When it comes down to somebody else’s comfort and my self-respect, I will always choose me first because that’s the right answer. If my options are teach you how to treat me or suffer in silence, you’re going to learn something today. ~tweeted by Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle)
Not sure about the rest of you but I responded to this tweet with a "hell yes!". And then I felt ridiculous. Because though I support this with my whole heart, I have actually spent much of my life as the QUEEN of choosing somebody else's comfort over my self-respect.
I concluded early on that I could handle more than most people around me (typical among children of addicts) and so I routinely sacrificed my self-respect, my comfort, my wants, in favor of not rocking the boat.
If someone was upset, it was my job to smooth things over.
Amazing how entrenched those old lessons from childhood are, isn't it? iSmashFizzle's follow-up tweets noted that she was routinely shut down when she would demand apologies from adults who'd disrespected her as a kid. So where I learned to stop asking and to start prioritizing their comfort over my self-respect, she learned to demand louder. And to never stop demanding.
How I wish I could channel some of that chutzpah. That inner knowing that what I want and need is just as valid as anyone else.
But when we grow up in dysfunction, we usually learn one of two ways to exist in our relationships and the larger world: I matter and you don't. Or: You matter and I don't. Which approach we adopt depends on all sorts of variables, including gender, personality and culture.
But a healthy relationship is one in which I matter AND you matter.
Not sure what that looks like? I didn't either.
Which brings me to something I had to accept in myself after D-Day. I had long taken pride in abandoning my needs and self-respect for other's comfort that I cloaked myself in sacrifice.
I loved playing the martyr. And it added fuel to an unhealthy relationship.
This wasn't all on my husband. His family's dysfunction was fostered in a highly patriarchal environment. Everyone bowed to his father. So my husband, who always felt like he didn't matter was nonetheless male, which convinced him that he SHOULD matter. And so, with me, he operated from a fear that he didn't matter but also from a determination to fight hard for what he needed because he should matter. After all, he was the man.
I came to our relationship with my brand of "don't worry about me", delivered with a sigh and a metaphorical polishing of the halo over my head.
He took me at my word and didn't worry about me. After all, I was super-capable and clearly easy-going.
And I fell deeper and deeper into this stew of resentment because he wasn't supposed to believe me when I said not to worry about me or my needs. He was supposed to just know better.
Recipe for disaster. Or at least marital breakdown.
It was only with my husband revealed as a low-down scumbag cheater that I finally felt justified making some demands. First among them, get her out of our lives. And then, work on your issues via therapy and a 12-step group. No negotiation. No putting his comfort over my needs. For the first year, my needs mattered. His did not. The pendulum had swung the other way.
Which, in the short term, is fair. In the weeks and months following betrayal, I do believe the betrayed partner's needs take priority. He might be hurting but she is devastated. He might be injured but she is on life support.
If we want a healthy marriage, however, we can't stay there. Even if our marriage breaks up, we need to learn to operate within relationships in which both partners matter. In which nobody's comfort routinely trumps the other's self-respect. Nobody should never suffer in silence.
As @iSmashFizzle reminds us, we teach others how to treat us. Perhaps it's time for those around us to learn something today.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
Elle what an insightful post, beyond affairs. You and I must be sisters from different mothers. It took me only 62 years and survive a firing squad of one. I still find myself slipping back, it is easier to get by that way. I still find myself not saying something, it is easier to get along. I hate myself when I do this, I recognize it now. It is so ingrained, reinforced and served me well for 62 years that it is hard to stop. I have to fight this everyday in my mind. It is herculean effort to overcome this mind set from a dysfunctional family. Plus even though I recognize this, then what? I don't know what to say. My mind is has been so filtered that I don't know how to say it. You don't smooth things over anymore so then what, either I could have said it better or I suffer the blow back that comes down to "you are wrong". My therapist taught me passive aggressive, appropriate aggressive and bitch aggressive. But she isn't here for every circumstance. It is tough. I still haven't learn to tell someone "your a shit" except my H. I'll keep working on it.
ReplyDeleteLLP,
DeleteYep, it's hard. So so hard.
But...I've learned to keep it to "me" not "you". So you don't tell someone that "you're a shit" as tempting and as true as that might be. You say "when you [fill-in-the-blank-here], I feel [fill-in-the-blank-here]. So, the other night when my husband came home, grunted at me and then sat down to watch TV, I said, "when you don't take time to ask me about my day, I feel like I don't matter". Works great with teens too!
Sometimes, it's hard to get the words out. I hate feeling vulnerable. But even though it's still tough, it's not as tough as it used to be.
"When you're late to meet me, I feel like I'm not important to you."
"When you forget my birthday, I feel hurt."
(I could do this all day. 😉)
The key is talking from your hurt or fear, not your anger (which is usually a mask for your hurt or fear). With practice, it's easier to be assertive. If I can do it, honestly, anyone can.
I’m all for teaching others how to treat us, I hope that modelling my behaviour will make others kind towards me.. funnily enough it was my birthday yesterday, my eldest who is 14 years old had remembered the night before however on my birthday morning had clearly forgot, I didn’t remind him of it I went along to my morning lectures as normal and received a text from my ex to say happy birthday which I thought was nice he had also rung my son to inform him that he would give him some money she he could take me out for a birthday meal (again very nice) I then got a text from my son to say happy birthday. When I picked my son up from school I said ‘can you imagine how you would feel if I forgot your birthday’ he shrugged his shoulders. I’m not liking teenagers at the minute especially mine he’s so self centred lol. Anyhow It turned out to be one of the best birthdays ever. My friends at uni had bought me a cake and sang happy birthday part way through the lecture, I got beautiful flowers from my sis, I got a very unexpected silk kimono from a women called SS1 from Philadelphia which was one of my favourite gifts and I went out for a meal with some friends.. I was inundated with birthday messages and was overwhelmed with the love and support that surrounds me.. it was another one of them days when I was feeling so blessed.. thank you ladies for helping me get to where I am today xxx
ReplyDeletePs I’ve just recovered from my jet lag what a week it’s been.
Xxxx
What a week indeed! Hope you can catch your breath. And happy birthday Sam A! Glad you felt celebrated by everyone who loves you.
DeleteI remember walking on eggshells all the time with my h. More so after he tried to end his life the second time. Three weeks after he got out of the hospital, for his first attempt, we were discussing what happened and I went to bed upset. He decided that he caused me too much pain and was going to just end it all again. He got on the highway and was going to go to NYC and jump off the Tapian Z bridge but the roads were icing over and he didn't get very far and came back home and managed to deal with what he had done. When he told his counselor what happened she told him that "that if I can't handle what happened that he should consider divorcing me". In the mean time, dealing with the first suicide attempt, the OW and her friends thought they had the right to try and contact my h while he was in the hospital. They contacted his "real" job and a friend of ours. Trying to get information on him. When I blocked her number on his phone she got a calling card to get past the block. That's when they found out I wasn't such a weak person after all. Being nice to people made me weak in their eyes and because they had fooled me while planning out the destruction of my marriage. Protecting him at that time was the priority. Six months after dday is when I was able to put my healing into the for front. Moving across the country at first didn't help. I had contacted her to find out "the truth" of what really happened in that restaurant. Everything that came out of her mouth ended up being some weird fantasy life she was planning. I was still a mess dealing with contact with her and then add on the additional stress of trying to find employment at the age of 53. It took me up to year 3 this past September to start feeling like me again. But I've learned how to deal with him and others in a different way even though I still take everything personally at first. I tend not to trust people until I get to know them better. I learned how to deal with mental illness ( he is bipolar 1 and his affair was due to a manic episode that he had) not only with him but our daughter too who suffers from general anxiety disorder. All and all the last 3 years taught me so much about myself and others.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteWow -- you've had a whole lot to deal with. Yes, bipolar's manic episodes are often marked by promiscuity so an affair is not surprising (though nonetheless painful as hell for you). And I'm sorry re. your daughter. There's anxiety in my family too and it really can get in the way of things -- just seems to make everything harder.
But...look at you. Learning from this. Making huge changes in your life. And beginning to feel like yourself again. That's incredible.
As for taking things personally, that is tough to un-learn but, like you, I'm beginning to. So much of other people's stuff isn't about us at all. In fact, almost all of it isn't about us at all. And when we can trust others to deal with their stuff and not take it personally, life gets easier. But it's a process.
This is so timely for me. My messaging was different though. I believed that I was worthy and important but I expected other people to back it up. I didn't have the confidence to be my own cheerleader, to have my own back. And when people failed to have my back, I felt worthless and/or resentful. But with my H's affair, I slowly discovered that I wasn't going to put up with him not having my back. It has taken me a long time to really stand up for myself and put my money where my mouth his (i.e. kicking him out). Also, my H grew up within a hugely patriarchal and entitled environment. But while he was the poor kid in the midst of it, he grew up with a sense of deserving to be catered to and prioritized. So he couldn't see that my needs after his affair should have come first. He kept trying to extract things from me--sex, emotional caretaking, accomodation. I bent over backwards (literally...) trying to be a good person to him but I was not being a good person to me (and he certainly couldn't be a good person to me). So I had to get behind myself. I had to stop looking to him to give me support. I am still working on being fiercely on my own side.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds like me too. I couldn't quite understand why others didn't see my worth. But that got in the way of ME seeing my worth.
DeleteI think a lot of men grew up with a sense that they were entitled simply because that's how many families and certainly our culture operated. I have some sympathy for these guys because the rules have changed dramatically for them and they're being asked to share power. But that sympathy doesn't extend to enabling. Get over it.
From what you've written here, I think you've done a good job of being fiercely on your own side. But it's a process. And old habits die hard. We need to remain vigilant. We need to pause before reacting to make sure we're really acting in our own best interests or are we acquiescing to avoid conflict, discomfort etc. I'm still working on it too.
I made the mistake of believing most people I spent time with but especially my husband was in line with me, my way of thinking and my morals. He put on an act and lied to my face. Sure not everything was perfect but it was hard to detect with his sporadic affairs. I will say it was hard for both of us to make changes after 25+ years. Much of our behaviors had become habits. For us talking weekly about us not just the affairs was huge. And at about 2 years post dday the conversation we had about my revelation that my expectations had shifted and elevated was critical. For my husband he thought he was all good since there was nothing going on in his life with other women and zero desire etc. He felt like he cleaned up everything he needed to. That was the point where I told him that was all good but not good enough for me. Over the past 1 1/2 years since then we have worked hard. We are at a point where he does not get defensive. Sometimes he feels bad since issues do circle back to the affairs. But that is something he has to learn to cope and deal with. It makes it so much easier to be open when I am not faced with a defensive or combative reply from him. This is a constant work in progress but thank you for everyone here and all of the posts Elle.
ReplyDeleteI always assumed people thought like I did too. Not anymore!
DeleteI have been a bit quiet here lately, like you MBS I have been working on my own side. I have been practicing mindfulness and meditation, (I'm considering training as a mindfulness teacher) I have been going out more socially to interesting plays and other events, I have taken up the 'Couch to 5k' running programme and have gone from a stroller to someone who can now run for twenty mins straight (feels like a big accomplishment for me). I've been looking at part-time jobs or other 'gigs' alongside writing my novels and looking after the four kids - my eldest who had severe problems and was out of school for almost two years is doing well in his final year of school. My husband is in IC. He was very messed up and we still have huge financial problems as his and pals start up is struggling for cash (he's interviewing for a more secure job. What I'd like some feedback on is where is he 'being nice', cooking, shopping, listening about my career ideas, he has really fallen down over the years over supporting me with affair recovery. He devastated me in 2014 and knew it, he did not support me in triggers, he continued porn though against agreements and in 2017 met women for lunches behind me back again. Since then he's been in IC but asked for time before he could really engage on what he has done (he's done bits and pieces but nothing substantial). I now feel the time has past for timely apologies and reparation, so I am friendly but draw a line at changing clothes in front of him and sex when I feel he is letting things slide. I don't want to be holding things over him and its beginning to feel arbitary to go over stuff in the past but I really don't feel he has been as thoughtful or given it the gravitas, focus, atonement (as in thoughtful actions) it needs. But then I wonder, what can he do now? I don't want to beat him up about it but I can't just go back to 'nice times as if nothing ever happened' because its too like his mode of enjoying the good times and then deceiving me again.
ReplyDeleteFOH,
DeleteI'm so excited for you! You've really put some positive things in place for you. That's great.
As for your husband, I think a lot of us fall into this question about what we're entitled to want and what's the statute of limitations on wanting him to talk to us, make amends, etc.
So...he had no trouble asking you to give him some time to deal with his own stuff before being asked to account for the affair stuff. Which you gave him.
Now, it's time for you to get clear on what you need from him. Exactly. Every single thing.
You are completely entitled to discuss this with him -- doesn't matter if it was a decade ago. He's asking you to give him a second (third?) chance. Fine. Well...here's the deal. And then tell him. But first, take some time to consider what you really need from him.