As always, Elle, the right words at the right time. Yesterday was my first anti-versary. I made it an entire year when I never thought I would. It was tough for me but my h never said a word. He told me the other day (again) that it's in the past, nothing to worry about, he's learned his lesson, hated himself when he was carrying on with the ow. Why is it so easy for them to leave it all in the past but for us it's always there in so many little things that trigger mind movies and such. I really try not to dwell on it. H has a fantastic attitude, says he is happy, we do so much more together, we're planning a trip together after Christmas. I don't know why I am always on high alert.
I am thankful for all the words of advice and encouragement here - where everyone understands what I'm going through. When I never thought I'd make it, I did. And for the most part, I'm doing just fine.
Sending everyone here a hug and encouragement to get through the next few days.
Feeling Lost, A year! That is something to celebrate. You're still here. You're still sane. You're still opening your heart to the world. Why are you still on high alert? Because you learned from what happened to you. You learned that to let your guard down is to be unprepared for the pain of betrayal. So, really, your brain is responding in "normal" post-trauma way to such a shock. There comes a time, however, when you need to challenge your brain's response -- when you need to recognize that this high-alert response is harmful, that it's getting in the way of enjoying right now because you're always scanning the horizon for threat. As for whether it's "easy" for you husband to move past this, I suspect it's easier than it is for us. But anyone with a conscience, with a moral compass, won't find it "easy" because they're too aware of the pain they caused. Ideally, you and your husband can talk about it openly. You should be able to tell him that you find it difficult that it seems "easy" to him...and then hear his response. It might not be as easy as you think.
Feeling lost You did it! The whole first year! That was a really hard one for me! Listen to Elle she knows how hard and long triggers take to get through and not have a meltdown! We all know! My experience with my h, he can tell when I've been triggered now but when I told him that I thought it was much easier for him to just pretend that it never happened and he explained that the truth is he gets triggered just as often and he floods with guilt and shame just as deep as the first day we spoke about his affair! He just deals with it differently. He's capable of compartmentalism and I have to let it all out! I've struggled hard with anger! I'm still a work in progress! Hugs!
Feeling lost, Good for you making to one year! It is hard to imagine on dday that it is possible to move forward. And I agree with Elle it is normal and expected somewhat to be on high alert. I have felt the same way. I am now at 20 months past dday. My therapist a few months ago did not pressure me but said at a certain point I need to allow myself to be more vulnerable vs so guarded. Of course this was based on what I have been reporting regarding my husband's behaviors and also our relationship as a whole. I know he is totally right but it is another thing doing it. I know it is taking me time. I am trying to allow it to happen more and more but it is gradual.
Based on what your husband is saying I think Elle is right to ask him. I asked my husband and he has two thoughts. One thought is he is so happy now and so glad that part of his life is done. He hated himself for 10 years and could not even look in the mirror. He felt like a terrible husband and father but felt there was no way out. So he never thought he would get a second chance like I gave him. So he really worked hard and has put it behind him. He does understand why it is harder for me. He obviously knew this was all going on and even "broke up" with the one over a year before dday and had only had random email contact with the other one for 5+ years. So he was over it and them just living with the guilt and shame and hiding it. So he felt like he was granted a new life and said that makes him feel amazing. But he has told me he thinks about it every day and is reminded of what he has done daily. He gets reminded at his work, tv, movies, books, conversations with others etc. And he said he will never get over it or forget what he has done. I think too whether since he is a man or just him he is able to compartmentalize better than me which helped him in the first place have the affairs but that helps him now. He is better at living in the present which I am working on.
Feeling Lost, congratulations for making it through a year. I'm 18 months out. When my husband disclosed to me (6/14/2015) I gave myself a year to think things over, experience fully the pain, figure out if I wanted to blow up my children/grandchildren's lives and to see if he was capable of getting his life back online. It took months to get to the bottom of things and the truth was shocking, ugly, disturbing and disgusting from my point of view and his too. I am just now getting to the point where I can manage to not be on "high alert" every waking moment. It took a lot of work to get to this point. Oh I still have triggers and thoughts and feelings and dreams but I am much better able to sort them out. I agree with Hopeful 30 that my husband is also reminded every day in many ways of how his choices in life were so detrimental to him, us and our family. I don't think he has ever really let himself think about how he let his children down emotionally but they are now adults and doing well for the most part. I realized yesterday after reading something that I am at the point now where I know where the door is and I have a pretty good idea of how well I would function if I walked out that door. (pretty well actually) I am still here and we are both fully committed to our marriage and moving forward with a new marriage relationship and it is pretty good. We live in the present and not in the past. I'm now embracing the thought that all those past memories that I thought were false/wrong/lies are actually my own memories of those experiences. I did have happy, joyful and wonderful times with my family and friends, even as he was lost in his own fantasy world of lust and whores. Well that is his problem and not mine. Today, I am happy and it is good. You will get there too. Much love.
Ladies I'm so sorry for the pain anyone who has to live through this hell! I'm one of the ones who tries to give hope for those with truly willing h that realizes it's not about him and his needs anymore! There really are a few good men that wake up and see what they stand to lose for their selfish choices. I'm so grateful for the ladies I've met here! I've shared my hurt and anger and I'm trying to share my joy without gloating. I'm trying so hard but again this isn't about my cheating h and his issues, it's about finding true joy. My daughter finally met the man of her dreams and he proposed last Christmas Eve in the church that they met in and they were married in August of this year and they bought their first home this week and tonight they blessed us with news that we're to be grandparents in July of next year! Life can be normal again and praise be to God, there can be joy after betrayal of the worst kind.... Thank you all for allowing me to share my joy! My prayers for all is just a glimmer of peace and joy!
Congratulations on the news Theresa! My love for my children and grandchildren at times over the past 18 months was the only thing between living and death. I'm over that now. The pain will come and go I am sure but I feel stronger now than ever. I am also hoping that all of us can find a sliver of peace and joy as we move forward into a new year.
Theresa, that's amazing news; congratulations!!! What a blessing that sweet baby is to your family. I hope your daughter has a happy, easy pregnancy. Enjoy grandmotherhood. I'm so happy for you.
It's been four months since I received a picture of my husband and another women, changed the locks. We talk every now and then and I'm trying to get past the why, what's wrong with me and empower myself. God knows after the third man in a serious relationship with me has bailed in one way or another I am feeling low. I am coming back up on the outside but the inside is taking longer.
It's been four months since I received a picture of my husband and another women, changed the locks. We talk every now and then and I'm trying to get past the why, what's wrong with me and empower myself. God knows after the third man in a serious relationship with me has bailed in one way or another I am feeling low. I am coming back up on the outside but the inside is taking longer.
As always, Elle, the right words at the right time. Yesterday was my first anti-versary. I made it an entire year when I never thought I would. It was tough for me but my h never said a word. He told me the other day (again) that it's in the past, nothing to worry about, he's learned his lesson, hated himself when he was carrying on with the ow. Why is it so easy for them to leave it all in the past but for us it's always there in so many little things that trigger mind movies and such. I really try not to dwell on it. H has a fantastic attitude, says he is happy, we do so much more together, we're planning a trip together after Christmas. I don't know why I am always on high alert.
ReplyDeleteI am thankful for all the words of advice and encouragement here - where everyone understands what I'm going through. When I never thought I'd make it, I did. And for the most part, I'm doing just fine.
Sending everyone here a hug and encouragement to get through the next few days.
Feeling Lost,
DeleteA year! That is something to celebrate. You're still here. You're still sane. You're still opening your heart to the world.
Why are you still on high alert? Because you learned from what happened to you. You learned that to let your guard down is to be unprepared for the pain of betrayal. So, really, your brain is responding in "normal" post-trauma way to such a shock. There comes a time, however, when you need to challenge your brain's response -- when you need to recognize that this high-alert response is harmful, that it's getting in the way of enjoying right now because you're always scanning the horizon for threat.
As for whether it's "easy" for you husband to move past this, I suspect it's easier than it is for us. But anyone with a conscience, with a moral compass, won't find it "easy" because they're too aware of the pain they caused. Ideally, you and your husband can talk about it openly. You should be able to tell him that you find it difficult that it seems "easy" to him...and then hear his response. It might not be as easy as you think.
Feeling lost
DeleteYou did it! The whole first year! That was a really hard one for me! Listen to Elle she knows how hard and long triggers take to get through and not have a meltdown! We all know! My experience with my h, he can tell when I've been triggered now but when I told him that I thought it was much easier for him to just pretend that it never happened and he explained that the truth is he gets triggered just as often and he floods with guilt and shame just as deep as the first day we spoke about his affair! He just deals with it differently. He's capable of compartmentalism and I have to let it all out! I've struggled hard with anger! I'm still a work in progress! Hugs!
Feeling lost, Good for you making to one year! It is hard to imagine on dday that it is possible to move forward. And I agree with Elle it is normal and expected somewhat to be on high alert. I have felt the same way. I am now at 20 months past dday. My therapist a few months ago did not pressure me but said at a certain point I need to allow myself to be more vulnerable vs so guarded. Of course this was based on what I have been reporting regarding my husband's behaviors and also our relationship as a whole. I know he is totally right but it is another thing doing it. I know it is taking me time. I am trying to allow it to happen more and more but it is gradual.
DeleteBased on what your husband is saying I think Elle is right to ask him. I asked my husband and he has two thoughts. One thought is he is so happy now and so glad that part of his life is done. He hated himself for 10 years and could not even look in the mirror. He felt like a terrible husband and father but felt there was no way out. So he never thought he would get a second chance like I gave him. So he really worked hard and has put it behind him. He does understand why it is harder for me. He obviously knew this was all going on and even "broke up" with the one over a year before dday and had only had random email contact with the other one for 5+ years. So he was over it and them just living with the guilt and shame and hiding it. So he felt like he was granted a new life and said that makes him feel amazing. But he has told me he thinks about it every day and is reminded of what he has done daily. He gets reminded at his work, tv, movies, books, conversations with others etc. And he said he will never get over it or forget what he has done. I think too whether since he is a man or just him he is able to compartmentalize better than me which helped him in the first place have the affairs but that helps him now. He is better at living in the present which I am working on.
Feeling Lost, congratulations for making it through a year. I'm 18 months out. When my husband disclosed to me (6/14/2015) I gave myself a year to think things over, experience fully the pain, figure out if I wanted to blow up my children/grandchildren's lives and to see if he was capable of getting his life back online. It took months to get to the bottom of things and the truth was shocking, ugly, disturbing and disgusting from my point of view and his too. I am just now getting to the point where I can manage to not be on "high alert" every waking moment. It took a lot of work to get to this point. Oh I still have triggers and thoughts and feelings and dreams but I am much better able to sort them out. I agree with Hopeful 30 that my husband is also reminded every day in many ways of how his choices in life were so detrimental to him, us and our family. I don't think he has ever really let himself think about how he let his children down emotionally but they are now adults and doing well for the most part. I realized yesterday after reading something that I am at the point now where I know where the door is and I have a pretty good idea of how well I would function if I walked out that door. (pretty well actually) I am still here and we are both fully committed to our marriage and moving forward with a new marriage relationship and it is pretty good. We live in the present and not in the past. I'm now embracing the thought that all those past memories that I thought were false/wrong/lies are actually my own memories of those experiences. I did have happy, joyful and wonderful times with my family and friends, even as he was lost in his own fantasy world of lust and whores. Well that is his problem and not mine. Today, I am happy and it is good. You will get there too. Much love.
DeleteI'm tired today, been sick for days. This comes at the right time. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteLadies
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for the pain anyone who has to live through this hell! I'm one of the ones who tries to give hope for those with truly willing h that realizes it's not about him and his needs anymore! There really are a few good men that wake up and see what they stand to lose for their selfish choices. I'm so grateful for the ladies I've met here! I've shared my hurt and anger and I'm trying to share my joy without gloating. I'm trying so hard but again this isn't about my cheating h and his issues, it's about finding true joy. My daughter finally met the man of her dreams and he proposed last Christmas Eve in the church that they met in and they were married in August of this year and they bought their first home this week and tonight they blessed us with news that we're to be grandparents in July of next year! Life can be normal again and praise be to God, there can be joy after betrayal of the worst kind.... Thank you all for allowing me to share my joy! My prayers for all is just a glimmer of peace and joy!
Congratulations on the news Theresa! My love for my children and grandchildren at times over the past 18 months was the only thing between living and death. I'm over that now. The pain will come and go I am sure but I feel stronger now than ever. I am also hoping that all of us can find a sliver of peace and joy as we move forward into a new year.
DeleteTheresa, that's amazing news; congratulations!!! What a blessing that sweet baby is to your family. I hope your daughter has a happy, easy pregnancy. Enjoy grandmotherhood. I'm so happy for you.
DeleteIt's been four months since I received a picture of my husband and another women, changed the locks. We talk every now and then and I'm trying to get past the why, what's wrong with me and empower myself. God knows after the third man in a serious relationship with me has bailed in one way or another I am feeling low. I am coming back up on the outside but the inside is taking longer.
ReplyDeleteIt's been four months since I received a picture of my husband and another women, changed the locks. We talk every now and then and I'm trying to get past the why, what's wrong with me and empower myself. God knows after the third man in a serious relationship with me has bailed in one way or another I am feeling low. I am coming back up on the outside but the inside is taking longer.
ReplyDelete