For me I have felt like it is more of a Pandora's Box. Initially I thought we will work through this betrayal thing set boundaries and move forward either together or apart. What I have found is that the betrayal was not in isolation. Really for my husband at least to be able to do what he did I would say he compromised many aspects of his life. And what allowed him to make those bad decisions is part of who he is. My husband too thought hey as long as I am setting the right boundaries with women I am good. But as this has evolved we have had to deal with friends, alcohol, family responsibilities, etc. And wrapped up in all of this are gender/family biases and dynamics and habits. And as time moves on I always feel this tug of are we slipping back into old habits (not anything to do with women at all but the rest of life).
I like this post because red flags evolve into boundaries. It was like my life was controlled by him. I became resentful a with anger. I never realized that I could not have any freedom as long as I let myself be controlled by him. We didn't say "Till death do us part and he is going to control you." No, it was what I thought I was supposed to do. My boundaries were like keeping water in a sponge. My freedom shrank every year. UNTIL, my H gave our promise away to a psycho kindergarten whore. I can remember thinking, I did all this for him and this is my appreciate, my reward? This is my second-place trophy? This is how he shows he loves me? Suddenly I was pissed beyond anything I had ever known. Boundaries were rigid and I’ll be emotionally disturbed as long as it takes. I was confused. I can’t order boundaries, there is no next day delivery, doesn’t come in an app. I started with a blank piece of paper, trial and error with boundaries. The point wasn’t to finish the game as a winner with boundaries. “You need to do this or else”. The point is overcome the challenges of making boundaries. Overcome making boundaries; before I wasn’t able to do that, didn’t know I was suppose to do that. Boundaries that were rigid became a little less rigid and that was a sense of growth in myself. Finding some crisis meaning in this hot mess of his. To make my life more bearable. Then I felt progress, I experienced progress, that was my meaning. Overcoming all obstacles, is meaning. I forgot about him and just thought of myself. Self-care, self-compassion whatever I called it, stay or go, boundaries helped me make the right decisions based on what is best for me. How hard was this? Damn hard. How long did this take? At least 3 years (I’m a slow question myself learner). Do you always keep your boundaries? Hell, no, there is push back almost always. I analyze the boundary, was it based on emotional overload, was it really focused on me or punishment, did I not state the consequences? It is ok, boundaries are not the same as lines in the sand, they are based on my desires then being clear with myself, then others, including the ass hole of the universe about those boundaries.
Ohmigod, LLP, You have come SO FAR. What you wrote about boundaries is so smart. And your willingness to challenge yourself and your boundaries to ensure they come from a genuine place of self-respect and accountability is more than I was capable of that point in time and maybe even (gulp) now. Thanks for the lesson!
For me I have felt like it is more of a Pandora's Box. Initially I thought we will work through this betrayal thing set boundaries and move forward either together or apart. What I have found is that the betrayal was not in isolation. Really for my husband at least to be able to do what he did I would say he compromised many aspects of his life. And what allowed him to make those bad decisions is part of who he is. My husband too thought hey as long as I am setting the right boundaries with women I am good. But as this has evolved we have had to deal with friends, alcohol, family responsibilities, etc. And wrapped up in all of this are gender/family biases and dynamics and habits. And as time moves on I always feel this tug of are we slipping back into old habits (not anything to do with women at all but the rest of life).
ReplyDeleteDefinitely deal breakers.
ReplyDeleteI like this post because red flags evolve into boundaries. It was like my life was controlled by him. I became resentful a with anger. I never realized that I could not have any freedom as long as I let myself be controlled by him. We didn't say "Till death do us part and he is going to control you." No, it was what I thought I was supposed to do. My boundaries were like keeping water in a sponge. My freedom shrank every year. UNTIL, my H gave our promise away to a psycho kindergarten whore. I can remember thinking, I did all this for him and this is my appreciate, my reward? This is my second-place trophy? This is how he shows he loves me? Suddenly I was pissed beyond anything I had ever known. Boundaries were rigid and I’ll be emotionally disturbed as long as it takes. I was confused. I can’t order boundaries, there is no next day delivery, doesn’t come in an app. I started with a blank piece of paper, trial and error with boundaries. The point wasn’t to finish the game as a winner with boundaries. “You need to do this or else”. The point is overcome the challenges of making boundaries. Overcome making boundaries; before I wasn’t able to do that, didn’t know I was suppose to do that. Boundaries that were rigid became a little less rigid and that was a sense of growth in myself. Finding some crisis meaning in this hot mess of his. To make my life more bearable. Then I felt progress, I experienced progress, that was my meaning. Overcoming all obstacles, is meaning. I forgot about him and just thought of myself. Self-care, self-compassion whatever I called it, stay or go, boundaries helped me make the right decisions based on what is best for me. How hard was this? Damn hard. How long did this take? At least 3 years (I’m a slow question myself learner). Do you always keep your boundaries? Hell, no, there is push back almost always. I analyze the boundary, was it based on emotional overload, was it really focused on me or punishment, did I not state the consequences? It is ok, boundaries are not the same as lines in the sand, they are based on my desires then being clear with myself, then others, including the ass hole of the universe about those boundaries.
ReplyDeleteOhmigod, LLP, You have come SO FAR. What you wrote about boundaries is so smart. And your willingness to challenge yourself and your boundaries to ensure they come from a genuine place of self-respect and accountability is more than I was capable of that point in time and maybe even (gulp) now. Thanks for the lesson!
Delete