I'm recycling a bit just at the moment. Seeing lots of posts about people and their spouses celebrating anniversaries or family events, just being one big happy loving family. Feeling like divorce is or has or will be costing me all those things. I'm a little tired about it. But I also have to remember that while initially it was thrust upon me, I have, for some long time, chosen this path based on the idea that I might become something more, or make something more of my life. That I deserved something simpler, even if it doesn't have the same window dressing I thought it would. And I have to remember that the first time he asked me to rescue him from the mess he made, talked about missing home, the kids, the neighborhood (and nothing about how he regretted losing me or hurting me), I bravely told him I needed to choose myself this time. Even though I'm not sure I believed it or knew quite what that meant way back then. I need to remember that right now, that I have chosen myself and my life is better for it.
Bravo SS1. You had wisdom you hadn't yet fully tapped. You chose you. For a change. And now you're living with the change and it will have good parts and not-so-good parts but overall you have chosen simplicity over chaos.
My first entry of my journal was today and I came on here to find Hug Words today fitted into my world today. MY DD 4th June 17
Part 1 Where am I Today ANGRY 31st October 2018
Today I woke up with a black cloud around me! Feeling so sad, hurt & angry. 2 years ago today was the 1st night my husband had slept out all night with his whore! Not that I knew at the time! I just found out on 9 weeks ago & maybe with all his lies and denial it’s was not even the first time! God I am so ANGRY! Not with the knowing that he was with her but the lies and denial! Him trying to say it was not planed! Really you think I am so stupid! It just happened! I was drunk! This is what hurts – NOT TAKING RESPOSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS Yes you planed it! You wanted to fuck her! Make out I didn’t care about you! Make out I would not care that you did not come home! Make out to your whore that your marriage was really over and you could do anything you wanted!!! Why deny what really happened? WHY? Why still lie and deceive me for over a year? Make me make up the bed you slept in with her! Was that a big laugh and an ego boost for you! What it does show is who you really are and what resect you have for me and what you really think of our relationship! Reconciliation – well that was a joke! Yes a joke at my expense! Still lying and deceiving me as we were re-newing our marriage vows. OMG that was some slap to the face I got finding out that even swearing on your children’s lives there was no more lies or secrets! Not that I even asked you to swear on their lives you just did it! You would rather lie & deceive than own your shit! So let’s get to why you can’t tell me the truth! Let’s get to the reason why you would swear on your children’s lives & still lie? Or would you rather they die before you told the truth? What have you got to lose? Oh yes you don’t want me to know what a lying cheating bastard you really are! (I KNOW! ) You don’t want me to know that YOU made all this happen in our marriage! ( I KNOW) You don’t want me to know that you wanted to fuck her long before you did! I don’t know when I started to fancy her! The I can’t remember! I didn’t know I was flirting, I didn’t mean for it to happen! I didn’t want to hurt you really! I still loved you!!!!! All complete and utter SHITE! JUST SHITE!!!!!!
This is what is making me want to walk away! Not that you did it! Because you won’t own what you did! Yea you say you know what you did! But you won’t tell me what you did! You won’t admit to me what you did! You won’t be truthful! You won’t be honest! You won’t admit to yourself what you did! WHY? BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE YOU RESPOSIBLE FOR WHAT YOU DID! NO_ONE ELSE JUST YOU Because you don’t want acknowledge what you are capable of doing? You don’t want other people to know what you are capable off! You don’t want other people to know you are a cheat and selfish liar! You don’t want to acknowledge you didn’t love or care enough about me & the children? And yes this was about the children’s lives too! Do you really think they would have turned around after you destroyed their lives & safety and said Yes dad you go off and be happy! Don’t mind us! Our feelings don’t matter! Your life is more important! This is what you are capable off! This is what you have done! Pretending it wasn’t as bad as it looked. Pretending it just happened. Pretending you didn’t mean for it going this far. Pretending you only said things because your whore wanted to hear them! Pretending you wanted to try and work on a new marriage with me and all along you knew it was because of all the lies you told! And we better not forget the no money part! And your WHORE would find out! All the lies that I didn’t love you! All the lies I didn’t do anything for you! All the lies that we didn’t sleep together in the same bed every night! All the lies we never had sex! All the lies you never had any money because of me! When you gambled & drank it away! All the lies that you had to do everything around the house, all the cooking, all the shopping, all the cleaning & washing because I was so lazy! All the you had to look & take care of the children and provide for them OH and don’t forget you had to keep the safe from me! The evil mother!
And she believed it all! Because she was so desperate! And you believed all your lies in the end because you were so desperate for attention with no responsibilities. Drink, Fuck and blame me for ruining your life. So you both thought you were meant for each other and you both thought you were sole mates for each other!! (Good luck trying to lie & explain that one away to me )
So I am coming close to the end of all this shit! The ongoing lies, deception! The not fighting to make this new marriage honest, reliable & safe. The not being the true & honourable man I thought you were & who you said you wanted to be again. The not standing up and owning & taking responsibility of the shit you done. Yes I know you want to sweep it all under the rug! Put the past behind us! Get on with our lives and have more of the good times like we have been having lately! But the good times have happened while you were still lying & deceiving me, so your heart & sole have not been fully in making our marriage work. I did begin to trust that you wanted this as much as I did! But what is that old saying ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS but you lied & deceived me with withholding information and blew that little trust I had away. Just because you didn’t want to own up to how much planning has gone to making a all night fucking session with your whore and you were quite happy to destroy our marriage for it. Well she thought you would of but little did she know what a liar & coward you were and you weren’t sure you had warmed up her bed enough so you would get to live there! I am not scared to hear the truth, just like I’m not scared to be alone! I don’t need another bed to jump into before ending this marriage. Unlike you and your whore I am not pathetic and desperate. What I have learnt through all this is who I am. I am loyal I am loving I am lovable I am faithful I know who to trust and to trust my instinct
Part 4 I did nothing to deserve this betrayal I was not a fool loving you; I was not a fool for trusting you and not seeing your betrayal! You were the FOOL betraying my unconditional love & trust! I was and am enough to be loved the way I deserve. (What you got from your whore and what she got from you is nothing I will ever want or need from you) As I said before I know what I want and what I deserve in my marriage, I want a truthful, honest, faithful marriage , I want a marriage & husband to be proud of and a husband to be proud of me and our marriage and nearly 18 months down the line what have I got? Still waiting for the truthful & honest! Faithful who knows? Without the truthful & honest the faithful part will soon go! There is no trust between us! You do not trust me enough to be truthful & honest to and now after all this time I don’t see anything changing as I can’t change anything. I have asked you plenty of times, cried pleaded & even begged for the truth and I am still not worth it in your eyes the respect I deserve. So here we are today 31st Oct 2018 The day our marriage should of ended 2 years ago. But I was not given the choice! But today older & wiser I do have that choice!
Dawn, I can feel your power from here. That man does not deserve you. You express your outrage so well. The storm before the calm, I hope. I never got that full clarity of firey anger (fuel for future life!) Wishing you strength and love for the new life ahead of you.
Dawn, Yes, you are wise and powerful. Your words show that. That you know your worth. That you know what you deserve. And you deserve someone who can show up for you, be honest with you (and himself). Sounds like he's not that guy. I'm so sorry for the pain you've gone through. But I know you're going to be fine.
Dawn, As I was reading your entries, I found myself reading faster and faster and my heart beating faster, too! By the end, I wanted to jump up, pump my fist and shout, YOU GO GIRL!
P.S. Your comment about ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS....Yes, it is an old saying,,,,but so so so much truth. It sounds simple,,,,and maybe it is because when you get right down to it, the truth is simple. Not as complicated as "people" make it. I had been contemplating that exact saying in the last couple weeks so it was interesting to see you mention it.
I cannot remember if it was Elle and/or my therapist that told me make sure that the actions match the words. At least for my husband is says the right thing almost all the time. And through the 10 "affair years" he looked me in the eye and lied to my face. I know he was lying to himself too. Another thing my husband has said love is a verb. It can be show in many ways but it needs to be shown. Just saying it is not enough. Maybe people can throw words around.
Yes, love is a verb. We love people when we show up for them, we love people when we're honest with them even when it's really REALLY uncomfortable. We love people by valuing their emotional safety. We don't love people only by telling them that we do.
Dawn, What you said is totally true. Every word of it. Two years out it is expected you are still in pain, agony, anger and injustice of it all. You are in what I call Stucksville, One part of your mind is in reconciliation and one part is in post-affair world. You want all the facts so you can have peace in your mind. My H never told me the entire truth and I was in agony. Should I stay or go with him still staying such a lair which is one of my core values. I held on to both worlds for another year into year four. No matter what I did he was just not going to tell me it all. I tried everything I knew, every manipulative thing I could. Didn't work. He showed me with his ACTIONS he deserved a second chance but breath in and let this next paragraph soak in.
We often wonder why after a cheater is caught they cannot emphasize with our pain. Affair = about cheater. Lying = about cheater Trickle-truth = about cheater Gaslighting = about cheater Reconciliation = about cheater. I never really thought about reconciliation may be about self-preservation. If cheater wants to stay in a safety net, then they are going to be regretful. After they get caught it is all about their self-preservation. It is all selfishness. Recovery is a two-person thing, regret is cheater focus and remorse is a BW focused. It just takes a long time before a cheater can show empathy. My H was never truthful, I never got the full story, I never really knew why he did all the things you stated about. I decided he is into the total selfishness of self-preservation. I decided in my mind, I was no longer married and I’m in the self-preservation mode. I live in that world of two minds. Sounds crazy I know. Our kids are grown so it is different. We are enjoying our retirement, traveling etc. I ask him last week, can we put everything in my name? He said sure no problem. Just start with your own self-preservation, what makes you happy with him. What you want and what you don't want. If your core value of honesty is so strong that you can't live with a liar then you know what to do. If there is a little gray area in there between knowing everything and your core value then you know what to do. I feel so bad for you. I get that familiar heart ache when I read your post.
I know everyone wants to move from last week. I have to say I was in struggle to stay or go. It would break my heart if anyone would say to me what was said to Anne. I agree with Anne, there I said it. Does that me not betrayed? Does that make me less of a woman? Does that make me with nothing to offer? Does that make me not able to see another's point of view? Does that make my heart not ache for someone like Dawn? Does that make me non-apologetic? I am the same person and my views and opinion can change and have changed throughout the years. Intolerance and inflexibility can deter warmness, kindness, forgiveness and just a good big bear hug. Hell, I don't even know what misogynist means. So because I don't think like you and you want to disown me, call me names, disagree then you do nothing but distance me further from understanding your point of view. It is about equality not sameness. That is all I'm going to say about that.
I'm recycling a bit just at the moment. Seeing lots of posts about people and their spouses celebrating anniversaries
ReplyDeleteor family events, just being one big happy loving family. Feeling like divorce is or has or will be costing me all those things. I'm a little tired about it. But I also have to remember that while initially it was thrust upon me, I have, for some long time, chosen this path based on the idea that I might become something more, or make something more of my life. That I deserved something simpler, even if it doesn't have the same window dressing I thought it would. And I have to remember that the first time he asked me to rescue him from the mess he made, talked about missing home, the kids, the neighborhood (and nothing about how he regretted losing me or hurting me), I bravely told him I needed to choose myself this time. Even though I'm not sure I believed it or knew quite what that meant way back then. I need to remember that right now, that I have chosen myself and my life is better for it.
Bravo SS1. You had wisdom you hadn't yet fully tapped. You chose you. For a change. And now you're living with the change and it will have good parts and not-so-good parts but overall you have chosen simplicity over chaos.
DeleteMy first entry of my journal was today and I came on here to find Hug Words today fitted into my world today. MY DD 4th June 17
ReplyDeletePart 1
Where am I Today
ANGRY
31st October 2018
Today I woke up with a black cloud around me! Feeling so sad, hurt & angry.
2 years ago today was the 1st night my husband had slept out all night with his whore! Not that I knew at the time! I just found out on 9 weeks ago & maybe with all his lies and denial it’s was not even the first time! God I am so ANGRY! Not with the knowing that he was with her but the lies and denial! Him trying to say it was not planed! Really you think I am so stupid! It just happened! I was drunk! This is what hurts – NOT TAKING RESPOSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS
Yes you planed it! You wanted to fuck her! Make out I didn’t care about you! Make out I would not care that you did not come home! Make out to your whore that your marriage was really over and you could do anything you wanted!!!
Why deny what really happened? WHY? Why still lie and deceive me for over a year? Make me make up the bed you slept in with her! Was that a big laugh and an ego boost for you! What it does show is who you really are and what resect you have for me and what you really think of our relationship!
Reconciliation – well that was a joke! Yes a joke at my expense! Still lying and deceiving me as we were re-newing our marriage vows. OMG that was some slap to the face I got finding out that even swearing on your children’s lives there was no more lies or secrets! Not that I even asked you to swear on their lives you just did it! You would rather lie & deceive than own your shit!
So let’s get to why you can’t tell me the truth! Let’s get to the reason why you would swear on your children’s lives & still lie? Or would you rather they die before you told the truth?
What have you got to lose? Oh yes you don’t want me to know what a lying cheating bastard you really are! (I KNOW! )
You don’t want me to know that YOU made all this happen in our marriage! ( I KNOW)
You don’t want me to know that you wanted to fuck her long before you did! I don’t know when I started to fancy her! The I can’t remember! I didn’t know I was flirting, I didn’t mean for it to happen! I didn’t want to hurt you really! I still loved you!!!!! All complete and utter SHITE! JUST SHITE!!!!!!
Part 2
ReplyDeleteYou Know!!
This is what is making me want to walk away!
Not that you did it!
Because you won’t own what you did! Yea you say you know what you did! But you won’t tell me what you did! You won’t admit to me what you did!
You won’t be truthful! You won’t be honest!
You won’t admit to yourself what you did! WHY?
BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE YOU RESPOSIBLE FOR WHAT YOU DID!
NO_ONE ELSE JUST YOU
Because you don’t want acknowledge what you are capable of doing?
You don’t want other people to know what you are capable off!
You don’t want other people to know you are a cheat and selfish liar!
You don’t want to acknowledge you didn’t love or care enough about me & the children?
And yes this was about the children’s lives too!
Do you really think they would have turned around after you destroyed their lives & safety and said Yes dad you go off and be happy! Don’t mind us! Our feelings don’t matter! Your life is more important!
This is what you are capable off! This is what you have done!
Pretending it wasn’t as bad as it looked. Pretending it just happened. Pretending you didn’t mean for it going this far. Pretending you only said things because your whore wanted to hear them!
Pretending you wanted to try and work on a new marriage with me and all along you knew it was because of all the lies you told! And we better not forget the no money part!
And your WHORE would find out!
All the lies that I didn’t love you! All the lies I didn’t do anything for you! All the lies that we didn’t sleep together in the same bed every night! All the lies we never had sex! All the lies you never had any money because of me! When you gambled & drank it away! All the lies that you had to do everything around the house, all the cooking, all the shopping, all the cleaning & washing because I was so lazy! All the you had to look & take care of the children and provide for them OH and don’t forget you had to keep the safe from me! The evil mother!
Part 3 Sorry had alot to get off my chest!
ReplyDeleteAnd she believed it all! Because she was so desperate! And you believed all your lies in the end because you were so desperate for attention with no responsibilities. Drink, Fuck and blame me for ruining your life. So you both thought you were meant for each other and you both thought you were sole mates for each other!! (Good luck trying to lie & explain that one away to me )
So I am coming close to the end of all this shit!
The ongoing lies, deception!
The not fighting to make this new marriage honest, reliable & safe.
The not being the true & honourable man I thought you were & who you said you wanted to be again.
The not standing up and owning & taking responsibility of the shit you done.
Yes I know you want to sweep it all under the rug! Put the past behind us! Get on with our lives and have more of the good times like we have been having lately! But the good times have happened while you were still lying & deceiving me, so your heart & sole have not been fully in making our marriage work.
I did begin to trust that you wanted this as much as I did! But what is that old saying ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS but you lied & deceived me with withholding information and blew that little trust I had away. Just because you didn’t want to own up to how much planning has gone to making a all night fucking session with your whore and you were quite happy to destroy our marriage for it. Well she thought you would of but little did she know what a liar & coward you were and you weren’t sure you had warmed up her bed enough so you would get to live there!
I am not scared to hear the truth, just like I’m not scared to be alone! I don’t need another bed to jump into before ending this marriage. Unlike you and your whore I am not pathetic and desperate.
What I have learnt through all this is who I am.
I am loyal
I am loving
I am lovable
I am faithful
I know who to trust and to trust my instinct
Part 4
ReplyDeleteI did nothing to deserve this betrayal
I was not a fool loving you; I was not a fool for trusting you and not seeing your betrayal! You were the FOOL betraying my unconditional love & trust!
I was and am enough to be loved the way I deserve. (What you got from your whore and what she got from you is nothing I will ever want or need from you)
As I said before I know what I want and what I deserve in my marriage, I want a truthful, honest, faithful marriage , I want a marriage & husband to be proud of and a husband to be proud of me and our marriage and nearly 18 months down the line what have I got?
Still waiting for the truthful & honest! Faithful who knows? Without the truthful & honest the faithful part will soon go! There is no trust between us! You do not trust me enough to be truthful & honest to and now after all this time I don’t see anything changing as I can’t change anything. I have asked you plenty of times, cried pleaded & even begged for the truth and I am still not worth it in your eyes the respect I deserve.
So here we are today 31st Oct 2018 The day our marriage should of ended 2 years ago.
But I was not given the choice!
But today older & wiser I do have that choice!
Dawn, I can feel your power from here. That man does not deserve you. You express your outrage so well. The storm before the calm, I hope. I never got that full clarity of firey anger (fuel for future life!) Wishing you strength and love for the new life ahead of you.
DeleteDawn
DeleteI hear your every word.
Hugs to you
Gabby xo
Dawn,
DeleteYes, you are wise and powerful. Your words show that. That you know your worth. That you know what you deserve.
And you deserve someone who can show up for you, be honest with you (and himself). Sounds like he's not that guy.
I'm so sorry for the pain you've gone through. But I know you're going to be fine.
Dawn, As I was reading your entries, I found myself reading faster and faster and my heart beating faster, too! By the end, I wanted to jump up, pump my fist and shout, YOU GO GIRL!
ReplyDeleteP.S.
Your comment about ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS....Yes, it is an old saying,,,,but so so so much truth. It sounds simple,,,,and maybe it is because when you get right down to it, the truth is simple. Not as complicated as "people" make it. I had been contemplating that exact saying in the last couple weeks so it was interesting to see you mention it.
I am cheering for you!
I cannot remember if it was Elle and/or my therapist that told me make sure that the actions match the words. At least for my husband is says the right thing almost all the time. And through the 10 "affair years" he looked me in the eye and lied to my face. I know he was lying to himself too. Another thing my husband has said love is a verb. It can be show in many ways but it needs to be shown. Just saying it is not enough. Maybe people can throw words around.
DeleteYes, love is a verb. We love people when we show up for them, we love people when we're honest with them even when it's really REALLY uncomfortable. We love people by valuing their emotional safety. We don't love people only by telling them that we do.
DeleteDawn, What you said is totally true. Every word of it. Two years out it is expected you are still in pain, agony, anger and injustice of it all. You are in what I call Stucksville, One part of your mind is in reconciliation and one part is in post-affair world. You want all the facts so you can have peace in your mind. My H never told me the entire truth and I was in agony. Should I stay or go with him still staying such a lair which is one of my core values. I held on to both worlds for another year into year four. No matter what I did he was just not going to tell me it all. I tried everything I knew, every manipulative thing I could. Didn't work. He showed me with his ACTIONS he deserved a second chance but breath in and let this next paragraph soak in.
ReplyDeleteWe often wonder why after a cheater is caught they cannot emphasize with our pain. Affair = about cheater. Lying = about cheater Trickle-truth = about cheater Gaslighting = about cheater Reconciliation = about cheater. I never really thought about reconciliation may be about self-preservation. If cheater wants to stay in a safety net, then they are going to be regretful. After they get caught it is all about their self-preservation. It is all selfishness. Recovery is a two-person thing, regret is cheater focus and remorse is a BW focused. It just takes a long time before a cheater can show empathy. My H was never truthful, I never got the full story, I never really knew why he did all the things you stated about. I decided he is into the total selfishness of self-preservation. I decided in my mind, I was no longer married and I’m in the self-preservation mode. I live in that world of two minds. Sounds crazy I know. Our kids are grown so it is different. We are enjoying our retirement, traveling etc. I ask him last week, can we put everything in my name? He said sure no problem. Just start with your own self-preservation, what makes you happy with him. What you want and what you don't want. If your core value of honesty is so strong that you can't live with a liar then you know what to do. If there is a little gray area in there between knowing everything and your core value then you know what to do. I feel so bad for you. I get that familiar heart ache when I read your post.
I know everyone wants to move from last week. I have to say I was in struggle to stay or go. It would break my heart if anyone would say to me what was said to Anne. I agree with Anne, there I said it. Does that me not betrayed? Does that make me less of a woman? Does that make me with nothing to offer? Does that make me not able to see another's point of view? Does that make my heart not ache for someone like Dawn? Does that make me non-apologetic? I am the same person and my views and opinion can change and have changed throughout the years. Intolerance and inflexibility can deter warmness, kindness, forgiveness and just a good big bear hug. Hell, I don't even know what misogynist means. So because I don't think like you and you want to disown me, call me names, disagree then you do nothing but distance me further from understanding your point of view. It is about equality not sameness. That is all I'm going to say about that.
ReplyDeleteLLP,
DeleteI'm glad you're still here. Your presence on this site is valued.
llp I’m glad your still here too.. loved reading your comments the last few years. Great to see how you far you have come on this journey. Xx
ReplyDelete