacted my husband. So, here I am... anxious.., creating all kinds of horrible scenarios in my head. What if she tries to contact my husband? What if, now that she’s divorcing, she decides to open up about the affair? What if she’s finally told her husband and he does something crazy? I told my husband and we talked. He feels like we’re stronger now as a couple then we’ve ever been. If a situation arises, we’re a united front and we’ll handle it together. But for me, it’s bringing back all the feelings from the early days of having to be guarded, waiting for something bad to happen. I know I can’t control anything and even that my expectation that something bad is going to happen may be a bit unreasonable. Maybe it’s just dredging up old emotions and feelings. I go back to the therapist next week so I’ll definitely discuss it with her. In the meantime, I just needed to talk through this, needed someone else to hear me. Thanks for listening.
Dandelion, I've wondered about this scenario playing out with me too. I would be worried about all the exact same things you are. And I guess none of that worrying would make any of it any more or less likely to happen. I think what you need right now are ways to deal with the worry and not any of the actual events (because none have happened yet and may not). Exercise, meditate, get a massage, and know you are not alone. I will worry about these things for you too so you don't carry as much of the worrying weight. When it's my turn and the OW in my life divorces I will tell you and you can help me worry then. Deal? Wishing you needless worry and the tools to handle it.
I'm sorry that you are feeling so anxious. You are reacting perfectly normal under the circumstances. Your husband sounds like he "gets it". Please tell him what he can do to help you feel more secure - extra hugs, more sweet kisses, some extra loving words. Remember, you are stronger now and between the 2 of you, you can handle the old emotions and feelings. Be sure to share them with your H. Good move talking it out with your therapist, too. Bless you and may your OW have a horrible divorce so she doesn't have time to bother you! (I'm feeling mean today but she deserves it!)
Dandelion - I can only imagine that this revelation sends you right back into the stress and trauma immediately after D-Day. I love that you were able to talk to you H and that you are going back to your therapist. Kudos to your H for handling it, by the sounds of it, in an adult and loving way!
Dandelion, it's the stuff of nightmares, isn't it? I would be sitting around fearing for the other shoe to drop too. It would definitely be bringing up feelings for me. I'm just waiting / mentally preparing myself for my ex to announce that he's back with the skank or that she's moving locally. I'm so glad your H was able to hear you and be there for you and said what made you feel supported. That's good stuff. I see my therapist every other week now and I wish I could still afford her weekly. Thank goodness to have the BWC when we need them!
I totally understand those feelings. I would feel the same way if I got that news. My husband had two ow. One has only contacted him once since dday and that was due to a mutual friend. The other ow and one of her friends has tried to contact him many times. One thing we did early on is exactly what you did by setting up a plan and discussing how it should be handled. I trust my husband that he has told me each time. And together we decide what to do. He is as bothered or more bothered than me so that helps a little. He has told me he thought about just deleting the texts/voice mails and not telling me since he understands the pain and trigger but he said he reminds himself he wants to be transparent. My dday is in March, three years too. I have been having major anxiety and other feelings. I have a feeling it is the time of year. So many things remind me of that year and the years before. It is strange how I can be taken back to an exact feeling so easily.
To me it sounds like you have both agreed and have a good plan in place. That is the most important thing that you are a team. None of this is easy but so glad you are to the point where things are strong as a couple. Keep us updated!
Hi Dandelion, I totally get your anxiety and I'm sorry this is stressing you out. I am also glad to hear your H is being so caring, "united front," etc. Sounds like he has really become a man you can rely on. And... I hope I explain this the right way...Your timeline is similar to mine and I had read what you had written way back about not telling the OW's husband, and it helped me a lot to figure out what I wanted to do and how I felt about it. I too ultimately did not tell the husband of one of the OWs. I still struggle a bit feeling like she got off scot-free, life of sunshine and roses and adoring men falling at her feet. So I feel better knowing that may not be the case, that maybe her life/marriage went to shit too. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not cheering for divorce -- I understand there is heartbreak on all sides -- but I am glad to know that even tho I didn't tell her H, this OW may ultimately face some consequences of her behavior too.
Thank you all for being there! I honestly got choked up reading your responses. I needed support and you all were there. But I’m not surprised. ❤️
Ann, Deal! We lift each other up here and I would gladly take that weight to give you a break, too.
Carol the First, Yes, my husband gets it. But I do need that reminder to say exactly what I need. And there is a part of me that hopes her divorce brings at least a portion of the pain I’ve felt.
Kimberly, My H has grown up a lot. The way he is handling this reinforces that.
SS1, As this was happening and I was feeling the anxiety, I remembered some of the things you’ve posted about. I had to remind myself that my reaction was based upon past stuff. I’m trying to refocus on now.
Hopeful, We do have a plan. I hope we don’t have to use it. There’s a lot of reassurance in knowing we would now handle it together where in the past, he might have done what he thought was right for both of us.
Sal, He has definitely mad a lot of changes. And I understand what you are saying in regard to having the slightest feeling that things may be catching up with her.
Theresa, I’m glad to hear that you would be facing it with your husbsbd beside you. But I too hope you’re never put in that position.
Poppy, I’m sorry you ever have to see her. And that she had the audacity to wave? Next time you see her running you should slow down and spray your windshield as you drive past. The look on her face as she got sprayed with windshield wiper fluid would be priceless. LOL
Dandelion I can relate to your anxiety knowing she’s about to be single. My h told me basically that same thing...that we’re stronger as a couple and even if we run into the cow in public we’re going to handle it together and walk away from her... I just hope that never happens...
I get to see my h’s cow on a regular basis as we live in the same neighborhood and she runs on the road I use to leave. This was a woman I thought was my friend and who contacted me after d day to apologize and say it was all her fault, not my h’s. Well the last time I saw her running, she waved to me. I ignored her and then in my rear view mirror I could see her shaking her head. WTH did she expect? I was soooo angry and thankfully my husband found it crazy when I told him. Apparently some cows have about as much common sense as an actual cow.
Poppy My h found everything connected to his cow as crazy...after only two months but yes he enjoyed his different sex and he enjoyed pursuing two at one time...yet he paid a far greater price for that fantasy...she has to still be grieving her loss both my h and her son... I often wondered how she could look at her own reflection..I would be mortified if I had stooped to her level of trash...just my opinion from my experience...
Poppy, I always have to look up the acronyms on here. Been on here 2 years now, so familiar today, but the first time I saw COW I thought Browneyedgirl was actually referring that the other woman was a cow. Fair enough :) LOL so every time I read it I laugh. Mad Cow Disease seems fitting too!
Doesn't COW = other woman? Like they are a moo moo cow? Or does it mean something else..? I have entertained switching my reference to her from whore to cow cus it always made me laugh when I saw Theresa write it.. only the whore isn't a cow in the weight sense and I felt like I was just fooling myself referencing her like that just being bitter. Call a spade a spade and whore is better... now I'm questioning the cow reference again... what does it mean??? Blindsided
Blindsided I’m sorry but that reference is to crazy other women but all that means is she is was and always crazy than you ever thought you could be but that isn’t really what she is either she is just someone who we can pray for that she finds her way to peace! Hugs!
Amen to that!!!
ReplyDeletevulnerability and honesty make good things happen, even when the story you are sharing is kinda crappy
ReplyDelete:) this is why sharing your struggles here works. We bond through similar struggles and have the compassion to offer assistance to those that are new to the journey.
ReplyDeleteI hesitated to post this but I thought some woman can look at this as a religious thing or if your not religious look at as historical writings. Regardless it made me feel good.
ReplyDeleteProverbs: Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day’s work for her servant girls. She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy. She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothes. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the LORD will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done. Let her deeds publicly declare her praise. That is US.
OW from Proverbs - For a prostitute is a deep pit and a wayward wife is a narrow well. Like a bandit she lies in wait, and multiplies the unfaithful among us. The words of another man's wife may seem sweet as honey; they may be as smooth as olive oil. But in the end she will bring you sorrow, causing you pain like a two-edged sword.She is on the way to death; her steps are headed straight to the grave.She gives little thought to life. She doesn't even know that her ways are wrong. Now, my sons, listen to me, and don't ignore what I say. Stay away from such a woman. Don't even go near the door of her house or you will give your riches to others, and the best years of your life will be given to someone cruel. This is the way of an adulterous woman: she eats and wipes her mouth and says, I have done no wickedness.
I hope I didn't offend anyone and I'm not preaching or suggesting anything. This just simply made me feel good today, nothing more.
I am not religious at all but so interesting. It says it all. Thanks for sharing.
DeleteLLP
DeleteYou didn’t offend me and this made me feel good as well. Thanks for sharing!
Nice quotes, LLP.
DeleteIsn't it interesting that there isn't a section warning wives about cheating or adulterous husbands though! I suppose we don't need the obvious pointed out to us the way that some men seem to...
Over the years I have read these Proverbs often. I also know that "when she eats and wipes her mouth" it means she has enjoyable sex with someone else's H. (I tend to take things literally!)
DeleteBahahah thanks for the laugh. You are so right. They are clueless. Beyond clueless. But they have to be to get up and live in their own skin. I couldn't look myself in the mirror. Hopefully one day they will get it however... because then they have to live in their own minds and understand the kind of person they are... which would be the best poisin for them. That and maybe a really disgusting case of uncurable genital warts.
DeleteBlindsided.
And after what we experienced it makes sense why God allows for divorce in cases of adultery. Until I experienced infidelity the magnitude of why He gives divorce grace under these circumstances could never be understood.
DeleteI have never read that verse before. Spot on, LLP!
DeleteI’ve started to post a few times since Tuesday evening and have stopped. I know that aside from my husband and my therapist that this is a place where I am safe. I can share with you all what’s going on with no fear of judgement.
ReplyDeleteI found out Tuesday that the OW is divorcing her husband... the husband I never told about the affair. She has, fortunately, stayed away since d-day. April will be three years. She tried to stay visible through mutual friend on social media for about half of that but has never contacted my husband.
So, here I am... anxious.., creating all kinds of horrible scenarios in my head. What if she tries to contact my husband? What if, now that she’s divorcing, she decides to open up about the affair? What if she’s finally told her husband and he does something crazy?
I told my husband and we talked. He feels like we’re stronger now as a couple then we’ve ever been. If a situation arises, we’re a united front and we’ll handle it together.
But for me, it’s bringing back all the feelings from the early days of having to be guarded, waiting for something bad to happen. I know I can’t control anything and even that my expectation that something bad is going to happen may be a bit unreasonable. Maybe it’s just dredging up old emotions and feelings. I go back to the therapist next week so I’ll definitely discuss it with her.
In the meantime, I just needed to talk through this, needed someone else to hear me. Thanks for listening.
Dandelion,
DeleteI've wondered about this scenario playing out with me too. I would be worried about all the exact same things you are. And I guess none of that worrying would make any of it any more or less likely to happen. I think what you need right now are ways to deal with the worry and not any of the actual events (because none have happened yet and may not). Exercise, meditate, get a massage, and know you are not alone. I will worry about these things for you too so you don't carry as much of the worrying weight. When it's my turn and the OW in my life divorces I will tell you and you can help me worry then. Deal? Wishing you needless worry and the tools to handle it.
I'm sorry that you are feeling so anxious. You are reacting perfectly normal under the circumstances. Your husband sounds like he "gets it". Please tell him what he can do to help you feel more secure - extra hugs, more sweet kisses, some extra loving words. Remember, you are stronger now and between the 2 of you, you can handle the old emotions and feelings. Be sure to share them with your H. Good move talking it out with your therapist, too.
DeleteBless you and may your OW have a horrible divorce so she doesn't have time to bother you! (I'm feeling mean today but she deserves it!)
Dandelion - I can only imagine that this revelation sends you right back into the stress and trauma immediately after D-Day. I love that you were able to talk to you H and that you are going back to your therapist. Kudos to your H for handling it, by the sounds of it, in an adult and loving way!
DeleteDandelion, it's the stuff of nightmares, isn't it? I would be sitting around fearing for the other shoe to drop too. It would definitely be bringing up feelings for me.
DeleteI'm just waiting / mentally preparing myself for my ex to announce that he's back with the skank or that she's moving locally.
I'm so glad your H was able to hear you and be there for you and said what made you feel supported. That's good stuff.
I see my therapist every other week now and I wish I could still afford her weekly. Thank goodness to have the BWC when we need them!
I totally understand those feelings. I would feel the same way if I got that news. My husband had two ow. One has only contacted him once since dday and that was due to a mutual friend. The other ow and one of her friends has tried to contact him many times. One thing we did early on is exactly what you did by setting up a plan and discussing how it should be handled. I trust my husband that he has told me each time. And together we decide what to do. He is as bothered or more bothered than me so that helps a little. He has told me he thought about just deleting the texts/voice mails and not telling me since he understands the pain and trigger but he said he reminds himself he wants to be transparent. My dday is in March, three years too. I have been having major anxiety and other feelings. I have a feeling it is the time of year. So many things remind me of that year and the years before. It is strange how I can be taken back to an exact feeling so easily.
DeleteTo me it sounds like you have both agreed and have a good plan in place. That is the most important thing that you are a team. None of this is easy but so glad you are to the point where things are strong as a couple. Keep us updated!
Hi Dandelion,
DeleteI totally get your anxiety and I'm sorry this is stressing you out.
I am also glad to hear your H is being so caring, "united front," etc. Sounds like he has really become a man you can rely on.
And... I hope I explain this the right way...Your timeline is similar to mine and I had read what you had written way back about not telling the OW's husband, and it helped me a lot to figure out what I wanted to do and how I felt about it. I too ultimately did not tell the husband of one of the OWs. I still struggle a bit feeling like she got off scot-free, life of sunshine and roses and adoring men falling at her feet. So I feel better knowing that may not be the case, that maybe her life/marriage went to shit too. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not cheering for divorce -- I understand there is heartbreak on all sides -- but I am glad to know that even tho I didn't tell her H, this OW may ultimately face some consequences of her behavior too.
Thank you all for being there! I honestly got choked up reading your responses. I needed support and you all were there. But I’m not surprised. ❤️
DeleteAnn,
Deal! We lift each other up here and I would gladly take that weight to give you a break, too.
Carol the First,
Yes, my husband gets it. But I do need that reminder to say exactly what I need. And there is a part of me that hopes her divorce brings at least a portion of the pain I’ve felt.
Kimberly,
My H has grown up a lot. The way he is handling this reinforces that.
SS1,
As this was happening and I was feeling the anxiety, I remembered some of the things you’ve posted about. I had to remind myself that my reaction was based upon past stuff. I’m trying to refocus on now.
Hopeful,
We do have a plan. I hope we don’t have to use it. There’s a lot of reassurance in knowing we would now handle it together where in the past, he might have done what he thought was right for both of us.
Sal,
He has definitely mad a lot of changes. And I understand what you are saying in regard to having the slightest feeling that things may be catching up with her.
Theresa,
I’m glad to hear that you would be facing it with your husbsbd beside you. But I too hope you’re never put in that position.
Poppy,
I’m sorry you ever have to see her. And that she had the audacity to wave? Next time you see her running you should slow down and spray your windshield as you drive past. The look on her face as she got sprayed with windshield wiper fluid would be priceless. LOL
Dandelion
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your anxiety knowing she’s about to be single. My h told me basically that same thing...that we’re stronger as a couple and even if we run into the cow in public we’re going to handle it together and walk away from her... I just hope that never happens...
I get to see my h’s cow on a regular basis as we live in the same neighborhood and she runs on the road I use to leave. This was a woman I thought was my friend and who contacted me after d day to apologize and say it was all her fault, not my h’s. Well the last time I saw her running, she waved to me. I ignored her and then in my rear view mirror I could see her shaking her head. WTH did she expect? I was soooo angry and thankfully my husband found it crazy when I told him. Apparently some cows have about as much common sense as an actual cow.
ReplyDeletePoppy
DeleteMy h found everything connected to his cow as crazy...after only two months but yes he enjoyed his different sex and he enjoyed pursuing two at one time...yet he paid a far greater price for that fantasy...she has to still be grieving her loss both my h and her son... I often wondered how she could look at her own reflection..I would be mortified if I had stooped to her level of trash...just my opinion from my experience...
Poppy, I always have to look up the acronyms on here. Been on here 2 years now, so familiar today, but the first time I saw COW I thought Browneyedgirl was actually referring that the other woman was a cow. Fair enough :) LOL so every time I read it I laugh. Mad Cow Disease seems fitting too!
DeleteDoesn't COW = other woman? Like they are a moo moo cow? Or does it mean something else..? I have entertained switching my reference to her from whore to cow cus it always made me laugh when I saw Theresa write it.. only the whore isn't a cow in the weight sense and I felt like I was just fooling myself referencing her like that just being bitter. Call a spade a spade and whore is better... now I'm questioning the cow reference again... what does it mean???
DeleteBlindsided
cheating (married) other woman
DeleteBlindsided
ReplyDeleteI’m sorry but that reference is to crazy other women but all that means is she is was and always crazy than you ever thought you could be but that isn’t really what she is either she is just someone who we can pray for that she finds her way to peace! Hugs!