It is amazing that for the past week or so I have felt like I am on the rise. Very timely post. I really like how powerful this feels inside of me. I've been able to look at my spouse and be very detached from the strong emotions that arise around certain topics. I'm shocked to be able to sit across the room from him and really look at him without feeling anger or hate. Even when I look at him and know what he did his entire life, well before me, I'm just emotionally detached. He does not represent the person I thought I married at all but I'm able to accept what he has to offer me right now. It's our last chance for the last dance and so far we are finding a nice rhythm.
Limbo: an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition. "the fate of the Contras is now in limbo" synonyms: in abeyance, unattended to, unfinished; suspended, deferred, postponed, put off, pending, on ice, in cold storage; unresolved, undetermined, up in the air, uncertain; information the back burner, on hold, treading water, in the balance
This is where I find myself today. It's uncomfortable as I'm feeling the conflict of the past while I feel the excitement of the future. It's a good place to be. I'm glad I'm here as I feel very optimistic about my future. I feel honored to be in this place a little over a year past DD2. How far I've come to be me one again, without fear and orchestrated with my choices. Love to you all
I think the hardest part is that the descent is so fast. It’s crashing! The rise is so damn slow, yet looking back, it’s probably good that it’s slow. Nothing to be changed happens fast. I made it through my 20th Anniversary yesterday with no triggers (2 years, 8 mo post Dday)
One thing I’m sure all of you have discovered is there is no Anniversary card that can be purchased except a blank one. The words are all wrong. But I guess me writing it out is the best. Marriage is hard and cards don’t have to be gushy or filled with phrases that aren’t true. They just need to be real. I kind of like the idea of a memory jar. Not so much 20 year memory jar but a post Dday memory jar. Things are way better between us and we are on the rise!
For those that are new here and working on things with your H, you will survive this awful descent. It’s a nice thought that as you rise up you can make it all new and what YOU want.
I’m two days past my heart cath procedure and I have had my h by my side the entire time. I knew that I had a few clogged arteries but nothing major. I have had the toughest year ever caring for my mother after the pacemaker months and now her heart attack and kidney failure. I refuse to allow my health to deteriorate the way she did. I still have a few more tests to follow up with on my heart, but I feel confident that I made some pretty good changes after dday with the weight loss and exercise and food choices I make for myself. I’m looking forward to the future with my h and I’m trusting that my mothers dr. will ease her suffering as she ends her lonely life that she chose after my step dad died 17 years ago. It’s been sad watching her waste her life these years and I refuse to waste mine. Looking forward to healthier happier new year! I’m rising to greater heights!
Theresa, Wishing you a speedy recovery. You are right! Your healthy choices are bound to serve you well now. You deserve every happiness and a quick return to your healthy self. Hugs!
Please read : Pope Francis’ New Year’s message yesterday was brilliant, and worth a read:
“You can have flaws, be anxious, and even be angry, but do not forget that your life is the greatest enterprise in the world. Only you can stop it from going bust. Many appreciate you, admire you and love you. Remember that to be happy is not to have a sky without a storm, a road without accidents, work without fatigue, relationships without disappointments.To be happy is to find strength in forgiveness, hope in battles, security in the stage of fear, love in discord. It is not only to enjoy the smile, but also to reflect on the sadness.It is not only to celebrate the successes, but to learn lessons from the failures.It is not only to feel happy with the applause, but to be happy in anonymity. Being happy is not a fatality of destiny, but an achievement for those who can travel within themselves. To be happy is to stop feeling like a victim and become your destiny's author. It is to cross deserts, yet to be able to find an oasis in the depths of our soul. It is to thank God for every morning, for the miracle of life. Being happy is not being afraid of your own feelings. It's to be able to talk about you. It is having the courage to hear a "no". It is confidence in the face of criticism, even when unjustified. It is to kiss your children, pamper your parents, to live poetic moments with friends, even when they hurt us. To be happy is to let live the creature that lives in each of us, free, joyful and simple. It is to have maturity to be able to say: "I made mistakes". It is to have the courage to say "I am sorry". It is to have the sensitivity to say, "I need you". It is to have the ability to say "I love you". May your life become a garden of opportunities for happiness ... That in spring may it be a lover of joy. In winter a lover of wisdom. And when you make a mistake, start all over again. For only then will you be in love with life. You will find that to be happy is not to have a perfect life. But use the tears to irrigate tolerance. Use your losses to train patience. Use your mistakes to sculpter serenity. Use pain to plaster pleasure. Use obstacles to open windows of intelligence. Never give up .... Never give up on people who love you. Never give up on happiness, for life is an incredible show.” Pope Francis
I thought we had hit bottom and were on our way up but today my husband got arrested for shoplifting. Yet another lie about where he was and obviously what he was doing. I feel paralyzed. Seems there is no more hope but I don't know what to do next. very worried about my kids. Tough end to this year. All trust gone. There is obviously something very broken in his character and his personality I feel so ashamed and foolish that I have been married for 20 years without seeing it sooner I am shattered.
I am so sorry. You're husband is self-destructing. What you need to do right now is protect your kids as much as possible, detach from your husband's behaviour as much as possible (ie. leave him to deal with the consequences of his actions), and practice as much self-care as you can manage. There is no reason for you to feel ashamed and foolish. You loved someone who has some broken pieces inside. That's nothing to be ashamed about. But protect your kids, assure them that life will go on, that dad is capable of dealing with the consequences of his poor choices and that they are loved and safe. And then remind yourself of that too. I know this feels like hell but you'll get through it.
It is amazing that for the past week or so I have felt like I am on the rise. Very timely post. I really like how powerful this feels inside of me. I've been able to look at my spouse and be very detached from the strong emotions that arise around certain topics. I'm shocked to be able to sit across the room from him and really look at him without feeling anger or hate. Even when I look at him and know what he did his entire life, well before me, I'm just emotionally detached. He does not represent the person I thought I married at all but I'm able to accept what he has to offer me right now. It's our last chance for the last dance and so far we are finding a nice rhythm.
ReplyDeleteEncouraging words to go along with the freshness of a new year!
ReplyDeleteElle...as usual, your timing is impeccable.
ReplyDeleteLimbo:
an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition.
"the fate of the Contras is now in limbo"
synonyms: in abeyance, unattended to, unfinished; suspended, deferred, postponed, put off, pending, on ice, in cold storage; unresolved, undetermined, up in the air, uncertain; information the back burner, on hold, treading water, in the balance
This is where I find myself today. It's uncomfortable as I'm feeling the conflict of the past while I feel the excitement of the future. It's a good place to be. I'm glad I'm here as I feel very optimistic about my future. I feel honored to be in this place a little over a year past DD2. How far I've come to be me one again, without fear and orchestrated with my choices. Love to you all
I think the hardest part is that the descent is so fast. It’s crashing! The rise is so damn slow, yet looking back, it’s probably good that it’s slow. Nothing to be changed happens fast.
ReplyDeleteI made it through my 20th Anniversary yesterday with no triggers (2 years, 8 mo post Dday)
One thing I’m sure all of you have discovered is there is no Anniversary card that can be purchased except a blank one. The words are all wrong. But I guess me writing it out is the best. Marriage is hard and cards don’t have to be gushy or filled with phrases that aren’t true. They just need to be real. I kind of like the idea of a memory jar. Not so much 20 year memory jar but a post Dday memory jar. Things are way better between us and we are on the rise!
For those that are new here and working on things with your H, you will survive this awful descent. It’s a nice thought that as you rise up you can make it all new and what YOU want.
I’m two days past my heart cath procedure and I have had my h by my side the entire time. I knew that I had a few clogged arteries but nothing major. I have had the toughest year ever caring for my mother after the pacemaker months and now her heart attack and kidney failure. I refuse to allow my health to deteriorate the way she did. I still have a few more tests to follow up with on my heart, but I feel confident that I made some pretty good changes after dday with the weight loss and exercise and food choices I make for myself. I’m looking forward to the future with my h and I’m trusting that my mothers dr. will ease her suffering as she ends her lonely life that she chose after my step dad died 17 years ago. It’s been sad watching her waste her life these years and I refuse to waste mine. Looking forward to healthier happier new year! I’m rising to greater heights!
ReplyDeleteTheresa,
DeleteWishing you a speedy recovery. You are right! Your healthy choices are bound to serve you well now. You deserve every happiness and a quick return to your healthy self. Hugs!
Best wishes, Theresa. Thinking of you at this time of recovery and renewal.
DeletePlease read :
ReplyDeletePope Francis’ New Year’s message yesterday was brilliant, and worth a read:
“You can have flaws, be anxious, and even be angry, but do not forget that your life is the greatest enterprise in the world. Only you can stop it from going bust. Many appreciate you, admire you and love you. Remember that to be happy is not to have a sky without a storm, a road without accidents, work without fatigue, relationships without disappointments.To be happy is to find strength in forgiveness, hope in battles, security in the stage of fear, love in discord. It is not only to enjoy the smile, but also to reflect on the sadness.It is not only to celebrate the successes, but to learn lessons from the failures.It is not only to feel happy with the applause, but to be happy in anonymity. Being happy is not a fatality of destiny, but an achievement for those who can travel within themselves. To be happy is to stop feeling like a victim and become your destiny's author. It is to cross deserts, yet to be able to find an oasis in the depths of our soul. It is to thank God for every morning, for the miracle of life. Being happy is not being afraid of your own feelings. It's to be able to talk about you. It is having the courage to hear a "no". It is confidence in the face of criticism, even when unjustified. It is to kiss your children, pamper your parents, to live poetic moments with friends, even when they hurt us. To be happy is to let live the creature that lives in each of us, free, joyful and simple. It is to have maturity to be able to say: "I made mistakes". It is to have the courage to say "I am sorry". It is to have the sensitivity to say, "I need you". It is to have the ability to say "I love you". May your life become a garden of opportunities for happiness ... That in spring may it be a lover of joy. In winter a lover of wisdom. And when you make a mistake, start all over again. For only then will you be in love with life. You will find that to be happy is not to have a perfect life. But use the tears to irrigate tolerance. Use your losses to train patience. Use your mistakes to sculpter serenity. Use pain to plaster pleasure. Use obstacles to open windows of intelligence. Never give up .... Never give up on people who love you. Never give up on happiness, for life is an incredible show.”
Pope Francis
Wanted to share this with my wonderful ladies xx
Love this. Thanks Sam A.
DeleteBeautiful
DeleteSam A this meant so much to me. Thank you
DeleteSam A.,
DeleteThis is so inspiring! I cried as soon as I started reading It. At least the Pope gets us! I will read this every day!!!!
Thank you for sharing!
I thought we had hit bottom and were on our way up but today my husband got arrested for shoplifting. Yet another lie about where he was and obviously what he was doing. I feel paralyzed. Seems there is no more hope but I don't know what to do next. very worried about my kids. Tough end to this year. All trust gone. There is obviously something very broken in his character and his personality I feel so ashamed and foolish that I have been married for 20 years without seeing it sooner I am shattered.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. You're husband is self-destructing. What you need to do right now is protect your kids as much as possible, detach from your husband's behaviour as much as possible (ie. leave him to deal with the consequences of his actions), and practice as much self-care as you can manage. There is no reason for you to feel ashamed and foolish. You loved someone who has some broken pieces inside. That's nothing to be ashamed about. But protect your kids, assure them that life will go on, that dad is capable of dealing with the consequences of his poor choices and that they are loved and safe. And then remind yourself of that too. I know this feels like hell but you'll get through it.
Delete