Funny thing. I think so many of us arrive at d-day already with wounds to our self esteem and sense of worth (or lack thereof) that, at least for me, I had been putting up with being treated pretty poorly for a long time. I think d-day and the stuff that came after was what it finally took for me to sit up and look around and say, "you, know what? I've had enough of this bullshit." And start learning to treat myself like I have value.
That's exactly true for me too and it's why I hedge around the "my husband's affair was good for me" thing. Because I had convinced myself that I was "fine". And it was only with my life blown wide open that I made the choice to really examine it -- keep what was truly working and fix what wasn't. Consequently, life is far better now and I am far healthier emotionally/psychologically. Leaving with this conundrum: Hating my husband's betrayal because it was so devastating but also appreciating the reckoning it created in my own life.
Right on SS1. For too many years I kept the peace - not to rock the boat, all the while he wouldn't shut up, even when I'd bite back, he'd go on and on...wearing me down to the point I just tuned out. (It seems to be a family trait of his) No more disrespect! Hugs Gabby xo
I agree with you SS1. After D day, I thought, WOW, I did all this, some that I didn't want to do. For what? Why? What about me? I hadn't thought of what I wanted for a long time. Too long. It took me at least 4 years after D day to think I was good enough. Not just for a day or two or maybe a week but all the time. All the time I have left to live. To prove it didn't matter anymore, I would walk my dog is sticky curlers, I let my boobs hang out, I stop cooking except for myself. Can you babysit - no I can't I have to lay on the couch all weekend. Do you have time to help me - no I'm going to the casinos. I was in MY hot tub nude a few days ago, my H said Mac is suppose to drop by. I said I don't care, so what, I won't stand up. But I'm not going to get out because I knee hurts for someone who MAY drop by. I had to learn what I want is not selfish. My therapist told me - you earned it and if anyone is not happy for you, then they really don't care about you anyway. I didn't realize how many narcissistic friends I leaned to because my mom was that way so I was drawn to these people. In a way my H freed me from him and my marriage. Weird. Would I wish a cheater on anyone? Help no. All I sought out after Dday was peace for myself and freedom. I had no peace, of sound mind or body 4 years I gave up my time. I have to work at this everyday because it is easier to fall backwards than land on my face. In fact I drunk too much wine, in flip flops with socks and landed on my face and broke my two front teeth. But on the bright side I have two fake perfect looking movie star teeth that never yellow or decay. So each day is a day to set myself free. I have to do everyday. Like brushing my fake teeth.
And not just with my spouse ... but with so many others around me.
I have spent the last week thinking to myself "when did I allow myself to be like this." At what point did I stop standing up for me? Bosses, family members, co-workers, strangers ...
Hi SS1, i think we tend to feel that we have not done enough..we always feel that is our fault and forget that the most important thing for us is "ME". Sometimes, we need to be selfish to treat our-self first. I've came across the video from Jay Shetty yesterday and would like to share with all of you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-BHuQZv7Y8
SS1 you may have hit on something there. For me I have always been guarded where other people are concerned. I have always had just a small group of friends. Let people walk all over me just fit in. I never fit in with very many people. I always saw through their bullshit, even as a kid.
When I worked at this restaurant my guard came down except for one person that I truly didn't like and that was the manager of the restaurant. I did't trust her at all and she knew it. Have you ever met someone that truly oozed evil out of every pore of her body. That was her. She was always trying to get me to go to some store with her to buy baking supplies. I wouldn't do it. The OW kept trying to get me to go with her too. I really felt like I fit in with all of these people. I had always had great respect for the Native Culture. After Dday, and all that shit from my past came back it really was a gut punch. It's still taking me a long time to believe in myself again. Maybe believing in myself is what I'm supposed to learn.
Funny thing. I think so many of us arrive at d-day already with wounds to our self esteem and sense of worth (or lack thereof) that, at least for me, I had been putting up with being treated pretty poorly for a long time. I think d-day and the stuff that came after was what it finally took for me to sit up and look around and say, "you, know what? I've had enough of this bullshit." And start learning to treat myself like I have value.
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly true for me too and it's why I hedge around the "my husband's affair was good for me" thing. Because I had convinced myself that I was "fine". And it was only with my life blown wide open that I made the choice to really examine it -- keep what was truly working and fix what wasn't. Consequently, life is far better now and I am far healthier emotionally/psychologically. Leaving with this conundrum: Hating my husband's betrayal because it was so devastating but also appreciating the reckoning it created in my own life.
DeleteRight on SS1. For too many years I kept the peace - not to rock the boat, all the while he wouldn't shut up, even when I'd bite back, he'd go on and on...wearing me down to the point I just tuned out. (It seems to be a family trait of his)
DeleteNo more disrespect!
Hugs
Gabby xo
I agree with you SS1. After D day, I thought, WOW, I did all this, some that I didn't want to do. For what? Why? What about me? I hadn't thought of what I wanted for a long time. Too long. It took me at least 4 years after D day to think I was good enough. Not just for a day or two or maybe a week but all the time. All the time I have left to live. To prove it didn't matter anymore, I would walk my dog is sticky curlers, I let my boobs hang out, I stop cooking except for myself. Can you babysit - no I can't I have to lay on the couch all weekend. Do you have time to help me - no I'm going to the casinos. I was in MY hot tub nude a few days ago, my H said Mac is suppose to drop by. I said I don't care, so what, I won't stand up. But I'm not going to get out because I knee hurts for someone who MAY drop by. I had to learn what I want is not selfish. My therapist told me - you earned it and if anyone is not happy for you, then they really don't care about you anyway. I didn't realize how many narcissistic friends I leaned to because my mom was that way so I was drawn to these people. In a way my H freed me from him and my marriage. Weird. Would I wish a cheater on anyone? Help no. All I sought out after Dday was peace for myself and freedom. I had no peace, of sound mind or body 4 years I gave up my time. I have to work at this everyday because it is easier to fall backwards than land on my face. In fact I drunk too much wine, in flip flops with socks and landed on my face and broke my two front teeth. But on the bright side I have two fake perfect looking movie star teeth that never yellow or decay. So each day is a day to set myself free. I have to do everyday. Like brushing my fake teeth.
ReplyDeleteSS1 - so much truth.
ReplyDeleteAnd not just with my spouse ... but with so many others around me.
I have spent the last week thinking to myself "when did I allow myself to be like this." At what point did I stop standing up for me? Bosses, family members, co-workers, strangers ...
I've had enough of this bullshit.
Hi SS1, i think we tend to feel that we have not done enough..we always feel that is our fault and forget that the most important thing for us is "ME". Sometimes, we need to be selfish to treat our-self first.
ReplyDeleteI've came across the video from Jay Shetty yesterday and would like to share with all of you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-BHuQZv7Y8
Lost_AA
SS1 you may have hit on something there. For me I have always been guarded where other people are concerned. I have always had just a small group of friends. Let people walk all over me just fit in. I never fit in with very many people. I always saw through their bullshit, even as a kid.
ReplyDeleteWhen I worked at this restaurant my guard came down except for one person that I truly didn't like and that was the manager of the restaurant. I did't trust her at all and she knew it. Have you ever met someone that truly oozed evil out of every pore of her body. That was her. She was always trying to get me to go to some store with her to buy baking supplies. I wouldn't do it. The OW kept trying to get me to go with her too. I really felt like I fit in with all of these people. I had always had great respect for the Native Culture. After Dday, and all that shit from my past came back it really was a gut punch. It's still taking me a long time to believe in myself again. Maybe believing in myself is what I'm supposed to learn.