I confess I'm not especially sympathetic when it come to those who cheat on their partners and those who are with those who cheat on their partners. So my first response was to tweet back something snarky.
But I know that there's a deeper question there, one that affects so many of us: When will I stop thinking about his affair/his affair partner/the mind movies/"what's wrong with me"/etc. In other words, how do I control my thoughts.
To which I answer: Well, it's really hard. Feelings are largely beyond our control. Thoughts are slightly more controllable. But it's actions where the real change occurs.
And it's actions that can often shift our thoughts.
You've likely all heard that parable about the two wolves, right? Well, to refresh your memory:
A grandfather is talking with his grandson and he says there are two wolves inside of us which are always at battle.
One is a good wolf which represents things like kindness, bravery, and love. The other is a bad wolf, which represents things like greed, hatred, and fear.
The grandson stops and thinks about it for a second then he looks up at his grandfather and says, “Grandfather, which one wins?”
The grandfather quietly replies, “The one you feed.”
Well, it's the same thing with thoughts. If, when a thought of him with the affair partner flashes in your brain, you have choices about what to do with it. You can try some behaviour modification techniques (snapping an elastic band on your wrist, picturing a stop sign, saying "stop" or "no" out loud and then distracting yourself with something else – making a recipe, trying to recall the lyrics to a catchy song, picking up a good book in which NOBODY cheats), all of which amount to not feeding the bad wolf. You can make sure each day that you feed the good wolf. Through self-care. Journalling. Actively seeking out pleasure – a walk in the woods, playing your favorite music, treating yourself to a fancy coffee.
It's not magic, it's practice. A whole lot of practice. And sometimes it's really tough. But, ultimately, it comes down to which wolf you feed. One will grow stronger. And one will starve.
So timely Elle. Sunday will be our 40th anniversary and the mind movies of his prostitute escapades during our anniversary trips to Hawaii bring me to my knees still. He knows this is on my mind and I doubt he will say anything. He doesn't like to acknowledge my pain, he hates conflic and I know he feels badly about all his choices after the fact. He desperately wants to celebrate our anniversary because he says he never stopped loving me. Funny way of showing it. Anyway, I'm going to go out for a walk and try to get myself out of this funky mood. You have written here numerous times and others have chimed in that SA is about them and their issues but it is hard for me to put the thought out of my head that he "chose" the fantasy whore to celebrate his own private anniversary. Right now, I hate his guts. I need the sunshine cure.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're in this funky mood Beach Girl, but I can understand why.
DeleteI haven't got any answers about stopping the mind movies, because I couldn't stop thinking about it.
Whilst he was denying any interaction with his whores, I find he was still in contact with all his whores - so being with him never felt genuine any more and the mind movies became nightmares, that I couldn't stop thinking about - and obviously feeding.
I hope I don't offend anyone by saying this, but anyway for me, my husband would tell me he never stopped loving me. I called him bullshit on this. You don't hurt people you love, so by him (constantly) cheating how could he love me? He didn't. He loved himself more and didn't love me. Selfish prick!
I hope by the time you read this the walk has cleared your mind and you are feeling happier.
Try a new perspective as you celebrate your 40th anniversary. Celebrate about you. You as an amazing wife, mother, grandmother and person. A marriage is not only about wife and husband, but about family, and you have been the rock of your family. You are loved by many here Beach Girl. Thinking of you
Hugs
Gabby xo
Thinking of you Beach Girl but also good to hear from you. I find this just never gets easier. I mean yes day to day I feel different and the betrayal does not hang over me. But I have come to grips with the fact that I do not think there is anything my husband can say, do or tell me that can help me make sense of it. Sometimes it scares me. I am at this point where I can stand back and look at him and what I see is a person who betrayed and let down himself first and foremost. That is what I find scary. I see it the opposite of selfish in my husband's case. I know we have talked about how our husbands feel similar. My husband has transformed himself. Is he perfect no but he has changed how he lives his life. He shows me with his words and actions.
DeleteFor me I am at a point where I take a step back and spend time in the quiet. I wonder have we outgrown each other? Are we not the people we were for whatever reasons when we met? Is this worth it? For me I always go back to his actions. For now they are all there.
Celebration/anniversary/holidays are so hard. Especially wedding anniversaries. I feel as if our wedding was a joke. It still sits with me since he claims one of his make excuses to himself was he did not get to play the field enough before we were married. I know that was him grasping at any excuse and pushes it on me/us. I feel like our anniversary is a joke/fraud etc. He tells me he can separate it all and can see the good. He is an expert at compartmentalizing things in his life.
In addition to Gabby's suggestions, I would suggest be proud of yourself. This is not an easy path. Reflect back on how far you have come. This is really hard to deal with but you have been strong and learned so much. None of our stories are perfect but you have so much to give and be proud of!
Beach Girl, I'm so sorry that the pain is still so close. I wonder if a big part of that is his refusal to sit with you in that pain. To just hold you close, to stop prioritizing his own comfort over yours.
DeleteAnd Hopeful30, you ask if you've outgrown each other. Here's the thing with infidelity. Sometimes, even when we've essentially healed from the wound he inflicted, the deeper damage remains. And sometimes, the marriage mightn't have survived anyway. I wonder if those of us who've fought so hard to stay feel something of an obligation to remain in a marriage that has run its course in other ways -- as if all that work is for nought if we don't end up married to the same man. I don't have an answer for you, of course, but it sounds as though you've got some deep thinking to do. It's possible to love a man and not want to remain married to him.
"I wonder if those of us who've fought so hard to stay feel something of an obligation to remain in a marriage that has run its course in other ways -- as if all that work is for nought if we don't end up married to the same man"
DeleteThis right here. So much right here. I've been pondering this a lot over the last 7 months. I thought maybe, just maybe, I wanted our marriage. But after the last shit storm last June I just started reflecting over what was missing prior to DDay.
I think the final straw on this was one night in December as I was screaming at him I asked him if he'd even once, just once, asked himself why I wasn't happy in our marriage before. He didn't even miss a beat and said "because I was an asshole" ... but that was the extent of his thoughtfulness into the subject.
I hate to say - I'm leaning further and further out of this marriage. I just need to figure out how to either cut the cord or to lean back in. I'm just struggling with that right now.
Elle, Thank you for hearing me. That means a lot. I have learned so much. However everything is connected. I feel like once we moved past year one the focus has been on us as individuals and our relationship. We do not forget what he did but it is really all of this other stuff and who we each want to be individually and together. So interesting!
DeleteBeach girl, I have no magic insights. Just wanted to say I'm here and I'm sending you a huge hug. Go get some sunshine for yourself and send some back east for me! xoxo
ReplyDeleteThe dark spiral of unhelpful thoughts is the #1 thing that causes me suffering and throws me back into misery more than anything else. I have had to work so hard to learn to recognize those thoughts (that took two months) and even more to actively choose not to engage them. I read some great advice once that said, "When a bad thought enters, don't argue with it. Don't try to overcome it. Don't even engage it." As a spiritual person, I pray when those thoughts enter, but it's the most exhausting work of my life. I am beyond tired just fighting my mind, much less trying to function some days. The good wolf feels very small and weak right now.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, Yes, it is the hardest work, I think. My therapist used to remind me, over and over, that it's not what others say to me that's the problem, it's what I say to myself. That helps me a lot when I notice that I'm spiralling down into the "you're a loser" hole. The balm for that is radical kindness to myself. The good wolf grows really strong on compassion. :)
DeleteThis has been a hard thing for me to move past. Through this recovery and self reflection I have realized that I am prone to negative self talk and always have been. I have always cut myself down. Being betrayed did not help this at all. In the beginning after dday it was really bad. I think typical but it was rough. I still work really hard to remain positive. And what do I tell my kids pretty much every day to be positive and especially with self talk. Many times what is running through our head is not even true. One thing that helped me was from my husband who is a mental health professional. He would tell our kids to take a step back and question if what they were telling themselves was reality. Or was it their perspective or what they thought or felt. And we always told them to talk less listen more.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure who told this story a while after my dday someone posted a story/imagery. It really connected with me. It was talking about an old woman, a grandma. She pulls out a photo of herself when she was younger. It could look two ways. One was black and white, crumpled, torn. The other was in full color and taken care of. The gist was think about how you want to reflect back on your life when you are older. It set in with me. I do not want my kids to think of me in a way that is sad, dark and stuck in the past. Of course I had to work through a lot to get to this place, it did not happen over night. However when I am down for me I seek out quiet and almost reset myself. I focus on the good and what I can control.
Hopeful30,
DeleteYes, I remember that comment. It was powerful and resonated with me too.
The house she was renting is now up for sale. It has been a dark reminder of what happened with my H. While the panic attacks at just seeing the house stopped about a year ago, I knew if I didn't go to the open house, I could never be friends with any potential new owner. Scared? Yes. Stressed? Very. But I did it. I didn't lash out at H, but I did wake up screaming like I did after Dday. But I felt proud for confronting a demon and being a productive, positive person the next day. A day at a time, a step at a time. I'm still not ready to shop at her favorite big box store.
ReplyDeleteBravo to you, Beagle Mom. Time to turn the page. It's four walls that will contain a new person. But I can imagine how hard it was to walk through that day. I hope you remind yourself often of the guts it took to reclaim that freedom.
DeleteI am struggling so much to feed the good wolf. It is like she is left for dead. I find it impossible to see a different perspective, to attach a different meaning to what happened. To find a good thought, any thought...Yesterday was my bday. Last year, he made a big deal how important my bday was, and he rescheduled his business trip for the next day. I felt special, seen, important...I saw hope, that we can fix our marriage - I didn’t know he was having an affair. I didn’t know that he was going for a 4 day weekend with the OW. I didn’t know...It has been 11 months since I found out. I know some of what happened, but at the same time, I don’t really know it. Hard to explain. Yesterday, the duplicity and the betrayal hit me so hard, I am struggling. He threw me crumbs, while he planned an elaborate meal for himself. There is nothing that I can grab on to. I am so scared and hurt and lost. I don’t know what a good thought is anymore, I can’t remember. For the life of me, I can’t remember what hope looks like, the knowledge that I am worth it and that I matter.
ReplyDeleteLostSomewhere,
DeleteI am so sorry for the pain you're in. I know how dark it feels. I remember how hopeless I felt.
But here's what I know now, LostSomewhere. You are worth more than this whether he sees it or not. You deserve kindness and respect and attention, whether he gives it to you or not. You are outsourcing your value to him rather than treating yourself like you are worthy.
So that's where you start. Not with the feelings (those will come later) but with actions. What can you do today that will remind you of your own worth? Maybe it's just paying attention to the bullshit you're telling yourself about why he cheated (I'm not pretty enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not fill-inthe-blank-enough). Maybe you need to give yourself some time today to sit and enjoy a good coffee or a walk with a friend. Whatever it is, give it to yourself.
Tap into your anger around this. How DARE he do this to you? What the HELL is wrong with him that he risked his marriage? Write it all down. Anger is often a mask for hurt and fear, both of which you feel in spades. But it can also remind us of our worth. You'd no doubt be outraged if a friend's husband pulled this idiocy. Don't scream at him, necessarily (though maybe you should) but put it on paper. Excavate those feelings.
That's what you hang onto, LostSomewhere. You hang on to a deep deep knowledge that you didn't deserve this. Silence all the voices over the years that have told you you're not enough or that you don't matter. All that has been lies. Nobody deserves betrayal. Nobody deserves deception from the person they trusted with their heart. Nobody.
Thanks everyone for your feedback. Sometimes just being "heard" is so helpful. Hopeful30, I am prone to negative self talk also and it is a good reminder to stop that crap. I'm of the mindset that this too shall pass and after reading the newer post I feel stronger.
ReplyDeleteThis makes complete sense and my husband says this to me often about which wolf do I want to feed. Obviously I WANT to feed the self confident, happy wolf not the hungry negative wolf. EASIER SAID than DONE though right?? In my particular situation, mine was an emotional affair. My husband pursued someone else. I have ugly screen shots to prove it. the OW was the one who said no, you are married, that she only wanted to be friends. So thankfully nothing more happened than tons of intimate conversations and one attempted kiss when he stopped by her house. Since the OW told me, things have changed a ton. But my fear is that I will never have the self confidence and positivity back. I was ALWAYS the glass is half full, the grass is never greener on the other side type person. I am no where near perfect but always put my family first. and was happy to do it. thats what made ME happy. and to have him purse another person just broke my heart. He has always been selfish but I just KNEW that he would NEVER do something like this and lie to my face about it. I just feel like sometimes I can't and won't ever get that back no matter how GOOD things can be. Like Lost Somewhere, I feel like the good wolf is dead somewhere. I want to be the old me in so many ways. I am afraid of losing myself to resentment and distrust. I literally ache every day and its been 2 years. I feel so petty complaining when according to the world's standards, he didn't even cheat. but it was enough for me to be forever changed. Sometimes even when he is doing everything right, I still don't feel like its enough. I feel like I am settling a lot of the time. Do I love him? of course I do. But is it the "right" love? Does he love me? he says he does. Can I believe him? maybe. But will it change? will he find someone else to pursue? I don't know. and thats killing me.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth TwinsTwice ... the sex of my H's affair isn't what bothers me most. He fell in love with her after only knowing her a short time. He fully intended on leaving me and our kids. He fully intended on setting up house with her and was even looking at real estate. He fully intended to ... and she was the one who cut him off. Not that he suddenly came to his senses. She.cut.him.off. Period. End of subject.
DeleteOh the world will tell us - but he never left. He "chose you".
TwinsTwice - I'm in a poor state right now so I'm not the right BW to be sitting next to. But I just wanted you to know that you are completely 100% heard by me today.
Geez Kimberly. Sounds so familiar. Mine was travelling for "work" all the time and was looking at homes in another state to set up life with his whore also. He says he wasn't going to leave as the kids were here. Really. Why look for houses elsewhere then? So that affair didn't last. He then found someone else.
DeleteTwins Twice. you have every reason to express your pain. An emotional affair is still an affair. Your husband was putting time and effort and thought into someone else behind your back. That is a betrayal.
I know the muddle up feelings you are going though. You have the good wolf in you already. You are a decent kind caring person. Keep reminding yourself of all your good qualities.
Hugs
Gabby xo
oh ladies I feel for you both. And thank you both for your kind words. Its so hard when you are constantly wondering, WOULD he have chosen me if she had wanted him back?? Its a question that will never get answered. I know this. I have to move forward on faith that I can trust again (even though after 2 years I am no where close to that yet). He never once tried to blame me, he took full responsibility for everything. Blamed himself completely and made many changes. I know this is a good thing but at the same time I want to still hate him. LOL. That's the only thing he doesn't get. I even told him in the beginning when I agreed to try, didn't mean that even if he was PERFECT, there are no guarantees. I know that I am in a crossroads point of our relationship. Our 4 kids play a HUGE factor of course. They are 10 and 12. He is a great great father. Sometimes it just feels like it would be easier to be alone. I wonder if there will always feel like a piece of me missing. Its like a broken lamp glued back together. Yes the light will still come on but it will never look or be the same. There maybe chips missing. I feel like that everyday.
DeleteTwinsTwice,
DeleteSo much of what you’re saying hits home for me. I tried to comment yesterday but have been having issues with my posts going through. The abbreviated version of what I wrote is along the lines of what you mentioned above about no guarantees. There never were any but I feel like my husband’s betrayal made that reality very personal. I struggle with living in the present but truly find myself happiest when I’m able to do just that.
Hugs to you and all my warrior sisters!
Elle - If/when you have some time, can you share w me about your decisions to blog and write a book? I have LONG wanted to write a book - it's been on my heart for years. And I now - thanks to my "situation" - have quite a lot of...plot :) with which to work. My therapist thinks I should do it. A few of my mentors - who I both trust and respect - have said writing and sharing publicly, even anonymously, about my experience is a "terrible idea". Your blog/book have been so helpful to me, possibly my #1 touchstone through my own hellhole of betrayal. I want to do that for others. Also don't want to bring misery on my kids. Or unnecessarily burn bridges (though most of those have already been burned by OTHER PEOPLE). Or cause more detriment to my marriage (tho husband has said I can write whatever I want). As someone who has clearly walked down the path I'm peering at, I'm curious how you came to the decision to share publicly (tho obvi with a pseudonym).
ReplyDelete