It's amazing what good things can come out of that dark box once you let it. I've been reading a lot about limerence lately. I also watched the marriage helper on youtube talk about. I think a great many of the ladies on here could relate to it. Same with the book that you talked about on Twitter.
Yep. Can be a tough thing to hear when you're still raw from a freshly inflicted wound. But I too can see that the box of darkness delivered many gifts.
It has been 3 years since D day and I have licked the floors of hell. I thought I would never get up. But guess what ever so slightly I have had good days. And every now and then I laugh like crazy. The pain is like far away and I don’t need it anymore. There is hope at the end of the hell tunnel. The pain I see in my husband breaks my heart. I can’t imagine being him! God has given me so much during this horrible time and I am so much better because of it. I have learned compassion, forgiveness, and not to judge people and I always had a problem with perfectionism and now I see how crazy that is. I know thst this to shall pass. There will be good and there will be bad and I can withstand both! Thank you Elle for being the first badass to help us through all this!!!!
Wow, Anonymous. Perfectionism was probably the first thing I tossed too. What a waste of time and energy! And yes, I too was able to see that as much as it sucked to be me, it was still preferable to being him. I'm so glad to hear that the light is beginning to get in via the cracks. Embrace it. There's more to come. Doesn't mean you won't still have bad days or that pain won't sometimes blindside you. But it means that you'll have armed yourself with what you need to get past it.
Wow this post really hit a cord with me!! As much as I hate being me at the moment it’s definately preferable than being him! I see the changes in him and the constant guilt and remorse in him... Actually I need to stop feeling sorry for myself!!!! Thanks for that!!
Well. I do recognize I have made progress with my big box of darkness but understanding it's a gift still seems impossible. I discovered (the first) betrayal in December 2017. Now, I view those first few months as the Pretend Recovery. I am slow. In September I finally realized that for me to think that someone who thought so little of me to DO what he did was suddenly going to step up and think enough of me to help heal was fucking insane. On MY part. So, I finally realized that my recovery is all on me and I have been working hard! Last week, I asked my husband about his intentions with officially beginning the official therapeutic process of disclosure. So, we have had The Conversation that confirmed that his answer is NO. He is NOT seeking recovery. I am really thankful for the work I’ve done on Me. I even stayed in DETACHMENT when he used his soft-spoken voice that I have always loved to tell me that it was never enough for me. That he thought if I really loved him then I would be really happy when he was at a hockey game (season ticket holder) because I knew it was something that he loved and brought him joy. I didn’t even flinch when he complained about how much money we had spent with therapists. Or show any emotion when he was talking about how long “recovery” took and said, “Why can’t it just take two weeks?” I also heard from my therapist that in an uncharacteristic move his therapist reached out to him and was also told “No.”
Part 2 Yesterday, I had a really strong visceral reaction to something quite minor and routine--him announcing he was going "out" to watch football. I can't type out loud what I thought, even here, but let me just say that it shocked me that I could jump to that. As the day wore on, I began to recognize it as my intuition. Hell, it could just be PTSD. I couldn't resist looking up his google activity and there were three "odd" clicks on things like "HookUps in an Hour". But, my stronger point in all this…and I can’t believe I am saying this….but it’s not even whether or not he did or did not click on something vulgar or whether or not he did go get a hand job from a whore. It’s that THIS is where we are because of HIS behavior. And this is where we are because of HIS lack of recovery. Even if he has done nothing “wrong” I still question and worry and see stuff and assume the worst and it’s because my past experience with him and because he is unwilling to TRY to get better. And he doesn’t care at all that his CONTINUED behavior is hurting me, him, us, AND our family. (He's in complete denial about our kids being impacted by any of his stuff. In detachment, I can really hear clearly what an eleven year old girl says about her father.) I don't know where to go from here. Someone told me a while back that an addict won't seek recovery until rock bottom and I scoffed and wondered what the heck this was if it wasn't The Bottom? But, now I understand. My bottom wasn't even finding out all the lies and betrayals. My bottom happened in September when he faked concern to ask me "what's wrong" after I had been crying most of the day. By then, I no longer shared any of my pain with him as it was clear he didn't want it. Before I could squeak out a "nothing-I am okay" he said, "Is it the same old same old?" And just like that. The only tiny dust particles of my spirit that had remained blew away. I practically saw it happen. That was my bottom. And that's when I realized it was all on me. And that was where my recovery really began. I know I am not supposed to focus on his recovery,,,I am supposed to let him be him and not try to change him,,,etc etc. I can't "make" him seek recovery. But, if rock bottom is the only way he will begin, then.....what? Hiking on a very very steep cliff? In detachment and with love and the greatest HOPE, I'd be happy to shove him off! And in case it isn't pretty obvious, I am scared and lonely and could really use some company from my club. Thanks for reading and any advice you can muster!
Just Me, I too thought nothing could be as bad as dday. We both decided to make the commitment to work at our marriage and ourselves. For five months we worked at it. But in my gut (which I still was not trusting since after 10 years of two affairs) I knew something did not add up. I was relentless and acted crazy and hysterical at times. It was so hard. I was trying to move forward but like I said things were not adding up. At five months past dday he opened up to me and basically told me he had told me the truth but minimized everything. So not 100% lying but enough. And this hit me so much harder than dday. There were no new women no big revelations but just lying about how long the affairs lasted etc... I hated him more than ever. I felt like everything he had said to me in those five months were lies. I ended up getting really sick at this point. All I did was take care of myself. It was at that point I went to a therapist. I totally agree they have to want to work on their recovery. I followed Elle's advice to set boundaries and expectations. My therapist was very helpful.
Your story sounds so familiar. Our boundaries were every little detail of every day. He called me to work, during lunch, on the way home from work, if he wanted to do anything even with family he had to ask in person, no texting requests, he had to tell me where, when, with whom. If anything changed at all he had to call again no texting. Before he went out he would tell me what his plan was. How much he planned to drink and when he wanted to come home. There were tons of others that focused around family, home and us. Looking back these boundaries were like a reset. My husband gradually lived his life in a more selfish way and he told me once he walked out the door he did not think about us once. Hard to hear but I was glad he was honest.
Not sure if or what boundaries you have set. I used to feel like I was being his mother or keeping track of him. But I think it was Elle that said it is laying out what you need to feel safe. And after what my husband said there were a lot of boundaries. He found over time he actually enjoyed them. It brought us closer together. This was all after no contact and all of those ground rules had been established.
Just Me, I am so sorry. You are among friends here. We see you. We know your pain. And, boy, do we know how lonely and isolated you feel. It sounds as though you're still with your husband and I'm wondering what he has done, specifically, to deserve your continued presence in his life. I'm all for reconciliation IF the partner is remorseful, willing to be fully accountable for his infidelity, and willing to do the incredibly hard (and long!) work of examining why he did what he did and how to rebuild his marriage. If he won't do that -- and it sounds as though he won't -- then it doesn't matter how much work YOU do, your marriage is dead-on-arrival. YOU, of course, can heal yourself and move forward from this. And I would urge you to continue to do that. To focus on you, on what you need to move forward. Make clear demands to him. No negotiation. He's either in or he's out. He either commits to counselling or he packs his bags. He's looking for a pass for his behaviour. He wants this all swept conveniently under the rug because, gosh darn, it's hard work dealing with someone traumatized by his betrayal. He's getting NO sympathy from me. You're right in that you can't change him. But you can start to set out clear boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate in this relationship. This isn't about being punitive. It's about you creating a sense of emotional safety. And he seems clueless about how to help you with that. I hope you will find a therapist who can help YOU alone right now. If he wants to join you in couples counselling, then that's great. But that doesn't replace you seeking support and guidance to help you learn how to set clear boundaries (you can also read plenty on this site about boundaries). Sweetie, you deserve compassion and respect and kindness. You're getting gaslighting and dismissal and a lack of compassion. Show him how to treat you by treating yourself with respect.
Your H sounds like he is a cake eater. These women are not important to him. They are a simple and effective way to get something a lot of men want, more sex or sex with different people and not lose the other things that they want, a wife who they love/loves them, kids, stability. Don't lose your stability. He is selfish with no moral boundaries.
Look at his actions and decide for yourself, is it real? And think about the life of an OW for a minute; "Oh I love you like air sweetie.. Please give me a BJ... Oh wait, stop for a second, my wife is calling. Oh yeah sugar plum, your my everything.. Shoot, I need to be home, can you finish this up quick so I can get rolling!!". That's the "real life" of an OW in many affairs. Looks a lot more like "unpaid prostitute" than it does a loving relationship. So, if he's treating you like that, NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS, no, it's probably not love. Did your H's OW get the version of him you wanted?
Would you call how he treated you love? At the most I claim cake eaters have object love. It is about getting filled like a goldfish. Nothing and no one is enough to fill the void he has. You can't be enough. She can't be enough (not to mention she is of lesser value). The two of you combined wouldn't be enough. Is it right and fair? Hell no. To be valued for what you give. It is the truth though. Cheaters are takers. The are escape artists. He turns to people that allow him to be shit and don't hold him accountable because he wants an easy way out of hard work. He wants to act like teenagers again and escape real life because simply put he is selfish and that lack real meaningful self respect and self love. He has low self confidence and low self esteem and is willing to hurt people to get it fed. It is intentional on some level. You are simply put collateral damage and yes that is fucked up. So think only about yourself. You are worth boundaries that let in the good not the bad. If he can't abide by simple boundaries then how is going to work hard to have a good marriage. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It hurts like the worst knock out punch in the face. My H was a cake eater. It's your turn now. He threw his away.
Just me I’m so sorry you are feeling so rock bottom! I’m sure we’ve all been there at one time. I understand the the pain and loneliness of betrayal. I’m not good at giving real advice but I’m glad you are able to get therapy. I’m sorry you have the h that can’t or won’t understand the pain you are going through. Sending you hugs and as I tell myself in a pinch of a trigger, ‘this too shall pass’. Working on myself is the best gift I can give me!
Just Me, you've gotten some good insights form Elle and Hopeful 30. I can't say it any better. I just wanted to add that I'm here and I was completely outraged reading your story. Your h sounds like he is in complete denial about the harm he's done, evidenced by the idea that you could "get over it" in two weeks. It's just selfish and clueless and so not about your well being. It's baffling to me, as I wrestle with some of my own stuff right now. What happens to these men? How do they become such giant assholes? How do they keep giving themselves a pass to treat someone the love with such disregard? So you, Just Me, have got the right idea about focusing on you. The only thing in this you can control. What do you need to feel safe. As one of the BWC sisterhood says "My heartbreak, my rules." What are your rules going to be in order for him to continue in your life? He's not acting like someone who deserves you right now. Just know we are all here with you, standing all around you. I know early on and for a long time, I could hardly wait for the posts to come through, so I could take a deep breath and feel seen and heard and like I wasn't crazy to be feeling like I was feeling. Please, also find people "in real life" to support you too.
Just Me, you have received the gift of experience from these lovely woman. You can do this. Be strong and stand up for yourself. You need to see an attorney, find a therapist and see the worth in yourself. He is an idiot.
Yes, he is giving me a FULL box of darkness now. I am working on myself. It's hard and difficult especially during the night time. Women tend to think a lot even though we've been hurt by our H. I just don't understand how a person can changed so drastically overnight. He just turned out to be someone that i barely knew. So cruel, so heartless...and treat me like a total stranger...
Lost_AA, I used to dread the nights. On the one hand, I was exhausted. On the other, that's when the black dogs circled and bared their teeth. You are discovering that you're braver than you thought. You will get through this. I would encourage you to stop trying so hard to understand this. It's a natural impulse, of course. We want to know what we missed, where we went wrong. But it sounds as though your husband was a master con. I'm not so sure he changed so dramatically as he just got messier. Cruel and heartless, yes. Treat yourself now the way he should have treated you all along -- with respect and kindness and compassion.
Elle, Yes, we always wanted to know what we missed/went wrong..this is how we grow isn't it? I've no idea if he is a master con but this is not the guy i used to love. Is it normal for them to act cruel/heartless? Just wondering...
I'm still learning to be good to myself. I've to divert all the energy i used to treated him back to myself.
It's "normal" for some of them to act cruel/heartless but that's not the same as saying it's okay for them to behave like that. Sometimes they rewrite history in order to justify their cheating. They cast us as the villain so, of course they cheated. Who wouldn't cheat if their wife was horrible, goes the thinking. But it's untrue and unfair. And you absolutely shouldn't tolerate it. I'm glad you're learning to be good to yourself. You deserve self-respect and honesty and kindness and compassion, and it starts by giving that to ourselves.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. It means more than I can say. I am sooooo grateful (and even proud) of the work I've done since September--for one big thing having the courage to share MY story in MY way. Everyone else in the universe tells me the same truth which lines up more with mine. He is the only person who has such a distorted view. I can't imagine how much harder this would be without the help of people speaking truth to me. It's easy to fall for his manipulations. He prepared me for years to work up to the ultimate betrayals. For today, let me speak another truth. I remember the first few months after D-Day wondering "when" my ANGER would come or if it would ever present itself. The hurt and the pain were so overwhelming. I'm still not sure of the answer. But, I DO know this: If I ever unleashed it on my husband, between the amount of sheer rage I have and well.....my unique gifting in the usage of words....we would no longer need concern ourselves with him seeking his own recovery. Because he would not survive it. I keep getting these visions of myself--I become a dragon and I am absolutely fucking incinerating him. The most noteworthy part is that the dragon gets bigger and bigger as the flames come out. Thank you for being here for me!
Just Me, Release that dragon on the page. Write out everything you'd love to say to him. Every. Single Word. Just write and write until that rage is spent. Draw horrible pictures. Use your blackest Sharpie. And then, tuck your dragon and its work into a drawer. Pull it out now and again if you're so inclined. Burn it if you want. But let it out. It deserves to have a voice even if you're the only one that hears it.
I am a workaholic, as much as I try to keep track of what is going on in my home with the kids and much more when they are at school or off on vacation, I couldn't have done with without the help of nothing short of a great friend, I am happy to share my experience with my own special Houdini that always delivers. I was able to get in touch with their organization through a blog called onlinelegitutility . They have great stuff on there and you can findout if your spouse is cheating. You can check out rootgatehacks on google.
It's amazing what good things can come out of that dark box once you let it. I've been reading a lot about limerence lately. I also watched the marriage helper on youtube talk about. I think a great many of the ladies on here could relate to it. Same with the book that you talked about on Twitter.
ReplyDeleteYep. Can be a tough thing to hear when you're still raw from a freshly inflicted wound. But I too can see that the box of darkness delivered many gifts.
DeleteFarewell to a wonderful poet.
ReplyDeleteAmen. She's incredible. I'm grateful to have lived during her time.
DeleteIt has been 3 years since D day and I have licked the floors of hell. I thought I would never get up. But guess what ever so slightly I have had good days. And every now and then I laugh like crazy. The pain is like far away and I don’t need it anymore. There is hope at the end of the hell tunnel. The pain I see in my husband breaks my heart. I can’t imagine being him! God has given me so much during this horrible time and I am so much better because of it. I have learned compassion, forgiveness, and not to judge people and I always had a problem with perfectionism and now I see how crazy that is. I know thst this to shall pass. There will be good and there will be bad and I can withstand both! Thank you Elle for being the first badass to help us through all this!!!!
ReplyDeleteWow, Anonymous. Perfectionism was probably the first thing I tossed too. What a waste of time and energy!
DeleteAnd yes, I too was able to see that as much as it sucked to be me, it was still preferable to being him.
I'm so glad to hear that the light is beginning to get in via the cracks. Embrace it. There's more to come. Doesn't mean you won't still have bad days or that pain won't sometimes blindside you. But it means that you'll have armed yourself with what you need to get past it.
Wow this post really hit a cord with me!! As much as I hate being me at the moment it’s definately preferable than being him! I see the changes in him and the constant guilt and remorse in him...
DeleteActually I need to stop feeling sorry for myself!!!! Thanks for that!!
Part 1
ReplyDeleteWell. I do recognize I have made progress with my big box of darkness but understanding it's a gift still seems impossible. I discovered (the first) betrayal in December 2017. Now, I view those first few months as the Pretend Recovery. I am slow. In September I finally realized that for me to think that someone who thought so little of me to DO what he did was suddenly going to step up and think enough of me to help heal was fucking insane. On MY part. So, I finally realized that my recovery is all on me and I have been working hard! Last week, I asked my husband about his intentions with officially beginning the official therapeutic process of disclosure. So, we have had The Conversation that confirmed that his answer is NO. He is NOT seeking recovery. I am really thankful for the work I’ve done on Me. I even stayed in DETACHMENT when he used his soft-spoken voice that I have always loved to tell me that it was never enough for me. That he thought if I really loved him then I would be really happy when he was at a hockey game (season ticket holder) because I knew it was something that he loved and brought him joy. I didn’t even flinch when he complained about how much money we had spent with therapists. Or show any emotion when he was talking about how long “recovery” took and said, “Why can’t it just take two weeks?” I also heard from my therapist that in an uncharacteristic move his therapist reached out to him and was also told “No.”
Part 2
ReplyDeleteYesterday, I had a really strong visceral reaction to something quite minor and routine--him announcing he was going "out" to watch football. I can't type out loud what I thought, even here, but let me just say that it shocked me that I could jump to that. As the day wore on, I began to recognize it as my intuition. Hell, it could just be PTSD. I couldn't resist looking up his google activity and there were three "odd" clicks on things like "HookUps in an Hour". But, my stronger point in all this…and I can’t believe I am saying this….but it’s not even whether or not he did or did not click on something vulgar or whether or not he did go get a hand job from a whore. It’s that THIS is where we are because of HIS behavior. And this is where we are because of HIS lack of recovery. Even if he has done nothing “wrong” I still question and worry and see stuff and assume the worst and it’s because my past experience with him and because he is unwilling to TRY to get better. And he doesn’t care at all that his CONTINUED behavior is hurting me, him, us, AND our family. (He's in complete denial about our kids being impacted by any of his stuff. In detachment, I can really hear clearly what an eleven year old girl says about her father.) I don't know where to go from here. Someone told me a while back that an addict won't seek recovery until rock bottom and I scoffed and wondered what the heck this was if it wasn't The Bottom? But, now I understand. My bottom wasn't even finding out all the lies and betrayals. My bottom happened in September when he faked concern to ask me "what's wrong" after I had been crying most of the day. By then, I no longer shared any of my pain with him as it was clear he didn't want it. Before I could squeak out a "nothing-I am okay" he said, "Is it the same old same old?" And just like that. The only tiny dust particles of my spirit that had remained blew away. I practically saw it happen. That was my bottom. And that's when I realized it was all on me. And that was where my recovery really began. I know I am not supposed to focus on his recovery,,,I am supposed to let him be him and not try to change him,,,etc etc. I can't "make" him seek recovery. But, if rock bottom is the only way he will begin, then.....what? Hiking on a very very steep cliff? In detachment and with love and the greatest HOPE, I'd be happy to shove him off! And in case it isn't pretty obvious, I am scared and lonely and could really use some company from my club. Thanks for reading and any advice you can muster!
Just Me, I too thought nothing could be as bad as dday. We both decided to make the commitment to work at our marriage and ourselves. For five months we worked at it. But in my gut (which I still was not trusting since after 10 years of two affairs) I knew something did not add up. I was relentless and acted crazy and hysterical at times. It was so hard. I was trying to move forward but like I said things were not adding up. At five months past dday he opened up to me and basically told me he had told me the truth but minimized everything. So not 100% lying but enough. And this hit me so much harder than dday. There were no new women no big revelations but just lying about how long the affairs lasted etc... I hated him more than ever. I felt like everything he had said to me in those five months were lies. I ended up getting really sick at this point. All I did was take care of myself. It was at that point I went to a therapist. I totally agree they have to want to work on their recovery. I followed Elle's advice to set boundaries and expectations. My therapist was very helpful.
DeleteYour story sounds so familiar. Our boundaries were every little detail of every day. He called me to work, during lunch, on the way home from work, if he wanted to do anything even with family he had to ask in person, no texting requests, he had to tell me where, when, with whom. If anything changed at all he had to call again no texting. Before he went out he would tell me what his plan was. How much he planned to drink and when he wanted to come home. There were tons of others that focused around family, home and us. Looking back these boundaries were like a reset. My husband gradually lived his life in a more selfish way and he told me once he walked out the door he did not think about us once. Hard to hear but I was glad he was honest.
Not sure if or what boundaries you have set. I used to feel like I was being his mother or keeping track of him. But I think it was Elle that said it is laying out what you need to feel safe. And after what my husband said there were a lot of boundaries. He found over time he actually enjoyed them. It brought us closer together. This was all after no contact and all of those ground rules had been established.
Just Me,
DeleteI am so sorry. You are among friends here. We see you. We know your pain. And, boy, do we know how lonely and isolated you feel.
It sounds as though you're still with your husband and I'm wondering what he has done, specifically, to deserve your continued presence in his life. I'm all for reconciliation IF the partner is remorseful, willing to be fully accountable for his infidelity, and willing to do the incredibly hard (and long!) work of examining why he did what he did and how to rebuild his marriage. If he won't do that -- and it sounds as though he won't -- then it doesn't matter how much work YOU do, your marriage is dead-on-arrival.
YOU, of course, can heal yourself and move forward from this. And I would urge you to continue to do that. To focus on you, on what you need to move forward. Make clear demands to him. No negotiation. He's either in or he's out. He either commits to counselling or he packs his bags. He's looking for a pass for his behaviour. He wants this all swept conveniently under the rug because, gosh darn, it's hard work dealing with someone traumatized by his betrayal.
He's getting NO sympathy from me.
You're right in that you can't change him. But you can start to set out clear boundaries around what you will and will not tolerate in this relationship. This isn't about being punitive. It's about you creating a sense of emotional safety. And he seems clueless about how to help you with that.
I hope you will find a therapist who can help YOU alone right now. If he wants to join you in couples counselling, then that's great. But that doesn't replace you seeking support and guidance to help you learn how to set clear boundaries (you can also read plenty on this site about boundaries).
Sweetie, you deserve compassion and respect and kindness. You're getting gaslighting and dismissal and a lack of compassion. Show him how to treat you by treating yourself with respect.
Your H sounds like he is a cake eater. These women are not important to him. They are a simple and effective way to get something a lot of men want, more sex or sex with different people and not lose the other things that they want, a wife who they love/loves them, kids, stability. Don't lose your stability. He is selfish with no moral boundaries.
DeleteLook at his actions and decide for yourself, is it real? And think about the life of an OW for a minute; "Oh I love you like air sweetie.. Please give me a BJ... Oh wait, stop for a second, my wife is calling. Oh yeah sugar plum, your my everything.. Shoot, I need to be home, can you finish this up quick so I can get rolling!!". That's the "real life" of an OW in many affairs. Looks a lot more like "unpaid prostitute" than it does a loving relationship. So, if he's treating you like that, NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS, no, it's probably not love. Did your H's OW get the version of him you wanted?
Would you call how he treated you love? At the most I claim cake eaters have object love. It is about getting filled like a goldfish. Nothing and no one is enough to fill the void he has. You can't be enough. She can't be enough (not to mention she is of lesser value). The two of you combined wouldn't be enough. Is it right and fair? Hell no. To be valued for what you give. It is the truth though. Cheaters are takers. The are escape artists. He turns to people that allow him to be shit and don't hold him accountable because he wants an easy way out of hard work. He wants to act like teenagers again and escape real life because simply put he is selfish and that lack real meaningful self respect and self love. He has low self confidence and low self esteem and is willing to hurt people to get it fed. It is intentional on some level. You are simply put collateral damage and yes that is fucked up. So think only about yourself. You are worth boundaries that let in the good not the bad. If he can't abide by simple boundaries then how is going to work hard to have a good marriage. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It hurts like the worst knock out punch in the face. My H was a cake eater. It's your turn now. He threw his away.
Just me
ReplyDeleteI’m so sorry you are feeling so rock bottom! I’m sure we’ve all been there at one time. I understand the the pain and loneliness of betrayal. I’m not good at giving real advice but I’m glad you are able to get therapy. I’m sorry you have the h that can’t or won’t understand the pain you are going through. Sending you hugs and as I tell myself in a pinch of a trigger, ‘this too shall pass’. Working on myself is the best gift I can give me!
Just Me, you've gotten some good insights form Elle and Hopeful 30. I can't say it any better. I just wanted to add that I'm here and I was completely outraged reading your story. Your h sounds like he is in complete denial about the harm he's done, evidenced by the idea that you could "get over it" in two weeks. It's just selfish and clueless and so not about your well being. It's baffling to me, as I wrestle with some of my own stuff right now. What happens to these men? How do they become such giant assholes? How do they keep giving themselves a pass to treat someone the love with such disregard?
ReplyDeleteSo you, Just Me, have got the right idea about focusing on you. The only thing in this you can control. What do you need to feel safe. As one of the BWC sisterhood says "My heartbreak, my rules." What are your rules going to be in order for him to continue in your life? He's not acting like someone who deserves you right now.
Just know we are all here with you, standing all around you. I know early on and for a long time, I could hardly wait for the posts to come through, so I could take a deep breath and feel seen and heard and like I wasn't crazy to be feeling like I was feeling. Please, also find people "in real life" to support you too.
Just Me, you have received the gift of experience from these lovely woman. You can do this. Be strong and stand up for yourself. You need to see an attorney, find a therapist and see the worth in yourself. He is an idiot.
ReplyDeleteYes, he is giving me a FULL box of darkness now. I am working on myself. It's hard and difficult especially during the night time. Women tend to think a lot even though we've been hurt by our H.
ReplyDeleteI just don't understand how a person can changed so drastically overnight. He just turned out to be someone that i barely knew. So cruel, so heartless...and treat me like a total stranger...
Lost_AA
Lost_AA,
DeleteI used to dread the nights. On the one hand, I was exhausted. On the other, that's when the black dogs circled and bared their teeth.
You are discovering that you're braver than you thought. You will get through this. I would encourage you to stop trying so hard to understand this. It's a natural impulse, of course. We want to know what we missed, where we went wrong. But it sounds as though your husband was a master con. I'm not so sure he changed so dramatically as he just got messier. Cruel and heartless, yes.
Treat yourself now the way he should have treated you all along -- with respect and kindness and compassion.
Elle,
DeleteYes, we always wanted to know what we missed/went wrong..this is how we grow isn't it? I've no idea if he is a master con but this is not the guy i used to love.
Is it normal for them to act cruel/heartless? Just wondering...
I'm still learning to be good to myself. I've to divert all the energy i used to treated him back to myself.
Lost_AA
It's "normal" for some of them to act cruel/heartless but that's not the same as saying it's okay for them to behave like that. Sometimes they rewrite history in order to justify their cheating. They cast us as the villain so, of course they cheated. Who wouldn't cheat if their wife was horrible, goes the thinking.
DeleteBut it's untrue and unfair. And you absolutely shouldn't tolerate it.
I'm glad you're learning to be good to yourself. You deserve self-respect and honesty and kindness and compassion, and it starts by giving that to ourselves.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. It means more than I can say. I am sooooo grateful (and even proud) of the work I've done since September--for one big thing having the courage to share MY story in MY way. Everyone else in the universe tells me the same truth which lines up more with mine. He is the only person who has such a distorted view. I can't imagine how much harder this would be without the help of people speaking truth to me. It's easy to fall for his manipulations. He prepared me for years to work up to the ultimate betrayals. For today, let me speak another truth. I remember the first few months after D-Day wondering "when" my ANGER would come or if it would ever present itself. The hurt and the pain were so overwhelming. I'm still not sure of the answer. But, I DO know this: If I ever unleashed it on my husband, between the amount of sheer rage I have and well.....my unique gifting in the usage of words....we would no longer need concern ourselves with him seeking his own recovery. Because he would not survive it. I keep getting these visions of myself--I become a dragon and I am absolutely fucking incinerating him. The most noteworthy part is that the dragon gets bigger and bigger as the flames come out. Thank you for being here for me!
ReplyDeleteJust Me, Release that dragon on the page. Write out everything you'd love to say to him. Every. Single Word. Just write and write until that rage is spent. Draw horrible pictures. Use your blackest Sharpie.
DeleteAnd then, tuck your dragon and its work into a drawer. Pull it out now and again if you're so inclined. Burn it if you want. But let it out. It deserves to have a voice even if you're the only one that hears it.
I am a workaholic, as much as I try to keep track of what is going on in my home with the kids and much more when they are at school or off on vacation, I couldn't have done with without the help of nothing short of a great friend, I am happy to share my experience with my own special Houdini that always delivers. I was able to get in touch with their organization through a blog called onlinelegitutility . They have great stuff on there and you can findout if your spouse is cheating. You can check out rootgatehacks on google.
ReplyDelete