Yep! You encounter hopefully way more friends on a daily basis and the h being your #1. Since Dday I’ve learned lots about myself and I’m stronger as a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. It’s important to teach people how to treat you and be vocal. And I can say I’ve found my voice and courage from many of you!!
In this case the friend I am standing up to is my husband. He was my friend first, I thought that despite our significant struggles and real stresses and losses in our lives that he was there for me. After four years of 'healing' I discover he is still lying to me and having inappropriate friendships. He moves to the couch (been there 8 weeks), he takes up a depression and anxiety course, we go to counselling. There is so much connection between us, so much commonality and good stuff but the counselling is revealing how deep his issues go and it's still not clear if he can move away from his pattern of making himself feel better by getting ego boosts from people who he treats as objects (emotional affairs and inappropriate friendships, plus porn). I now know how far from an adult and real relationship there was between us. I am here, I am not throwing fits, I am going to the counselling, I am affectionate but there is still the safety of us separating sexually and in sleeping arrangements (though i miss it, it's a necessary boundary). I have stood up and said I won't be dismissed any more, have him make excuses, lie, act defensively, make me a party to his own messed up psychology. It is so hard though because it has taken far too long for me to pick myself off the floor and help myself take a stand and I still have no security, no clarity about the future, so much wasted time and so much heartbreak and now all the emotion the counselling brings up alongside the still real and continuing life difficulties (business and money problems.)I am in a much better place myself, I'm doing meditation, Steven Stosney's rewiring and self-esteem bolstering techniques, a superb free online anxiety and depression course from local depression service but this road is too long and I've no way of knowing whether my husband's significant psychological issues that lead him into this will be resolved or, at least got under control.
FOH, it sounds as though, whatever path your husband takes, YOU are on the right path for you. Kudos to you for taking charge of what you need right now.
I love Harry Potter and the wisdom that these books shares. Brene Brown is a big Harry Potter fan. I can see where all challenges big or small can learn something from these books. That courage and fighting for what we want is worth it.
I’m not sure where to post this I can’t find the location where Elle suggested a podcast. I just listened to that podcast by Esther Perel on addiction that Elle recommended. What really hit me I still feel like I have a lot of shame for staying. There is a stigma I feel that staying people will perceive me as weak with low self esteem. And I know that I’m not a weak and I don’t have low self-esteem I don’t know why I really care what people think but I find it embarrassing. I’ve only been able to share my story here and with my sister in law and in therapy.
I have posted on here my son is dealing with a drug addiction and he’s in a recovery facility. Last weekend we had group family therapy with 5 other family’s. Well it was intense it was for 2 days from 9:00 to 5:00. My son brought up my husbands affair and how it hurt him and the struggles he felt. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that all these people looked at me as this weak women, and I know they probably didn’t but thats how I felt.
I really do feel like my marriage is in a good place. My H has not been self adsorbed over his own pain that he was dealing with, and focused on the pain he caused me and his kids. But I still carry this shame for staying any thoughts? My 2 year DDay is coming up Dec 30th and I feel this shame I have for myself is really holding me back with recovery.
Hiking Girl, I think that is normal. And I don't think any of us should feel shame. I think it is mainly due to how society portrays betrayal. I honestly did not know much about betrayal until it happened to me. I would like to have thought I would have been understanding if a friend came to me even just to listen. I am sure I would have been kind but I have a feeling in my head I would have been thinking; I wonder what she did or didn't do, I bet they did not have much sex, They focused too much on their kids, They focused too much on their work.... But now I know it is not the way I see it on tv, movies or in books.
Only my husband and I know. My therapist too. That is it. Even the two ow do not know. When each person contacted him after dday we decided together to ignore them and block their numbers. He had already broken things off 15 months before dday so there was no regular contact. So really no one knows. I struggle with this feeling that I am fake. He has told me I can tell whoever I want to. In the end I decided against it since I did not want it getting back to my kids and I did not feel any of my friends or family would be helpful.
I am going to listen to that podcast as it sounds like a good one. The only other thing that helps me is I tell myself that I have no idea what anyone else is dealing with. Honestly I had no idea what my husband was dealing with for all these years and we were best friends. He was hiding it from everyone.
Thinking of you, your son and your husband. That is a lot to deal with. For us as we approach ddays etc it helps for us to talk about it coming up and how to cope or do things differently. Thinking of you!
I listened to the same podcast and sat at my desk crying when Esther spoke as the wife wondering if she had ever questioned her self esteem, self worth, and asked if she ever wondered what was wrong with her for staying - I shook my head YES YES YES.
Like you, I do NOT have a low self esteem and I am definitely NOT weak. We are EXTREMELY strong for staying; isn't this the hardest thing you have ever had to do and deal with? And you're still here - WOW.
I have the same thoughts and feelings as you, but please understand that when you die, no one will be standing over you saying "what a weak woman", they will be saying "what an amazing person".
I am so sorry about your son, you are dealing with so much. Please be easy on yourself and know that life throws us some very hard curve balls (all of us, not just those of us who have been betrayed).
It's easier sometimes when I tell myself that Life knows what it's doing.
Spouse of a SA thank you, yes this is the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with in my life. My therapist has told me often staying is not a weakness it shows strength to fight and decide if you will stay of move on. I really think last weekend really triggered me, my husbands affair with prostitutes was brought up in a group of people. I felt like I was being stabbed again talking about personal stuff in a group setting, I’m a pretty private person. Thank you for your kind words they are very much appreciated.
I thought this would never happen to me, who really thinks the man there married to will cheat on them. Unfortunately if I’m completely honest if one of my close friends came to me with my story and told me she was going to work on her marriage and give him a 2nd chance. I would have wanted to shake her and say no you cant he doesn’t deserve it. Boy have I grown so much in my views in everything in the last 2 years. But 2 years ago I would never had understood why anyone would not kick there sorry ass husband out.
I think you hit the nail on the head with you struggle with this feeling of feeling fake. Right now what we have is real, I love my husband and he is my best friend. But I felt fake at this group therapy session. My H knew I was struggling, at breaks he would grab my hand or hug me give me a little kiss letting me know he was there for me he knew it was difficult that I was being triggered. But I felt like are relationship was so fake in everyones eyes, how could I love and forgive someone that hurt me so badly. And I question myself why do I give a shit what others think, I’ve never been really concerned what people think about me. Am I judging myself???
It really is nice to hear that what I’m feeling is normal, I know with DDay coming up I may be extra sensitive at this time…
Hiking Girl, Yes I think totally normal. For me the best thing is knowing it is not just me. I know I judge myself. For me it comes from all those years of not knowing. I would have had to hire a private detective since both affairs were sporadic. But for me I think it is me judging myself for not knowing. Even though I know that it is not my fault. I am sure I am not making sense at all. But I do get it. I question myself all the time. I want to protect myself and get it right this time. I do not want to be naive or clueless like before. I know there is no way to full proof but based on how my husband lived and the direct questions I asked him I am hyper vigilant. Any question I ever asked him he had a reason. All valid too. And he would go through highs and lows of being more like himself.
I think it is great your husband seems to get it and reaches out to you in his own way. I try to focus on that and I do acknowledge my husband's efforts. It helps. One thing that is at odds for me talking helps me where for my husband it does not help him, it is the last thing he wants to do. Always a balance!
For all of you, That stigma is so pervasive. And powerful. But it lies to us. It tells us that strong women leave. And yet there isn't a woman on this site who isn't fighting like hell, who isn't so strong and so resilient. Betrayal is devastating and figuring out to face each day when our world has been shattered takes so much guts. But I know that it's one thing to know this and another thing to truly feel it. What has helped me is realizing just how many women I know who are dealing with infidelity -- amazing beautiful strong women. It has helped me to understand that "good" people can do "bad" things. Your son, Hiking Girl, is a case in point. He is learning to take responsibility for the poor choices he has made around drug use -- and that takes courage. I don't imagine you think the "right" decision is to toss him aside and move on. It has helped me to understand that none of us EVER knows the whole of another person's story, especially their marriage. What looks perfect on the outside can mask all sorts of dysfunction, even if there isn't cheating. This isn't to say everybody's marriage sucks so I shouldn't feel bad that mine does (did) too. It's to say that we need to bear our own struggles with pride -- pride in facing them, pride in healing from them. I take pride in the community I created here from my own pain. And you have no idea how your honesty within that group might have given others permission to face their own pain. Even if they aren't dealing with infidelity, they might down the road. And they might remember the courage with which you faced it. Hiking Girl (and others), I wish I could help you move past the shame. As Perel says, it's the "new" shame -- being able to leave and choosing to stay. But as long as it IS a choice, then own it. Give yourselves credit for the courage it takes to swim upstream and do what's right for you. Where's the satisfaction in leaving when it isn't what you actually want? That's cowardice, to cave to cultural expectations rather than holding firm in your own integrity and values. We all feel fragile in the wake of D-Day. And yet, within that fragility is a core of strength that keeps us moving forward, inch by inch.
Wow, Elle - you are so wonderful. I appreciate you so much and thank you for this forum you created from your pain. I have read your story (not only on this blog, but also the interview you gave in 2012) and you had/have to deal with SO much all the while providing sound advice. You are amazing.
You have no idea how many lives you have helped, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I REALLY needed to read this today xoxo
Hiking Girl I'm sorry you're having these feelings. I suppose it's only natural. But the shame isn't yours to wear. That's all on your husband. I suppose I can only offer you advice from experience, these people that gossip are the ones who will gossip about anyone, and if it's not you - it'll be someone else. (I'm going through something similar with gossipers) Everyone has something going on in their lives. At least you can hold your head high knowing that you ARE doing something about your life and that of your families. You are an extremely responsible and caring person. That is something to be very proud of. Hugs Gabby xo
Gabby, thank you for your response it brought me to happy tears, I like what you said "The shame isn't yours to wear. I have to remind myself of that. I often wonder if my adult daughter looks at me being weak, maybe one day I need to have that conversation with her.
I’m almost certain Hiking Girl that your daughter thinks the opposite. This is a very hard thing for women to understand and as we’ve all mentioned, you had no idea how to respond to another presented with infidelity before experiencing it yourself. With mothers and daughters it’s hard going through this. My daughter immediately started cutting. She says it had nothing to do with her father and I, but it started when our turmoil started and while I was hiding all my shit, fears, tears, etc, she was hiding, coping and cutting. I lost sleep and weight while she cut. She is close to her dad, so had the same suspicions as myself, yet we were never in the same place together when things came up. She questioned him separately and warned him, just as I did. What a load ...No HEAP she dealt with watching her dad as a 15 year old and KNOW better. Absolutely awful! It’s a tough spot for us moms to be. My daughter knows 90% of his truth and I’m very sorry this was exposed to her. I had no idea and no way of sheltering her. It’s like he even wanted her to catch him and correct him. So sad really. I feel like I’m not so shameful about what he’s done, but ashamed that I didn’t protect my daughter. It was out of my control and off my clock.
We’ve learned as many recent wives (Frankin, Weinstein, Lauer and on and on and on) that a mans actions shatter and destroy. As a wife all you can do is to sweep up the shards to prevent any pain your kids may endure walking in. You are being supportive of your son and I’m sure it’s been tough reliving his pain that exposes yours. You can’t own the shards.
I’m so very sorry all your son has endured and the doubling up of pain that you’ve had. The quote...”people fall in private, long before they fall in public” is so spot on. You see it all clearly after, but as all the wonderful BWs above here stated, this fall from grace is not your fall and your shame. It’s none of ours. A huge bag of hugs sent your way!
I wanted to share something, I don't know if it is helpful or not... but it is something I consider as my children grow up. My husband's father had an affair on his mother and they split. He then moved in with his affair partner and they married 10 years later. His mother moved on a year after they split and married as well.
Until my husband had his affair, it was unknown to him the details of his past. As he grew he assumed some infidelity, but his mother never told him ANYTHING. When he started his own affair he told the whore he does not want to leave me. That was what his father did to his mother and he couldn't do that to his kids (so essentially he was with me for the kids) It was all OK as long as I didn't find out, and he didn't leave me.
FACT: his mother left his father after repeated affairs FACT: his father never intended to leave his mother but wanted his cake and to eat it too - he never though she would be strong enough to leave him. She was a stay at home mom with no income and little to no family (talk about history repeating itself!!!!!!). She is the most caring sweet woman I have ever met. He was selfish to his core and still is.
If his mother had been truthful, instead of hiding his fathers true nature to avoid her children's shame perhaps my H would have learned something more and listened to his heart instead of his dick. Perhaps not. But it leads me to think...
I don't think it is an awful thing that children know... but they have to also know the affects of it on the spouse and the whole family... and themselves. Children must understand as adults that they are not immune to the infidelity themselves because it existed in their past. They need to be watchful and committed to their relationship - as everyone should, but them more so almost, because "well my dad did it" is an easier road then "remember all the hurt I witnessed as a child? why would i do that to mine" because it is uncomfortable, it hurts to remember and that is what they are suppressing anyways. I think this is true for my husband's case anyways. Of course I'm no expert - and how to have them learn without taking on the shame... I have NO idea. But I did read this:
FACT: if your parents cheated you are more likely to cheat FACT: the worse your parents affair, the better chances you will do the same. I read it starts at 80% more likely and increases based on severity of the affair - it was UK study I believe found on the early days of discovery... yes I want to understand the WHY ME so much. I had always assumed my H would never because he hated his step mom, he hated what his dad did and never ever wanted to talk about his past. Um... ???? WTF.
I feel like I will tell my (now baby-aged) children when they get older and start to date or become in a committed relationship. I don't want my children to go through this pain, or put their spouse through it themselves from any learned behavior from my H or from their grandfather for that matter or from our culture or from anyone else. I want them to understand deeply that infidelity is the devil and avoid it like the plague. If you aren't happy in a relationship. LEAVE. No excuses.
Blindsided, I find this topic really interesting. My kids were pre teen when dday happened and are now teens. My husband started both affairs before my youngest was born and carried on both affairs for about 10 years. My husband worked/works a lot and he would go on trips and golf etc with friends. To me it never seemed like too much since the majority of the time was work related. My youngest would ask why he spent so much time with his friends. They saw that I was with them the great majority of time and making the sacrifices in my life for them even at a young age. I gladly did that and chose to when having kids. Saying all of that my husband went on maybe two trips per year and he would go out to watch games/golf maybe three times a month. He never travels for work.
I always chose to defend/stand up for my husband to my kids. I never complained about him or said anything negative. I always felt and still do that if I had an issue that I needed to bring it up to him directly. And I did and still do. I confronted him several times and he lied to my face.
There is no right answer and everyone has to do what they think is best knowing their kids of course. Based on my knowledge and working with my kids I have decided that I want to ensure if possible that my kids do not know. It is not the only reason I have not told anyone but it is one of the main reasons. I did discuss with my therapist a plan if we were to separate and/or divorce. We did not go in depth but it involved my husband explaining to them in age appropriate details what he had done and that he was responsible. We never got to that as of yet.
What has made a major impact is I would say when we talk about situations in their lives or others around them I am very specific about how to handle things. Part of this is easy since my husband is in the mental health field. Honestly it was discussed a lot before dday. But now I would say I emphasize it daily.
I do wonder what they will face in their life. If I had to guess one of each kids would follow each of us. One child is so similar to me and the other one is just like their father. It has become way more obvious and defined upon entering the teen years. I literally see both of us in each child. The one most like my husband has uttered some of the same words he has through this process. It is hard to deal with that child for me at times. It feels like betrayal all over again. Saying all of that my husband is sure both kids would be shattered and it would alter their relationship forever. We have never sugar coated and acted like our marriage is perfect. We talk about challenges regularly. But based on what he did and how after close to three years I struggle to cope with what he did. I am not sure with leaving out details if they could cope.
Anonymous My children do know about there dads affair. I hope to god they learn something with there own relationships all the pain infidelity can cause on the spouse and the children. My kids were 25 and 27 and it was nearly impossible to keep it from them. I discovered my H affair by a credit card charge I confronted him until he broke and told me the truth. My reaction was tellingl him to pack his stuff up and get the F… out! I remember when he walked out the door I took my wedding ring off and fell to the floor in fetal position sobbing. My son happened to just stop by and found me like this he picked me up and just held me I don’t remember much after that, but he didn’t leave me for 3 days. My daughter just had her 1st baby 3 days before this all happened, she got home from the hospital the day I found out. I have alway had a really close relationship with my kids. I’ll never forget telling them that we were getting a divorce. At that time I didn’t want anything to do with my H. But my daughter said to me "if you get divorce we have your back and will always support you. But I would hate for you to regret one day for not at least trying to save your marriage or help yourself heal what would Therapy hurt” Pretty good advise from a young women. My kids also went to therapy and worked on there relationship with there dad and today they probably still haven’t completely forgiven him for hurting me. But therapy has helped them to communicate with there dad and there relationship is much better. So in the long run I hope they have learned from our mistakes.
Blindsided, yes I agree. I think our children do deserve to know this huge thing in their background. No matter how careful and caring we are, some of the emotional toxicity is bound to spill into their space. If they have no explanation, they will puzzle over it for years. Our daughter is 2 and a half. For now, we've just told her that papa is living in a different house (he sees her regularly during the week). She did ask why and he couldn't answer. When she gets older and asks more questions, I believe she should know what happened. We will have to find different age appropriate levels of information. Some things I would prefer her never to know (such as, the ow had dinner with us at our house and held my baby on her knee)... It's important to me that she know the truth about her parents, so that she can be free to move beyond us in due course. I would HATE to see her in the same situation as me some day. I fear that not telling our real story might mean causing history to repeat itself. Knowledge is power.
To us all Children have an odd way of knowing things that go on in the background as they are growing up. We did. My sisters and I knew that our parents didn’t love each other nor want to be together. This said, my oldest sister was 10, I was 6, and our baby sister was 2... we were removed from their toxic relationship and thrust into her new marriage and family that she married but wasn’t in love with. She learned to love our stepdad..we learned to respect him because he was the one and only one that truly put our needs ahead of own. I’m still in awe of the man he was! She had him for many more years than the hell that our biological dad did. She was young and dumb and really just didn’t know what love really means. This said, family of origin always plays a role when betrayal happens. My generation is attempting to change what we learned from our parents but as we know both men and women are capable of betrayal. This said, I think everyone needs to determine what suits their situation in regards to children knowing what happened and how much detail they need. Both of ours were adults and I shared more with my daughter than my son because she was going through her difficult custody battle when my h chose to cheat. His choices not mine! Our son knew that our marriage was fragile but he didn’t know the details either. Both are simply glad that we are battling our way through what ever it was. They both have experience with heart ache from failed relationships and disappointment in themselves. They have both grown stronger and are more equipped to deal with life than I feel. My h finally realized that most of my stress comes from being everyone’s care giver...that is huge! So I ramble on and just wanted everyone to know I understand how hard this shit is! Hugs!
Wow: "It's important to me that she know the truth about her parents, so that she can be free to move beyond us in due course." Selkie -- I love this. So wise. Dang, when I think of how different -- how much more whole -- my H could have been if his parents had followed this advice. Breaks my heart. Praying for the wisdom and courage to do better by my sons.
I think they learn behaviours... because he didnt know my H has learned to be selfish and manipulate... he had no reason not to pursue the relationship with his whore because he always intended it to be temporary unlike his fathers whore... which is my step mother in law... guess how our relationship is doing?? I have taken on my mother's role of foolishly giving up my identity or attaching my value to my family. My father is emotionally abusive but never strayed. I've learnt to accept that I suppose. Enabling my H to follow in his father's footsteps. I'm very lost. All the knowledge in the world isn't going to take all this away now it's too late. I'm broken. And I'm clinging to my imaginary marriage I never really had. I wish he would have just left me so i could be free of him at least. Im sorry im so hostile. I must still be stuck in shock and disbelief. Blindsided
Hiking girl your daughter is so wise. You have raised her to be a bright woman. Im not much older then her... I can't say I would be that level headed. Im full or rage and sadness. I hope to God my kids turn out wiser and more emotionally secure then me. I've not done them right through this whole mess so far. All three are still home with me. I wish I could fast track my life a bit so I wouldn't have so many demands on me with my kids and I can just try to get myself together without impacti g them so much when they are young and so dependant... but isn't that awful??? Wish away the most innocient time with my babies. I still have a hard time getting out of bed some days... The two that can talk ask why I'm always crying. The guilt is huge. I wish I was stronger. I just wish he would have left all of us for her then at least I could understand why he was able to do it to this extent. Wishes are meaningless however. Blindsided
We are struggling with this right now. My 8 year old is actually who clued me in on the fact that my husband was being unfaithful. Irony - H went on a date with OW ... I had all kids with me (18, 8 and not quite 2) and we went to dinner. 8 year old out of the blue says "mom, I think dad's cheating on you." Spilled the details of how he was constantly texting but not using the regular texting ... and gave me the name associated with the texting (I later learned it was Kik).
I down played it ... told him it must be someone dad worked with. I down played everything all summer and just said dad and I were working on our relationship. But his behavior has escalated. I was his verbal punching bag. Needless to say it's been almost as rough as DDay.
Last night we were headed out - said son had another melt down. H doesn't get it. He assumes that I was the only one affected by his stupidity. After the movie I just quietly told him that while he was sorting his shit out this summer my 8 year old and I were the ones left wondering where we stood.
I've felt the anger and the guilt for not handling the situation back in June better. My therapist just kept reminding me that we do the best we can with what we know. At the time I didn't know ... and out of fear of damaging him further I didn't bring it up.
I didn't listen to the conversation last night - but H did sit down and talk to our son. I ended up laying with him until we both fell asleep. I'm sure there will be many more follow-up conversations and maybe he'll finally talk to me about what he's dealing with.
Being a mom is hard. Being a mom trying to hold her shit together all while trying to save her marriage and protect her chicks is fucking hard.
Blindsided - you might be. Or you may be coming to terms with what you need to do. I too waiver between the feeling of it would be easier if he'd just left - both before he had his affair and after I found out. But as someone so callously reminded me - I chose to stay. I chose to remain in this and I have 2 choices - accept my decision ... or move on. LOL, for the record - I'm not very fond of this person and her telling me this was NOT what I wanted or needed. But it's the truth.
Our identity is hard to figure out - I don't care at what point in life we are. But trying to rediscover who we are because of this horrific trauma is even more difficult. There is the power woman in us who wants to be the super woman and thrive. Then there is the scared little girl in us telling us we can't or shouldn't.
I hope that you have found someone - a friend, a therapist, a group ... who is helping to help you shore up your walls so that you can feel strong even if just for a few fleeting moments. I'm finding that even those few fleeting moments help me make it through the day and my support group just keeps reminding me that I am stronger than I know.
Kimberly, Your story about your son's response to your husband's affair (and the incredible maturity and honesty he showed in telling you his thoughts) is heartbreaking. What a special, sensitive boy. It would be wonderful if your husband could acknowledge your son's observations -- to confirm for him that, yes, he saw the truth even when your husband was trying to hide it. Did your husband apologize to your son? Is he able to listen to your son's fears of rejection/abandonment? It might be a good idea for the three of you to attend therapy together to work through this. Our particularly sensitive children are wonderful but they often do feel things on a deeper level and absorb much of the pain and anxiety in a household. It's crucial that your son doesn't feel like this is his fault or that it's within his control to change things. He needs to be able to feel his feelings (and safety express them) and trust that the adults will be...adult. Kimberly, it sounds as if you're doing all that you can do to help him. I hope your husband will continue to do the same, even though it means dealing with his own shame.
Blindsided, your post is interesting and I'm conditioned to question "facts" when not supported by research however my husband grew up in a home where his parents had an "open" marriage because his father was gone a lot. His parents married after knowing each other two weeks and it was obvious to me very early in our marriage that my MIL was what I called, "a slut". She slept with all kinds of men if they gave her attention and their wives were gone. I was disgusted with this and told my husband so over the years. Even before my husband started with his whores, when we talked about her I described her behavior as sluttish. He paid for sex anyway. All of our children are adopted and all are adults now ranging from 50 down to 28. They know nothing of their father's behavior and if I've said this once to him I've said it a bunch of times, "I am so grateful our kids are adopted and nobody got your genes." I don't doubt that men and women raised in homes torched by infidelity experience some deep trauma that affects their sense of well being and life expectations. I've chosen to stay with my husband as he promised from D-day to never use porn or pay for sex again and I told him if he slipped up once, we were done and he would tell all of the kids why. I'd make damn sure he didn't sugar coat it either and I've no doubt my kids would disown him. They would be unhappy with me that I gave him another chance just like the wife in Ester Perel's Addict show,but I just did not want to blow up their lives without giving my husband one chance to get his shit together. He seems to be doing that with flying colors, our marriage is stable and I'm beginning to trust him more. I still struggle with intrusive thoughts and have occasional meltdowns but overall I'm pretty stable. He understands as do I how his early childhood shaped his life and why he made the choice to use sex as comfort but now that we both know, I'll never, ever allow that to be an excuse again. My blood runs cold as ice in my veins when I think about him "acting out" again. His choice, my choice. I'm not planning to blow up my adult kids lives or my grand kids lives by disclosing the truth about my husband's choices in our marriage but I do talk more openly to them when appropriate about how to keep their own marriages strong. This is not easy but I'm hoping it will be worth it. My 39 year wedding anniversary is in January but I'm not sure I will be willing/able to view it as anything other than just a day in my new life. I'm almost 2.5 years post disclosure.
I just found this site yesterday. As of today, I am one month post dday. Like Hiking Girl, I haven’t told anyone else, mainly for fear that they will think I’m stupid for staying or that they will never respect my h again, which I don’t want since I do plan on staying as long as my h continues to keep up his end with staying open and faithful from here on out.
This is probably technically our second dday. When I was pregnant with our second child I happened to find a chat he had left open with a sexual discussion. At the time he seemed so relieved that I would forgive him and I blamed his loneliness since he had moved very far from his family and friends to marry me. But things got better for him and I really thought we had gotten past it.
One month ago he asked if I could leave work early and told me we had to get divorced because he didn’t deserve to still be married to me. He confessed that over these past 8 years since I first found his chat, he had occasionally gone online to chat with women sexually, although he never met up with any of them. In addition, he had two affairs. The first was with a woman he worked with, a woman who pretended to be my friend while we socialized with her and her husband. They abruptly stopped socializing with us and then we found out they were divorcing. Apparently that affair lasted 4-5 months.
The second affair had been going on for less than two months and ended because she had texted my h that morning to let him know she had confessed the affair to her husband. He picked me up from work early so he could tell me before she or her husband did. This was a woman I had really thought was my friend. She did text me a few days later to tell me that she was the one who had initiated it and she was at fault. Well, no one forced my h into it.
How did I react to his tearful confession and guilt-wracked self-hatred? I did the same thing I always do—I took care of him, reassured him, told him I loved him. I can’t seem to put myself first under any circumstances.
It does help that he has said he’s sorry a thousand times. He tells me out of the blue how guilty he feels for what he has done. He wants to be open with me and tell me at the first sign of temptation so he can keep this from ever happening again. It also helps that I know he did not love these women and never had any intention of having a real relationship with them (although I’m fairly sure OW 2 thought by confessing to her h, she would blow up both marriages so they could be together).
He tells me how horrible he feels, knowing that it makes me feel like I’m not enough. That’s the hardest thing right now—that intense insecurity. We have talked about how, even though we had sex often, I was always pretty checked out and passionless and how he never really felt desired. I do see my part in that and it is improving but now I feel this pressure like I BETTER keep up the passion or I’ll be giving him an excuse to find passion somewhere else again.
I feel so much hope that I can take this opportunity to start putting myself first and stop living to make him happy (which obviously didn’t work!) and that we can build a new relationship, based more on openness and mutual respect. But I have these moments of absolute panic that in a year or three I might find out he will just never stay faithful, no matter how ashamed the cheating has made him feel or how much he loves me.
Thank you for being a safe place for me to share all of this. I have been needing to put it all down in words.
Poppy, So sorry you are here but for me it was the best resource and outlet. My dday was March 2015. You are so early on. It is the hardest think I have experienced. The good thing is even though I felt like I would never make it but now I realize I am stronger than ever.
Be kind to yourself and do not hurry yourself through this. I was a type A and I need to get through this. I worked hard to focus on today. I also cut back on everything except what I had to do for the first year. There was all the discovery and trickle truth. I will say my husband minimized everything. And even today I am not sure I know everything. I am not sure he could even tell me it all. I went to a therapist just for me and it was the best thing for me. It was so helpful! We set up a once a week meeting time when the kids were not around. I would journal each day. Some days I would write words, questions, paragraphs etc. I would look over the daily journals before we would sit down for our meeting and it helped me zero in on what was bothering me that week. It helped me stay focused and also get more answers. Otherwise I felt overwhelmed and would go off on tangents.
We had so many discussions and I will say setting boundaries and expectations was critical. There is so much more and I think reading through this sit is very helpful. I read all of the Gottman books and Shirley Glass Not Just Friends was the best one for me and I read a ton.
All of your feelings I think are totally normal. I think having the person you trust the most in the world betray you makes all of us insecure on various levels. Over time that gets better. What has helped the most is watching my husbands actions match his words. Those thoughts and insecurities pop up still from time to time.
Poppy - He may just be addicted to chatting it up and getting validation from other women. So you need to get to the bottom of why. It’s not always the sex. An emotional affair is just as damaging as a sexual one. He also could be hiding more shame and is a sex addict like many of the women on here experience. So I guess what I’m saying is... try and get to the bottom of the why. It’s not you and your sex drive. It’s him. What is he doing to change him?
Poppy, "Taking care of" your husband is a way that many of us mange our own anxiety and insecurity. By feeling in control, to some extent, you give yourself the illusion that you have more power than you do. And you deny your husband the full consequences of his actions -- he's somewhat buffered from your pain. He also is spared having to fully take action to deal with what he did. Even his affair partner is saying that the affair wasn't entirely his fault. He's surrounded by women who deny him his agency. Which is to say...I think you should insist that he seek help to figure out why he's risking his marriage for people he doesn't really want. Why is he so self-destructive? Is suspect there's a lot of anger and self-loathing there...but what's that about? And what is he doing to do about it? And Poppy, I think you too should find a counsellor who can help you let go of things that are not your responsibility. He's a grown man. He's not your job, he should be your partner. Beneath your super-capable, super-strong exterior, is, I suspect, a lot of fear and anxiety. Where did that come from? Where did you get the message that your value lay in not asking for too much? As one of our recent posts asked, "where did you learn to live on crumbs?"
I have done something of recent. I'm four months few days out and it's been filled with drama. I have read on this site about how healing takes time. I really wish I could hurry up and heal. However, it doesn't work that way. As the spouse of a sex addict, I have to accept that my life is filled with a degree of uncertainty. I think one thing we need to do for ourselves is realize that although we can't change our husband's behaviour and we can't control it, we still have some power over our situation, and how we choose to handle it. My parents have a not so great marriage and my greatest fear is that I'd become stuck like they seem to be. That no matter what happened I would have to stay. I have initiated a recent separation from my husband to help me grieve, to give me a break from the drama, and to give me space to think and to find out what I really wanted and draw up boundaries that I would have to follow through on. Its not because he'd done anything else since D-day. He had been mostly empathetic with some outbursts. But I know I needed to do this for me. I couldn't do it on D-day cos I was still in shock, too frozen, numb, paralyzed with indecision. But now I realized I needed to put myself first for a change. Perhaps it's easier for me because no kids yet. But one thing it has helped me with thus far is to break out from any trace of learned helplessness in me. We are all strong warriors all of us, whatever our choices. But strong warriors need to sometimes take a break from protecting everyone else and protect the people who matter the most in this situation-themselves.
Anonymous I'm so proud of you that you have set healthy boundaries for yourself. You are so right you need to take care of yourself if that means stay with him or leave its your decision. With all the reading I did in the beginning I remember someone advising not to make any fast decisions for 3 months to sit with it for awhile. We are in shock and unfortunately we have fog brain.
Anonymous, this is awesome. I'm so glad you're taking care of yourself. Realizing what you need to begin healing and then taking steps to create that is what so many of us need to do...but so many of us find hard to do. Thanks for showing us what it might look like.
Oh Poppy - I'm sorry you had to find this site. I hate saying welcome to the club ... because it's a club that no one should ever be part of.
I am not quite 6 months post DD ... but like you this isn't our first DD ... the first was very similar to yours back in 2007.
I can only share my experience - the first few months I was in survival - keep the family together mode, "save him from himself" mode. Then I went into "protect him" mode because I truly was worried about his sanity. Now ... I'm in the mode of I need to heal me. It's going to take some time and effort on my part to change the flow or our recovery to include my needs because my H has been quite used to me allowing him to control the flow of info. I'm struggling with how and when to start the curve.
I credit this site and the women here with my survival over the past 3 months. You've definitely landed with a loving and supportive group!
What constitutes as a sex addict? My husband said he googled it to see if he was and now declares that he is or probably is. As far as i know, he had one affair (the affair was a whore he lived with while out of town for work)... Do u think there is more if he is now telling me he is an addict? I've always thought there were more women... that looking back on behaviours And how he has only been sexually engaged with me on and off. Now that his nasty affair is over he is all over me every second or trying to be anyways. Then I start thinking that if I don't give in He will just go elsewhere again. I have NEVER experienced this kind of interest from him before. It makes me sick thinking he probably has many many skeletons. I wish he would leave us like I've begged him but he just won't. How do you get your husband to Leave when you finally buckle down and say no more?? I know he is saddened by his actions and who he is as a person but he refuses councilling. I feel Like these will be his excuses to keep going on with his disgusting actions once the dust settles. "Well I told you I was an addict"
Blindsided - are you sure you and I aren't the same person today?
From everything I've read and listened to - sex addiction can only be diagnosed by a trained professional.
I too have wondered over and over the past 6 months if I'm not living with one. Especially after reading that not all sex addicts act out their needs. Some simply use porn, chat and phone calls to act out.
Blindsided, If your husband truly thinks he's a sex addict then all the more reason for him to seek therapy. People don't get over "addiction" without help. you say you've asked him to leave. Do you genuinely want him to? If so, then it's time to visit a lawyer and talk over a separation agreement so that he knows your serious and so that you are financially protected. But, for your children's sake, if not his and yours, he really needs someone to help him understand his erratic and incredibly damaging behaviour.
Blindsided, your husband cannot self diagnose but he can seek out a professional who can help him figure out who he is and what he is doing. Do explore your options. I consulted an attorney early on (like within a month of disclosure) so that I could understand my options if we separated. I'm glad I did that. It was powerful to know what options I had and to be honest, it felt powerful when I told my husband I'd consulted an attorney. That shocked him and made it real. I don't think he expected me to do that at all. Take care of yourself and your family. He needs to take responsibility for his own behavior and actions. Hugs to you.
I filed for divorce early on in discovery. I had developed ticks and all sorts of yucky depressing feelings after he finally disclosed how deep his affair was.. i would say to anyone you have NO idea how blind sided i was... but i dont have to here.. cus you all know. We are each others best friends. We both have many aquantances and small friendships but nothing that matches the trust and bond we have. We don't have mutual friends either... He never let me into this group. I know now this is due to him not feeling comfortable being a married man around his friends and not wanting me to see the guys guy side of him. I stopped pursuing divorce because slowly I saw change in him. Slowly he started to show remorse slowly he stopped blaming me for the affair. He resented that I didn't enjoy working out and used it as a reason to stray... he was disgusted that i ate slices of cheese in the middle if the night after nursing my 3 month old and got a food craving. He held onto so many grudges and nasty feelings about me that are totally ridiculous and super ficial garbage . After i filed for divorce He started realizing i would never do this to him. He started seeing that his beloved whore was just that... a whore. Not a mother of his kids or a committed partner he would trust and be comfortable sharing everything with. She was a selfish slut who put herself before everything. Even her own children. He slowly saw what he had done to me. Before, during and after the affair. So I stayed. I craved his attention as I didn't realize how I hadn't had it for a long time. He gave it all to his whore. I was too tired and busy with holding our life together to notice. But after reading some of the posts on the "listening" post that Elle just put up I feel like I've had a revelation. So I'm gonna stick it out and put down the victim card cus it's getting a little too heavy anyways. He needs help for sure. I've always been there to give it and take care of him and now he is lost because not only am I not there for him I'm lashing out at him hurting him more... so I'm gonna put on my warrior pants now and fight for my prick of a husband to get himself fixed up so I can still have my best friend in my life. Blahhhhhhh bitterness is so hard to shake off. Blindsided
Blindsided, Good for you! We have all been there and this can feel like a roller coaster ride at times. I do a lot of self talk and have to remind myself of what is the reality. I can get negative fast. I always think about what I tell my kids "would you say what you are telling yourself to a friend". Their answer and mine is always no. Take care of yourself. I think a lot of this is part of the process and the many phases of recovery. It is similar to grief but different. I remember feeling as if I was a victim and it would feel that way forever. That has gone away. Today I am so matter of fact about anything related to the affairs and his behaviors. I used to beat myself up for not seeing things. But then I told myself it was not okay to take the blame when he lied to my face and as your husband did basically creating a second life. Now I think I am proud of myself and I never let anyone down. It is too bad he did but we cannot undo the past. All I can do is set expectations and boundaries for today forward. The good thing is my expectations are higher than ever and he continues to rise to those levels and is happier than ever. He says regularly he took our marriage to the brink of destruction and on dday he changed and became a new person. It has been a process but I see how far we have come, things are not perfect but they are better than ever. And if by chance he leaves me or does something else then I know how strong I am and I know I did my best and that is all I can control. You are doing great!!
I think one of the things that I struggled with the most after Dday was my loss of laughter. It was months before I had a good belly laugh. There was little time for humor amid all my crying. Sooo if you are in a slump today and need a good belly laugh, look up Heather Land (I ain’t doin it) on youtube. My favorite is this CrossFit episode https://youtu.be/2WX1BEmDJXk Jesus is taking me home in a cocktail dress not my Danskin shorts! Wipe your tears and laugh a bit to change your mood.
Yep! You encounter hopefully way more friends on a daily basis and the h being your #1. Since Dday I’ve learned lots about myself and I’m stronger as a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. It’s important to teach people how to treat you and be vocal. And I can say I’ve found my voice and courage from many of you!!
ReplyDeleteIn this case the friend I am standing up to is my husband. He was my friend first, I thought that despite our significant struggles and real stresses and losses in our lives that he was there for me. After four years of 'healing' I discover he is still lying to me and having inappropriate friendships. He moves to the couch (been there 8 weeks), he takes up a depression and anxiety course, we go to counselling. There is so much connection between us, so much commonality and good stuff but the counselling is revealing how deep his issues go and it's still not clear if he can move away from his pattern of making himself feel better by getting ego boosts from people who he treats as objects (emotional affairs and inappropriate friendships, plus porn). I now know how far from an adult and real relationship there was between us. I am here, I am not throwing fits, I am going to the counselling, I am affectionate but there is still the safety of us separating sexually and in sleeping arrangements (though i miss it, it's a necessary boundary). I have stood up and said I won't be dismissed any more, have him make excuses, lie, act defensively, make me a party to his own messed up psychology. It is so hard though because it has taken far too long for me to pick myself off the floor and help myself take a stand and I still have no security, no clarity about the future, so much wasted time and so much heartbreak and now all the emotion the counselling brings up alongside the still real and continuing life difficulties (business and money problems.)I am in a much better place myself, I'm doing meditation, Steven Stosney's rewiring and self-esteem bolstering techniques, a superb free online anxiety and depression course from local depression service but this road is too long and I've no way of knowing whether my husband's significant psychological issues that lead him into this will be resolved or, at least got under control.
ReplyDeleteFOH
DeleteYou are strong and right to stand up and put in these boundaries. Glad you can see your worth.
Sending many hugs for strength.
Gabby xo
FOH,
Deleteit sounds as though, whatever path your husband takes, YOU are on the right path for you. Kudos to you for taking charge of what you need right now.
I love Harry Potter and the wisdom that these books shares. Brene Brown is a big Harry Potter fan. I can see where all challenges big or small can learn something from these books. That courage and fighting for what we want is worth it.
ReplyDeleteI’m not sure where to post this I can’t find the location where Elle suggested a podcast.
ReplyDeleteI just listened to that podcast by Esther Perel on addiction that Elle recommended. What really hit me I still feel like I have a lot of shame for staying. There is a stigma I feel that staying people will perceive me as weak with low self esteem. And I know that I’m not a weak and I don’t have low self-esteem I don’t know why I really care what people think but I find it embarrassing. I’ve only been able to share my story here and with my sister in law and in therapy.
I have posted on here my son is dealing with a drug addiction and he’s in a recovery facility. Last weekend we had group family therapy with 5 other family’s. Well it was intense it was for 2 days from 9:00 to 5:00. My son brought up my husbands affair and how it hurt him and the struggles he felt. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that all these people looked at me as this weak women, and I know they probably didn’t but thats how I felt.
I really do feel like my marriage is in a good place. My H has not been self adsorbed over his own pain that he was dealing with, and focused on the pain he caused me and his kids. But I still carry this shame for staying any thoughts? My 2 year DDay is coming up Dec 30th and I feel this shame I have for myself is really holding me back with recovery.
Hiking Girl, I think that is normal. And I don't think any of us should feel shame. I think it is mainly due to how society portrays betrayal. I honestly did not know much about betrayal until it happened to me. I would like to have thought I would have been understanding if a friend came to me even just to listen. I am sure I would have been kind but I have a feeling in my head I would have been thinking; I wonder what she did or didn't do, I bet they did not have much sex, They focused too much on their kids, They focused too much on their work.... But now I know it is not the way I see it on tv, movies or in books.
DeleteOnly my husband and I know. My therapist too. That is it. Even the two ow do not know. When each person contacted him after dday we decided together to ignore them and block their numbers. He had already broken things off 15 months before dday so there was no regular contact. So really no one knows. I struggle with this feeling that I am fake. He has told me I can tell whoever I want to. In the end I decided against it since I did not want it getting back to my kids and I did not feel any of my friends or family would be helpful.
I am going to listen to that podcast as it sounds like a good one. The only other thing that helps me is I tell myself that I have no idea what anyone else is dealing with. Honestly I had no idea what my husband was dealing with for all these years and we were best friends. He was hiding it from everyone.
Thinking of you, your son and your husband. That is a lot to deal with. For us as we approach ddays etc it helps for us to talk about it coming up and how to cope or do things differently. Thinking of you!
Hiking Girl,
DeleteI listened to the same podcast and sat at my desk crying when Esther spoke as the wife wondering if she had ever questioned her self esteem, self worth, and asked if she ever wondered what was wrong with her for staying - I shook my head YES YES YES.
Like you, I do NOT have a low self esteem and I am definitely NOT weak. We are EXTREMELY strong for staying; isn't this the hardest thing you have ever had to do and deal with? And you're still here - WOW.
I have the same thoughts and feelings as you, but please understand that when you die, no one will be standing over you saying "what a weak woman", they will be saying "what an amazing person".
I am so sorry about your son, you are dealing with so much. Please be easy on yourself and know that life throws us some very hard curve balls (all of us, not just those of us who have been betrayed).
It's easier sometimes when I tell myself that Life knows what it's doing.
Hugs xoxo
Spouse of a SA thank you, yes this is the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with in my life. My therapist has told me often staying is not a weakness it shows strength to fight and decide if you will stay of move on. I really think last weekend really triggered me, my husbands affair with prostitutes was brought up in a group of people. I felt like I was being stabbed again talking about personal stuff in a group setting, I’m a pretty private person. Thank you for your kind words they are very much appreciated.
DeleteHopeful 30,
DeleteI thought this would never happen to me, who really thinks the man there married to will cheat on them. Unfortunately if I’m completely honest if one of my close friends came to me with my story and told me she was going to work on her marriage and give him a 2nd chance. I would have wanted to shake her and say no you cant he doesn’t deserve it. Boy have I grown so much in my views in everything in the last 2 years. But 2 years ago I would never had understood why anyone would not kick there sorry ass husband out.
I think you hit the nail on the head with you struggle with this feeling of feeling fake. Right now what we have is real, I love my husband and he is my best friend. But I felt fake at this group therapy session. My H knew I was struggling, at breaks he would grab my hand or hug me give me a little kiss letting me know he was there for me he knew it was difficult that I was being triggered. But I felt like are relationship was so fake in everyones eyes, how could I love and forgive someone that hurt me so badly. And I question myself why do I give a shit what others think, I’ve never been really concerned what people think about me. Am I judging myself???
It really is nice to hear that what I’m feeling is normal, I know with DDay coming up I may be extra sensitive at this time…
Hiking Girl, Yes I think totally normal. For me the best thing is knowing it is not just me. I know I judge myself. For me it comes from all those years of not knowing. I would have had to hire a private detective since both affairs were sporadic. But for me I think it is me judging myself for not knowing. Even though I know that it is not my fault. I am sure I am not making sense at all. But I do get it. I question myself all the time. I want to protect myself and get it right this time. I do not want to be naive or clueless like before. I know there is no way to full proof but based on how my husband lived and the direct questions I asked him I am hyper vigilant. Any question I ever asked him he had a reason. All valid too. And he would go through highs and lows of being more like himself.
DeleteI think it is great your husband seems to get it and reaches out to you in his own way. I try to focus on that and I do acknowledge my husband's efforts. It helps. One thing that is at odds for me talking helps me where for my husband it does not help him, it is the last thing he wants to do. Always a balance!
For all of you,
DeleteThat stigma is so pervasive. And powerful. But it lies to us. It tells us that strong women leave. And yet there isn't a woman on this site who isn't fighting like hell, who isn't so strong and so resilient. Betrayal is devastating and figuring out to face each day when our world has been shattered takes so much guts. But I know that it's one thing to know this and another thing to truly feel it.
What has helped me is realizing just how many women I know who are dealing with infidelity -- amazing beautiful strong women. It has helped me to understand that "good" people can do "bad" things. Your son, Hiking Girl, is a case in point. He is learning to take responsibility for the poor choices he has made around drug use -- and that takes courage. I don't imagine you think the "right" decision is to toss him aside and move on. It has helped me to understand that none of us EVER knows the whole of another person's story, especially their marriage. What looks perfect on the outside can mask all sorts of dysfunction, even if there isn't cheating. This isn't to say everybody's marriage sucks so I shouldn't feel bad that mine does (did) too. It's to say that we need to bear our own struggles with pride -- pride in facing them, pride in healing from them. I take pride in the community I created here from my own pain. And you have no idea how your honesty within that group might have given others permission to face their own pain. Even if they aren't dealing with infidelity, they might down the road. And they might remember the courage with which you faced it.
Hiking Girl (and others), I wish I could help you move past the shame. As Perel says, it's the "new" shame -- being able to leave and choosing to stay. But as long as it IS a choice, then own it. Give yourselves credit for the courage it takes to swim upstream and do what's right for you. Where's the satisfaction in leaving when it isn't what you actually want? That's cowardice, to cave to cultural expectations rather than holding firm in your own integrity and values.
We all feel fragile in the wake of D-Day. And yet, within that fragility is a core of strength that keeps us moving forward, inch by inch.
Wow, Elle - you are so wonderful. I appreciate you so much and thank you for this forum you created from your pain. I have read your story (not only on this blog, but also the interview you gave in 2012) and you had/have to deal with SO much all the while providing sound advice. You are amazing.
DeleteYou have no idea how many lives you have helped, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I REALLY needed to read this today xoxo
Hiking Girl
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're having these feelings. I suppose it's only natural.
But the shame isn't yours to wear. That's all on your husband.
I suppose I can only offer you advice from experience, these people that gossip are the ones who will gossip about anyone, and if it's not you - it'll be someone else. (I'm going through something similar with gossipers)
Everyone has something going on in their lives.
At least you can hold your head high knowing that you ARE doing something about your life and that of your families. You are an extremely responsible and caring person.
That is something to be very proud of.
Hugs
Gabby xo
Gabby, thank you for your response it brought me to happy tears, I like what you said "The shame isn't yours to wear. I have to remind myself of that. I often wonder if my adult daughter looks at me being weak, maybe one day I need to have that conversation with her.
DeleteI’m almost certain Hiking Girl that your daughter thinks the opposite. This is a very hard thing for women to understand and as we’ve all mentioned, you had no idea how to respond to another presented with infidelity before experiencing it yourself. With mothers and daughters it’s hard going through this. My daughter immediately started cutting. She says it had nothing to do with her father and I, but it started when our turmoil started and while I was hiding all my shit, fears, tears, etc, she was hiding, coping and cutting. I lost sleep and weight while she cut. She is close to her dad, so had the same suspicions as myself, yet we were never in the same place together when things came up. She questioned him separately and warned him, just as I did. What a load ...No HEAP she dealt with watching her dad as a 15 year old and KNOW better. Absolutely awful!
DeleteIt’s a tough spot for us moms to be. My daughter knows 90% of his truth and I’m very sorry this was exposed to her. I had no idea and no way of sheltering her. It’s like he even wanted her to catch him and correct him. So sad really. I feel like I’m not so shameful about what he’s done, but ashamed that I didn’t protect my daughter. It was out of my control and off my clock.
We’ve learned as many recent wives (Frankin, Weinstein, Lauer and on and on and on) that a mans actions shatter and destroy. As a wife all you can do is to sweep up the shards to prevent any pain your kids may endure walking in. You are being supportive of your son and I’m sure it’s been tough reliving his pain that exposes yours. You can’t own the shards.
I’m so very sorry all your son has endured and the doubling up of pain that you’ve had. The quote...”people fall in private, long before they fall in public” is so spot on. You see it all clearly after, but as all the wonderful BWs above here stated, this fall from grace is not your fall and your shame. It’s none of ours.
A huge bag of hugs sent your way!
I wanted to share something, I don't know if it is helpful or not... but it is something I consider as my children grow up. My husband's father had an affair on his mother and they split. He then moved in with his affair partner and they married 10 years later. His mother moved on a year after they split and married as well.
ReplyDeleteUntil my husband had his affair, it was unknown to him the details of his past. As he grew he assumed some infidelity, but his mother never told him ANYTHING. When he started his own affair he told the whore he does not want to leave me. That was what his father did to his mother and he couldn't do that to his kids (so essentially he was with me for the kids) It was all OK as long as I didn't find out, and he didn't leave me.
FACT: his mother left his father after repeated affairs
FACT: his father never intended to leave his mother but wanted his cake and to eat it too - he never though she would be strong enough to leave him. She was a stay at home mom with no income and little to no family (talk about history repeating itself!!!!!!). She is the most caring sweet woman I have ever met. He was selfish to his core and still is.
If his mother had been truthful, instead of hiding his fathers true nature to avoid her children's shame perhaps my H would have learned something more and listened to his heart instead of his dick. Perhaps not. But it leads me to think...
I don't think it is an awful thing that children know... but they have to also know the affects of it on the spouse and the whole family... and themselves. Children must understand as adults that they are not immune to the infidelity themselves because it existed in their past. They need to be watchful and committed to their relationship - as everyone should, but them more so almost, because "well my dad did it" is an easier road then "remember all the hurt I witnessed as a child? why would i do that to mine" because it is uncomfortable, it hurts to remember and that is what they are suppressing anyways. I think this is true for my husband's case anyways. Of course I'm no expert - and how to have them learn without taking on the shame... I have NO idea. But I did read this:
FACT: if your parents cheated you are more likely to cheat
FACT: the worse your parents affair, the better chances you will do the same. I read it starts at 80% more likely and increases based on severity of the affair - it was UK study I believe found on the early days of discovery... yes I want to understand the WHY ME so much. I had always assumed my H would never because he hated his step mom, he hated what his dad did and never ever wanted to talk about his past. Um... ???? WTF.
I feel like I will tell my (now baby-aged) children when they get older and start to date or become in a committed relationship. I don't want my children to go through this pain, or put their spouse through it themselves from any learned behavior from my H or from their grandfather for that matter or from our culture or from anyone else. I want them to understand deeply that infidelity is the devil and avoid it like the plague. If you aren't happy in a relationship. LEAVE. No excuses.
Blindsided
Blindsided, I find this topic really interesting. My kids were pre teen when dday happened and are now teens. My husband started both affairs before my youngest was born and carried on both affairs for about 10 years. My husband worked/works a lot and he would go on trips and golf etc with friends. To me it never seemed like too much since the majority of the time was work related. My youngest would ask why he spent so much time with his friends. They saw that I was with them the great majority of time and making the sacrifices in my life for them even at a young age. I gladly did that and chose to when having kids. Saying all of that my husband went on maybe two trips per year and he would go out to watch games/golf maybe three times a month. He never travels for work.
DeleteI always chose to defend/stand up for my husband to my kids. I never complained about him or said anything negative. I always felt and still do that if I had an issue that I needed to bring it up to him directly. And I did and still do. I confronted him several times and he lied to my face.
There is no right answer and everyone has to do what they think is best knowing their kids of course. Based on my knowledge and working with my kids I have decided that I want to ensure if possible that my kids do not know. It is not the only reason I have not told anyone but it is one of the main reasons. I did discuss with my therapist a plan if we were to separate and/or divorce. We did not go in depth but it involved my husband explaining to them in age appropriate details what he had done and that he was responsible. We never got to that as of yet.
What has made a major impact is I would say when we talk about situations in their lives or others around them I am very specific about how to handle things. Part of this is easy since my husband is in the mental health field. Honestly it was discussed a lot before dday. But now I would say I emphasize it daily.
I do wonder what they will face in their life. If I had to guess one of each kids would follow each of us. One child is so similar to me and the other one is just like their father. It has become way more obvious and defined upon entering the teen years. I literally see both of us in each child. The one most like my husband has uttered some of the same words he has through this process. It is hard to deal with that child for me at times. It feels like betrayal all over again. Saying all of that my husband is sure both kids would be shattered and it would alter their relationship forever. We have never sugar coated and acted like our marriage is perfect. We talk about challenges regularly. But based on what he did and how after close to three years I struggle to cope with what he did. I am not sure with leaving out details if they could cope.
Anonymous My children do know about there dads affair. I hope to god they learn something with there own relationships all the pain infidelity can cause on the spouse and the children. My kids were 25 and 27 and it was nearly impossible to keep it from them. I discovered my H affair by a credit card charge I confronted him until he broke and told me the truth. My reaction was tellingl him to pack his stuff up and get the F… out! I remember when he walked out the door I took my wedding ring off and fell to the floor in fetal position sobbing. My son happened to just stop by and found me like this he picked me up and just held me I don’t remember much after that, but he didn’t leave me for 3 days. My daughter just had her 1st baby 3 days before this all happened, she got home from the hospital the day I found out. I have alway had a really close relationship with my kids. I’ll never forget telling them that we were getting a divorce. At that time I didn’t want anything to do with my H. But my daughter said to me "if you get divorce we have your back and will always support you. But I would hate for you to regret one day for not at least trying to save your marriage or help yourself heal what would Therapy hurt” Pretty good advise from a young women. My kids also went to therapy and worked on there relationship with there dad and today they probably still haven’t completely forgiven him for hurting me. But therapy has helped them to communicate with there dad and there relationship is much better. So in the long run I hope they have learned from our mistakes.
DeleteBlindsided, yes I agree. I think our children do deserve to know this huge thing in their background. No matter how careful and caring we are, some of the emotional toxicity is bound to spill into their space. If they have no explanation, they will puzzle over it for years.
DeleteOur daughter is 2 and a half. For now, we've just told her that papa is living in a different house (he sees her regularly during the week). She did ask why and he couldn't answer.
When she gets older and asks more questions, I believe she should know what happened. We will have to find different age appropriate levels of information. Some things I would prefer her never to know (such as, the ow had dinner with us at our house and held my baby on her knee)...
It's important to me that she know the truth about her parents, so that she can be free to move beyond us in due course. I would HATE to see her in the same situation as me some day. I fear that not telling our real story might mean causing history to repeat itself.
Knowledge is power.
To us all
DeleteChildren have an odd way of knowing things that go on in the background as they are growing up. We did. My sisters and I knew that our parents didn’t love each other nor want to be together. This said, my oldest sister was 10, I was 6, and our baby sister was 2... we were removed from their toxic relationship and thrust into her new marriage and family that she married but wasn’t in love with. She learned to love our stepdad..we learned to respect him because he was the one and only one that truly put our needs ahead of own. I’m still in awe of the man he was! She had him for many more years than the hell that our biological dad did. She was young and dumb and really just didn’t know what love really means. This said, family of origin always plays a role when betrayal happens. My generation is attempting to change what we learned from our parents but as we know both men and women are capable of betrayal. This said, I think everyone needs to determine what suits their situation in regards to children knowing what happened and how much detail they need. Both of ours were adults and I shared more with my daughter than my son because she was going through her difficult custody battle when my h chose to cheat. His choices not mine! Our son knew that our marriage was fragile but he didn’t know the details either. Both are simply glad that we are battling our way through what ever it was. They both have experience with heart ache from failed relationships and disappointment in themselves. They have both grown stronger and are more equipped to deal with life than I feel. My h finally realized that most of my stress comes from being everyone’s care giver...that is huge! So I ramble on and just wanted everyone to know I understand how hard this shit is! Hugs!
Wow:
Delete"It's important to me that she know the truth about her parents, so that she can be free to move beyond us in due course." Selkie -- I love this. So wise.
Dang, when I think of how different -- how much more whole -- my H could have been if his parents had followed this advice. Breaks my heart. Praying for the wisdom and courage to do better by my sons.
I think they learn behaviours... because he didnt know my H has learned to be selfish and manipulate... he had no reason not to pursue the relationship with his whore because he always intended it to be temporary unlike his fathers whore... which is my step mother in law... guess how our relationship is doing?? I have taken on my mother's role of foolishly giving up my identity or attaching my value to my family. My father is emotionally abusive but never strayed. I've learnt to accept that I suppose. Enabling my H to follow in his father's footsteps. I'm very lost. All the knowledge in the world isn't going to take all this away now it's too late. I'm broken. And I'm clinging to my imaginary marriage I never really had. I wish he would have just left me so i could be free of him at least. Im sorry im so hostile. I must still be stuck in shock and disbelief.
DeleteBlindsided
Hiking girl your daughter is so wise. You have raised her to be a bright woman. Im not much older then her... I can't say I would be that level headed. Im full or rage and sadness. I hope to God my kids turn out wiser and more emotionally secure then me. I've not done them right through this whole mess so far. All three are still home with me. I wish I could fast track my life a bit so I wouldn't have so many demands on me with my kids and I can just try to get myself together without impacti g them so much when they are young and so dependant... but isn't that awful??? Wish away the most innocient time with my babies. I still have a hard time getting out of bed some days... The two that can talk ask why I'm always crying. The guilt is huge. I wish I was stronger. I just wish he would have left all of us for her then at least I could understand why he was able to do it to this extent. Wishes are meaningless however.
DeleteBlindsided
We are struggling with this right now. My 8 year old is actually who clued me in on the fact that my husband was being unfaithful. Irony - H went on a date with OW ... I had all kids with me (18, 8 and not quite 2) and we went to dinner. 8 year old out of the blue says "mom, I think dad's cheating on you." Spilled the details of how he was constantly texting but not using the regular texting ... and gave me the name associated with the texting (I later learned it was Kik).
DeleteI down played it ... told him it must be someone dad worked with. I down played everything all summer and just said dad and I were working on our relationship. But his behavior has escalated. I was his verbal punching bag. Needless to say it's been almost as rough as DDay.
Last night we were headed out - said son had another melt down. H doesn't get it. He assumes that I was the only one affected by his stupidity. After the movie I just quietly told him that while he was sorting his shit out this summer my 8 year old and I were the ones left wondering where we stood.
I've felt the anger and the guilt for not handling the situation back in June better. My therapist just kept reminding me that we do the best we can with what we know. At the time I didn't know ... and out of fear of damaging him further I didn't bring it up.
I didn't listen to the conversation last night - but H did sit down and talk to our son. I ended up laying with him until we both fell asleep. I'm sure there will be many more follow-up conversations and maybe he'll finally talk to me about what he's dealing with.
Being a mom is hard. Being a mom trying to hold her shit together all while trying to save her marriage and protect her chicks is fucking hard.
Blindsided - you might be. Or you may be coming to terms with what you need to do. I too waiver between the feeling of it would be easier if he'd just left - both before he had his affair and after I found out. But as someone so callously reminded me - I chose to stay. I chose to remain in this and I have 2 choices - accept my decision ... or move on. LOL, for the record - I'm not very fond of this person and her telling me this was NOT what I wanted or needed. But it's the truth.
DeleteOur identity is hard to figure out - I don't care at what point in life we are. But trying to rediscover who we are because of this horrific trauma is even more difficult. There is the power woman in us who wants to be the super woman and thrive. Then there is the scared little girl in us telling us we can't or shouldn't.
I hope that you have found someone - a friend, a therapist, a group ... who is helping to help you shore up your walls so that you can feel strong even if just for a few fleeting moments. I'm finding that even those few fleeting moments help me make it through the day and my support group just keeps reminding me that I am stronger than I know.
Kimberly, Your story about your son's response to your husband's affair (and the incredible maturity and honesty he showed in telling you his thoughts) is heartbreaking. What a special, sensitive boy. It would be wonderful if your husband could acknowledge your son's observations -- to confirm for him that, yes, he saw the truth even when your husband was trying to hide it. Did your husband apologize to your son? Is he able to listen to your son's fears of rejection/abandonment? It might be a good idea for the three of you to attend therapy together to work through this. Our particularly sensitive children are wonderful but they often do feel things on a deeper level and absorb much of the pain and anxiety in a household. It's crucial that your son doesn't feel like this is his fault or that it's within his control to change things. He needs to be able to feel his feelings (and safety express them) and trust that the adults will be...adult. Kimberly, it sounds as if you're doing all that you can do to help him. I hope your husband will continue to do the same, even though it means dealing with his own shame.
DeleteBlindsided, your post is interesting and I'm conditioned to question "facts" when not supported by research however my husband grew up in a home where his parents had an "open" marriage because his father was gone a lot. His parents married after knowing each other two weeks and it was obvious to me very early in our marriage that my MIL was what I called, "a slut". She slept with all kinds of men if they gave her attention and their wives were gone. I was disgusted with this and told my husband so over the years. Even before my husband started with his whores, when we talked about her I described her behavior as sluttish. He paid for sex anyway. All of our children are adopted and all are adults now ranging from 50 down to 28. They know nothing of their father's behavior and if I've said this once to him I've said it a bunch of times, "I am so grateful our kids are adopted and nobody got your genes." I don't doubt that men and women raised in homes torched by infidelity experience some deep trauma that affects their sense of well being and life expectations. I've chosen to stay with my husband as he promised from D-day to never use porn or pay for sex again and I told him if he slipped up once, we were done and he would tell all of the kids why. I'd make damn sure he didn't sugar coat it either and I've no doubt my kids would disown him. They would be unhappy with me that I gave him another chance just like the wife in Ester Perel's Addict show,but I just did not want to blow up their lives without giving my husband one chance to get his shit together. He seems to be doing that with flying colors, our marriage is stable and I'm beginning to trust him more. I still struggle with intrusive thoughts and have occasional meltdowns but overall I'm pretty stable. He understands as do I how his early childhood shaped his life and why he made the choice to use sex as comfort but now that we both know, I'll never, ever allow that to be an excuse again. My blood runs cold as ice in my veins when I think about him "acting out" again. His choice, my choice. I'm not planning to blow up my adult kids lives or my grand kids lives by disclosing the truth about my husband's choices in our marriage but I do talk more openly to them when appropriate about how to keep their own marriages strong. This is not easy but I'm hoping it will be worth it. My 39 year wedding anniversary is in January but I'm not sure I will be willing/able to view it as anything other than just a day in my new life. I'm almost 2.5 years post disclosure.
DeleteI just found this site yesterday. As of today, I am one month post dday. Like Hiking Girl, I haven’t told anyone else, mainly for fear that they will think I’m stupid for staying or that they will never respect my h again, which I don’t want since I do plan on staying as long as my h continues to keep up his end with staying open and faithful from here on out.
ReplyDeleteThis is probably technically our second dday. When I was pregnant with our second child I happened to find a chat he had left open with a sexual discussion. At the time he seemed so relieved that I would forgive him and I blamed his loneliness since he had moved very far from his family and friends to marry me. But things got better for him and I really thought we had gotten past it.
One month ago he asked if I could leave work early and told me we had to get divorced because he didn’t deserve to still be married to me. He confessed that over these past 8 years since I first found his chat, he had occasionally gone online to chat with women sexually, although he never met up with any of them. In addition, he had two affairs. The first was with a woman he worked with, a woman who pretended to be my friend while we socialized with her and her husband. They abruptly stopped socializing with us and then we found out they were divorcing. Apparently that affair lasted 4-5 months.
The second affair had been going on for less than two months and ended because she had texted my h that morning to let him know she had confessed the affair to her husband. He picked me up from work early so he could tell me before she or her husband did. This was a woman I had really thought was my friend. She did text me a few days later to tell me that she was the one who had initiated it and she was at fault. Well, no one forced my h into it.
How did I react to his tearful confession and guilt-wracked self-hatred? I did the same thing I always do—I took care of him, reassured him, told him I loved him. I can’t seem to put myself first under any circumstances.
It does help that he has said he’s sorry a thousand times. He tells me out of the blue how guilty he feels for what he has done. He wants to be open with me and tell me at the first sign of temptation so he can keep this from ever happening again. It also helps that I know he did not love these women and never had any intention of having a real relationship with them (although I’m fairly sure OW 2 thought by confessing to her h, she would blow up both marriages so they could be together).
He tells me how horrible he feels, knowing that it makes me feel like I’m not enough. That’s the hardest thing right now—that intense insecurity. We have talked about how, even though we had sex often, I was always pretty checked out and passionless and how he never really felt desired. I do see my part in that and it is improving but now I feel this pressure like I BETTER keep up the passion or I’ll be giving him an excuse to find passion somewhere else again.
I feel so much hope that I can take this opportunity to start putting myself first and stop living to make him happy (which obviously didn’t work!) and that we can build a new relationship, based more on openness and mutual respect. But I have these moments of absolute panic that in a year or three I might find out he will just never stay faithful, no matter how ashamed the cheating has made him feel or how much he loves me.
Thank you for being a safe place for me to share all of this. I have been needing to put it all down in words.
Poppy, So sorry you are here but for me it was the best resource and outlet. My dday was March 2015. You are so early on. It is the hardest think I have experienced. The good thing is even though I felt like I would never make it but now I realize I am stronger than ever.
DeleteBe kind to yourself and do not hurry yourself through this. I was a type A and I need to get through this. I worked hard to focus on today. I also cut back on everything except what I had to do for the first year. There was all the discovery and trickle truth. I will say my husband minimized everything. And even today I am not sure I know everything. I am not sure he could even tell me it all. I went to a therapist just for me and it was the best thing for me. It was so helpful! We set up a once a week meeting time when the kids were not around. I would journal each day. Some days I would write words, questions, paragraphs etc. I would look over the daily journals before we would sit down for our meeting and it helped me zero in on what was bothering me that week. It helped me stay focused and also get more answers. Otherwise I felt overwhelmed and would go off on tangents.
We had so many discussions and I will say setting boundaries and expectations was critical. There is so much more and I think reading through this sit is very helpful. I read all of the Gottman books and Shirley Glass Not Just Friends was the best one for me and I read a ton.
All of your feelings I think are totally normal. I think having the person you trust the most in the world betray you makes all of us insecure on various levels. Over time that gets better. What has helped the most is watching my husbands actions match his words. Those thoughts and insecurities pop up still from time to time.
Take care of yourself and visit often!
Poppy - He may just be addicted to chatting it up and getting validation from other women. So you need to get to the bottom of why. It’s not always the sex. An emotional affair is just as damaging as a sexual one. He also could be hiding more shame and is a sex addict like many of the women on here experience. So I guess what I’m saying is... try and get to the bottom of the why. It’s not you and your sex drive. It’s him. What is he doing to change him?
DeletePoppy,
Delete"Taking care of" your husband is a way that many of us mange our own anxiety and insecurity. By feeling in control, to some extent, you give yourself the illusion that you have more power than you do. And you deny your husband the full consequences of his actions -- he's somewhat buffered from your pain. He also is spared having to fully take action to deal with what he did. Even his affair partner is saying that the affair wasn't entirely his fault. He's surrounded by women who deny him his agency.
Which is to say...I think you should insist that he seek help to figure out why he's risking his marriage for people he doesn't really want. Why is he so self-destructive? Is suspect there's a lot of anger and self-loathing there...but what's that about? And what is he doing to do about it?
And Poppy, I think you too should find a counsellor who can help you let go of things that are not your responsibility. He's a grown man. He's not your job, he should be your partner. Beneath your super-capable, super-strong exterior, is, I suspect, a lot of fear and anxiety. Where did that come from? Where did you get the message that your value lay in not asking for too much? As one of our recent posts asked, "where did you learn to live on crumbs?"
I have done something of recent. I'm four months few days out and it's been filled with drama. I have read on this site about how healing takes time. I really wish I could hurry up and heal.
ReplyDeleteHowever, it doesn't work that way.
As the spouse of a sex addict, I have to accept that my life is filled with a degree of uncertainty. I think one thing we need to do for ourselves is realize that although we can't change our husband's behaviour and we can't control it, we still have some power over our situation, and how we choose to handle it.
My parents have a not so great marriage and my greatest fear is that I'd become stuck like they seem to be. That no matter what happened I would have to stay. I have initiated a recent separation from my husband to help me grieve, to give me a break from the drama, and to give me space to think and to find out what I really wanted and draw up boundaries that I would have to follow through on. Its not because he'd done anything else since D-day. He had been mostly empathetic with some outbursts. But I know I needed to do this for me. I couldn't do it on D-day cos I was still in shock, too frozen, numb, paralyzed with indecision.
But now I realized I needed to put myself first for a change. Perhaps it's easier for me because no kids yet. But one thing it has helped me with thus far is to break out from any trace of learned helplessness in me. We are all strong warriors all of us, whatever our choices. But strong warriors need to sometimes take a break from protecting everyone else and protect the people who matter the most in this situation-themselves.
Anonymous I'm so proud of you that you have set healthy boundaries for yourself. You are so right you need to take care of yourself if that means stay with him or leave its your decision. With all the reading I did in the beginning I remember someone advising not to make any fast decisions for 3 months to sit with it for awhile. We are in shock and unfortunately we have fog brain.
DeleteThanks hiking girl
DeleteAnonymous, this is awesome. I'm so glad you're taking care of yourself. Realizing what you need to begin healing and then taking steps to create that is what so many of us need to do...but so many of us find hard to do. Thanks for showing us what it might look like.
DeleteOh Poppy - I'm sorry you had to find this site. I hate saying welcome to the club ... because it's a club that no one should ever be part of.
ReplyDeleteI am not quite 6 months post DD ... but like you this isn't our first DD ... the first was very similar to yours back in 2007.
I can only share my experience - the first few months I was in survival - keep the family together mode, "save him from himself" mode. Then I went into "protect him" mode because I truly was worried about his sanity. Now ... I'm in the mode of I need to heal me. It's going to take some time and effort on my part to change the flow or our recovery to include my needs because my H has been quite used to me allowing him to control the flow of info. I'm struggling with how and when to start the curve.
I credit this site and the women here with my survival over the past 3 months. You've definitely landed with a loving and supportive group!
What constitutes as a sex addict? My husband said he googled it to see if he was and now declares that he is or probably is. As far as i know, he had one affair (the affair was a whore he lived with while out of town for work)... Do u think there is more if he is now telling me he is an addict? I've always thought there were more women... that looking back on behaviours And how he has only been sexually engaged with me on and off. Now that his nasty affair is over he is all over me every second or trying to be anyways. Then I start thinking that if I don't give in He will just go elsewhere again. I have NEVER experienced this kind of interest from him before. It makes me sick thinking he probably has many many skeletons. I wish he would leave us like I've begged him but he just won't. How do you get your husband to Leave when you finally buckle down and say no more?? I know he is saddened by his actions and who he is as a person but he refuses councilling. I feel Like these will be his excuses to keep going on with his disgusting actions once the dust settles. "Well I told you I was an addict"
ReplyDeleteBlindsided
Blindsided - are you sure you and I aren't the same person today?
DeleteFrom everything I've read and listened to - sex addiction can only be diagnosed by a trained professional.
I too have wondered over and over the past 6 months if I'm not living with one. Especially after reading that not all sex addicts act out their needs. Some simply use porn, chat and phone calls to act out.
Is your H receptive to counseling or therapy?
Blindsided,
DeleteIf your husband truly thinks he's a sex addict then all the more reason for him to seek therapy. People don't get over "addiction" without help.
you say you've asked him to leave. Do you genuinely want him to? If so, then it's time to visit a lawyer and talk over a separation agreement so that he knows your serious and so that you are financially protected. But, for your children's sake, if not his and yours, he really needs someone to help him understand his erratic and incredibly damaging behaviour.
Blindsided, your husband cannot self diagnose but he can seek out a professional who can help him figure out who he is and what he is doing. Do explore your options. I consulted an attorney early on (like within a month of disclosure) so that I could understand my options if we separated. I'm glad I did that. It was powerful to know what options I had and to be honest, it felt powerful when I told my husband I'd consulted an attorney. That shocked him and made it real. I don't think he expected me to do that at all. Take care of yourself and your family. He needs to take responsibility for his own behavior and actions. Hugs to you.
DeleteI filed for divorce early on in discovery. I had developed ticks and all sorts of yucky depressing feelings after he finally disclosed how deep his affair was.. i would say to anyone you have NO idea how blind sided i was... but i dont have to here.. cus you all know. We are each others best friends. We both have many aquantances and small friendships but nothing that matches the trust and bond we have. We don't have mutual friends either... He never let me into this group. I know now this is due to him not feeling comfortable being a married man around his friends and not wanting me to see the guys guy side of him. I stopped pursuing divorce because slowly I saw change in him. Slowly he started to show remorse slowly he stopped blaming me for the affair. He resented that I didn't enjoy working out and used it as a reason to stray... he was disgusted that i ate slices of cheese in the middle if the night after nursing my 3 month old and got a food craving. He held onto so many grudges and nasty feelings about me that are totally ridiculous and super ficial garbage . After i filed for divorce He started realizing i would never do this to him. He started seeing that his beloved whore was just that... a whore. Not a mother of his kids or a committed partner he would trust and be comfortable sharing everything with. She was a selfish slut who put herself before everything. Even her own children. He slowly saw what he had done to me. Before, during and after the affair. So I stayed. I craved his attention as I didn't realize how I hadn't had it for a long time. He gave it all to his whore. I was too tired and busy with holding our life together to notice. But after reading some of the posts on the "listening" post that Elle just put up I feel like I've had a revelation. So I'm gonna stick it out and put down the victim card cus it's getting a little too heavy anyways. He needs help for sure. I've always been there to give it and take care of him and now he is lost because not only am I not there for him I'm lashing out at him hurting him more... so I'm gonna put on my warrior pants now and fight for my prick of a husband to get himself fixed up so I can still have my best friend in my life. Blahhhhhhh bitterness is so hard to shake off.
DeleteBlindsided
Blindsided, Good for you! We have all been there and this can feel like a roller coaster ride at times. I do a lot of self talk and have to remind myself of what is the reality. I can get negative fast. I always think about what I tell my kids "would you say what you are telling yourself to a friend". Their answer and mine is always no. Take care of yourself. I think a lot of this is part of the process and the many phases of recovery. It is similar to grief but different. I remember feeling as if I was a victim and it would feel that way forever. That has gone away. Today I am so matter of fact about anything related to the affairs and his behaviors. I used to beat myself up for not seeing things. But then I told myself it was not okay to take the blame when he lied to my face and as your husband did basically creating a second life. Now I think I am proud of myself and I never let anyone down. It is too bad he did but we cannot undo the past. All I can do is set expectations and boundaries for today forward. The good thing is my expectations are higher than ever and he continues to rise to those levels and is happier than ever. He says regularly he took our marriage to the brink of destruction and on dday he changed and became a new person. It has been a process but I see how far we have come, things are not perfect but they are better than ever. And if by chance he leaves me or does something else then I know how strong I am and I know I did my best and that is all I can control. You are doing great!!
DeleteI think one of the things that I struggled with the most after Dday was my loss of laughter. It was months before I had a good belly laugh. There was little time for humor amid all my crying. Sooo if you are in a slump today and need a good belly laugh, look up Heather Land (I ain’t doin it) on youtube. My favorite is this CrossFit episode
ReplyDeletehttps://youtu.be/2WX1BEmDJXk
Jesus is taking me home in a cocktail dress not my Danskin shorts!
Wipe your tears and laugh a bit to change your mood.
Love it! Thanks for the laugh.
DeleteHeartfelt, that was great! Thanks for sharing!
Delete