I built my ego on never needing help. I fed on others' praise for being so "together". Asking for help felt akin to walking out my door completely naked. Exposed. If I didn't have it all together, why would anyone want to be my friend?
Dysfunctional families teach us that the world exists on a binary. We are either good or bad. Right or wrong. Valuable or worthless. We are either doing great or falling apart. We matter only or we don't matter at all.
Enter betrayal and the ridiculous binary that our culture imposes onto it – women who get cheated on are nags, frigid, homely; men who cheat are dogs, players, cads.
If we tell anyone, we face judgement: "You're not going to stay with him, are you? or "Think about what leaving will do to your children." Or, as a friend who'd been betrayed herself said to me, "Well, I certainly wouldn't stay."
And what that judgement does – whether experienced outright or perceived – is stir up the rot of our old stuff. My old stuff included a conviction that staying with a husband who cheated was what pathetic women did. It included a sense of non-surprise. Of course, he cheated on me. After all, I was all those things that I'd heard for years that I was: too sensitive, too demanding, too selfish, spoken in my mother's drunken slur.
I'd suited myself up in armour over the years. I'd made sure that I was fit (two marathons!), a good mother (plenty of fresh air and no processed sugar for MY children!), successful (ten books written while my children napped). That I thought that armour of faux perfection could protect me is laughable in hindsight. At the time, however, it offered the only protection I had.
Then D-Day, the metaphorical bomb that blows up our worlds.
And suddenly my armour was revealed to be as useless as it always had been. Being "perfect" hadn't saved me from heartbreak. It had only lent the illusion of protection. As Liz Gilbert puts it, "perfect is just fear in good shoes."
And my rot was stirred.
Those old messages might as well have been written on my bathroom mirror. I couldn't see past them to the woman standing there.
"You're not sexy enough."
"You're too demanding."
"You don't make enough money."
"You don't dress up enough."
And on. And on.
It felt akin to walking out the door completely naked. Even with very few people knowing about my husband's betrayal, I felt utterly exposed as a fraud. One of saddest, most vivid memories I have about that time is my sense that everyone was laughing at me, delighting in my humiliation.
Who the hell had I thought I was?
Which is the question that has underscored every other lesson I've learned through this.
Who the hell did I think I was?
It's the shackle that binds so many of us who grow up in dysfunction. Hell, it's a shackle that binds pretty much any woman who expects to be seen, to be treated fairly. Any time we think we've transcended the shame of our childhoods, or shed the low expectations, it's there. Just who the hell do we think we are?
Who do we think we are to imagine someone could love us?
Who do we think we are to believe ourselves worthy of a good education?
Who do we think we are to apply for that job, that promotion, that opportunity? To be allowed in the room?
Who do we think we are to deserve fidelity? To be able to age? To go grey? To grow soft?
Who do we think we are?
Who I think I am is someone who is human. Who is worthy of love and belonging, despite – even because of – my shortcomings. Who deserves a seat at the table.
Just who the hell do you think you are? That's a question for you to answer based on the truth of you, not the old stories you've been told.
But here's a start: You are someone who did not deserve to be cheated on. After all, just who the hell does he think he is?
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
STANDING APPLAUSE WITH LOUD CLAPPING AND ENCORE! Love this post.
ReplyDeleteI read this today - Who are you? You’re the only person in the world that can give them absolution for their sins. As the major injured party, you have power. If you forgive them and take them back then family will follow my lead. He may not love you or need your money but you’re the key to kids, family. You’re also the key for forgiving himself.
ReplyDeleteSo many things that I am still wrestling with here. I recently had a moment where my inner mom (who's getting pretty strong btw - getting pretty good at being the mother I always needed) said to me "where did you learn that your happiness must always be at the expense of someone else's?" whoa. But I realized that was true for me. I was having a hard time choosing what I really wanted to do for my birthday, not because I didn't know what I wanted but because I was at risk for making someone else unhappy if I didn't spend time with them. This, after they had given me permission, very clearly, to choose what made me happy. Something to think pretty hard about. Journal about. Talk to my therapist about.
ReplyDeleteI posted this on Twitter today: https://opmed.doximity.com/articles/we-dont-need-self-care-we-need-boundaries-79042584b318
DeleteIt's directed at female physicians but makes some really important points re. our misunderstanding of self-care. It isn't manicures and spa baths, it's boundaries. It's about making choices based on what is best for us EVEN IF IT DISAPPOINTS PEOPLE. I struggle with that all the time. So much easier for ME to feel disappointed than for me to deal with OTHERS' disappointment. But that's not healthy. I'm not modelling true self-care for my children. I'm modelling being a martyr.
It isn't about NOT spending time with others on your birthday, but that should be secondary to what you really want to do. I hope you do it. Let us know! And...happy birthday SS1.
Elle, That is a great article. I find all of that true and easy to relate to. I find for myself I take time out for self care or to do things I want but I end up paying the price. I guess in the most simple way I feel taken advantage of by those in my life. I work hard to set boundaries and expectations but time and time again I do not feel they are honored. This is not for huge things but they compound. I then find myself saying no and not doing things for me. It feels like I am punished for it. The flip side is my husband says he has no expectations when he returns from a work or personal trip for example. This is at the core of so many issues and discussions for us. Recently I went on a trip and came home to a house that was messy, piles everywhere, no food at all (nothing for my kids to make for lunch or breakfast), among many other items. These are not earth shattering things of course but these are the things for me the compound every day. I find this has been a constant tug/battle during our marriage. I find it is steeped in my husband's parents and how they modeled marriage in addition to society. I am fully aware and do not expect him to do things "my way" and I am not OCD at all. One of my kids is very intuitive and always notices what needs to be done the others just avoid and make excuses or tell me I need to provide a to do list. I am going to print out this article and use it as a discussion point. I have done this in the past but typically was met with defensive reasons.
DeleteHopeful30, you know what? When I read your response to Elle's post the first thing that came to my mind was "what if one of your husband's therapy clients came to talk to him about this? How would he respond to her? Would he see it as a problem that the husband did not anticipate the basic needs of his own children? Did he not think he needed to make sure they could make lunch? Did he think they should drive themselves to the store to buy food?" So many questions I might have for that man if he were my husband. We actually lived through this when our three kids were little and I was in graduate school. I was gone from Sunday to Tuesday and he had to do it all during my absence. At first he took them out to eat a lot and then they rebelled. Then he asked me why the kids didn't have enough underwear? (ummm, if you did laundry that wouldn't happen). He also wanted to know how I made it out the door on time? (Umm, well I don't get to dawdle and read the paper in the morning. I don't get to shower, eat and leave the kids and wife behind. Ya, he learned a lot during those two long years.)
DeleteWell I think taking action and doing things in your own life is so different than therapy or helping someone else. I guess good for everyone else he is really good at helping others and seeing all sides of situations.
DeleteThis dynamic has evolved through the years. For years well during the affair years this was a big topic of discussion that led to criticizing me and I am sure feeding into his justifying the affairs. I am so glad these moms spent time with him instead of with their own families, kids, or at their jobs. As I said I am not super picky but I do make an effort to set an example and provide well balanced food for our kids. And honestly if let up to my kids it would be almost all crappy processed food. If I buy it and in some cases prep it then they are more likely to grab something healthy. I know he thinks I do too much for them. When they are busy I do more and I do try to ensure good choices while they are at home. When they are home and not overly busy then they have more responsibilities. We have gone around and around about this and basically he says he has his way and when he takes care of them they are fine. My flip side of this is they are fine but I walk into disarray. It is somewhat typical if he does one thing like the dishes or takes out the trash it is a big deal. At the root of this is what I continue to say I want to live with people that take initiative. I hate being asked to make a list. He has been around enough and is capable he can look around and make an effort. When he uses the last two pieces of bread he should figure out I need to go to the store to buy some more over the course of four days. I am not asking for things to be cleaned and spotless at all. I see this as a connection though to his selfish personality. He has improved since dday. I feel like it is easy for him to slip back into this way of existence.
And yes so true about leaving and getting everyone out the door. I remember he was so insulted when I said I did wish to have one day a week where I only worried about myself and I could eat, shower, go to the bathroom, sleep as late as I wanted or go to bed when I wanted. The reply I get is that he would trade places with me in a heartbeat since I am so close with our kids because of all I have done. All that does is deflect from his behavior.