Guess what today is? Yep...Ten years ago today I got that bitchslap that is D-Day. That kick in the gut. That mind-blowing agony. That horrible and devastating moment that then spans days and weeks and months...and years.
But here's the thing. When I was in that moment, and for the months and even year or two that followed, I never imagined that I could ever EVER be happy again. Ever. I resigned myself to the notion that the rest of my life would be a slow trudge toward the grave. Joyless. Grey.
Those of you who read here know that, somewhere around the five-year-mark, I realized that my prediction had been way off. Somewhere in those first five years, joy re-entered my life. The pain of D-Day slowly receded, like a fog, and when I looked around, I liked my life. It had the usual ups and downs but it was good.
Fast forward another five years and I only really thought of December 10 as my husband's and my annual Christmas shopping day. That's how I survived those early anti-versaries. We made it our annual shopping day for family and friends so that a day that would otherwise serve up reminders of pain and anger could be transformed into a day in which we thought about everyone we loved and sought out gifts to share with them. It worked. I began to look forward to that day. We would spend it together, we would enjoy a leisurely lunch, the kids would be taken care of by someone else so we could take our time.
And now...December 10 is shopping day. Not a day of reckoning but a day of recreation. Re-creation.
That's what we're doing, isn't it? We're re-creating our lives.
Happy December 10 to all of you. Think of me. Battling the crowds but with a full grateful heart.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
You amazing woman .. enjoy your day Elle if anyone deserves a happy ending it's you!!! Lots of love xxx
ReplyDeleteSo incredibly grateful to wake up to this post. Happy shopping day my wonderful mentor, coach and friend. May your day be filled with joy. Time, so important to remember, that time does heal and do wonderful things to the soul.
ReplyDeleteElle
ReplyDeleteMy h and I are shopping today as well even though it's not like it's anything different for us other than we've about run slap out of weekends and we need grandsons presents! I'm so glad you are able to turn a hurtful hateful date into a joy filled new memory! You taught me how to do that within a few weeks of reading this blog! I'm sending warm hugs for the joy you showed me that could be mine if I only reached for it!
Shop away, Elle!! You have so earned your joy. I am in awe of what you have accomplished in 10 years.
ReplyDeleteI really like that idea. I am going to have figure out some awesome tradition for my girls and me in September 1st.
I’m so glad you’ve been able to go out and do your Christmas shopping and recreate those bad days into happy days. That is a huge positive achievement Elle.
ReplyDeleteYour post got me thinking (how unusual!!!)… about this time of the year for all of us and our families. We all struggle at different times with different triggers, and Christmas time will be emotional for a lot of us betrayed women and our beautiful children. For those of you who are really finding this time of the year hard, please remember. Ultimately, You create your happiness. Christmas has been here longer than your relationship with your husband and remember all the happy times you had before you were together (or if you didn’t have a particularly happy childhood “recreate” as Elle has done). You were able to be happy before, so don’t let these creeps suck all the happiness out of us. Especially if you have kids, they are entitled to happy memories (with or without their lying cheating dad) – which yes it will be up to us to ensure we keep the magic alive in their lives and ensure we create happy memories for them. Put on HAPPY Christmas music, say Merry Christmas (or peace and happiness – whatever you feel comfortable saying) to strangers. Just keep positive. Let your children see you can be happy so they don’t grow up resenting this time of year because of the sadness they encountered. If money is tight, for presents and your kids are a bit older, an idea is to create a decorated piece of paper with a “mum and …..(your child’s name) day”, and list some things that your child likes to do that you will make this their special day. They’ll put it on the fridge and hold you to it! I’m hoping you can all find peace and happiness and enjoy these special days.
Love and Hugs
Gabby xo
I love your Christmas treat ideas to make things special for children - thank you.
DeleteLove this!❤️ Happy Antiversary. ��
ReplyDeleteGood for you! And so happy that you have made it this far. You lead by example and we are all fortunate that you share your life with us. I find your website so much better than anything out there. It really is a positive environment no matter what you choose to do. But what I like most is that it has given me hope that contradictory to societies message I can build a life that I am happy and proud of. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteFantastic! Love this post. It's a great, uplifting story. I feel great about the upcoming holiday. I AM Mrs.Claus, in case you didn't know.
ReplyDeleteElle that is wonderful. I'm still struggling with Xmas. I just can't seem to find joy in it like I previously did. We created new memories for the last 3 years. I have not put up a tree in three years. Year 1 we had our first Christmas together alone in Minnesota. Year 2 rented a house in Florida. Year 3 going on a Xmas and News Year Eve cruise for 12 days. I sound like one of those actresses who have it all and still crying poor me. Maybe I ran away but looked like I was having fun. I look at the lights and trees in houses, all the work and think how stupid is all that fuss. So what. My kids know why. They made me promise that next year would be the family Christmas at home. I agreed. I feel this way about most holidays anymore. It used to be everyone wanted to come to our house because I went all out, all the time. I just don't want to see anyone I know at Christmas. Therapy this week, I'll,let you know what comes out of that. I got my joy back the other 11 months just not this month. Maybe I think all I did, he didn't give a shit anyway. There was only one thing special to him for 3 years and it wasn't me. It wasn't her. It was him looking maganimous, him looking generous, him in control, him looking like a great guy. Let me do a double puke.
ReplyDeleteLynnlesspain
DeleteI struggle greatly with the entire month of December because it holds the memories of loved ones that went to heaven and I spend each of these gloomy days doing nothing but fun selfish me things in order to reclaim each day for a new small happy memory... Year two of this! I scaled Christmas way back to a small living tree that travels with us to our lake house so we can visit with our kids and grandkids...This is year four of shared custody with the sperm doner my daughter fell in lust with ten years ago...time just keeps slipping by and I have to dig my happy where ever I can! I'm hoping you can find a small piece of self happy! Hugs!
Lynnlesspain, which makes me ask the question: Why were you going all out for Christmas? Was it an attempt to look like superwoman? Was it an attempt to get his attention, his praise, his appreciation? Because if that's why you were doing it, then it will be damn near impossible to enjoy going all out any more. You know the ending now. It didn't work.
DeleteBut if you went all out because you had fun doing it even if nobody was ever going to see it, if you went all out because you take joy in the decorations and the music and the food EVEN IF NOBODY BOTHERS TO NOTICE, then I think it's far easier to find that joy again. It's in the moment. It's in the placing of each ornament, it's in the mixing of each recipe, it's in the singing along with the music. It's in the right-now.
You and I are a lot alike, LLP. I think we've spent a lot of our lives performing for others, earning their love. But now we know -- oh boy, do we know -- that it doesn't work. But we also know that we are lovable and worthy. Not because we put on one helluva great Christmas but because. Just because.
With my D-Day so close to Christmas, I wondered if I would ever celebrate it with anything resembling joy. I thought I would just grit my teeth for the rest of my life.
But I love the lights. I love the music. I love candles and a log in the fire. So I do those things because I love them. Because they feed my soul and allow me to show up in the world with a heart full.
I struggle with this a lot. When I grew up all holidays were minimal Chirstmas, birthday etc. Not bad but minimal. I think some to do with the fact we did not have a lot. My parents were never close to their families and I have a very small family. So it was always just small, minimal and quiet. All I wanted was to have great holidays and great birthdays. And when I says wanting to celebrate I am not just saying through gifts and material objects but the actual experience of the holiday. My husband grew up with big holidays and celebrations. And he really could care less about any holiday. He says if we don't wish him happy birthday, give him any gifts or cards ever again he could care less. I struggle with this. I give him a card I either keep it or throw it away. He would never look at them ever again. So holidays make me anxious and sad. We have had a tree for two weeks and it is not decorated. I am find doing it but I have always done it alone. And all it reminds me of is detachment. And even though we had minimal Christmas holidays growing up we always decorated together or made handmade ornaments together. If I bring it up he will say he does not care or he will say it is not his thing. If is present he will just sit there for a bit, check his phone and eventually go back to football or a movie. So in the end I do find joy and am fine doing all of the work myself but it makes me sad and lonely. And I think are we even meant for each other. For me I can get through anything, I power through the hard days but I do look forward to holidays, birthdays and Christmas. But I feel like I am all alone in this.
DeleteDear Elle,
ReplyDeleteI hope you and your H shared a wonderful day together!! I was thinking of you and sending love for you both. Thank you for all the love and wisdom you share with all of us here. Your commitment to this community means so much to me and your writing has helped me through many a dark night.
I wish you and your family and joyful Christmas season.
With love and gratitude
Becky.
Elle, thanks for your perfect words.
ReplyDeleteMy 1st anti-versary is coming up very soon, Dec. 20th, and I'm struggling. Hell, I don't remember much from last Christmas. I just tried to make it through the day. We went to our first marriage counseling appointment the day after Christmas. One good thing is that we decided to make a new memory and go out of town after Christmas, just the two of us. It was his idea and that meant a lot to me. He's trying, he really is. Saying and doing all the right things. And I'm trying. Trying to un-see the details I saw in the texts between them.
But if Elle and some of my fellow sister warriors can do this, then I can too. Your encouragement is comforting and appreciated.
I know one thing I find joy in...my grandchildren. They are the one thing that I can always find joy in.
My goal is to now find joy in just one thing each day.
He started his affair two years ago at Christmas with my slutty neighbor. Found out this summer. Trying to make Christmas happy and pretty as I've always done, but am doing good to just get up and go to work. He thinks I should be fine now, but today I feel like total crap. Meds help, but just so sad. Please tell me this gets better.
ReplyDeleteElle ... 10 years of marriage these days is a record setter i know ur far past this ... 10 years after a betrayl ... certianly gold star status congrats sister! Thanks for this soft place to land, gentle reminders and most importantly the feeling of comfort that is given by the many compassionate and understand womam here of the simple but nurturing words of .... me too, i get it and something you told me wow prob 15 to 18mo ago now ... just show up. 19mo out i finally feel im more then showing up most days... not every day. My H and i are making us time a priority doing new things too and im staying in the day. Last week on a date night he randomly asked ...im really trying everyday and i is your heart still broken? Silence... he was crushed all i could muster up ... i see your efforts and appreciate them.i think its healing but still aches. He said sorry again to which i always respond i know or thank you. I told him last new years under the fireworks i was thankful for his love and i gave him the words he so desperately desired i forgive you. It wasnt only to help him but me forgiving isnt forgetting or saying its ok to me it was a release to move thru this shitstorm my choice everyday and ee,all know how much effort this takes not to the faint of heart. Congrats Elle ... my 10 year past dday hero. Im coming up on 1 year since the ow contacted us ... wonder if this counting ever stops? I think now of it like a mile maker not a finish line im running for.
ReplyDeleteLove this post. My first D Day anniv is was Dec 10. We are making new memories to make this one a blur. More power to you all. I want to get back my favourite time of the year as last year sucked! Happy Holidays.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone, for your warm wishes. It does feel good. It's what I wish for everyone here. Not necessarily the marriage (we each have to walk our own road, right?) but the sense of contentment that life, after so much pain, still holds plenty of joy.
ReplyDeleteMy D Day was also Christmas time when I had a litter of puppies and my downstairs was tore up for 2 weeks b/c we were having hardwood floors but in.
ReplyDeleteMy husband's mistress is porn.
And after ten years, he admitted the other day he found away around the PB software (don't they all?) and installed apps so he could watch.
We've been separated in the home for 2 years now and I've told him he has to move out on April 1st b/c he said he's not willing to write out a plan and stick to it. I agreed verbally to go to a 12 step meeting once a week and get a sponsor for life and I'd be willing to work on it, but now I feel compelled to followed through on my threat: you do porn one more time and we're physically sep.
My son's 17th birthday was yesterday and I want to get my ducks in a row before he leaves. Or I might just put up with him and have very limited hi and by and those are the only two words I say to him b/c I can't work, I homeschool.
So here I am 10 years later and in the same situation. But we're going to have a Merry Christmas b/c I've let the toxic addict go and I'm going to just work on myself.
Hi, here is what my therapist said about Xmas and other stuff. 1. It is going to take several years to get back to the joy of the season. Don't force it. 2. Do one new Christmas thing every year. 3. Don't feel pressure to make the Christmas magical again. 3. Let your children fuss because I work hard to get where I am and I deserve to do what I want. She told me to picture the kind of person I want to be at Christmas. She said to picture what I value at Christmas and work toward that picture. That is my homework. I told her I was a happy betrayed wife. She said we will work so you say I'm a happy wife that was betrayed. I also can see in my comfort, I dropped some boundaries with my H and family. She just kept telling me I have worked hard and to remind them it always wasn't so easy. Nobody should take that away from me. I don't need to feel guilty, selfish, obligated, ashamed or victim by anyone else's choices they have made. Whatever circumstance that they are in that is on them and it is not my job to correct it or fix it. She gave me examples of how to tell the truth but still be compassionate to myself. She helped me identify those around me that play the victim and suck up my compassion for myself. Those that play the victim will suck the life out of you, can be infectious and how to hold my boundaries around them. Not being cruel or hateful but say, I love you and I can't go there or I work hard to get out of "whatever" so when you can talk to me in healthy way then we can resume this conversation. I'm not a therapist so I can't help you. By not helping them in an unhealthy way, you really are helping them. She said just being quiet if I disagree is not being true to myself. Well that's it, I hope it makes sense.
ReplyDeleteWow, LLP. She sounds wonderful. Those are good concrete tools you can put to work for you. It takes practice. And you'll sometimes just forget and slip into old patterns. But if you catch yourself doing that, you can pause, take a breath, and then respond in more conscious measured way. Over time, this new way of responding -- respecting yourself, enforcing boundaries -- will become "normal". I'm so happy for you LLP. You have worked so hard to get where you are. You've had a lot of hurdles to clear and I so admire your tenacity.
DeleteLynnlesspain
DeleteWow! Just wow! You have a wonderful therapist! I often go back in the archives and find our posts from a year ago just to remind me of where my mind was then and this gives me a clearer picture of what I need to work on for my self growth! I've had to create boundaries for many people in my world and when they push back, I become more determined to do what I feel is right for me! I see a better me than I was last Christmas and our family is growing closer to the spirit of Christmas that we all remember even if they are not the same traditions we once shared! You go girl! You're truly an inspiration!
LLP,
ReplyDeleteI so needed some advice for the holidays. Not only did CH affair occur between Thanksgiving and Christmas over a decade ago, my DDay was this year just before Thanksgiving. All my life I was the biggest celebrator of the holidays. I decorated like crazy. We hosted the parties. I bought all the gifts. This year if it weren't for the kids I would have never even been able to put up a tree. We can't invite family over because the OW was a family member and now everyone who didn't know before knows. I would be surrounding myself with people who either: pity me, think I'm an idiot for staying or the worst - my MIL thinks I am the one that drove my CH to all his unhappiness and she puts more blame on me than him. So this year we are going out for dinner just the two of us and the kids. I have never had a holiday meal at a restaurant before. Not having a big celebration is foreign to me. I didn't do any additional decorations this year. Didn't buy gifts for anyone but my own kids (and godchildren). I did tell CH that I was really going to like the present he is getting me this year - then he understood I intend to buy myself a really nice gift something I want, wrap it and put it under the tree labeled 'from him to me'. Told him that it's a 'positive kind of revenge' - I'm not going to retaliate or go sleep with another man, etc. He agreed it was a positive thing to take care of myself. So I am going to do that - buy myself a gift. Trying to make new traditions. But the holidays are SO hard. What used to be my greatest joy is now a daily reminder of my greatest pain. LLP, What great advice from your IC - I will reread your post when I the tears hit.