I interrupted a conversation between my two elder children on the weekend. And by "conversation", I mean bitch session. The person they were bitching about was me. And so, before they realized I was there, I was privy to some of their current complaints about me. Most of it was garden-variety teen stuff, annoyed because they were expected to undertake such Herculean feats as put their dishes in the dishwasher, their dirty clothes in the laundry, their coats to their cubbies.
But then my daughter said something that ignited my fury. "She's so passive," she said to her brother.
Forgetting for the moment that my alleged passivity seemed in direct contradiction to their complaints about how demanding I was, there some something about that particular word that haunted me for the remainder of the weekend.
I simmered.
I boiled.
But I knew what she was referring to. She had told me a couple of days earlier that she thinks I let my son – her brother – off the hook too easily. She thinks she follows our rules to the letter while he doesn't. And that there are no consequences for his transgressions.
But what really kept me at a barely suppressed rage all weekend?
I wondered if she was right.
Do I hide my distaste for conflict behind being a chill mom? Do I avoid doling out consequences because I prefer peace?
Gulp.
Yes, sometimes I do. And not just for her brother but for her too. For her younger sister. For my husband. For, well, pretty much everybody.
I've talked on this site about my visceral response to others' anger, the knot that quickly forms in my stomach at the first sign of conflict.
Passive?
Ugh.
I prefer easy-going. Flexible. Reasonable.
We breed our worst critics, a friend said to me recently. Yep. Sometimes our most accurate ones.
"Passive" stings. But it's a reminder that my daughter is watching as my boundaries, which should be inviolable, become open to negotiation. She's watching as I let it slide that my son returned my car without refuelling. Or that I mutter under my breath as I put away the sandwich maker – the one she was using – rather than call her back to the kitchen.
It gets exhausting, doesn't it? This constant citing of transgressions. This policing of others' disregard.
And yet...
If I don't take the time and energy to remind people that I deserve courtesy and consideration, too, that my rules are not, actually, open to negotiation, then I can hardly complain when my boundaries are violated, right? If I'm not going to insist on them, well, then, they mustn't matter too much.
Except that they do.
And when I mutter under my breath rather than point out that the gas tank wasn't filled or the sandwich maker put away, that frustration gets stashed. And, eventually, like this morning, I blow.
Boy, did I blow.
I told my son that if he brings the car home again without refuelling, he will not have access to it for a week. I told my daughter that if she leaves kitchen appliances on the counter again, she will have to do all the dishes for a week. My son also lost his phone for 48 hours for refusing to keep his music off when he showered and others were going to sleep.
It will probably be a constant struggle for me to pay attention to when I'm being treated like I don't matter. My passivity, which I dress up as flexibility or easygoingness, will no doubt surface again.
Passive? This tiger has been awakened.
For today, at least.
"she thinks I let my son – her brother – off the hook too easily. She thinks she follows our rules to the letter while he doesn't. And that there are no consequences for his transgressions. " said every older sister ever. This could have come, verbatim, out of my daughter's mouth. Thing is, I'm sometimes passive, non confrontational too. I know its a function of growing up in a household built around enabling an alcoholic. So. I'm working on it.
ReplyDeleteIts mostly just me and my son in the house. So. I ask him to bring his dirty dishes in to the kitchen and empty the dishwasher. If it doesn't happen, I let shit pile up and I ask again. Eventually, he'll say "mom there are no clean glasses" or whatever utensil he needs. I'm like "yup, sure aren't." Then I remind him that he needs to empty the washer and walk away. I'm tired of having to fight for every little ounce of help in the house, some times. I don't know if it is right or wrong, but it feels ok to me. You have to have a high tolerance for filth with my method tho.
But I do try to look at other areas in my life where I am likely to be tolerating people taking me for granted or ignoring my boundaries, or me not enforcing them. I'm actually lucky enough to have a number of people in my life who are giving me space to realize that me having needs is OK. Even if that need is to not do something or to say no even though it may disappoint them. It's hard, but I've been doing it and working through the ensuing guilt, which was programmed into me early.
Yep, that's pretty much what I do. Natural consequences. But in the meantime, my daughter's head is exploding, which, as I've pointed out, is HER problem, not mine.
DeletePerhaps you and I should get a house together, SS1! We can visit our families or host them in our pristine home. ;)
I could have written this exact post! All so true. It is revealing when you see these boundaries are not just in our marriage but with our kids, friends, coworkers etc. And I need to step it up and follow through with my kids since they are learning by example as we go.
ReplyDeleteThat was a huge eye-opener for me. That once I learned healthy boundaries, I could apply them to ALL my relationships, including really vexing ones like my mother-in-law, etc.
DeleteThe only thing I can think of about those teen years is how on earth did I survive. Both my children are adults and my daughter grew up fast as she became a mother of two sons while finishing college. I would say that’s when our relationship change occurred and we became friends again...son took his time finishing college the first time and this past year decided to return to college to become a teacher...our relationship has always been friendly and he has always come to me for advice on relationships, go figure... it took a lot of hard work but I feel like I taught them both what respect is and they seem to be able to make better choices for themselves. My h has also had to learn respect or rather the lack of respect he had for me/us during his affair...seems like a fuzzy dream some of those early boundaries discussions. However, I can definitely feel a difference in then and now..,
ReplyDeleteBut you're saying...I will survive?
DeleteYes! They all grow up and leave the nest eventually! I spent lunch today telling my niece that she too would survive the teenage struggle! One day at a time! Deep breath and one foot in front of the other!
DeleteWell I have to day that this post makes me mad. Mad because again, this is a no-win situation and just another way to lay out blame on the woman (wife/mother, whatever), because if you let things go, you're a doormat and if you constantly enforce your boundaries, you are a bitch. Am I the only one who sees it this way? This is my first post here, but this topic really struck a cord with me. I am a year out on the latest (and last) time h left for 'the perfect woman' which apparently I am not, and I'm done. I'm not a doormat although I thought I did a good impression of one in order to try to make h happy, but now I'm being portrayed as the negative, complaining bitch so that's likely why this topic caused me to post. I'm wondering if anyone else feels this way after reading this post. I understand what Elle is saying - I get it, but for me it feels like a no-win situation. If you enforce boundaries constantly because everyone tramples all over them, then you become the complainer. Either keep quiet and let people trample your boundaries, or be a constant complainer and a bitch for pointing out that they in fact ARE NOT honoring boundaries and pulling their weight and/or respecting you. With some people, you can't win.
ReplyDelete- so over it
Anon- so over it. I feel you. You've hit upon the eternal feminist/women/being female conundrum. No matter what you do, there will be someone who will tell you you are doing it wrong, that there is some idea of a perfect woman out there but we are somehow never quite it.
Delete(warning: lots of swearing is about to happen, but I hope you'll enjoy it).
The thing about boundaries though, is they work best when you are mindful of your fuckbudget. What is a fuckbudget you say? I'm glad you asked. See, you only have so many fucks to give. Don't give a single fuck about the opinions of people who don't matter. Don't give a single fuck about people who don't give a fuck about you. Don't waste a fuck on people who only value you when you are falling in line with their expectations, or not rocking the boat, or otherwise letting them disrespect you. Because when you waste all your fucks on people and opinions that don't deserve them, you are left with zero fucks for the things that really matter. And that is you. The people in your life who call you negative etc when you try to enforce your boundaries are making what is called counter moves. Your boundaries are making them uncomfortable, and god forbid they be uncomfortable and learn to treat you with respect. Enforcing boundaries is really, really hard, especially when we've been trained long and hard, not to. We have to get comfortable with the discomfort of enforcing boundaries.
So in summary. People and expectations and ideals of the perfect woman all suck. People who are not used to you having boundaries will push back and also suck. Save all the fucks in your fuckbudget for you. And don't give a fuck about what those other people say or do.
XOXO so over it. I'm glad you spoke up.
Hi Anon Jan 22
DeleteI so hear you and I can relate to everything you have written.
Sorry you are in this club, but glad you found us.
My ex too has left after many affairs, and after me also like you, trying hard to make him happy and keep the family together.
I'm in a "don't care, don't give a shit" mood at the moment. Sick of setting boundaries with kids to clean and getting no respect back. Sick of forking out money to fix a stupid car...sick of it all!
I'll join you in being so over it.
Hugs
Gabby xo
Anonymous,
DeleteYep, you nailed it. But -- and this is important -- we talk a lot on this site about counter-moves. And polarizing women's response into those two ends of the spectrum – doormat/bitch – are cultural countermoves the keep women paralyzed. But there is an all-win situation and that is to silence those voices and enforce clear boundaries focused on keeping ourselves emotionally safe and our relationships free of resentment (well, maybe not FREE of resentment but with a lot less resentment). It's really REALLY hard because those cultural voices (or the voices in our own home) are loud and they will push back hard. But we don't have to let them. It will feel really uncomfortable if you're not used to enforcing boundaries (or even having them). And the "bitch" part often comes from us ignoring our boundaries until we're furious and explode. Healthy boundaries -- and expressing them in a healthy way -- is neither doormat nor bitch. It comes from a place of self-respect and other respect. It comes from a place of power, even if it feels shaky at first.
Still Standing... a FUCK budget you say... i fucking love it! Two thumbs the fuck up! Now pass the sugar so i can wash my mouth out. Too long i gave too many fucks to or about fuckheads now i give a fuck about myself first and my H i tell him he is a fuck fuck sometimes but we are still working thru this shitshow and trying to come out the other side. A standing ovation my lady. Elle ... weve all been there and now you let yourself off hook enforce boundaries get selfcare front and center and try again tomorrow.
DeleteI heard similar words from my daughter who is sandwiched between brothers. One of the challenges was that she liked things neat and tidy and was always cleaning and picking up after them too. Trying to get her to see that she was not really "helping" the situation was challenging. She is still an organized woman/mother/wife with a daughter who does similar things. Both of my sons are slobs. The single one is bad but the married one has a wife with similar tendencies to disorder. Raising kids with different tolerances for disorder is hard, no way around it for all you out there with kids in your home. I actually stopped doing laundry for them in middle school so that got handled as they saw fit. The picking up after oneself, ugh. You just have to keep using that word, "respect" for others who share your space and hope someday it sticks.
ReplyDeleteYep, BG, that's pretty much the dynamic in our house -- differing ideas of what "clean" and "tidy" look like. I make the rules here so I get to decide. And I'm somewhat in the middle, which is partly because it does get exhausting trying to sway others to adopt my standards. I lived with a mother who, in hindsight, probably had OCD and our house looked like nobody lived there. I'm happy with a middle ground.
DeleteWith kids I am matter of fact. I try to leave any emotion out of it. When they are busy and working hard in school/sport/job etc and are not home (fun time with friends does not count) then they do less. Once summer hits there is a rotation of responsibilities. And it is as simple as there is no screen time of any kind until everything is done. They also have to check in with me in case I need some extra help. I think there are some basic standards to being part of a family. But in general I explain that it is our house and what we ask them to do we expect. And the consequence is whatever their commodity is. Screen time, car, time with friends, going to a birthday party. I also explained it to them just as I told my husband. I will not be a police officer checking in and enforcing. But they do know the expectations and what the consequences are.
ReplyDeleteBeach Girl and Still Standing I agree with your methods of not doing stuff for them. When all their clothes are dirty or there is no silver ware to eat with they catch on fast. If they ask nicely for help or how to fit it all in I am happy to help them.
Saying all of this I think as Beach Girl said kids are who they are just as we all are. We all put priorities on different things. I talk to my kids all the time about how we can all improve. No one is perfect. My one daughter loves to help all the time the other one would rather do homework than lift a finger. But we talk about making goals to improve those aspects. My one child made a promise to wash at least one load of clothes every weekend so it does not pile up. That child is so happy now. It is more manageable and she does not get overwhelmed.
I think this translates into a marriage/relationship. Many times we have our own idea of what needs to get done and by when. The other person in the relationship does not agree. I think this is a major conflict for most marriages.
I REALLY have to try hard with the "keeping emotion out of it" piece. I have my therapist's words ringing in my ears: If your reaction to something feels bigger than the something, it's about old stuff". Usually, with me, it's about feeling invisible, as if I don't matter, which is completely old stuff for me. So I'm learning to bite my tongue and really figure out what I'm reacting to. Work in progress, indeed!!
DeleteSo true. And my husband has always said others feed off of what you put out there. He really encouraged me to focus on that with the kids and observe. It was eyeopening. It was easier to just show my emotions. But it has taken a lot of work. I will still rant/lecture from time to time. I try really hard though to take a breathe, time out for myself or whatever I need. Remove myself from it, not worry about what I did as a kids, how my parents treated me etc.
DeleteThat translated to affair recovery too. Of course in the beginning emotions ran high. But over time I found if I remained calm and collected I got more out of it. My husband was less defensive. It was a win win.
The best line I say to myself over and over again my husband told me is "talk less, listen more". It has not steered me wrong. Why does he have such good advice? The years of education and real life work experience pay off.