"Mourning is work. It is not simply being sad. It is naming your pain. It is witnessing the sorrow of others, drawing out the shape of loss. It is natural and necessary and there is no healing without it." ~Hilary Mantel, "The Princess Myth"
No wonder we're so exhausted, huh? Mourning is work. It might look like we are doing nothing more than staring at the ceiling while wearing a housecoat with coffee stains but it's more complicated than that. We're mourning. We're working. Hard.
This isn't mere sadness. Sadness implies a mood, with a beginning and an end. Mourning is a process. We might know, intellectually, that it has an end but it feels like a state of being. It feels like loss.
Irreplacable loss.
It is that.
We have lost something. And no matter how much wishful thinking we engage in – and we betrayed warriors are nothing if not fierce magical thinkers – there is no turning back the clock. There is no unknowing what we know.
But what we must be careful of with our magical thinking is rewriting history through rose lenses. Memory is a slippery thing. God knows, we become acutely aware of that when we try to have a conversation with our unfaithful spouse. He can't remember where he was, when he was, WHY he was. And it's likely true. Sometimes he sparing himself our fury. But often he really doesn't remember. His brain is as muddled as ours. He's sometimes as baffled as we are why he did what he did.
And as we cast back, we retrieve memories that shape-shift. Suddenly, the great day at the beach becomes sinister. When he disappeared to get snacks for everyone, was he texting her? Sure there was laughter and tenderness that day. But was it real? And what about the holidays? Was he wishing he was with her even as he carved the turkey? Even as he built LEGO with the kids? Even as we welcomed his family into our home?
Mourning changes everything. It casts a shadow over everything, not just looking forward but backward.
Mourning is work.
It is naming your pain. And your pain is loss. Whether or not your husband remains, he feels like a stranger. You mourn the man you thought he was. You mourn the marriage you thought you had. You mourn the future you thought was safe.
You've lost all that.
Name it.
And witness the sorrow of others, because that's where you'll find safety and community and a place to rest.
Mourning is work.
Hard work.
It is natural and necessary and there is no healing without it.
Exhausting work.
And so you must also make space to rest.
The kickass survival site for anyone who's ever been lied to, cheated on and left for dead.
This is so important. Every feeling I got stuck on related to my H's betrayal had this sense of loss underneath it. Getting in touch with that and sitting with the pain was the key to unlocking me to the next layer (and, thus, forward). I grieve for the loss of the husband and marriage I thought I had, but I grieve for the loss of some parts of me too. For example, I have anxiety about flying. But it's not what you think. My H is a pilot and all 5 OW were flight attendants. As I write this, I'm on a plane that is ground stopped due to weather and my heart pounds heavier each time a flight attendant walks past. I wonder who she's after tonight. I wonder what the pilots are discussing in the cockpit. I wonder if I'll bump into one of the OW or a complicit pilot friend (I know names and faces very well from my supersleuth days).. The old me loved to fly and loved busy airports. The new me doesn't do so well (But honestly, I could be worse. I'm not nauseous like I used to be). I grieve for the loss of some parts of me that I treasured. Parts I wish HE had treasured. But there is so much I've gained too in this "becoming". If I wrote what I lost next to what I've gained on paper, I hope some day the scale tips in favor of my new self. It's getting closer each day as long as I keep looking out for myself and my growth. I'm thankful for this site where we can grieve in community.
ReplyDeleteann - sending you a hug now...just keep breathing while on the flight. You got this! I am so sorry you are so triggered and that it has changed how you feel about flying. I love your analogy of the scale...I pray for all of us it tips in favor of our new self. One step at a time!
DeleteAnn, It really does help to remind ourselves that we're making progress, even if we're not where we want to be yet. I remember reading somewhere that we don't appreciate NOT having a toothache, until we have a toothache. Then we dream of how happy we'll be when we no longer have a toothache. We need to hold onto the "not toothache" feeling when we've got it. Or, in your case, the "not nauseous" feeling.
DeleteThank you for the words of encouragement. They're working! I'm off the flight and waiting at the hotel bar for my H to arrive. I'm surrounded by other flight crews drinking and having fun while I wait. Some tables look like a frat party or a double date. Others look like a book club meeting. Here's the truth: my H chose frat party over book club. It's not all frat parties. I am not having an anxiety attack sitting here! Progress!
DeleteAnn, Good for you managing all those feelings. I have the same feelings during different circumstances that relate to my husband's betrayal. Also you made me laugh so loud about the frat party and book group and him choosing the frat party. Same with my husband. Interesting how he was always the life of the party and the center of it all. What I can tell now is he would gear up and escape yet when he was home he would not be the life of the party and drown in his shame. Not that it was that way every day but there were highs and lows. He always explained it as stress related to work. Since his affairs were both sporadic I have a feeling the highs and lows would go along with when he saw the women. Thanks for the laugh and being so easy to relate to. It helps!
DeleteOh Elle - words that could have come from my heart. Especially this part..."Whether or not your husband remains, he feels like a stranger. You mourn the man you thought he was. You mourn the marriage you thought you had. You mourn the future you thought was safe." I think that is a lot of the anger I am feeling is over this grief right here - I can never unknow what he did...and how I never thought he would. And it's exhausting to look at him now and see the great father he is, or the good husband he is being today and remind myself that he made bad choices, he is not a bad person.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing - always.
People can learn from bad choices. They can make us better people -- kinder, more empathetic. He is who he is in part because of who he was and the choices he made.
DeleteHonor your grief. It's natural and necessary. But trust that you'll continue to heal.
Thank you for the gentle reminder, Elle. This helps me a lot right now...with triggers this time of year, it's a good reminder to let me breathe, grieve, trust that I will heal and even trust in my husband just a bit more. (Hugs) to you dear friend.
DeleteMe again...you all have given such good advice to me so many times and I hope 2018 can give me a chance to give back here even more than I may have already. Need some advice...and Elle you have spoken to this before to me, but sometimes I just need a reminder. Any suggestions on changing the conversation from confrontation (never what I mean but always seems to go that way) to more of open/honest sharing? I use this example...because they still work together, there is interaction. I know this, he knows I know this, but my husband is still "learning" how, what, when to share with me. And being him and a male, he often chooses to just...not share. I don't feel it is necessarily on purpose or that he is hiding things, it is just easier than having a long drawn out conversation (he has told me this before). But because of good ole social media, there are times I've seen them sitting next to each other, or at the same table in large meetings. Times I have asked him about it, others I have not. He will say he knows there can be pictures and sometimes the explanation is it was the last seat when he walked in (small meeting) or they were sitting as a team and that was how it shook out. I often feel like I am making excuses for my husband when I say this, but even given his past history, I know him enough to know that he does not want to make a scene to others. He does NOT want others to know, so he would not want others to know that anything was different between him and this former OW if he made a big deal outside of the norm. DO I totally agree? No – but can I understand? Maybe.
DeleteAnd in learning here I also know that if he wants to cheat with her still or someone else, he can and that is on him, not me. What I know is this - he is home more and sharing more of his work with me. He is working harder when he is at work and it is obvious. He calls me daily at lunch, which in years past he would not even think of me during a day. I believe he has and is changing...but sometimes not fast enough for me. (ha) We connect more at home – holding hands, sharing with each other, having fun, relaxing – marriage is better.
My question is around this - one of my husband's biggest struggles with me is he always feeling like I am testing him. I have purposely not asked him about a picture I saw in social media this week where they are sitting at the same table, across from each other, with 5 other people. And in the picture I can tell the "teams" are sitting together at tables, so it makes sense why he is at the same table with her. But what is the point of asking about it? What I want to work on is our communication in general and helping him understand that he needs to share more for me to really heal. I've told him, I've demanded it, but it's not happening yet.
I also feel I am working on how to tell him “look, I’m done taking the lead on this. I am focused more on me and what I want/need/feel and while I am 100% committed to us and this marriage, I am done carrying the weight of your decisions.” Make sense?
Thoughts? Suggestions? Tips?
Jules
DeleteI’m still working with my h on communication. I can pour my emotions out with plenty of words but my h can not do or say much more than I love you. I don’t have the additional stress of him working or seeing the cow in our world and I’m sure he’s being honest when he says he’s not seen or spoken to her since he filed the harassment charges. It’s always been her that made attempts to reconnect with him and he’s very good with avoiding any and all confrontations. That’s why his affair went on longer than he desired. This said, I’m asking for couples therapy after the holidays because I still feel we need help to learn how to communicate and not go back to how much I struggle with his inability to just talk and me stay civil. It’s a daily choice not to dwell in the past and to keep me in the present. My h has made so many changes in himself and I too am making changes in myself. However we continue to struggle each in our own ways. Sending hugs!
Jules, I agree with you about the testing part. He has clearly shown to you many times that he is a liar, he has demonstrated beyond a doubt he is a liar, he has proven to you he can lie. Even a judge doesn't believe someone after they lied under oath, so why should you. Who would trust an embezzler? So test him until YOU feel safe. Too bad if he gets tired of it - he wasn't too tired to get into the tuna tank. If my H was sitting next to his AP I would throw a hissy-fit. No wonder you have so many doubts. I have been in that corporate world, meeting world, team building BS world. He has CHOICE to sit somewhere else. He does not have to sit by the OW. He is too shy to ask to trade seats with someone to make it clear to her that he doesn't want to be around her? That last seat comment is baloney. So this last seat baloney happens more that once. Just tell him, no matter what you have to do please don't sit by her. It causes me doubt, insecurity, anger and pain so please think of plan B. Then ask him what is plan B? Yes, you make perfect sense to me and I see where you are coming from. I think it is normal. Absolutely normal to feel like you do. If you tell him and he doesn't comply - you have the answer to your deep most inner question. If he can't comply with this simple request then I would have doubts.
DeleteThanks ladies.
DeleteLLP - I hear what you are saying and I think that is where I am, but to see it written out like that hit home. I'm just tired. So tired of demanding, of leading, of worrying, of the heartache. Just done. I don't know that I have the energy to keep trying for things to do better. Who cares. What's the point. Maybe this is as good as it will be and one day I will wake up and realize I'm out. But today - today I have nothing more to give or care about. Just tired and done.
I AM EXHAUSTED.
ReplyDeleteI'm exhausted with:
fear
anger
rage
obsessive thoughts
pain shopping (aka snooping)
brainwashing myself of all the phrases I've heard that may help me
the mind movies
the visions
trying to untangle our memories
trying to understand
trying to eat/sleep/exercise/breathe
the stories I am making up
doing all of the mom things (but I love doing them)
I am also exhausted with HIS anger. Why is he so angry when I get triggered and need to talk?
Anyone else's spouse have so much anger? Has he been able to articulate it?
Spouse of a SA...I could have made that list myself. And your "pain shopping" it only made me laugh because I have never thought of it that way when I snoop or did in the past, but that is exactly what happens. Just today I wanted to look at his e-mail - why? Who knows. Nothing triggered me...but I stopped myself and thought even when he is doing everything right, there are still e-mails I have seen that are absolutely nothing - 100% nothing - but something about it triggers me and then I am stuck in pain all day. So I decided NO...not today! And stories I am making up? I am the queen of that. I can rewrite history...but mostly I write the future always in a negative way and tell myself horrible stories of what is to come and it's all made up. Know I am with you in this list...you are not alone. Let's work to let these things go...together...one check at a time.
DeleteAnger from husband? I would say mine is not angry so to speak, but he will start out listening to me if I am triggered or need to talk but he becomes stand-off-ish sometimes and I always wonder. I suppose it is a form of anger, of not wanting to deal, but sometimes I also wonder if it is just another reminder of what he did and how he hurt me that he just can't handle it. Atleast that is what I hope in some ways - that it is shame and pain he is feeling.
Hang in there!
Spouse of a SA,
DeleteYour husband is angry because every time you need to talk, his shame comes raging back. He is angry because when you say "I am hurt", he hears "you are a horrible person". This isn't about you at all, it's about HIS pain and all the old messages that he's internalized. But, SOASA, his anger is not your responsibility. It is absolutely his responsibility. And he needs to deal with it. He needs to begin to acknowledge it and take steps to manage it. He needs to understand where it's coming from and stop using it, subconsciously or not, to silence you.
He needs to learn to respond to your pain with compassion and remorse. To take responsibility for the pain he's caused you without falling into a shame spiral that makes it all about him instead of about you.
There's a great Esther Perel podcast about this that you and your husband should listen to. She addresses this, not in terms of an SA's anger but his self-absorption. I think you'll find it really helpful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmiKAoAmYSg
spouse of SA, yes my H has anger too, I caught him texting another woman ALOT .. he says that's all it was, but I don't know if I believe that. I want to ! but even so he was texting with her and that took time away from me. I'm always wanting to talk to my H but he always says he doesn't have anything to say, Well not to me, but he finds things to talk to her about..it's been 6 months since my D-Day and I still don't have any answers.. when I found out I told him I wanted to see the text, if they were just talk he shouldn't have a problem with that. well he deleted them before he came home. and anytime I want to talk about it or if I have a question about it he gets all angry and yells at me instead of talking like adults. we had a huge fight the other day over a remark I made about him texting his friends, I was joking, but it didn't matter, he said I see the way you look when my phone goes off.. aw yeah it bothers me cause that's how he was talking to her through text, but he has 7 guy friends who text him ALL the time, and his phone will just keep going off. and it just irks me sometimes.
DeleteI had a steroid shot a few weeks ago and I think it's made things worse for me, I have out burst of crying, anger , rage ,I feel like I'm gonna jump out of my skin, I stopped taking my anti-depression meds a month ago cause I thought I was over the worst of this, but now I don't know. I can't help but think while we're making love if they did this or is my H thinking of her and the list goes on and on.....
I think a lot of his anger is from his kids, they NEVER call or come by unless they want money. we've sent a lot !! but he won't tell them no.. I asked him the other day where were we gonna get money when they drain us of ours? we don't give my kids any...
The snooping, I've become a pretty good detective, I can find out a lot of stuff, I just can't find out what was said in those text. I've read a lot of things that claim they can retrieve deleted text, but I tried that on my own phone and all it did was crash it and I lost everything and had to get a new phone .
Hugs & Good Luck
This is a great post. I feel as we approach three years from dday in March that I bounce between the feeling of mourning and loss and amazing. I guess it is still that roller coaster of feelings, the extremes. The positive is that the good is so good and the low feelings happen less often. It is hard though. I feel at times as if I am the luckiest person ever to be in this place. Then something will hit me and I sink what feels like even lower than ever before. Maybe since the highs keep elevating??
ReplyDeleteRecently my husband went away for one night with friends. This is an annual thing that he had skipped in recent years due to triggers for both of us. This year the friends were pressing him. We had a long discussion and both were apprehensive. It was a great conversation before he decided. He also discussed his plan for the trip/night. One thing that has come out of all of this we both lay it on the line and say what we are thinking. After talking about affairs and his horrible behavior we have gotten good at saying what we think or question. In the end we decided together it would be good for him to go for many reasons.
While he was gone he was in contact often reaching out to me. This helped me a lot. What is most surprising when he got home he said he enjoyed himself and nothing happened but he didn't' want to go again. He said he has changed and it really was not fun or worth it. In the old days pre dday he basically said yes to every social offer which was a lot. He has admitted it was to escape his guilt and not being happy at home since he had betrayed me and our family. Now he is very selective in what he does. I see a major change too in what he enjoys. He enjoys some time with friends but endless days and/or nights of hanging out drinking is not fun for him. I think and he also agrees his drinking got out of control and did not help him feel good about himself. I am pretty sure he would have never had any affairs if he did not drink. And by his own admission his drinking got worse in the later years and even after he ended the affairs. He hated himself so much and used it to escape. When we talked about him going one thing he brought up was his plan of how much he would drink. For him this makes a huge difference. He said it and I agree he is a totally new person. It has been hard and I hate what he did but I am proud of him and how he has changed. I honestly did not think it was possible to make the kind of changes he did. He has started to like himself and feel good about himself. He says to this day each night when he puts his head on his pillow he feels so happy since he has lived each day since dday with transparency. It feels good to be proud of him and his work. I stand back and look at him and I am glad that I hung in there through the worst times. Even during the tricky holiday time I am trying to remind myself to be thankful for all the work and commitment we have both put into this marriage. Hang in there everyone and give it time!
Hopeful30,
DeleteMy husband has had a similar transformation. He chooses to be with his family far more often. When he's away from us, he misses us in a way that, frankly, I do not. But I think he's more acutely aware of what he almost lost.
I'm happy for your husband. He's worked hard to be where he is and you've worked hard to be where you are. That you're able to tackle these things together is amazing.
Spouse of an SA, I wondered at my husband's anger as well especially when I got triggered. It started coming out few months after disclosure. Before then he had been deeply apologetic and remorseful and empathetic. I wondered if he got tired of apologizing. I was like well I need to mourn this and if you can't help me I would do it alone. I also had issues with my own anger and I felt we were having non productive conversations. He later explained to me that he was always in a rage after disclosure. Rage in regards to what he did to us, to me and to himself. My being triggered and hurt brought this rage to the surface. And then after getting angry and showing it he would be mad at himself again for making things worse and his fear of losing me would increase. I'm glad to say he's calmed down quite a bit now and manages his emotions better. As Elle said his anger is not your responsibility. Whatever his reasons are even if he is angry he still needs to treat you with respect. You can let him know what you will and won't tolerate from him when he's angry. One of mine was that he wasn't just allowed to walk away from me in the midst of an argument. If he wanted some space because he was getting riled up he needed to communicate this and then walk away. Encourage him to deal with this anger and understand the source.
ReplyDeleteIt gets better...
Ladies
DeleteI wouldn’t say my h showed anger with but a few words and when I pressed further...he just shut down to keep himself from exploding in the anger you express... my goodness how we describe our emotions! All legitimate to each of us! Hugs!
Will I ever stop feeling lonely ?? It's been 6 months. H still says it was just talk. And he says I don't need to smother him ?? I asked how was I? And he said just don't! How the hell am I suppose to know ?? So I stopped calling and texting him until he text me.
ReplyDeleteBut his friends text him all the time... 100's of times a day. And he still goes places with his friends...I don't have any friends to go do things with.
I feel like he doesn't really care about me... I'll write sweet notes and leave them for him but he never writes back.
I've cried more this year than I have my whole life...
I was in a fender bender yesterday. I text and told him his first words were that's no good ... I'm almost to the point where I don't care anymore. If I'm gonna be lonely I might as well be alone ! I doubt he'd even miss me.
Izzy,
DeleteI don't know the dynamics of the relationship but it sounds as though you're the pursuer and he's the pursued, rather than a relationship of mutual love and caring.
Can I ask why you are still in the relationship? What do you get from it? Can you imagine pulling back from it and seeing what happens? What if you were to put the same energy you put into trying to get HIS attention into focusing on yourself and doing things that please YOU? Often after betrayal, it's time to refocus on you. To almost get to know yourself again, apart from the relationship. To foster relationships with friends, to re-engage with hobbies and interests. To find a way to feel good about yourself, whether or not he's in the picture.
You can't make him become someone he's not. If it's not in his nature to write sweet notes or text you a lot -- and that's the type of person you want and need -- then it sounds like this guy isn't for you. And, given his resistance to your current insecurity and need, he doesn't sound like someone who's willing to support you through the tough times.
Relationships are hard work, Izzy. But maybe this one is too much work and not enough joy.
Izzy, Not sure if it is just the communication and needs that vary, but if it is reading the love language book is helpful. Also Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus were both good. We are total opposites as to what we want and find satisfying in a relationship. Total opposites. My husband's number one is touch and that is my last. So it is hard for me and I have to remind myself and tell myself to touch him. It sounds silly but I do not want or seek that out. I would gain so much more satisfaction if he does the dishes or offers to pick the kids up etc. And I know there could be more to this. For us we had to work through the betrayal then we started to tackle us individually and as a couple.
DeleteIzzy
DeleteI was so jealous of my h ability to carry out a relationship with his cow with text, email, etc... until I realized that was his way of creating distance from himself and her. That said, I tried desperately in the first year and half to have what she was willing to settle for. I realized I deserve better so I began to teach my h what I need going forward. Which for me is a beginning of the day connection and a middle of the day update as well as mid afternoon and early evening and before bed connection. It could either be with calls texts or FaceTime. It’s never the same every day but the consistency is of the greatest importance. He is still a work in progress but a very willing participant! Hugs!
Elle, We have been together 21 years, married 20. He used to be that man, to take me on walks, write me sweet letters and hide them under my pillow or in my panty drawer. he still texts me sweet little things, sometimes. He can be that man again, I have no doubt that he loves me but I just don't know how much anymore or if he's just not in love with me ? He asked me the other day during our fight if I really loved him or did I just love the lifestyle he's given me ? wow... like my life is so great ! If it was just the lifestyle I wouldn't care who he was talking to or doing.. just as long as I could keep my stuff...
DeleteI do have a nice house and nice car . But I work too ! I told him he didn't get here by himself, that I might not make as much money as him, but I have WORKED the whole time we've been together. and I work just as hard or harder than him, cause if we are working the cows or building fence or building a barn or whatever I'm right there by his side working just as hard. I help take care of a 92 yr old lady and take my mom to the dr. when needed . I also have a full time job. I'll get home before him and I'll do the yard work or feed the livestock and his dogs , just so he can rest when he gets home, but all that does is free up more time for him to go do what he likes to do.. while I sit at home and do the house work, cause nobody else is going to... I've always told him that I'd still be with him if we lived in a hut.. I don't wish for things out loud because he used to go get it, but I've always told him those were material things and all I WANT is him and his time! But maybe it's him who loves the lifestyle I've given him?? Well he feeds the livestock and his dogs now, since I brought that to his attention a while back. but I do everything else, I even pack his suitcase when he goes out of town.
it all started cause we were at this 92 yr old ladies house ( I help her cause she has no family ) he sat in his truck on his phone texting, well after about 10 minutes I took a pic of him through the glass door. well he seen me so he came in and asked why I was taking his pic? I told him I was going to text it to him and say " Get off that phone " lol... just joking with him, well that pissed him off ! we went to get her some milk , while we were in the store he got 48 more text.. he left his phone in the truck , well we were gonna go to the movies but instead we fought all the way there and back . didn't even see the movie. He told me he didn't go to a meeting earlier this month cause she (the whore) would be there, but he told me he wasn't going cause it didn't pertain to him, I said if you would have gone I would go with you, he said that's why I didn't go, cause you might do something. I said I went in Sept. and she ( Whore ) was there and I was lady like and didn't say or do anything, even though I wanted to snatch that bitches fucking head off ! I asked him since we were fighting just what does her husband know ? well ex-husband now. he must know something since he sent you a pic of the divorce papers...He said there was nothing to know ! they just talked about the meetings !
He said " you know I thought we had a great marriage !" I said " yeah I thought so too !" until I looked at the phone bill. and seen how much you talked to (Whore) And how little you talked to me . while he was gone from sunday night at midnight till wed. evening my H SENT that whore 296 text and he SENT me 15. but for that month there were over 1,000 between them and only 150 between us. that's sad... he used to hang on my every word, but now he barely hears me.
But I think he was already in an ill mood before I made the phone comment, cause his kids are always asking for money, well turns out his son had asked for money that morning, over the last few months we have sent his kids over $4,000. and I try to keep my mouth shut cause I know that if I don't it will cause another fight I can't win. but I didn't save all my life to give it away, we don't help my kids . his son always needs money for rent or for his phone... he does drugs, so I'm sure that's what he needs it for. he has a pissy little job, and lives out of state, never calls unless he needs money and is always saying I'll come see you soon. well he comes home to see his mom every other weekend but never comes to see his dad. and his daughter is just as bad she has a baby and is pregnant again and her H is lazy and doesn't work, ( he can't keep a job ) but she doesn't mind asking my H for money all the time, and she never calls or text either unless its for money. we have paid their bills several times now and it's getting old...cause she will go to her mom's too and she has to drive past our place to do that but she never stops, I know it's got to be hurtful to my H that the only time his kids come around or call or text is when they need money. But I know we'll see them for Christmas, cause they'll get money...
DeleteI think he was upset over the son needing more money and when I said that about the phone he used me as a scapegoat to vent his feelings that day.
Do you think he is still caught up in the affair/fantasy/fog aspect of it even if there is no contact. I personally thing the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is just a lame excuse. My husband used that on dday. And just man up and say you are not in love with me. But guess what he couldn't since he still did love me. And I know for sure he loved the life I created for him, our kids and our family. The line for my husband at least was an excuse and one more way he could justify his horrible actions. My husband took 100% responsibility from day one however it took him time to see how the i love you but I'm not in love with you was not reality. And if he was not in love with me he should have left me.
DeleteMy suggestions is to work through everything related to the affair. Then at a certain point it became more about what kind of marriage I wanted. We had many discussions after dday about phone use, contact during the day, how he was going to live his life etc. I did certain months show him charts of how much he texted etc. He was way higher than our teenager which I already thought was a lot. I basically told him he needs to change his ways and that after going through dday and all of his bad decisions I have very high expectations. And I told him I love him but I want a certain life. It has nothing to do with material objects or lifestyle in that way but how I want to live my life and what I want in return. This has been an almost 3 year process.
Izzy, sounds like he’s enabling his kids by throwing money at them vs facilitating a relationship. That’s not really a relationship handing out money. Teach him how to treat you. It sounds as if he thinks right now that your relationship is there because he provides for you. Tell him what you want out of a marriage. He seems still in an affair dog and can’t commit to be honest. Tell him he needs to try out your new relationship rules out until year end and see if that improves relations. You are the only one trying at this point. Make a list and turn the conversation to you and your needs.
DeleteIzzy,
DeleteIt's almost impossible to "diagnose" people's relationships based on one spouse's assessment. But, from what you're saying, it sounds as though he's just plain unhappy -- for a whole lot of reasons -- and you're being blamed for it. We talk a lot about boundaries on this site, usually in the context of betrayed wives learning to set them, but it sounds as though he needs to learn to set them too. That he needs to figure out how to have relationships that honour his needs/wants and that aren't poisoned by resentment because he's doing things he doesn't want to do (I'm referring primarily to what you wrote about his kids).
And it sounds too as though you two need to get back on the same "team" -- to realize that you both want the same thing and you want it together. And that takes learning how to really hear each other and respect each other's input.
Can't recall if you've said you're in counselling together but, if not, I would encourage it. It really doesn't sound as though either of you wants to be out of the marriage -- but you need to learn how to be in it in a way that's healthy for both of you.
Ann, your so brave, it can’t be easy boarding a plane having the anxieties you have, but your doing it for yourself And that’s key isn’t it!! Like you said if you keep looking out for yourself you will continue to grow.. Ann enjoy this time away wherever the destination may be, know your in my thoughts.. happy holidays my friend xxx
ReplyDeleteIzzy - I would agree with Elle. It’s normal to feel lonely with the surmountable pain and that you can’t share it to the world. You should not feel lonely with him in the house. It sounds like he’s not ready to improve...even try or make amends and that’s his issue. You can’t make someone fix things.
ReplyDeleteSorry you are feeling this way. Try and get involved with something. A yoga class, painting class or a small group where you can have connections outside your home.
What bothers me in this journey of mourning is still being triggered after 2 years. And that awful pit comes back into your stomach and you catch your breath. Two of the women I now work with think it's funny that I still have problems 2 years out and talk about me in joking way. Both have had numerous marriages. I keep my mouth shut and just do my job but this is why I have trust issues with other women. Especially the ones who pretend they are your friend and do things like this or go after my husband. The other woman in this mess had posted on her pinterest how she needed something more then coffee but less than cocaine. I was feeling bad one day and looked at what she was pinning. She pinned a few other digs at us but I didn't respond to her like she wanted but I did show my husband. He said that she wanted me to respond to her and I didn't take the bait this time. It's just better to stay silent.
ReplyDeleteCathy
I had to read this post again. I am a year and a half post-DDay and a few months past divorce. I had to remind myself of the process to grief and the work I am doing. Today I am struggling and panicking and crying. So what did I do? I looked at my ex-husband's social media and then his girlfriend's. She was the affair partner, the one he said didn't matter/was just sex/wasn't his girlfriend. The one he left me for. The one he is still with 2-ish years after he found her on a sex website and told her how awful his marriage was so that she would sleep with him.
ReplyDeleteOne of the above comments called it pain shopping. That's exactly what is was.
So now I need to get back to the work of grieving. Today I am stuck and sad. Today I hit a bump in the road.
It is reassuring to read that I am not alone, that feeling this pain and sadness after 18 months is ok.
Hugs.