Monday, March 13, 2017

The Light Inside You

"Thank-you for seeing the light inside of me," said a teenager to the woman had welcomed her to the family dinner table.
It's what we all want, isn't it? For the world to recognize and value the light inside us? The one that burns with our fiercest dreams, our deepest love, our most creative impulses.
Over the years, that light can grow dim. Under the burden of caring for everyone else, we can forget to feed that fire.
And then, hit by betrayal, it's easy for that light to get extinguished altogether. For everything to go dark, including our heart.
But healing from betrayal can do something too. It can breathe on those dying embers and bring them back to a flame. It can reignite that fire inside, the one that had been ignored for so long.
It can remind us that we are not just a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, an employee. It can, if we give it the chance, bring us back to life.
I would have told you I was happy back before D-Day. And, if I put aside a simmering resentment about everything I did that I felt unappreciated for, I was happy. Or happy-ish. Or rather, I thought I should be happy. After all, I had three healthy kids, a beautiful home, work that I enjoyed. I had friends. I even loved my husband, with a side of resentment. To not be happy felt ungrateful. Like tempting fate. There were people, I knew, who envied my life.
Looking back, however, I was performing. Trying so hard to be the perfect...everything...that I had nothing left for me. Rather than try new things, I stuck with what felt safe. I didn't venture out of my comfort zone because, well, what if I failed? What if that long-held but barely acknowledged fear I had – that I wasn't good enough – turned out to be true? What if all the smoke and mirrors I had created to fool everyone into thinking I was more than I was, fell away and I was left, naked and exposed? A fraud. I could almost imagine the gasps. And the laughter.
And so I played it safe. And in the process, my inner light grew dim.
You know what happened next. What I thought was "safe" was anything but. My marriage became a minefield. Turned out, my husband's role of dedicated husband was a total fraud.
And I came face to face with some uncomfortable truths. If I was going to carry on with my life, I was going to do things differently. I've written elsewhere about going into something of a cocoon. Much of that was pure survival but it also led to a transformation. Having stripped away so much of what didn't matter in my life, or what had become toxic, I was left to figure out what did matter. How was I going to shape my life – far more consciously this time – into one that fed my inner light?
And that, ultimately, is the question facing all of us. Betrayal just shakes us out of our complacency sometimes. It forces some of us to realize that our inner light was almost dead.
How are you going to shape your marriage into one that nourishes your soul? How are you going to shape your work into something that fuels your inner light? What about your friendships? Your caregiving? Your hobbies?
If we approach life with that single goal – how do we tend our inner light? – no matter how external circumstances change, we will be living an authentic, rich life.
Thank you all for seeing the light inside of me. This site has helped me fuel it, to get back in touch with what delights me.
And thank-you for sharing your light with all of us. Even those of you just embarking on this tough tough road to healing have something to share with us. You might not yet see it. But we do. And we're grateful for it.




22 comments:

  1. Oh my word this is my every day struggle! Trying to find myself again...outside of being defined as wife, mother, daughter or nurse...I absolutely love your analogy of being in a cocoon. I couldn't put my finger on why I was so withdrawn and comforted by the inwardness. I am trying to rediscover me...and not the me that is defined by my accomplishments, the inner me defined by my spirit.

    My whole world is changing around me at once. I am now 15 months out of DDay, and my youngest child is graduating high school and taking off for college in a few months. So being defined as wife and mother is getting a serious make over! Life as a nurse is status quo. So, I need to use this life transforming event to transform what matters most...the inner me. Certainly I do not have any answers, but I have started working on the easy parts and quick fixes. I have gotten closer to God, signed up for a medical missions trip to Bolivia, started working out again, etc. I am looking forward to what butterfly will bloom out of this cocoon state. honestly I appreciate this piece so much as it gives me peace and permission to be in this state so that I CAN transform! Thank you for all you do!

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  2. THANK YOU Elle for this post. For me it is spot on. We are 16 months out from d-day. We are both working hard to re-build our marriage but the discovery of his A has caused me to totally re=evaluate my life...my goals...what makes me happy. As you mentioned , I discovered that I have been going through life tucked into my comfort zone; Fearful to try new things. I am a nurse and have been in the same field of nursing for 30+ years upon reflection I realized that I don't want to do this kind of nusing any more. I am ready for something different . It is very liberating.For the first time in many years I feel strong. Thank you

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  3. Thank you for this post! All so true and so easy to relate to. Today is our 2 year anniversary for dday 1. I will never be happy with what my husband did but I am thankful that it came out and we are both in such good places individually. Our relationship/marriage is at a place I would have never imagined two years ago. I am thankful we both made the hard choice to stay and put the work in as individuals and together. It was not easy and I am sure there will be more hard times but it has been worth it. I think going through this together has brought our marriage to an entirely different level I did not know was possible. It seems odd to say that but I do feel that way. I have new confidence since I am amazed at how I dealt with this and how I am stronger than I never knew. My husband sees that too. And for us we have been brought closer by being there for each other.

    Thank you to Elle for all the right words at the right time. It sticks with me to not worry too far ahead and just the next right step. That saved me. Thank you for listening and sharing your story and feelings. Thank you to everyone on here. To feel the support and hear "me too" meant the world and still does. Thank you!!!

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    1. Hopeful 30,
      Happy antiversary. I feel so comforted to hear from so many who have made it out stronger from this experience years out. My 1 year Dday anniversary is coming up in a few weeks, and the next right step for me is to figure out how I want to spend that day. I did come up with one part of it today... I'm going to buy a large gift card at a running shoe store near by and give it to my MC with a note of encouragement about self care. I've asked her to give it anonymously to a newly betrayed spouse she comes across in her work sometime soon. My thought is that an early suggestion of exercise for anxiety/depression and the fact that she's not alone.. that some stranger cares about what happens to her... might be helpful. Basically that's what I get from all of you (so thank you again!) Now I'm working on planning the rest of my day. I think a facial or a massage for sure is in there somewhere. :-) I want this day to be one I look forward to instead of dread. A day that is a celebration of how far I've come and a day to reflect on what I can still do and contribute.

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    2. Ann, That is a great idea. I think that is so smart to pay it forward. We can all share so much. For me fitness is still my go to in helping me day to day. I really see the dday antiversary as a positive day. I am not saying it is easy or all great but it is a miracle I am still standing and honestly happier. So glad we all have each other. I can't wait to hear what else you have planned!

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  4. So much of what you write here reflects my experience. I felt exactly the same way before Dday. Happy-ish, just trying to get through, accepting what I assumed was the life everyone else wanted so I might as well appreciate it... and I did. I can't say I will ever be glad to have gone through this, but I do not want to trade what I've learned here and been empowered to claim either.

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  5. Yes, these challenging days can bring us the chance to refind what brings light to our lives. I have a lot of fearful excuses to discard and a long journey to figure out how to rediscover my brightness. This blog is a source of light and warmth for that process. Shine on, Elle!

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  6. I lost my passion for baking. I just found that it brought bake so many bad memories of this time. Little by little I've been able to do it again. Sometimes it seems more like a drudge then what my passion was but I do it. Hopefully someday it will be my passion again. One thing that it did do was make me creative in other ways. I went to art school when I was younger and I have started painting again. I also found a new passion for hiking with my husband. It is something that we make time to do with each other and to me that is part of our healing.

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  7. So much of this is true for me. I thought I ought to be happy, but mostly I was incredibly lonely. Thanks for putting my thoughts and experiences into words, so often Elle. xoxo

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  8. When it rained that Dday it poured a whirling realization to an ah ha moment the dots connected like rapid fire as he spewed the most shattering words and sunk my heart with deception so far fetched and delusional thinking it takes my breath away still some daysort and other i shake my head and on my knees on the bathroom floor my light went out or so i thought. But I wasn't crazy ... nope that little voice inside I tried to quiet or be talked out of was actually right... i thought I had it all and I do but something wasn't right ... i changed now we are changed 6 mo past dday tham also was hit with a physical injury which required surgery and limitations that dragged on for 12 weeks where I had no choice but to ask him for help. In a 6 mo period I knew the most excuritaing pain both mentally and physically the road to reevaluation long and rugged but worth it im relegating my light with communication self care and a new outlook on things people that matter. 22 mo out its different but authentic I would have preferred a tap on the shoulder to get where I am vs a trip to heartbreak and flatness. I'm smiling again and I had a recent shift maybe to see his pain or a understanding no matter what it happened I can't change and while some data I think that sucks it happened to me .. it surely sucks more for him to have to think I did this and that's something he cant change. But he and I can change the way we act and things we do today. Still here together working on this everyday. Blowing you ladies all a little wind to help lighthe and grow your flames

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  9. I've been reading the blog just for a short period now. My D day was two months ago. We've agreed to work things out and are seeing a counselor. 20 years together is a long time. He's really trying but sometimes I can't seem to move passed the overall betrayal. The lies, the sex, the attention diverted to her, the secrets, sometimes I get so angry that I feel we are moving backwards. I know there isn't a timeline, but when will those thoughts take a backseat?

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    1. Traci,
      I'm so sorry this happened to you, but glad you found us. In the early days the thoughts, emotions, and swings can seem overwhelming. With counseling, self-care, and lots of work things will eventually seem more livable (in my experience anyway). I had an individual counselor in addition to our marriage counselor and I exercised with a good Playlist every day to help with depression and anxiety. I had a lot of anxiety. I know it seems so dark right now so much of the time, but there's light all around you. Stay kind to yourself while you're waiting to see it again. Hugs to you! I know those thoughts you're talking about so well!

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    2. Traci, truthfully when those thoughts taking a back seat is different for everyone. Unfortunately there are still several hurtles that you will discover as you go through this nightmare. Most important is this was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Second is the OW is not better than you anyway. She was probably available and that is about it. Think about setting boundaries, like no contact with the AP. Total transparency such as passwords and look at the bank statements. There are questions I posted somewhere about means and motive to ask your H. He will probably continue to lie to you, omit or minimize as most cheaters do. There are so many woman here who will give good advice and tell you the truth. You will discover your strengths and weakness. Cyber hugs coming your way.

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    3. Traci, So sorry you are going through this. I do think it is different for everyone depending on so many factors. I think it is important not to rush or put any sort of timeline on your recovery. I am just two years past dday 1 and we are in a great place. Dday 2 was at 5 months past dday 1. I would say between 10-12 months past dday was when we started to really improve. Up until then it was progressing but a lot of back and forth, up and downs. It felt like a roller coaster ride. Major highs and lows. Dday 2 was really the lowest point for me. At that time I found a therapist and that helped me a lot. My husband is int he mental health field so he chose not to go with me or on his own. He had two affairs over 10 years. He had ended both affairs over a year before dday 1 so that I think helped us progress more quickly. He had ended these affairs and did not want any part of them.

      I think once we were past the initial pain, discovery and then dday 2 what helped the most was my therapist helping and supporting me and the boundaries we set. Leading up to this point we did decide to set a time once a week to talk about the affairs. It was not that we could not at other times but for us it helped lessen the ups and downs. And honestly neither of us wanted to focus on it all the time. I would journal each day. I would then look back at what I had written over the week and I was able to find patterns and see what was really bothering me. This allowed me to focus on what I needed to talk about vs ranting or going off on tangents. My husband was able to work through all of this since it was more focused and not a constant conversation.

      I would say what surprsied me was at one year past dday I really felt in a great place. My husband started to open up more and that suprised me. I just figured he was over it all. We did have times where I struggled with things feeling too normal again. And also my expectations increased a lot for what I wanted from our marriage. My husband was unsure not that he wanted to be with me but if he could really make the changes he needed to in order to be the husband that I expected and he wanted to be. He says and feels it was true for him that it took him six months of committing to change and constant follow through. The boundaries allowed me to get more and more comfortable with him and us.

      Give yourself time and ask lots of questions. I hate to write too much more but I could go on and on. I do not mean this in a bad way but I feel that this will always be a part of our marriage. I see that is good. We both are happy this came out. Of course we wish he never did it but since he did we are both glad it came out and we have dealt with it. We are both so much happier now. But the topic does come up in discussions but in a good way. We are so transparent and supportive now. It is not all easy of course but we are in a great place with a whole new level of respect for each other for the work we have done together.

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    4. Traci, I'm sorry you found the site, but this has been a place that has helped me so much. The women here are fantastic and their support is phenomenal. I'm glad you are seeing a counselor. My h and I had our first MC session the day after Christmas in '15. Healing is on your terms. Everyone is different. I went through the stages of grieving for what I thought was a good/pretty good marriage. I was angry for a period of time too. I was told they would worry if I didn't get angry! I went through every emotion possible. Some days I still do. Hugs, Traci.

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    5. Thank you everyone. Your kind words are especially appreciated. :)

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  10. Oh girls, my light is so dim. I found more (old '09-11) stuff in my husbands work files - photos his married ex-girlfriend (the one who cheated on him and broke his heart) sent him of her holding her newborn, scanned scrapbook photos of them together in high school and college, one of his pets & her that he labeled in '11 "miss them". This was not the COW he had the PA with. This is just one more EA (that makes 4 EA + porn, so much porn). I also found spreadsheets he made in Jan '10, right after the failed attempt to have sex with the COW a 2nd time (had ED) that he was preparing a budget for divorce (never got a lawyer though). I'm in so much pain. I loved my H all those years and he disrespected me over and over and over again. Now he has turned his life around, becoming the responsible adult he should have become 15 years ago. I'm staying for my kids, I don't want them to be a statistic. So, how do I ever find my light again? I'm not sure I even have an ember left. I've lost my self-respect. We've ben together 21 years, married 18. Our youngest is 11. He had the PA when I was pregnant. I need to be held and just cry. This is such a lonely experience.

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    1. I am sorry Browneyedgirl. I don't have much advice as I have the same problem although my youngest is now 16. Reading good books helps, taking the dog out, some self care. I don't like to think of the future much except to help my kids grow up. I do know that I don't want to grow old with this guy and still be unhappy so probably I will leave at some point. But for now, since he is behaving better than he has for years, I have "parked" my marriage and I allow the feelings to wash over me and for time to pass. Take care xx

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    2. Browneyedgirl,
      I'm so sorry. I know that feeling. That sinking feeling. That desperate, alone, "why?" feeling. I hope that the weekend brought you some time to talk with your H and figure out how to fit this new info into what you already knew. I, too, struggle so much when I think of what must have been going through my H's mind during that time. I was likely folding laundry or taking care of his parents or child while he was thinking of some OW. Things are different now, but that doesn't make it any easier to understand how he could DO that then. It's hard to accept all the things he was capable of. I know it's hard for HIM to except all the things he was capable of too. I know that feeling of needing to be held and just cry forever. You are not alone, and I'm sending you lots of hugs today. You deserve peace and connection and reassurance that you are amazing and beautiful.

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    3. Oh Browneyedgirl. My heart hurts for you right now. Yes, this is a lonely experience. I'm so sorry you've discovered more. I'm holding you close and letting you cry. And hoping that by the time you read this you will be a bit better. Are you seeing an IC? Someone to actually listen and let things out to? Journal, that might help too. Hugs to you.

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    4. I found it interesting since my husband told me parts about his affairs (not the entire truth until dday 2) but I found so many other things like a secret fb, secret email with tons of IM's that were not that pleasant. He said he forgot about all those since he had stopped using them and thought the affairs were so bad he just sort of forgot about everything else and never told me. It was all crushing. However he put these behaviors on different levels. They were all bad and hurtful to me. I think that took him a while to understand. And honestly he said he just felt like the affairs were so bad that he forgot about all that other nonsense.

      I think honestly what has helped me the most is seeing how much my husband is still affected by his behaviors still two years after dday. He gets much more emotional than I do and I can tell it still rattles him. Seeing how disgusted with who he was and how he has changed has done it for me. It is still hard especially some days more than others. But I focus on the changes and the good. We are very honest when we talk and I do not sugar coat anything and neither does he which makes me feel better. And really he has gotten so much more expressive. He was always affectionate towards me but he is in constant contact with me if he is not home, wanting to be with me, asking me to meet him for lunch, making me go to bed with him at the same time and his words are so much more meaningful now. All of that is great but his behaviors and decision making are the proof I need every day but I am still vigilant and let him know my expectations.

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