Can I change my mind, can I let my wall down, can I trust my husband again and truly believe in him? 16 months out, most days my answer is yes. Other days, triggers and images are so strong that I think no. Some days i worry that it's 'can't live with him, can't live without him'. I feel like I'm wresting all the time. My h honestly couldn't do anything more than he's already doing - but I still don't know if I can accept the past and build a new future, even though most days it's already happening. I hope 2017 brings more clarity in my mind. I don't know if this message even makes sense. I'd love to hear from anyone who's felt utterly confused & doubtful of their decisions. Some days I even believe we may have another baby things feel so good, the next I still can't believe everything he did and put me through and can't bear to look at him. Sigh.
Coping, I struggle with this too--the not knowing if this is the life I want. When he's not on a trip for work, everything seems great. solid. a good choice for me. Then when he goes out of town (which he does every week) my mind wanders. "Is he really another person out there in the world? Am I being taken in? Do I want to live with this level of uncertainty?" Sometimes I think I'm at my witts end, and then he comes home. Warm. Present. Open... It's a roller coaster. I keep thinking back on the words that Elle wrote one time about stopping myself to ask what the source of my information is. If it's my own mind and fear, better collect some more information. If it's based on hard evidence or facts, then I can take it in and use it to make decisions. There are some things that I will not get answers about ever, and that's where I wrestle most (what were these OW thinking then and now? What exact words did he whisper to them? What do I still not know?). I am in limbo and may just have to get used to living there. I am clear with myself about what I will tolerate and not tolerate from him going forward, and I am learning to take care of myself and listen to my heart. It's not easy! I, too, would like a 2017 with less back-and-forth!
Greetings sisters. Christmas has a negative hold on me from childhood and this year I've been mostly able to cruise. A couple of triggers brought me to my knees and my mouth spewed some nasty stuff to my husband yesterday. I am trying desperately to not do this but sometimes I just feel hatred for him and his life choices. He always tells me it is not my fault, that he has a broken mind, that he made bad choices and that he is sorry for everything. He is really doing a good job living a moral, clean and honest life but my trust of him may never be restored after 38 years of deception and lies. I love reading the posts and feel so much compassion from wives to spouses who are moving in the right direction. My mind is Public Enemy No.1 for me. It is inhabited by a vile creature that encourages hateful thoughts about my spouses past behavior. Just when I feel like I'm going to make this life a good one, I get side-tracked. Yesterday, Terri St. Cloud had a blog post on Anger. Wow, can I relate to that. I get so angry that I have to deal with this crap at my age. I mean seriously, WTF? We have a very busy life until we leave for Phoenix Jan. 1 and that busy-ness does not help me at all. Changing my mind to feel compassion and empathy for my husband makes sense. It is the practical application that challenges me. Crazy how the coin flip can me heaven or hell. The anger just boils at times and I want to lash out and really, really inflict emotional pain on him like he has on me. Then I get calm. I may need to change my name to Volcano Girl and call it good. Love to all. Peace to all of us.
I know that the only way to move forward from this annhilliation is to accept change. That my life will never be the same. It may be close, we will try to make it, but no matter what it will never be the same. Maybe it can be good again, I just don't know.
The hardest part for me is that I didn't ask for this change. I didn't do anything wrong. Why am I paying the most severe consequence for this horrible choice I didn't make? I was the stupid obviously naive wife who thought my husband of 15 years, whom I've been with for 19 would keep his promise. The only choice I made was to love and trust him. Why am I the one who gets to pay the price for his weaknesses and her disgusting motives?
I had to make the choice to stay or go, to kick his sorry butt out or to let him stay even though I cannot stand the thought of him, let alone the sight. Had to decide if a shot at the true love I thought we had was still there. A shot at one day not hating his guts. A shot at one day truly knowing I am better than those people whow did this to me. At believing his confessions are truth and his desperate plea for just one chance to show me how sorry he is.
It's been a few months since my discovery that the one person I truly trusted and believed in beyond everything, was a fraud. Had lied to me about some things out entire relationship, and had chosen to do something he knew would poison my soul forever. There are layers,and deeper issues. He is working on himself and changing. I see his efforts. And I wonder how it is so much easier for him to embrace the change than me. I am ok with change, but this change was forced not willing.
How do I embrace a change I do not know how to handle? How do I take all this pain, and sadness and anger and hate and make it a post over force for this change? I am so lost my sisters in sorrow. I feel so alone. I want to scream until I cannot make a simple whisper. How do I take control of this change?
I feel exactly the same way you do. 2 mos from dday. Complicated because the A happened so long ago. He almost left me for her. It was a family member. Other people in our family knew. I had no clue. I can't imagine life not being married to him. And I can not imagine that I will ever get over the enormity of what he did, who he did it with, what he said to her about me, how many people knew, etc. I keep praying for God to unburden me from the PTSD of reliving it over and over and over in my mind.
I don't know how to get past my obsession of the other woman. I had a great marriage for 33 years. My husband seemed to be going thru some kind of depression. Honestly an affair was the last thing on my mind. I found a work text, only about work stuff but it got me thinking about the way he'd been acting so I began to question some thing. The defenses came out like never before. Almost a year of him telling me he should have never lied to me about some things and although it looked bad, there was no affair. We have grown kids with some younger grown ones still living at home. He was throwing me under the bus in front of them which really made me realize something was wrong. After months of this, I found him hiding thousands of dollars from me and left him for almost two weeks. He begged and pleaded for me to come home but we never went back to marriage counseling like he promised. We had been to two disasterous ones. He now says he's so sorry for the lies and way he treated me and wants to just move forward. It's so hard because I swear this woman taunts me on fb. I do check her stuff sometimes..
Oh beach girl. How I can relate. I have been married 35 years and found out 8 months ago that the one person I trusted lied and had an affair for 2 years or more. I don't know if I should stay or go. What does one do at this age? Do we stay because it's easy? Maybe...do we stay because we are financially okay...maybe. wow I never thought I would be making these decisions...I thought I would be making retirement plans...now not so sure. Any advise?
I'm so sorry I missed your post. None of us can tell you what to do. What we can do is encourage you to give yourself the time and space to figure it out. There isn't a "right" way through this. Is your husband doing anything to support you right now? Is he fully acknowledging the pain he's caused and does he want to rebuild a relationship with you? If the answer is no, then that's a pretty clear indication that you're in this marriage alone. However, if he's willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild a marriage with honesty and respect, then staying is an option. But it's up to you. If you're not in therapy, I would encourage you to find someone with whom you can unpack everything that's happened and really get to the root of what you want for the rest of your life. I don't think anyone should shift their values based on their age. But sometimes it takes time to get clear on your next right step. That's all you need to know right now. Not a week from now, or a month from now, or a year from now. What does your next right step look like?
I don't know why I can't make a decision on this? What is wrong with me? I cringe when I think of them together. I cringe when we have sex. I cringe when he wants to hold me close. Maybe that is a sign that I really don't want to be with him. I just don't know how to get past the affair,the lies and betrayal and just carry on like it never happened. Right now I don't know what I want for the rest of my life. I want to be loved and happy. I thought I was loved so how do I think it will be different now? I can not just shut off whether I love someone or not. I care for him but not sure if I will ever love him again. It is a very different feeling now.
I think most of us could have written (and maybe even did) your exact words. I had no idea what I wanted. I just knew I wanted the hurt to end. I HATED him. But, wait, no I didn't. Yes, I did. And round and round I went. The one thing we talk a lot about on this site if giving yourself permission to be confused. Giving yourself the time to sift through the wreckage and figure out what's worth saving, if anything. Our culture doesn't have much patience for uncertainty. Are you two in counselling? Is he? Are you on your own? Cringing is a pretty normal response right now. What he did feels repulsive. Your marriage feels (indeed is!) completely unsafe right now. He has made it clear that he can't be trusted. So...you get to choose whether you give him the opportunity to be a better person. Or whether you don't. There isn't a "right" choice. And it can take time to make that choice. That's perfectly okay. Right now your priority is on you. Being gentle with yourself. Being kind to yourself. Figuring out what you need to begin to heal. You get to set the parameters of the relationship. And slowly, with time, the path before you becomes more clear. What you want becomes more clear. For now, just focus on your next right step. Not the ten steps down the road, just the next one.
My husband left me. Until now he still would not admit about the affair and I know for a fact that they are already open to the OW's co-workers. He is making me look bad to his family. He always lies. He does not care who he hurts as long as his image is clean. He is very selfish. He does not want get an annulment. I told him that he should be open about this since he was the one who left, and he was the one who did not want to fix the marriage. He says that he still thinks of me everyday and that he would not be the same without me. We only have minimal communication and we have not seen each other for 3 weeks. He is currently living in his parents house since his parents would not allow him to leave. Is there still hope for our marriage? It is so hard. Please help me.
I'm so sorry I missed this post. And I'm so sorry for what he's doing to you. I would strongly encourage you to move forward without this guy in your life. His words and his actions simply don't align. He's telling you that you matter to him but he's SHOWING you that you don't. You need to value your self enough to walk away from him. He sounds like a child who needs to grow up. I know it's excruciating. But I think sticking with this guy simply means a whole lot more pain to come.
Dearest Elle Thank you for your words. It gives me comfort among all of my chaos. My husband wants to buy me things. Whatever I want. Including a new property for a new start. I have always told him he doesn't need or have to buy me things. I just want to simply be happy and be loved. I struggle with even taking this new step. What if I decide this isn't what I want. He says I will likely never believe him again. I don't know what he expects me to say. I believed in him before and look where it got me? It will be one year on April 3. He has changed and says he knows he will never have another chance and he would not risk our marriage again. He wants us to work. Is that a good start? I still have my memories of them together...that is something I will always have and he will sways have someone else.
Anonymous, One year isn't very long when trying to heal from betrayal and I think you're experiencing pretty "normal" feelings of hesitation. It sounds as if his desire to buy you things is his way to make this up to you. But if it feels wrong then tell him so. Tell him exactly what you need from him. And then...give yourself time to absorb all this. Three to five years is the standard time that experts say it takes to heal from betrayal. The memories will fade. And, assuming you and your husband continue to rebuild your marriage, they'll be replaced by better memories. But, again, time. And a consistent message from him that you matter and that he's willing to let you to take the lead in healing.
Dear Elle I so want to believe he is wanting to rebuild and want me to regain his trust again. It is just so darn hard to do. I have a good day and then I question my every move and everything I say. I so want to be relaxed and happy but find if I get too comfortable he will think it was all okay. It is so hard for me to think about making the right decision.
How do you deal with intimacy? I find it so hard and almost degrading. Why can't I just move on with my life. Coming up to one year and still feels so raw.
Can I change my mind, can I let my wall down, can I trust my husband again and truly believe in him? 16 months out, most days my answer is yes. Other days, triggers and images are so strong that I think no. Some days i worry that it's 'can't live with him, can't live without him'. I feel like I'm wresting all the time. My h honestly couldn't do anything more than he's already doing - but I still don't know if I can accept the past and build a new future, even though most days it's already happening. I hope 2017 brings more clarity in my mind. I don't know if this message even makes sense. I'd love to hear from anyone who's felt utterly confused & doubtful of their decisions. Some days I even believe we may have another baby things feel so good, the next I still can't believe everything he did and put me through and can't bear to look at him. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. Just feel lost sometimes. Searching for that clarity. Hope you find yours my friend.
DeleteCoping, I struggle with this too--the not knowing if this is the life I want. When he's not on a trip for work, everything seems great. solid. a good choice for me. Then when he goes out of town (which he does every week) my mind wanders. "Is he really another person out there in the world? Am I being taken in? Do I want to live with this level of uncertainty?" Sometimes I think I'm at my witts end, and then he comes home. Warm. Present. Open... It's a roller coaster. I keep thinking back on the words that Elle wrote one time about stopping myself to ask what the source of my information is. If it's my own mind and fear, better collect some more information. If it's based on hard evidence or facts, then I can take it in and use it to make decisions. There are some things that I will not get answers about ever, and that's where I wrestle most (what were these OW thinking then and now? What exact words did he whisper to them? What do I still not know?). I am in limbo and may just have to get used to living there. I am clear with myself about what I will tolerate and not tolerate from him going forward, and I am learning to take care of myself and listen to my heart. It's not easy! I, too, would like a 2017 with less back-and-forth!
DeleteGreetings sisters. Christmas has a negative hold on me from childhood and this year I've been mostly able to cruise. A couple of triggers brought me to my knees and my mouth spewed some nasty stuff to my husband yesterday. I am trying desperately to not do this but sometimes I just feel hatred for him and his life choices. He always tells me it is not my fault, that he has a broken mind, that he made bad choices and that he is sorry for everything. He is really doing a good job living a moral, clean and honest life but my trust of him may never be restored after 38 years of deception and lies. I love reading the posts and feel so much compassion from wives to spouses who are moving in the right direction. My mind is Public Enemy No.1 for me. It is inhabited by a vile creature that encourages hateful thoughts about my spouses past behavior. Just when I feel like I'm going to make this life a good one, I get side-tracked. Yesterday, Terri St. Cloud had a blog post on Anger. Wow, can I relate to that. I get so angry that I have to deal with this crap at my age. I mean seriously, WTF? We have a very busy life until we leave for Phoenix Jan. 1 and that busy-ness does not help me at all. Changing my mind to feel compassion and empathy for my husband makes sense. It is the practical application that challenges me. Crazy how the coin flip can me heaven or hell. The anger just boils at times and I want to lash out and really, really inflict emotional pain on him like he has on me. Then I get calm. I may need to change my name to Volcano Girl and call it good. Love to all. Peace to all of us.
ReplyDeleteI know that the only way to move forward from this annhilliation is to accept change. That my life will never be the same. It may be close, we will try to make it, but no matter what it will never be the same. Maybe it can be good again, I just don't know.
ReplyDeleteThe hardest part for me is that I didn't ask for this change. I didn't do anything wrong. Why am I paying the most severe consequence for this horrible choice I didn't make? I was the stupid obviously naive wife who thought my husband of 15 years, whom I've been with for 19 would keep his promise. The only choice I made was to love and trust him. Why am I the one who gets to pay the price for his weaknesses and her disgusting motives?
I had to make the choice to stay or go, to kick his sorry butt out or to let him stay even though I cannot stand the thought of him, let alone the sight. Had to decide if a shot at the true love I thought we had was still there. A shot at one day not hating his guts. A shot at one day truly knowing I am better than those people whow did this to me. At believing his confessions are truth and his desperate plea for just one chance to show me how sorry he is.
It's been a few months since my discovery that the one person I truly trusted and believed in beyond everything, was a fraud. Had lied to me about some things out entire relationship, and had chosen to do something he knew would poison my soul forever. There are layers,and deeper issues. He is working on himself and changing. I see his efforts. And I wonder how it is so much easier for him to embrace the change than me. I am ok with change, but this change was forced not willing.
How do I embrace a change I do not know how to handle? How do I take all this pain, and sadness and anger and hate and make it a post over force for this change? I am so lost my sisters in sorrow. I feel so alone. I want to scream until I cannot make a simple whisper. How do I take control of this change?
I feel exactly the same way you do. 2 mos from dday. Complicated because the A happened so long ago. He almost left me for her. It was a family member. Other people in our family knew. I had no clue. I can't imagine life not being married to him. And I can not imagine that I will ever get over the enormity of what he did, who he did it with, what he said to her about me, how many people knew, etc. I keep praying for God to unburden me from the PTSD of reliving it over and over and over in my mind.
DeleteI don't know how to get past my obsession of the other woman. I had a great marriage for 33 years. My husband seemed to be going thru some kind of depression. Honestly an affair was the last thing on my mind. I found a work text, only about work stuff but it got me thinking about the way he'd been acting so I began to question some thing. The defenses came out like never before. Almost a year of him telling me he should have never lied to me about some things and although it looked bad, there was no affair. We have grown kids with some younger grown ones still living at home. He was throwing me under the bus in front of them which really made me realize something was wrong. After months of this, I found him hiding thousands of dollars from me and left him for almost two weeks. He begged and pleaded for me to come home but we never went back to marriage counseling like he promised. We had been to two disasterous ones. He now says he's so sorry for the lies and way he treated me and wants to just move forward. It's so hard because I swear this woman taunts me on fb. I do check her stuff sometimes..
ReplyDeleteHi elle.....pls help me..my fiance betrayed me...nxt mnth my mrrg s fixed....wat to do...
ReplyDeleteSammy,
DeleteCan't tell if your post is spam. Can you please elaborate, using full words rather than short-form. Hard to read your message.
Oh beach girl. How I can relate. I have been married 35 years and found out 8 months ago that the one person I trusted lied and had an affair for 2 years or more. I don't know if I should stay or go. What does one do at this age? Do we stay because it's easy? Maybe...do we stay because we are financially okay...maybe. wow I never thought I would be making these decisions...I thought I would be making retirement plans...now not so sure. Any advise?
ReplyDeleteAny comment Elle or beach girl?
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry I missed your post. None of us can tell you what to do. What we can do is encourage you to give yourself the time and space to figure it out. There isn't a "right" way through this. Is your husband doing anything to support you right now? Is he fully acknowledging the pain he's caused and does he want to rebuild a relationship with you? If the answer is no, then that's a pretty clear indication that you're in this marriage alone. However, if he's willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild a marriage with honesty and respect, then staying is an option. But it's up to you. If you're not in therapy, I would encourage you to find someone with whom you can unpack everything that's happened and really get to the root of what you want for the rest of your life. I don't think anyone should shift their values based on their age. But sometimes it takes time to get clear on your next right step. That's all you need to know right now. Not a week from now, or a month from now, or a year from now. What does your next right step look like?
DeleteI don't know why I can't make a decision on this? What is wrong with me? I cringe when I think of them together. I cringe when we have sex. I cringe when he wants to hold me close. Maybe that is a sign that I really don't want to be with him. I just don't know how to get past the affair,the lies and betrayal and just carry on like it never happened. Right now I don't know what I want for the rest of my life. I want to be loved and happy. I thought I was loved so how do I think it will be different now? I can not just shut off whether I love someone or not. I care for him but not sure if I will ever love him again. It is a very different feeling now.
ReplyDeleteThoughts Elle?
ReplyDeleteI think most of us could have written (and maybe even did) your exact words. I had no idea what I wanted. I just knew I wanted the hurt to end. I HATED him. But, wait, no I didn't. Yes, I did. And round and round I went.
DeleteThe one thing we talk a lot about on this site if giving yourself permission to be confused. Giving yourself the time to sift through the wreckage and figure out what's worth saving, if anything. Our culture doesn't have much patience for uncertainty.
Are you two in counselling? Is he? Are you on your own? Cringing is a pretty normal response right now. What he did feels repulsive. Your marriage feels (indeed is!) completely unsafe right now. He has made it clear that he can't be trusted.
So...you get to choose whether you give him the opportunity to be a better person. Or whether you don't. There isn't a "right" choice. And it can take time to make that choice. That's perfectly okay. Right now your priority is on you. Being gentle with yourself. Being kind to yourself. Figuring out what you need to begin to heal. You get to set the parameters of the relationship. And slowly, with time, the path before you becomes more clear. What you want becomes more clear. For now, just focus on your next right step. Not the ten steps down the road, just the next one.
My husband left me. Until now he still would not admit about the affair and I know for a fact that they are already open to the OW's co-workers. He is making me look bad to his family. He always lies. He does not care who he hurts as long as his image is clean. He is very selfish. He does not want get an annulment. I told him that he should be open about this since he was the one who left, and he was the one who did not want to fix the marriage. He says that he still thinks of me everyday and that he would not be the same without me. We only have minimal communication and we have not seen each other for 3 weeks. He is currently living in his parents house since his parents would not allow him to leave. Is there still hope for our marriage? It is so hard. Please help me.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry I missed this post.
DeleteAnd I'm so sorry for what he's doing to you.
I would strongly encourage you to move forward without this guy in your life. His words and his actions simply don't align. He's telling you that you matter to him but he's SHOWING you that you don't. You need to value your self enough to walk away from him. He sounds like a child who needs to grow up.
I know it's excruciating. But I think sticking with this guy simply means a whole lot more pain to come.
Dearest Elle
ReplyDeleteThank you for your words. It gives me comfort among all of my chaos. My husband wants to buy me things. Whatever I want. Including a new property for a new start. I have always told him he doesn't need or have to buy me things. I just want to simply be happy and be loved. I struggle with even taking this new step. What if I decide this isn't what I want. He says I will likely never believe him again. I don't know what he expects me to say. I believed in him before and look where it got me? It will be one year on April 3. He has changed and says he knows he will never have another chance and he would not risk our marriage again. He wants us to work. Is that a good start? I still have my memories of them together...that is something I will always have and he will sways have someone else.
Thoughts Elle?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteOne year isn't very long when trying to heal from betrayal and I think you're experiencing pretty "normal" feelings of hesitation. It sounds as if his desire to buy you things is his way to make this up to you. But if it feels wrong then tell him so. Tell him exactly what you need from him.
And then...give yourself time to absorb all this. Three to five years is the standard time that experts say it takes to heal from betrayal. The memories will fade. And, assuming you and your husband continue to rebuild your marriage, they'll be replaced by better memories. But, again, time. And a consistent message from him that you matter and that he's willing to let you to take the lead in healing.
Dear Elle
ReplyDeleteI so want to believe he is wanting to rebuild and want me to regain his trust again. It is just so darn hard to do. I have a good day and then I question my every move and everything I say. I so want to be relaxed and happy but find if I get too comfortable he will think it was all okay. It is so hard for me to think about making the right decision.
Elle?
ReplyDeleteHow do you deal with intimacy? I find it so hard and almost degrading. Why can't I just move on with my life. Coming up to one year and still feels so raw.
ReplyDeleteElle?
ReplyDelete