My imagination goes wild. What if, when he's driving with some friends, one of them is joking and distracting him and he takes his eyes off the road and his car rolls and explodes in a fiery tragedy? What if he's driving and another driver is drunk and veers into his lane and he's pushed into a telephone pole? What if... What if... What if...
I'm not the only parent, of course, to face their own fear around their child's increasing independence. Long after the plastic outlet protectors and cut-up grapes and car seats are history, we discover that our control only extends so far. And it's not nearly far enough.
It's a sobering realization, isn't it? And it's at the root of so much of our misery. It has taken me years of parenting three incredibly strong-minded children to really get through my head that I cannot make other people into who I want them to be. And, when I really stop to think about it, I don't want to. I just want to spare myself (and them) the consequences of bad choices. Or, on a larger scale, I want to spare them any pain.
It's fear behind my desire to control.
And that's what we need to wrestle with after infidelity.
Fear.
It's often behind our anger.
It's always behind our desire to control.
It wears a lot of masks.
But it grows weaker when you look at it head on. It shrinks when you respond to it with compassion. Imagine the unclenching if you were to say to yourself, gently: I know you're afraid right now. I know this feels frightening. But you're okay. I've got your back. I'm a grown woman who can keep you safe. I can keep you warm. I can keep you fed. You are scared. That is all.
It won't be easy. Those thoughts will creep in on quiet pussy-cat feet: What if he's still talking to her? What if he's not at work right now? What if there's another one? What if he leaves? And so on.
If you can accept the fear behind those questions, you rob them of their power to paralyze you and you respond matter-of-factly. What if he's still talking to her? What does that mean for you and how you'll respond? Come up with a plan. What if he's lying to you about where he is, even if he's not cheating? Well...what does that mean for you and how you'll respond. Come up with a plan. And so on.
Separating the fear behind your concerns from the concerns themselves can help you respond to them as a grown-up and not as a frightened child who's feeling rejected and abandoned. Those are legitimate feelings, of course. And they affect some of us worse than others (particularly those of us who had childhoods of rejection and abandonment). But you're a grown woman now. A strong, beautiful woman with agency and power. Don't ever forget that. You can be scared and still that is true. Strong beautiful women with agency and power can still experience fear. Courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway.
Take care of yourself. Recognize your power.
And strip fear of its ability to make you think you're powerless. You hold all the power you need to heal.
Note re. retreat: Lots of response, which is wonderful. So give me some time to sift through and get a sense of what works for the majority of people. And, if anyone with more experience than I wants to help me with this, please let me know. Send me an e-mail address (which I won't publish). This is shaping up to be bigger than I imagined.
Husband cheated the first time at 4 years in. He denied for 20 years. When he finally came clean, he seemed surprised when I told him I've had an exit plan for all these years. If I had caught on to the next round at the time, I would've executed that plan. He has seemingly made changes over these last 16 years but I've never had full trust in him. So...I'll keep my plan. I love him but I will never put my well being aside for him again.
ReplyDeleteMichelle,
DeleteNobody should ever sacrifice their own well-being for a partner. That's not love, it's self-sacrifice. And though we as a culture tend to laud women for being self-sacrificing, it's toxic. We never should really have "full trust' over anyone because we can't ever predict how anyone will behave. We can trust ourselves, which is all we ever need.
As always - beautiful words at the most beautiful time when I needed them. I have been thinking a lot about fear and how much it controls my life. Fear of what I don't know from the past. Fear of what may or may not be happening now. Fear of what might come tomorrow. And it's weighing me down. But I've also been thinking more about how I don't have to let it. I can choose to fight it. I can choose to come up with a plan that will give me some peace. I can choose not to let fear define me. And I can choose not to take responsibility for my H's actions and decisions any more. I have held on to so much of that when I knew it wasn't true. Thinking if I had done something different in the past it would have changed his decision. NO. Thinking if I don't get it all correct right now it will effect his decision. NO. Thinking that I have any control over any decision he makes...letting it go. I'm not there yet - but I'm closer. And this post helps. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteJules,
DeleteIt's an amazing moment when we realize that we don't have to let fear control us. When we realize that we're only ever responsible for ourselves and how we act in the world. If we can stay connected to who we are and live with an integrity, no matter what happens around us, we will still be okay. We aren't responsible for them.
Next right step. It's so liberating when we don't have to know our own future.
Fear seems to have taken up residency in my life.
ReplyDeleteI know what I fear.
My kids health and well being is part of this.
The rest, the majority, has to do with him. My STBX....and it pisses me off that some of his actions, I have let take over me, other things he's done that he's stuffed up, we're (the kids and I) left to selvedge, the carnage of his existence.
I know a lot of it is in my mind, but when you have been dealt blow after blow sometimes, this fear becomes so strong, it's hard to kick it out. I fear I wont be able to still my mind to deal with all this shit. Not even sleep is a welcoming distraction at the moment, as the nightmares are constant and the lack of sleep and waking up at all hours is debilitating.
My fears from D Day 1 just seem to keep escalating. The fear husband was still in contact with his whore - founded.
The fear husband was still lying and now probably lying through our dating days - founded.
The fear husband has with having inappropriate female friendships - founded.
The fear my husband has left again this time for good for a new whore - founded.
The fear my husband has hidden and put us in such financial debt - founded which = my fear for my children and my future for housing, bills, medical insurance, security....
The fear I now have to take the step to upgrade my career to look for a higher paying job = What if I stuff up, what if I can't do what I've been asked to do, if I am just so useless and they get rid of me? What if I can't find a better paying job and I let my kids down?
The fear that I trusted and loved my husband so much to just have him turn around and disregard all that for his own selfish desires and lack of responsibility.
I had a taste of empty nesting when the kids were with him and it sucked. So there's another fear, of being all alone in my elder years.
I fear of never being able to trust again.
At this point in time, I have no intention of another relationship as I fear not making a good choice in a partner. I fear that when he's going home if in fact he is going home or going via another women's house etc. Do I always have to play detective. I fear he may be lying to me, hiding things from me.
I fear lacking the courage to start my own business. I fear lacking the courage to keep going sometimes. I just want to run away sometimes, but I never will as my commitment and responsibility to my children and my love for them over rides this escape. They need me, the one parent who would give my life to look after them and never leave them and be there for them.
I fear that there are too many women suffering from betrayal, that there are too many "me too" as I seem to be meeting up with women weekly that are telling me their story of being betrayed. I fear this cheating is endemic amongst the men of the world and they don't seem to want to find a cure - they are happy to be abhorrent humans. I fear for society.
I fear that I'll miss the chance to meet you all.
Hugs without fear.
Gabby xoxoxoxo
Gabby I agree with you. All the fear you described is like fear = failure. Although for the most part I have out-grown these thoughts likw I failed in marriage. Fear I will fail again. I know I didn't fail my marriage, HE did but it still haunts me sometime. I can't stand to have another failure for awhile. So I will just stay suspended in the air until the rope breaks or I just get tired of hanging on. Some of these fears you mentioned I had prior to the affair. Like fear my kids won't want to be around when I'm no longer fun. I'm just beginning to sort through, what I was taught through my culture and what is the truth. It gets intermingled. Example: My mother must of told me a thousands time - Be a good girl, nice girl and people will like you. I'm learning it is easy to default all the bad stuff back to HIS affair. Which just isn't true. Just think about the fear and it comes from the judgment of other people. Someone condemns us for stumbling but they didn't see the blows we took yesterday. Someone judges us for the limp we have in our heart. They can't see the broken heart that make us limp. They make fun of our fears but have no idea how many darts we dodged. Are we too loud? Fear of being neglected. Are we too timid. Fear of failing. Are we too slow? We fell the last time. Only the ladies on this site can who have followed in our steps can judge us, guide us. We did good work prior to the affair and we will continue until we are finished. Fear holds me back. The ground underneath you is still shaking but I have to say with every post you sound stronger, more sure and less afraid. If you won't give yourself some credit, I will because it is real.
DeleteGabby,
DeleteAll those fears that were founded? They tell you something important. That your instincts are bang on. And that you ignored them. Which means, you need to learn to trust yourself. That you know what's right for you but that you need to pay attention to that. To pay attention to YOU.
And all those fears about him? They're not your problem any more. You are responsible for you and your children. And you can handle that.
You are going to be just fine.
Next right step, Gabby. That's it. You've got this.
All those other steps? You'll get there.
Next right step. That's all you need to do. Trust in yourself.
Its been 14 months and I feel stuck but not because of me but because of him. I realized that all this time I have caved to his needs rather than mine. I have allowed him to chose what I need. I am no longer mad at what happened. I am not even mad at the other woman as I realized she was more broken than my husband was. I am now mad at what he is not doing and I realized that I not sure how much longer I can go. There is a difference between admitting wrong doing and accepting responsibility. Any one can admit wrong doing, but accepting responsibility means taking the steps necessary to help restore what's lost. We went to 5 counseling sessions and then he didn't think we needed anymore. I was in such a fog that I said ok. I asked him to make time for us to talk and he gets upset because we talk enough. I asked him to let me know if he has lunch with any female co-worker as I know his job sometimes requires, and he doesn't understand why I don't trust him, that I will never trust him again and why am I with him if that's the case. I feel lost and sad. I don't want my children to suffer and I know I didn't stay because of them but because I love him. But how much more can I wait. 14 months and he still doesn't really know why he cheated with someone he could careless about for over a year? How can you not know? 14 months and he has yet to tell me what he is feeling, thinking, or having a hard time with. Yes, we talk but about the rational everyday stuff. How can you trust someone who doesn't trust you with their inner fears and challenges? I know its not my job to fix him...he has to fix himself. How can you talk to someone who refuses to talk?
ReplyDeleteNoe,
DeleteI am about 16 mos out. Your h sounds similar to mine where lack of responsibility and action are concerned. To say it's frustrating is an understatement. He's buying time. He's hoping he can just stroll along without making any waves... no deep discussions = no stress, no hard work, no reality check. At least that's how I see my h now.
I think each woman knows when she's had enough. For me, it was just a week or so ago. I had enough of his "I don't know," his "I love you,but I don't think I'm IN love with you," his "Why can't you just let things happen instead of talking about everything?"... I am exhausted, confused, and devastated. I love my h. I still want to be married to him. I know I have tried everything to rebuild our marriage, but I can't do it alone. My h must work hard, too, especially when things get really difficult.
Like your h, mine won't allow himself to be vulnerable. He won't talk with me about our struggles, my triggers, and his role in the destruction of my trust. I have asked, begged, and finally told him to see a doctor and a therapist. He hasn't. I can't make him.
I never thought I would suggest a trial separation, but I did just that the other day. For me, this is my last attempt at saving my marriage. It seems weird - he leaves so we have a better opportunity to rebuild our marriage? I hope that's what will happen, and I told him that. I laid down rules. We talked about what it would mean, what we would tell our kids (17 & 15)... I think this is the first time he thought, "Well, shit; she may not need me after all, and she might actually end our marriage."
I don't know how you can have a conversation with your husband anymore than I know how to get my h to communicate with me. They, our husbands, have to want to. They must make the decision. I wish I knew how to answer your questions. I do know you're not alone in your bewilderment (and pain, and sadness, and...). Your h sounds self-absorbed and complacent.
It seems he does not want to snap into reality and face the devastation he's caused.
Like many of our sisters here have said, you'll decide what you can and can't live with. You will draw your boundaries. Hopefully, you will share here often. There's so much support here. No matter what you decide, even if you decide nothing right now, know that you are strong and you deserve truth, happiness,and love. You are so worthy of those things and more.
Thank you Jo,
DeleteFor now I've decided to go back alone to counseling. I'm going to concentrate on myself. I told his brother and wife about it as a last resort to have someone get thru to him that we need counseling. He took it as me trying to shame him. His guilt and shame level is so high that he refuses to see it. I told him if he feels I was trying to shame him is because he feels ashamed. He agreed to make time to talk interruption free every other week. I'm hoping counseling will help teach me how to handle the situation better with a spouse who is emotionally constipated. I told him if he wanted to go he was free to. I can't base my decisions on what he will or will not do. I tired of arguing. I've already let go of so much pain. I've made peace with it. I've forgiven him and her but he is not letting go. Ignoring the situation is not letting go. Pretending that we didn't have issues prior to it doesn't help us get better either. I just hope that he realizes that sooner rather than later.
Noe,
DeleteI think going back alone to counselling is a really smart idea. And i would also encourage you to put together your demands for reconciliation. He's asking you to give him a second chance after violating your marriage vows. So, here's what he needs to do to show you that he deserves that second chance: 1. Total transparency of any and all contacts with women. 2. A commitment of six months (or one year or whatever you want) to weekly (or bi-weekly/whatever) counselling. 3. A commitment to talk with you about what happened and support you in any way necessary to help you heal. 4. You get the idea.... You are entitled to ask for what you need in order to feel emotionally safe (or safe enough) giving him a second chance. He is NOT entitled to that second chance. He needs to show you that he deserves it and that you are not a fool for giving it to him. If he refuses to commit to your demands (or he agrees, then doesn't follow through), then you decide what the consequences are. Does he sleep on the couch? Do you hand him a separation agreement? Or whatever.
You are absolutely right that pretending this didn't happen is NOT helping. These guys are masters at putting their needs first and their need is to avoid shame/guilt by not talking about it. The only way out of this pain is through it -- together, ideally. You can't go over, under or around.
Gabby your post really touched me, hearing your thoughts and fears makes me so sad. If only I could make this easier for you I would honey.
ReplyDeleteI fear most of what you fear Gabby, and it scares the shit out of me, with every fear comes strength. When you get that higher paid job, you can stick two fingers up at him and his whore. You can do and will do everything your fearful of Gabby and you’ll get through the other side. I can’t wait for the day you look back on this post with a smile on your face as you will be able to see just how far you have come. You should be so proud of yourself right now.. I’m gonna save up the hugs to give you when we meet up in person. I really can’t wsit for that day, this retreat has given me a focus for this year, I’m terrified about travelling to the other ends of the earth on my own, but excited about meeting you ladies at the other side. ..your in my thoughts Gabby xxx
I’m battling my fears daily, I seem to have conjured up a whole bunch of fears in my adult years. I think becoming a Mum has definetly given me all the fears you have Elle, I mean we are responsible for these little (or big) humans until our dying days, it’s a huuuuggggeeeee responsibility one I don’t take lightly.
ReplyDeleteSo my current fears are starting uni in September and not having enough money to fund my masters. Travelling the end of the earth to meet you ladies as I’ve never been that far away from kids before, I know this will be my biggest challenge yet though. And lastly I fear my marriage may end in divorce one day and I just haven’t got the head space right now to sort out Everything that comes with it so I stall that one for a little longer till I figure out a plan.
How do I overcome all the above? I bring myself back to reality, the reality that is this moment because really that’s all I have control of right now. I also tell myself that I’ve coped with so many tragedy’s recently that I’m pretty sure I have built up the coping skills for any more traumatic events that come my way...
I’m babbling and I’m tired ladies so I’ll ssy good night and god bless xx
Sam A,
DeleteI'm so excited for you starting a Masters. Brava girl! You'll figure it out. Next right step. Not next TEN right steps.
And I hope we'll see you. I'm working (along with a friend of a friend) to put together a retreat that will nourish all of our souls.
YEs that fear thing. the only thing I know for sure is that I have a plan.
ReplyDeleteYears and years ago I could not figure out how to dump a stubborn narcissist boyfriend. A male friend called me and simply left a voice mail--"you have to make a plan" those words catapulted me into action. I put together a plan and it worked.
Of course I never planned for a D-Day 1. who does? We all "know" we'd kick them to the curb. There went THAT plan.
but-- Since D-day 1 I have had a plan. and I put it into action on D-Day 2. It was SO much easier to have a plan and boundaries, than to try to come up with something, anything in that 2nd moment of HELL.
So I still have a plan in case he goes off the rails again. I hope I never have to use it, but having a plan, a safety net, helps to counteract my own fears.
Steam, I've always had a contingency plan although never did I really think I'd need one for my marriage. My plan was in place from the beginning with money. I stashed small amounts of cash weekly and that cash came in handy over the years when things came up and I had no fear. Now that I know what my husband is capable of, I'll always have a plan. He knows that I have a plan. Sometimes, I have days when fear wins and it takes time to get me back to center but having a plan keeps me sane. Looking forward to meeting you Steam. You've been such a help to me over the years.
DeleteFear is with us always. If and when we outgrow our current fears, we find new fears.. it is part of being the emotionally/physically vulnerable creatures that we are.
ReplyDeleteI think one fear that all of us here share is the fear of being blindsided again by betrayal. We fear experiencing that overwhelming shock, pain, and violation again. Most of us have clawed our way back from the abyss, at least partially. And we are terrified of falling back in. We don’t ever want to go through that again. We say and do whatever we can to protect ourselves.
Elle is right, of course. Facing the fear is the best way to minimize it. We can’t eliminate the fear. To some extent, we don’t want to. It exists to make us cautious, to keep us safer. But courage means that you accept the fear, you minimize the risk, and you keep going anyway. You acknowledge the fear, but you don’t let it rule you.
I guess that looks different for everyone. For me, right now, it means accepting scary, unfair things that I can’t change. I’m working on letting go of old pain, old resentment, old anger. Good Lord, it is definitely a process. Step by difficult step.
Thank you for the reminder. I want to stop my brain from running in the same obsessive circles. I want to face these fears and cut them down to size.
Step by difficult step, indeed. I'm shepherding my eldest through this process right now. She's SO afraid of making a wrong move. And all I can do is remind her, from my spot so much farther down the road, that those "missteps" can sometimes take us in an entirely different, and so beautiful, direction.
DeleteFear for me = worrying. Worrying = comfort. If I can anticipate ALL scenarios that COULD happen then I'm prepared for it rather than being completely blindsided. I *know* there is NO way to possibly think about every single scenario that could arise ... but it's what's kept me sane for so long that I don't know how to just be.
ReplyDeleteI keep thinking if I could just not care so much about the possibilities ... then I could let go of the fear that I conjure up.
Kimberly,
DeleteI think that constant prep for potential scenarios is understandable but it must be exhausting. What if you worked toward being comfortable with uncertainty. It will feel HORRIBLE at first. It will feel so uncomfortable and anxiety-provoking. But it's also the truest way to live. None of us does know what's coming. And we can't possibly ever prepare for every potential outcome. What about focusing on the moment -- and how, right now, you're safe -- and trying to let go of "what ifs". I know we all approach life differently. And if this works for you, then have at it. I just wonder if your approach gets in the way of actually appreciating what you do have out of fear that it's going to be taken from you.
Elle - I thought about this all weekend. Being so blinded by fear that I'm not appreciating what I do have ... I sat down and did some reality checking and realized I'm missing a lot of signs that we are on a good path.
DeleteYes my H still seems anxious ... but I know that I am not putting off the best vibes either. And for the first time in our marriage he's coming into my corner instead of waiting for me to come out to meet me half way. That's HUGE!
And yesterday I had a long conversation with myself regarding my horrible habit of believing that everyone will leave (damn childhood baggage). It's easier to believe that and be prepared for it than it is to be blindsided by the fact that they actually might.
I won't say I won't spiral again ... or that the negativity will never take over again ... but coming off of this past weekend I actually feel more hopeful than fear.
So Elle - my friend - thank you for taking the time to comment. I wish I could hug you in person ... but for now just accept my virtual hug!
I found out my husband had an affair 3 months ago. He tried to blame it on me. We weren’t in the best place before but we were trying to work through it. He said in his mind he considered us separated and divorced so he doesn’t consider it an affair and insists he didn’t do anything wrong. We don’t have children but the week before we spend at my parents celebrating my sister winning homecoming queen and we live in the same house...sleep in the same bed. How can we be divorced? He said a piece of paper meant nothing to him. Well it would have been nice to know since he was the only one with the freedom to date other people! I really feel like I’m being mindf@$ked. I’m supposed to believe that crap? And he wants me to apologize to him for hurting him. He has a profession that required him to manually work on people and he insists that I shouldn’t be angry for him wanting to be in women’s homes doing massages for 2-3 hours with no one around. Y’all I’m really just lost right now and need some assurance that this isn’t real life. Like who expects someone to trust you after you destroyed their trust and aren’t doing anything to regain it? But in fact, is insisting that I prove my trustworthiness to him??? I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. We have been married 5 years last October. He cheated the week of our anniversary and I found out two weeks later. My fear is that I am a bad person for potentially wanting out of this mind warping situation. All of my fears are based in insecurities that surfaced for the first time after the affair and he is making it like I just have to work in my insecurities which is why I am overreacting to this situation. I don’t know what to do. We are seeing a couples therapist and I am seeing one individually. I’m reading everything I can get my hands on but I feel like I’m doing all this work alone. But when I tell him that I don’t know if I can get over this, he gets frustrated because it looks to him like I’m not trying or that I’m a quitter. Anyone ever heard of gaslighting? That’s really what I feel like. I would love some encouragement.
ReplyDeleteCSP,
DeleteYou feel like you're being mindf@$ked because you ARE being mindf@$ked. You are NOT a bad person for wanting out of such a toxic relationship. HE cheated but YOU need to prove your trustworthy?
Nope.
And yes, we've pretty much all heard of gaslighting. And yes, that's exactly what he's doing to you.
Infidelity is crazy-making enough without someone deliberately trying to convince you that black is white and up is down.
Stick to your individual counselling -- what is he/she saying about your situation? As for couples counselling, is he/she able to see what's really going on or is your husband able to gaslight them too?
I would put it to him like this: You betrayed my trust. You went behind my back and cheated. If you didn't think you were doing something wrong, you wouldn't have been secretive about it. So, you're now asking me to "work" on our marriage while you do nothing more than show up. The answer is no. I will consider "working" on our marriage once you show me that you're doing everything you possibly can to show me that you deserve a second chance. Until then, I'm going to "work" on myself and healing from the betrayal of my partner.
And then...stick to it. He is giving you zero reasons to believe that he's learned a damn thing from this. Instead, he's making you into the problem.
I'm so sorry, CSP, for what you're going through. Infidelity is excruciating enough without the person who caused such pain twisting the knife and making you think you're insane.
Please, make yourself the priority, not your marriage.
Thank you Elle for your encouragement. I have been feeling so isolated and lonely because there isn't anyone I can talk to. I am 32 and have a close circle of friends who love me but I know that if I tell them before I have made a decision, it will be difficult for them to get over if I decide to work things out. Same for my parents. With that being said, I am so glad I have found this site because I don't feel so alone anymore. I have seen my IC once so far and see her again tomorrow. The first session was a lot of venting on my part because it was the first time I felt like I was getting to talk to someone about how I feel without being minimized or mansplained or retaliated against. My H isn't very emotionally mature/intelligent. So he says he'll listen but flies off the handle when he hears something he doesn't like. So much for safety. My IC told me to think about what I need to feel emotionally safe during this time. She is in the same practice with our MC and they consult together. The MC recommended her. The challenge is that I feel like I need physical space but why should I have to leave our beautiful home because he screwed up?? Maybe this is for the best. Is living separately while working on the marriage a thing? My husband seems to think that if we are separated, we aren't married in his mind and he is therefore free to get his needs met. I don't understand his rationale at all. He got mad at me because I told him I was scheduling an appt with my doc to get tested because he can't believe that I don't believe him that he didn't sleep with her. So you were just naked in a hotel room talking for 5 hours?? Yeah okay. I don't know if I should talk to a lawyer or not. I feel like if I do ask for a divorce that he would try to ruin me out of sheer spite and vengence. But he was the one who had the affair! But because I 'took him back' by trying to work on the marriage, I don't even have grounds anymore. I feel so stuck. I'm going to take some time over the weekend to sift through this site for some perspective. I am so lost and overwhelmed that I don't even know what my options are. I feel like so much is on my shoulders right now. The weight of righting the marriage ship, figuring out if I can finance a divorce if it is even possible in the first place or if I can afford to even live on my own to give myself enough space to heal...
DeleteI'm reading Transcending Post Infidelity Stress Disorder thanks to many of the sisters' suggestions and I am excited to get a perspective on the stages because this ish is for the birds...
CSP, Good for you that you are seeing a therapist for you in addition to MC. I think that is critical if you do not have others to share it with. i chose not to share it with anyone. In the end I thought about it a lot but felt that really they were not equipped to provide me the support I needed. And they really believe what society does about betrayal. I know they would have been "nice" but I needed more than nice. My therapist was awesome. They were a spot for me to vent, talk things through, get support and advice, work through what I wanted to do boundary wise.
DeleteI think whether you want to live together is up to you while working it out. In general I think we get to set the rules/boundaries/guidelines of what we need and they can change too. My therapist said my husband had 10 years of freedom and being given the chance to do what he wanted and he threw that all away. So now it is what I need and want. For me I felt we needed to be together and spend as much time as possible together. Also as far as testing I think if you feel it is important that you should do it. It is not easy. We drove far away and went together to get tested. My husband used protection all but one time but get this he convinced himself it was safe since the ow was a nurse. He seriously convinced himself that she was tested due to her career. I had to ask him repeatedly so you think they test her for STD's? They will tell themselves anything. And my husband opened up that he went and paid some huge amount of money a year after that to get secretly tested with a code number. So deep down that did worry him. I can only imagine how horrible he acted for that year and then also while waiting for those test results. Sorry for the long explanation but I did not trust anything my husband said on dday. I am not saying your husband lied but some guys do not think oral sex is sex and that can transfer things or even with condoms on STD's can be transferred. For me I told him if he wanted to be with me he had to be tested and he had to come with me. I think it was a pivotal point and a "right of passage" for us.
Take your time and do not rush yourself. It is a major process healing to heal individually and as a couple. I am almost at the 3 year point since dday and it is hard. I wanted it to be over asap but it has taken time. In the end what has surprised me the most is I am in a great spot but my husband still carries a heavy burden for his actions. He has made an amazing transformation but it will stick with him forever. Hang in there, don't rush yourself but get all of your information. You are moving in the right direction.
Thanks Hopeful30. It is good to see women past their DDay with hope. Some days are bleak but I'm glad to have you all to help me work through it.
DeleteFear for me is losing who I always thought I was...
ReplyDeleteAnonymous 1/24 - I can relate to that feeling too. It's one thing to lose who we thought THEY were ... it's another to lose who we thought we were. Here's to rediscovering for both of us!
DeleteYeah, that's a tough one. I can remember telling (screaming, actually) my husband that he had "ruined" me. I was convinced I would never be "me" again. Well, me was still there. Buried in sadness at the time, but still there. And she's back and better than ever. ;)
DeleteMy current fear is working with hospice through my mother’s final stages is the right choice for her... given that all her Drs agreed there is nothing left medically to do that wouldn’t cause greater harm. Hospice offered her comfort first and we deal with it one day at a time... My fear of betrayal are shrinking and my h is looking at other job opportunities... again one day at a time...
ReplyDeleteTheresa - the worst thing I've ever had to do was end of life decisions. I always advocate for EVERYONE to have those conversations during the lucid days and to put everything into writing so there is no doubt about what our personal wishes are.
DeleteI cannot even begin to imagine being back in that hell and dealing with this crap. You are an AMAZING woman ... don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise!
Hugs, Theresa! My mom was under hospice care for the last several weeks of her life. We were so grateful for what they did. However, the weight of making those types of choices is heavy. My dad and I shared them but it was still difficult. We knew we were making the right decisions as she she had no other options, but... letting go and not fighting the cancer was the direct opposite of what we had been doing for three years.
DeleteI’ll keep you in my thoughts as you go through this.
Theresa
DeleteThinking of you.
Hugs
Gabby xo
Theresa,
DeleteI'd encourage you to reframe "fear" as "concern". You are such a loyal daughter who's working so hard to tend to your mother. So of course, you're concerned that you're carrying out her wishes, and concerned that she's comfortable. I don't know if there's reason to fear. I'm wondering if the "fear" is anxiety and sadness and all the other feelings that go along with watching someone we leave prepare to leave this world. Dandelion is right. The weight of making such crucial decisions is heavy. But you're bearing them with grace and compassion.
Theresa, I've been in your shoes. That was in 1990. To this day, shepherding my mother through death has been the hardest thing I ever did, especially because my youngest son was born in January of that year and he and I flew back and forth across the USA several times at a moments notice to be there at the end. My mom was living at my sister's house. My sisters and I all agree that we did the best we could to make sure our mother was not in physical pain, ever. We talked a lot about all of our good memories and how happy we were that we were able to spend some quality time with her over the years. My youngest sister has regrets that our mom did not live long enough to share some vacation time with her but overall, in hindsight, knowing we had the ability to make sure our mother left her body without pain and living in a familiar environment still brings comfort. Much love and strength to you.
DeleteI’m so sorry for all your going through Theresa, please know I am thinking of you, your mum and the whole family xxx
ReplyDeleteThank y’all for the kind reminders! Mother did make her wishes known many years ago and she was very clear about her final days...the only thing I cannot do is take her to her house but she’s adjusting well in ours... she is beginning her third week here and she’s eating and sleeping well...
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