Thursday, October 25, 2018

Some thoughts on anger and vulnerability

Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. ~BrenĂ© Brown 

I run with a friend three times a week. She's dealing with betrayal. Even in her own heartbreak, she remains one of the most grounded, clear-headed people I know.
I told her about the heated exchange over on the Once a cheater... post. I was angry when I told her. Anger, as I'm so fond of reminding everyone on this site, is a mask for hurt and fear. So let me tell the truth: I was hurt when I told her. 
My friend listened to me. I told her about how betrayed I felt, about how quickly people turned on each other and me. I told her how angry I still am that women are not believed when they tell their stories of sexual assault and how vulnerable it feels to lay your heart bare. I told her how disappointing it is to have a woman, someone you thought was an ally, respond carelessly to another's pain and then, when you call her out on it, have her, metaphorically, take her ball and go home. 
My friend took it all in.
Then she reminded me that I put myself in this position. By creating this site and sharing my story – so much of my painful story, including recently, the story of my sexual assault – she pointed out that I walked "into the arena" to use BrenĂ© Brown parlance. I made myself vulnerable to criticism. I opened myself to judgement or mockery or contempt, all of which I've experienced at various times over the years of this site.
But this felt different, I told her.
So she asked me another question. Did what you wrote reflect what you believe? 
And my answer was immediate. Of course it did. I won't take responsibility for what others posted but what I posted? Absolutely. I stand by it.
Then you did what felt right for you, she said.
Yes. But it still feels yucky.
I have governed this site with an overriding principle. It is a place for women to bring their pain and to feel safe sharing it. 
If I had not responded sharply, if I had not pushed back on a thoughtless comment that put others' emotional safety at risk, then why would anyone else feel safe sharing her story?
But still. Other people's anger makes me feel small and scared. When someone is angry, my knee-jerk response has always been to assume fault for it. What did I do to cause this?
But I'm learning – albeit slowly – that I'm not responsible for other people's feelings or for their actions. Just as I've come to learn – albeit slowly – that I was never responsible for my husband's choice to cheat. 
As part of an environment of emotional safety, I don't owe anyone a platform for conspiracy theories. I don't owe anyone the opportunity to dismiss a woman's painful story, including a story that has been on the front pages of the newspaper or dissected ad nauseam on CNN. 
And let me be perfectly clear: Responding to disclosure of betrayal, or sexual assault, or anything else that's deep and private with a "not all women can be believed" response has been part of the toxic playbook for centuries to keep women small and quiet and in line. That this response came from a woman doesn't make it any less dangerous. Ann should know better. That she didn't isn't her fault but it is her responsibility. 
This is not a complicated issue. 
This is not a partisan issue.
I understand that many of the women who come here already feel victimized, to some extent, by another woman. A woman who has been complicit in her betrayal. A woman who has lied. Who has, perhaps, lobbed false accusations. I make no apologies or excuses for Other Women. 
But I have given them space when they have come here to tell their stories. Even when those stories were hurtful to us. 
I gave Ann the space to share her thoughts, even as I knew they were insensitive.
I will always err on the side of listening over closing my ears.
But I will always point out when someone is being hurtful or insensitive or when she needs to cede the floor, to be quiet and listen. Nobody gets carte blanche to give her opinion, especially when that opinion props up misogyny, without being held to account for it. 
Yes, I preach openness and honesty, as one commenter noted in what she perceives as my hypocrisy. And yes, I have long loved this BWC secret sisterhood because it is so unlike other sites out there, which descend into name-calling and mud-slinging and mockery of anyone who doesn't follow a prescribed path. 
But it was exactly my dedication to openness and honesty that made me click "publish" on Ann's comment, and it was my dedication to openness and honesty when I said that she was not only wrong about her "facts" but that her words were incendiary. She missed a chance to respond differently to others' anger, even if she needed to take a few days to lick her wounds before responding. She missed a chance to show up for others in the way that, she admits herself, they've shown up for her. 
When we are called out for behaviour that others find offensive and personally hurtful, we can respond in a number of ways. One of those ways is what I'm learning to do: To be vulnerable. To listen in good faith. To remember, that within this vulnerability, which can feel so horrible, is where all that good stuff I want is born: joy, empathy, authenticity. 
Courage.
As another friend put it, "Use your voice. You are gonna piss some people off. When you plant your flag in the sand, not everyone is going to stand with you. But you don’t want or need everyone to agree with you (or like you). You just need the people who are going to charge down the field with you."

I'll continue to show up here and hope that we continue to create a space where we charge down the field together. Where we can share our stories, trusting that others will believe us or, at the very least, listen with an open heart. 
Even when it hurts. 

16 comments:

  1. Thank you my lovely friend, I’m sorry you had to deal with this situation Elle. Sending you hugs xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Elle, I'm glad you wrote this post and that you were brave and vulnerable enough to post it. I for one, will continue to participate and try to keep this a safe place for everyone. My daughter will always call me out when she sees me doing or saying something counter to my values. I'm a feminist but I also grew up in the old school and those habits die hard. I may not take it perfectly every time, but she's always allowed to tell me what she sees. I hope that prevails here too. I hope that we can continue to act with compassion and honesty here, even when someone disagrees with us. Even when we disagree with someone.
    Elle thanks for this space and for keeping the spell casters and private investigators at bay...

    ReplyDelete
  3. And that, my friend, is why we keep coming back. I'm not onboard with everyone who posts and I do not relate to everyone's stories 100% but it is their story and I will be witness to their pain and struggles as they are to mine. Safety first.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I read this 3 times. I am the anon that stuck up for Ann. I have been sexually assaulted by a male cousin and one of his friends when I was 10 years old. I left 2 jobs because of what men have said to me even after making complaints about them. And I confronted , the OW who was telling people my h raped her. I didn't believe what Dr Ford was saying having experienced the things I have in my life. I do not like Trump, or Kavanaugh or any person like them and I made that clear in that post too. As a survivor of sexual assault I did not find Ann's remarks insulting or a slap in the face. And I am sorry that you felt that way but we all perceive things differently. I personally am tired of people playing victim to every little thing that doesn't go there way, hurts their feelings in some way. and throws blame at everyone else. I take responsibility for the decisions I make and mistakes that I have made. I personally think that Ann was probably having a bad day, trying to keep it together while going through a divorce. She probably came her looking for some kind of peace and got triggered by what she read, which I have many many times. I am not sure I will ever come back here again and post anything. I came here to have peace too. I read Brene Brown and other authors, some help and some don't but I will say that some times it feels like a giant clique on here.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I’m glad that you continue to give us this safe place to vent and voice our feelings! I don’t have to agree with everything any poster says. But I have learned so much from everyone who has posted on this blog from the beginning to the current! Believe me that I have read them all more than once since I found this place! I may not have agreed with Ann but I admire you for having the audacity to post her views and give her your opinion as well as our view of her post! That freedom of expression is what I love about our space here! I just hope Ann will rejoin our conversation in the future!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Elle—i am so sorry if any of my comments distressed you. Yes i too have felt a lot of distress since that post and the ensuing discourse that followed. I have lots to say with regards to my experience and stance i took that day. I won’t though. Because to be perfectly honest i am very uncomfortable with vulnerability.

    Elle i come to your site a lot and have read every post you’ve published for years. Often i don’t comment whether i agree or not. Often i May have different opinions and i keep them to myself. I know how to scroll past and i try very hard not to get all butt hurt over someone else’s insensitivities.

    Mostly i felt bad because i have read Ann’s comments here and i felt for her and her experience with infidelity. I felt bad because i know she’s a regular commenter here on your site. I never called Ann a bully. I merely stated that we can’t be bullied by anyone to keep bearing the burden of guilt for things that happened that weren’t our fault.

    Yes i too am a proud feminist. I’m not going to keep my mouth shut about being so just because the word feminist has been skewed to the negative. I did for a long time. But no more. Being anti feminist is just another way to tell women to shut up and accept the patriarchy.

    I feel badly for the poster who said her husband AP accused him of sexual abuse. I didn’t comment to her. But yes I’ve witnessed false accusations of that as well. A dear family member of mine, a teacher/coach was accused of sexual harassment by a very mentally disturbed mother. It was false and it was proven unequivocally false by even the woman’s daughter about whom she claimed was the victim. It was awful awful time. He could have lost his job immediately over such an accusation. Luckily it was nipped in the bud and she recanted her accusations. So i CAN relate. I’m not totally one sided on this issue.

    I am deeply sorry for any distress my commenting here may have caused you. I could write a bunch more but i won’t. Maybe I’ll just go back to simply reading and learning from all you wonderful women here.

    Thanks for this platform Elle. You do a great job here and i know it’s a lot of work. Hugs to all of you

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TH,
      I'm not going to respond to a lot of the comments here because I think it's time we all just moved on. But I did want to clear up any misconception that you caused me any distress. You absolutely did not. No worries at all. Please continue to share your thoughts and views. If I have a problem, I'll let you know. ;)

      Delete
  7. I’d also like to pose a question. Is it really so important that we have to express every optinion we have especually when that opinion flys in the face of someone else’s experience? Is it not maybe more important to listen and try to understand someone else’s POV based on their personal experience? Is it so impossible to understand that just maybe you too may be faced with the very same experience someday? Maybe not to you personally but someone near and dear to you? Is it really so hard not to react?

    ReplyDelete
  8. I discovered this site immediately following DD, just over 3 years ago . It is not hyperbole to say that it saved both my mind and my marriage. I followed every post and commentary as if my life depended on it. As things have gotten better in my life I have continued to read and love Elle's posts via the subscribed emails and to follow her on Twitter, but I don't often check in on the site itself to read comments. When I read this post this morning I clicked through to the "Once a cheater" post and saw the firestorm for the first time. I am blown away and heartbroken by the insidious way in which the patriarchy has poisoned the hearts and minds of so many women such as Ann who have suffered at its hands and don't even know it. Elle, I am with you, as you have always been here with me. Thank you for doing what you do.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Elle - I for one am thankful that you allowed Ann's comments to come through. I've become one who has tried really hard to read between the words ... kind of looking for Easter Eggs in a movie. I think Anonymous is spot on in that those words were written from somewhere other than how some might have perceived them. And it might have been an outlet for Ann to vent her frustrations on a topic that was safe rather than on what might truly be instigating that venom.

    I've been part of this group for a year now. I've had women cheer me on when I needed them to - so many remembered details of my story from post to post - I've read women's comments to others about their situation that truly hit home with me in that moment - I've been the recipient of your "soft love" responses ... I've had people comment negatively on comments I made on some posts about my own affair 5 years ago (and they even came back and apologized later) ... I've read posts and wanted to scream "just leave that no good cheating asshole already" ... This site is full of emotions and disagreements are bound to occur.

    I will continue to come back here because this "giant clique" has become my sisterhood. It's my life line in this shit hole I've fallen victim to. It's a place that we can come and vent ... scream ... make mistakes ... and in the next posting all will be forgotten (and dare I say forgiven?).

    I don't have to agree with everyone ... I don't have to like everyone ... but I do have to respect everyone. maybe my momma did teach me a thing or two.

    ReplyDelete
  10. :) I forgot one last thing ... I've also been a person who has come here - was triggered - made a post - and then came back and deleted it later. Again ... emotions ... :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. I missed the incident that you are addressing. But I feel like people say stupid, hurtful things sitting anonymously on a computer. When they probably wouldn't say that if they were actually face to face to the person. Just something else to consider. Thanks for helping us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don’t think it’s stupid for sticking up for someone else and everyone on here uses either anonymous or some other name including the woman who owns this site.

      Delete
  12. Yikes. I missed the whole thing, but will go read now. Because my name is ann, and we're all anonymous, I feel the overwhelming need to point out I'm the ann who always posts with a lowercase a. Different ann's.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Wooo whooo my kind of ann. So sorry for the mix up. My bad đŸ˜˜

    ReplyDelete
  14. I have so many thoughts after these posts and comments. I stand by the fact that personally I act the same whether I use my name or not. One thing that I have learned through this betrayal is that I am going to be open and honest. I think I was one of the original people to comment and/or bring up the trial. For me personally I cannot deny the parallels I felt between my own sexual assault and also even it felt the same to be betrayed. Again this is just me saying this. I could write hundreds of posts on the details related to this trial. I think it reaches all areas of our societies. I see and hear how girls/women are treated at such young ages. Then add in affluence and it is even worse.

    I urge everyone to vote no matter what your thoughts are on any topic. An engaged electorate is critical. I do hope that women, minorities and underrepresented do everything they can to vote. It is a gift and it is so important. And we need to vote in every election. I am saddened by the anger I see whether it be here or anywhere. Debate is good but civil debate is critical.

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails