I'll Say It Again (And Again...)

It would seem from a lot of the comments on this site and the things I'm seeing in my Twitter feed that we are all due for a reminder that our husbands didn't cheat because there's something wrong with us but because there's something wrong with them.
It's what all the experts say, of course. It's even what the more insightful cheaters say. But that doesn't mean we believe it. Instead, far too many of us buy into this cultural myth that men cheat because they're getting something better than the boring old hag at home. Or because the sex is spectacular. 
But there is simply too much evidence to the contrary. The stereotype, of course, is the sexy Other Woman with long legs and a come-hither voice. The reality is often an Other Woman who works at Costco and wears mom jeans. In other words, she's not that different from us except that her moral compass is broken, if she ever had one at all.
Despite the fact that the OW in my case was a bloated alcoholic with anger issues, I still spent hours trying to figure out what she had that I didn't. Was she a porn star in bed? A delightful dinner companion who laughed at all his jokes? Was she smarter than I? Funnier? More interesting? Did he prefer her long hair to my short? Did he prefer her thicker waist to mine? Just what the hell was it that she had and I didn't? Or that I had and he didn't want?
What a waste of time that was! If I'd had any sense of self-worth, I would have figured it out a whole lot sooner. But a childhood spent with addicts had essentially groomed me for this. I already held a deep secret belief that there was something wrong with me. I had grown up convinced that if people knew the truth about me, they wouldn't love me. And so, when I discovered that my husband was cheating on me, it confirmed what I already believed about myself. That I was inherently unlovable. That I was unworthy of fidelity. That I wasn't enough.
You too?
Those beliefs exist in so many of us, long before our husbands cheat. But here's the thing: Those beliefs often exist in cheaters too. Why else do they risk marriages that matter to them for women who don't? Why else do they fall for this distorted reflection of themselves in another woman's eyes -- a reflection that tells them everything they want to believe about themselves but that they secretly doubt? 
Healing from betrayal, whether within your marriage or past it, is about healing those core beliefs about ourselves. It's about rediscovering the truth about our worth. That we matter. That we deserve respect and kindness and honesty. That, even if the marriage is well and truly over, we didn't deserve betrayal. 
Husbands that deserve a second chance will heal themselves too. And they will support us in our healing. Those that don't will continue to blame us for their own shortcomings. They will continue to look outside themselves and their marriage for validation. They will continue to need that reflection in others' eyes because their own reveal emptiness.
One more time – and louder – for those in the back: He didn't cheat because there's something wrong with you. He cheated because there's something wrong with him.